Mom can't be supportive (have a normal mom, don't read)
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Then when I was in college she "complimented" me, saying how fortunate that i was such a "brainy" girl getting into an ivy league college since no man was going to marry such a fat woman.
It took alot of resilience on my part over the years to work through this stuff and really take care of my health on my own.
My mom was never thin in my lifetime, but that didn't stop the criticism. I think I finally realized something was seriously wrong with her when I was 16 and she told me my teacher told her that I was beautiful and she told me,"You know she was only saying that to be nice, right?"
She also told me that I would never find anyone to marry me. I guess that's just a window into their fears, right?0 -
my sister is more like this than my mum but why don't you and your mum try and do it together go walking or to the gym or helping each other with recipe's and loose wight together and make a suggestion that you both do something to treat yourselves with eachother like go and buy a new top or go for a meal or whatever interests you that way you will both be supporting each other xx
That's probably not going to happen. If I suggest something she will say, "I have no interest in that" or "I'm old, I don't have to exercise" or "You're not my doctor!"0 -
Super damaging to think my mom just watched me and thought really cruel things and only half of them actually came out of her mouth.
Not everyone gets the lucky straw with parents. Luckily, you're able to see what you dealt with wasn't "normal" and make a change in your life. My mom and likely your mom never got to that level of awareness.0 -
Only I know she lost the weight simply by not eatting. We've had heating conversations about her not eatting much and she know's I disapprove of her method. I've tried being the supportive one and giving her credit, but enoughs enough.
Same with my mom. She's just not eating and refuses to walk even though her doctor has said it would be good for her.0 -
My mom is the reason I have a developing eating disorder- totally can relate! She's COMPLETELY unsupportive wether it's gaining weight or losing weight. It's never enough.0
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Thanks, guys! It's good to know that I'm not the only one who has to rely on friends other than family for encouragement and support.
I'm keeping the weight loss/process to myself for a while. If she asks I'll say something, but I'm leaving it alone.0 -
I wish my mother had taken a more blatant approach to me growing steadily overweight. She'd make hints here and there, but I bet she was too afraid to really say it because she herself is more overweight than I am.
I have ridiculous self esteem. If I had been given a BMI chart and been told, "maybe you should work on this" I would have gotten the message, and my feelings wouldn't have been hurt or anything. But nope, I'm proof that confidence attracts friends and mates more easily than a perfect body...so it's not until now that I'm 100 lbs overweight that I wish I had gotten the message.0 -
My immediate family isn't cuckoo, but there sure are some "characters" in the extended family. I think it is great in this day and age that we can not only survive but thrive with the support of a chosen rather than genetic family, if need be. Hugs to everyone who feels like having one.0
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Oh trust me I know. My mom isn't that way on my weight loss but she is on so many other things in my life so I know exactly what you are going through. I just stopped telling her anything that I didn't want published in the local newspaper and anything that I didn't want a negative response about. I know it sounds mean but I found complete strangers coming up to me saying "You're (so and so's) daughter, right?" When I would reply yes, they would continue to try to start up a conversation about very personal parts of my life that they knew about in full detail. Guess who informed these strangers of the going ons in my life, my good old mom.
Now that I am done with the rant about my mom...... What I am trying to say is if you know that there will be a possible negative reaction from her, then don't include her if at all possible. She will either A. Get the point and try to keep her personal thoughts to herself (which my mom has started trying to do. OR B. Be clueless about your accomplishments and you won't have to listen to the hurtful remarks. Either way for me it is a win win situation. Good luck!
My mum is exactly like this! Never a good thing to say about anyone & no, she doesn't hold back for her own children either. I have come to realise about 14years ago that she is trying to make herself feel better by putting everybody else down & that she will never change. That's when I moved from doing option A. (see above quote) to option B. That's how I've been dealing with my mum as well.
Hang in there girlfriend. Stop listening to the negative/hurtful comments or if you can't avoid it, don't take it to heart. "In one ear, out the other", say that to yourself next time she says anything hurtful to you & keep doing that for every new hurtful comment. In time, this will help you learn to let the comments go without registering.
Good luck with your weight loss goals.0 -
Not sure if this would be called 'dysfunctional' but...I do blame my parents for not providing me with certain tidbits of information that would have been extremely helpful in taking good care of my body. I was never overweight as a child or young teen, but I was always a 'dieter' and when I'd lose weight I would get a lot of praise from my mom. I would not lose the healthy way either, I would starve myself to get smaller and smaller (smaller was better right?).
Well, what I didn't know was that I losing a lot of muscle mass; when the weight crept back up (like it always did) it would get harder and harder to lose the weight. If I was more knowledgeable in nutrition & the effects of dieting as a young adult/teen perhaps I wouldn't be in my current situation (25lbs over normal, and a jiggle-y mess).
