Breaking away from the stigma

thapainmaker

I've always felt like it was really brave of all the gal's (and guy's) on here that come clean about their eating disorders and/or depression/anxiety or other personal issues publicly on here. Not because they are looking for a pity party but because they are aware of how much of a problem it is and how much it gets in the way of their goals.

I also battle some demons and have been afraid to come out with the mental health end of it ever since I made my first account on MFP maybe 7-8 years ago. It is ultimately what has caused me to loose so many jobs, Made relationships harder then they should have been, and just made life in general a struggle every day. For me I struggle daily with a severe form of schizo-effective disorder, a form of schizophrenia that is accompanied by a mood disorder as well, so it's like the double wamie of all psych disorders.

I'm constantly paranoid and always feel as though I'm being watched and always hear/see something in the background, sometimes its just that, background noise....other times it's overbearing and overrides my reality to the point where I loose touch and can't even tell what is real and what isn't. Its so bad at times that I can think my loved ones are secretly out to kill me when I am having a "break" from reality. It's overwhelming and completely consuming my life most of the time and I was hoping that there were other people here that might be able to relate to me somewhat here.

Even if it's just extreme anxiety or depression that leads to a lot of isolation, that would help me to talk to you because even doing this "fitness transformation" is becoming difficult when it's hard to leave my house. I hope you guys understand thanks!

BTW this wasn't easy to come out with. It literally took me weeks of thinking about before I was able to do it so please be respectful.

Strives4Progress

You’re very brave to open up and post about your struggles. Never be ashamed about who you are. You’re doing awesome. Keep up the good work!

RaeBeeBaby

Bravo on opening up and sharing your story! We all have struggles and some are more debilitating than others. My two closest friends both have young sons who are dealing with similar mental health issues including the isolation, paranoia and hearing noises or voices. I'm aware of how painful it is for them. I can't imagine what you might be dealing with from the inside.

I hope that you are getting mental health treatment and not trying to manage this on your own. As with many physical illnesses, sometimes it takes professional intervention to get better.

thapainmaker

Thank you guys for that. and @RaeBeeBaby first of all I cant believe how many other people have your name lol. Second I'm sorry to hear about your friends sons, you're right it can be quite quite a challenge dealing with it all the time. The isolation has been worse then ever for some reason. I think because this divorce is really stressful and that stress is not good at all for any of this and I've been having a lot more symptoms with it.

I am seeing a counselor, shrink and I have a neuro to handle my epilepsy and watch the psych meds as well. So I've got a well structured treatment plan, I've just got to be more proactive. I've just been so crippled by this lately, it really is hard sometimes I seriously feel like just falling to my knees with my face in my hands, but I keep trucking one way or another.

I doubt I will but I really hope to find a friend or two on here that has a form of schizophrenia. I would really like to pick their brain a little bit as this diagnosis is only 4 years fresh to me and I still don't understand it.

kakaovanilya

Hi! First of all, it is a very brave thing to open up like this. I have a friend diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. She went to see a proffesional voluntarily but then denied taking medication. It took a while for her to agree on starting medical treatment and psycotherapy. It's been hard for her but she learned to live with it eventually. We talk occasionally but she avoids me and her mother when she is having a bad day. I've learned not to force her for anything and just be supportive and be there for her if she wants to talk. How old are you? Do you live with your family?

thapainmaker

Hey there @kakaovanilya thank you for posting. I did the same thing as your friend at first, refusing my meds and keeping everyone at a safe distance (still do). When you have schizoaffective disorder specifically the paranoid type you really always feel as though your privacy is endangered, like everyone is watching you. My curtains are always drawn and it always feels as though they are still "on to me" conspiring some kind of plan to take me under. Its the most gut wrenching feeling ever.

I live on my own. I was living with my wife but things started getting ugly with her lying and manipulating which was really messing with my illness so I had to ask her to leave. We were living in my family home so I was able to do such a thing as the house was not in our name but in my aunt an uncles. I'm 29 btw and I used to have a lot of friends even was the life of the party in high school, it's kind of sad really looking back at old pics where I was constantly surrounded by people always smiling,...now not so much lol.

I can't shake the whole "mind reading" it always seems like people are reading my thoughts and as though everything that happens already has and I'm reliving some kind of f'ed up dream that I've played out before. I wake up sweaty in horrid panic most days too... the more I write the more I realize how heavy this has really become honestly...

TorStar80

Thank you for sharing. There is so much stigma about Mental Health that I can understand the hesitation to share. I can’t say I am in the same boat or have the same challenges as you, but I just wanted to say hello. It’s nice to have people in your support group who intimately understand what you are going through and I hope you find those individuals.

thapainmaker

@TorStar80 Thank you. It's just as nice having compassionate peeps that might not understand but are willing to have an open mind to the subject, so thanks again for that.

kakaovanilya

thapainmaker wrote: »

Hey there @kakaovanilya thank you for posting. I did the same thing as your friend at first, refusing my meds and keeping everyone at a safe distance (still do). When you have schizoaffective disorder specifically the paranoid type you really always feel as though your privacy is endangered, like everyone is watching you. My curtains are always drawn and it always feels as though they are still "on to me" conspiring some kind of plan to take me under. Its the most gut wrenching feeling ever.