I can't help but think that my parents (specifically my mother) could have led me down a different path...
May be she didn't know herself .... or else as you said she always Praised you whenever you lost the weight0 -
My POOR mom, Last time i was home ,last month - I had lost 15 pounds but while I was there for three weeks practically lost nothing ( She has had a lapband and has gained all she had lost )
We were outside and my SIL asked me how it was going and I told her it was going greta but I had not lost in a few days and my mom said hahhaha I'm not even on a diet and I'm doing better than you ! My sister lost it and said "how when you gained all your weight back " Oh man I hated that moment . But she always does that . I don't understand it . and she bought so many sweets while I was there and offered them to me every evening .I didn't have any and she kept saying "one won't hurt you " but I told her I can't eat just one mom , That's my problem .
I really try to ignore the things she says unless she says them to my 19 year old daughter ....
Amy0 -
my mum hasnt ever been hugely overweight. All the women in my family are tall (over 5ft 8) and carry weight well. She owned a diner when I was a kid and my dad was a truck driver so they were always gone before I felt for school. I religiously skipped breakfast only to pig out at mid morning in school on tuck shop sweets, chips, crisps and pastries. I even got caught shop lifting a snickers when I was 10. I used to binge a lot when I was a young kid. I'd steal money for food even though the cupboards were always full and I had a cooked meal every night. I wasnt allowed to leave the table until it was all gone though. I was also allowed to eat whatever I wanted at her diner in the holidays when I worked there from 14 up.
When I was 11 my mum enrolled me in slimming world (a UK version of a diet club) and she put me on a diet. That just made me eat in secret even more. Im definitely an emotional eater. She told me when I was 15 that I had legs like tree trunks and my grandma took a photo of me in a swim suit at the pool when i was 11 and said i looked huge. I didnt think i looked that bad. I had a lap band to try and control my weight after I piled on the pounds after being in an unhappy marriage. It didnt work for me. I couldnt afford the fills. She was dissapointed and I know why. My dad had a heart attack because of his weight and insists that "ive had my heart attack now, i wont have another" even though he's heavier now than he was when he had it. My brother died after being over 500lbs. I know shes concerened about my weight and Im trying to get it off but asking me twice a week if ive lost any more weight adds pressure to me. I live 3000 miles away now so I only have minimal face to face criticism. Its still tough though.0 -
I read somewhere that hurting people hurt others. I think it is so true.
Great responses by so many people here.
was unhealthy thin as a teenager and binged and purged and walked and walked and walked. I was a size 0 at 13 and didn't physically mature til 16. I think it was due to such poor diet and health. My parents never said anything until I put on weight in my twenties THEN they would comment.
I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I read a really great book called Boundaries that helped me a lot last spring. They talked about putting up a picket fence around yourself....letting the good in and getting the bad out. Now when I hear comments that are negative whether insults, put downs or the oh you don't need to loose weight (ha ha!) etc. I can say I'm opening up my gate and letting that bad go go go.
I've worked toward surrounding myself with people of like minds and like goals and keeping and living a life of peace...ahhhh things are so much better!
I'd be happy to be your friend and encourage you!
Put up that fence and let the bad out and close the gate and keep the good in!0 -
Mind you, my mom actually sees a mental health professional and a few other specialists...
When you're older those conversations become very different even when the people haven't changed because the situations change. Growing up, my mom didn't bother hiding that she felt that the only way even her family would want anything to do with her was if they were as screwed up as she was and felt the need to act on it. Aside from the weight, she failed. She's given up on trying to pull off a lot of things, including eating to control her diabetes. She goes through more full sugar soda in a month than I would go through in a year when I wasn't trying to lose weight. She doesn't make it up two flights of stairs when baited with a kitten and hasn't attempted to make her house wheelchair/walker friendly. Now, she acts like I'm a social worker she happens to be related to. I don't feel annoyed by her anymore, just... sad.0 -
God, reading this makes me pray I am never ever like that with my daughter! Well, I may not be old enough to be your mom but I can say congratulations and keep going so you can reach all your goals!
My grandmother was like that with my Dad who was 400-500lbs most of his adult life. The reason I decided now was the time to change was for my daughter. To give her a better start to eating well. I didn't breast feed her for a year just to cram hot dogs and mac and cheese down her throat at 2. I want to do better and I know I have to set that example. She's also the only reason that keeps me from picking up smoking again... god I miss it.0 -
Yes. I also have a cray cray mom. I remember one time when I walked in her apartment and the first thing she said was "Wow, you're getting fat." and then started laughing at me.
I also know that your mom is the one person who can push your buttons for some weird reason. It the one who you need and expect the unconditional love and support from, just doesn't always work.0 -
All of the women in my family (and I mean ALL of them) are about 5'2" and weigh around 100 to 110 lbs. I never have been and passed them up at about 10 years old. I am 5'10" and am now around goal weight of 155. My mother has ALWAYS been negative about my weight. She moved 1200 miles away about 23 years ago and still gets to me with her comments!
One year, she actually sent me diet pills and fat free snacks for Christmas! Now, my BMI is actually lower than hers (she gained a little - snicker, snicker) and I wear the same size of jeans. Just last week she told me that she was going to send me some of her clothes that were too big for her, but she was sure that they would fit me. She just saw me the week before that and I said "well, isn't that a sweet thing to say? thank you". She said "well, you know what I mean, your bones are just bigger than mine." REALLY???? I wanted to tell her to F OFF and hang up but I didn't. I just told her that she was unreal and changed the subject.
I guess that no matter how we look and what we achieve, we will never be good enough for some ppl. The sad thing is that when it's your mother, it's hard to deal with because that is the one person that is SUPPOSED to be supportive and love you no matter what! It truly amazes me even after almost 40 years of not being good enough, thin enough, etc.0 -
Can I whine about my dad? Urgh!!! When my marriage to my ex-husband was crumbling, I was so stressed out. I was constantly trying to fix the relationship, I had just launched my business, I was stretched so thin. My dad kept coming in town to visit - every.single.weekend. He would bring friends too. I should have told him no, but I was trying to be respectful and kind. BIG MISTAKE. The last time, he told me he was bringing a friend who really needed the get a way. I reluctantly agreed to the visit. While they were visiting, she and I were talking and she let the cat out of the bag. "Your dad begged me to come visit you with him so I could see for myself how bad it is (as in, my situation)." WOW!!! Later, he told me that visiting my home was like going to a third world country - it never gets any better. That was it. My dad has not been welcome in my home since. I've seen him once in the six years since that happened. I can't tell you what a HUGE weight was lifted off of me to let that relationship go. I'm a totally different person now then I was then and I truly believe that I've become a positive, happy person simply by getting away from all that drama and negativity that he brings.0
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Can I whine about my dad? Urgh!!! When my marriage to my ex-husband was crumbling, I was so stressed out. I was constantly trying to fix the relationship, I had just launched my business, I was stretched so thin. My dad kept coming in town to visit - every.single.weekend. He would bring friends too. I should have told him no, but I was trying to be respectful and kind. BIG MISTAKE. The last time, he told me he was bringing a friend who really needed the get a way. I reluctantly agreed to the visit. While they were visiting, she and I were talking and she let the cat out of the bag. "Your dad begged me to come visit you with him so I could see for myself how bad it is (as in, my situation)." WOW!!! Later, he told me that visiting my home was like going to a third world country - it never gets any better. That was it. My dad has not been welcome in my home since. I've seen him once in the six years since that happened. I can't tell you what a HUGE weight was lifted off of me to let that relationship go. I'm a totally different person now then I was then and I truly believe that I've become a positive, happy person simply by getting away from all that drama and negativity that he brings.
good for you! That was a bold move! I am a firm believer that just because you are blood related, doesn't mean that you have to like/love them! I choose who I want in my life and who I don't... except my Mom. I am an only child and I feel like it is really mean to do that to her, so I just distance myself as much as possible and keep in touch as little as I can. It makes me feel bad, but I don't need her negativity!0 -
My mom is supporting but she tells me she likes me a little "big" because she likes my face to have some stuffing in and yet commenting on how my tummy has to go. She confuses the hell out of me. @_@
As for my dad, he was always bashing on me. He gives me alot of food and every now and then likes to GRAB my fat rolls and shake it saying "LOL What is this?" Yes, I know hes childish -_- Luckily it has died down some.0 -
I remember one particularly memorable grocery shopping trip with my mother. I was still in high school, very slim and was doing weight lifting for PE. I was one of 2 girls that chose it. I had an older boyfriend who was a lifter too, and very health conscious so I was trying to learn about what was in different foods and so on.
Anyway, we were checking out and I noticed that the bagboy went to the same school as me. My mum clocked the silent acknowledgement between us and just started humiliating me in front of him and the cashier and the other people standing in line saying how I must be getting fat (wasn't) because I read every single label on everything that went into the trolley and it was good because I was finally getting breasts (I was completely flat chested until I was about 15) and how we should go to K-Mart and get me some bras.
What I wanted to say was, "well, if YOU read a label now and again, you wouldn't be shaped like a bowling ball, you evil witch", but I didn't.
I could bore you all to tears with more tales like this, but I won't because it will just make me angry.0 -
My parents are also weird about weight. They are both overweight. My mom doesn't seem to care about her own weight, and she has been more or less the same size for years and years. My dad however has lost and gained weight numerous times, but never in a healthy way. He'll exercise like a crazy person (I remember his cardio sessions wearing a garbage bag as a shirt), as in, he goes from no exercise to instantly 6 times a week for hours at a time at high intensity. Plus he'll eat very little like an apple and a small cup of yoghurt to last through the day and then a salad (no meat) for dinner.