I live on my own. I was living with my wife but things started getting ugly with her lying and manipulating which was really messing with my illness so I had to ask her to leave. We were living in my family home so I was able to do such a thing as the house was not in our name but in my aunt an uncles. I'm 29 btw and I used to have a lot of friends even was the life of the party in high school, it's kind of sad really looking back at old pics where I was constantly surrounded by people always smiling,...now not so much lol.

I can't shake the whole "mind reading" it always seems like people are reading my thoughts and as though everything that happens already has and I'm reliving some kind of f'ed up dream that I've played out before. I wake up sweaty in horrid panic most days too... the more I write the more I realize how heavy this has really become honestly...

My friend is the paranoid type I think because one day her mother invited me over, I was walking my dog when she called and she said I could bring my dog, too and when my friend saw my rottweiler she thought her mother told me to bring the dog to threaten her and make her take her meds.

Sounds like you are having a really hard time. Is the reason you keep everyone at a safe distance just paranoia or do you also not want to interact with people? When my friend is having a good day, she goes out with her mother or cousin or sometimes me and on good days, she doesn't act paranoid.

I know I can't change your thoughts but you shouldn't keep everyone at a safe distance. Try letting someone in.

thapainmaker

yeah it does sound like she has the paranoid type, I'm sorry to hear about that, it can be hard on everybody close. I think I've pushed everyone back because it was kind of like my insurance policy, like I said it just kept me safe. All the professionals want to call them misguided thoughts or disillusions but a lot of my thoughts and worries have actually unfolded and ended up being the bitter truth, one reason why I'm leaving my wife....I never would have thought anyone could do play some of the mind games to a loved one as she did for the sole reason of attention. It was enough to drive into in episode and she knew this but didn't care.

Sometimes I think this whole diagnosis is pure BS and I've just got a really bizarre but accurate perception of reality that most people can't even begin to comprehend, which makes it utterly impossible to and honestly frustrating to try to do so. They say you should be in touch with your emotions and I know I am but they just want to invalidate mine and write them off as paranoia or my thoughts as delusions because I can see through peoples intentions.

I can't even change my thoughts, the best I can do is dull or numb them with these drugs they give me but it seems as though my thoughts warp my reality right in-front of my eyes causing "hallucinations" almost like reading a book and seeing the text unfold into a movie right in-front of your eyes that's how on target it can be sometimes. I've tried letting people in so many times before and it's almost gotten me killed or hurt at best so that's why I keep away....people literally scare me to death.

kakaovanilya

I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what you are going through

Coratox

Hey. Your posts really resonate with me, a bit scary to tell the truth. I've been suffering from this for some time now, I think. I haven't asked for a diagnosis, but my psychiatrist did say schitzo-affective once, and it's been the only one that has ever truly fit to what I think, feel, and do(although I have the same thoughts about it being absolute BS, somehow).

It's interesting to see someone else writing about it.. I have a lot of the same experiences. Every time I've ever gotten obsessive and paranoid about things, they've been true. Hell, I've even had dreams only to wake up and they come true. I've said things people were going to say or do right before they did, which even freaks them out. I've spent years in and out of extreme 'paranoid' episodes to extreme mood swings, I've thought people were just clones of other people I knew before, trying to figure me out. Always trying to get into my head. I've become quite strategic to get the answers I need in order to learn the truth my own thoughts presented to me, as nobody can know that I know what they're up to.. It would give me away, and they would change their game.

I've also believed that I have knowledge that those around me are unaware of, that I'm on some other level of sentience and people can't keep up, which is why they call it 'crazy' or 'paranoid'. But then I wonder if I even know.. Or if I'm even real, if any of these things had even happened at all.

It's actually the most exhausting thing, though. From losing tons of friends, to just... Spending so much time analyzing and observing and searching for some kind of answer to whatever it is at that moment that requires attention. I've never slept or dreamt well, I often wake up sobbing or gasping. Sometimes I have 6 hour panic attacks when specific people post a picture, because they're doing it on purpose to hurt me or just trying to send a message to me secretly, which I conclude with signs and timing or random things(and I've been right.). I end up in more and more fights every day because people always have motives. You learn they don't like being called liars, even if you both know they are. You're always questioning yourself, and them.. But you realize you can't be wrong, because you've never been wrong before, even when you actually thought you were. It doesn't even have to make sense to make complete sense.

Sorry this is so long, but I think I know some form of how you're feeling. It's not easy to put into words. Obviously I haven't even touched the surface, which I'm sure is the same for you. It's good that you're able to reach out, even if the process of reaching out takes forever and a half, and is extremely stressful. It's hard to keep trying to let people in just to go through the same things all over again, and lose everything all over again. Being isolated is obviously not a preferred outcome, but it just always seems like the only one.