My parents both enjoy making fun of fat people. They'll watch shows like the Biggest Loser and then gasp, point, laugh and make comments about the size of the people and their eating habits. The same when they see a heavy person outside. They'll say things like "Wow look at that huge *kitten*! You could put a beer on it!" or "If I'd eat like that you could roll me around!" I have often found it embarrassing and hurtful, and since at my highest weight I was definitely bigger than my parents, I have often taken these comments personal.
My mom tends to make comments like "WE would never look good in a skinny jeans" implying that I'm the same size and shape as she is. I'm not, I'm about 20lbs lighter, I'm a pear and she's an apple. Or "WE could never eat this or that". Some things that are said you'll never ever forget. I had a lump in my breast in my early 20's, and was getting surgery to have it removed. The only thing my mom said was "Keep in mind that you'll have a deformed breast after the surgery". I wasn't even scared of the surgery until she said that, and actually, it all turned out fine.
My mom never gives me compliments. She'll make a comment when she notices I've lost weight, ("You're getting skinny cheeks") but she'll never tell me that I've done a good job or look nice. She's always fishing for compliments herself and patting herself on the back though. "Look at this card I made, nice huh?" "What a good idea that was (of me) to make our own pizza for dinner huh?" A few weeks ago we all went to a family wedding and I was wearing a dress for the first time in 10 years. My dad, and some other relatives, told me how nice I looked. My mom didn't even talk to me all through the evening, and when she did she commented on how I hadn't worn a dress in a long time and nothing about how I looked in it.
Although it is difficult to deal with this, I tell myself to look at their good qualities. They're not bad people, and I guess it's their way of dealing with their own issues and insecurities. I simply avoid talking about weight and health with them, and I don't go along with their fat people comments. Plus, knowing how much I'd like to get a nice compliment, and how nice it feels to actually GET a compliment, it's a good reminder to GIVE them to others without expecting something in return.0 -
You are not alone. If anything make her negativity your motivation to keep going.0
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OMFG YES!
My mom was a yoyo dieter her whole life which led to me learning that behaviour. She went to get gastric bypass to lose her weight, which she has but now it's almost like she's jealous. I did it on my own and she had to resort to a surgery. She'll be super supportive one day then the next will comment on how I've lost to much or how I will gain it back.
I love my mom to pieces but she's slightly out there haha0 -
My Mom is kind of the opposite. She loves to encourage me. Almost too much so. She has always been on a diet my entire life and we seemed to have been dieting together my entire life. When I go on one she gets excited and does it to. Says I am an inspiration to her etc. There is a lot of pressure just to keep losing weight, no matter what. Just get thin. Make her happy. That is what makes Mom happy. Odd, coming from a 36 yr old woman, I still feel like I am 12.0
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Unfortunately there will always be people in our lives that cannot put their own demons aside to be happy for other people.
This is difficult to comprehend as you wouldn't DREAM of giving anything other than love & support to your family & friends achievements or goals.
The important thing to remember here is their negativity is a reflection on them - NOT YOU! YOU are STRONG & choosing to be a healthier & happier person!
I once read this quote.... “Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.”
:-)0 -
My immediate family isn't cuckoo, but there sure are some "characters" in the extended family. I think it is great in this day and age that we can not only survive but thrive with the support of a chosen rather than genetic family, if need be. Hugs to everyone who feels like having one.
This is my family, too. Actually, my immediate family is fabulous, wish the rest of you in this thread could have had family like them. My dad is the black sheep in his family. In this case, it's a good thing. A very, very good thing. Also a good thing that we live across the country from his family.0 -
This is difficult to comprehend as you wouldn't DREAM of giving anything other than love & support to your family & friends achievements or goals.
I once read this quote.... “Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.”
:-)
nice quote and you are right - I cannot IMAGINE saying the things to my daughter that my mother has said to me. I think it makes me more aware actually of how hurtful some things can be.0 -
nice quote and you are right - I cannot IMAGINE saying the things to my daughter that my mother has said to me. I think it makes me more aware actually of how hurtful some things can be.
I think that's when I really understood that my mother was toxic, when I thought, "Mothers aren't supposed to talk to their daughters like that! They're supposed to always think they're beautiful!"
Thanks for you all your responses, everyone! I'm surrounded by people with "normal" mothers, so I always feel a little odd. My mother-in-law just said I was "amazing and determined" and I thought, "That's what mothers are supposed to say!"0 -
I have lost over 30 pounds and my mom acts like its nothing. My husband said to her "look how Kay lost so much weight" and my mom said "I saw that". Really? Thats all? You are not alone hunny. I was expecting more than that ,but sometimes you have to accept people for who they are,even family.0
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