old wounds of insecurity opening up during my weight loss journey...

yellowboots_19

It's been a lengthy journey so far; as I've only got 5, 10 more pounds. From half of my clothes looking big on me to me looking a LOT younger, I've had a few experiences here and there.
But I'm in this weird position where my old insecurities are coming out.
I was picked on in middle school for being skinny; not having a more developed body like the rest of the popular girls. Of course, I've always had body image issues, and that definitely lead to unhealthy eating habits and patterns. I even began to binge, restrict and purge on occasion (though thankfully it'd never turned into a full-blown ED). Flash forward to my undergrad years and I end up gaining 30 lbs by the end of sophomore year. At that point, I felt hideous; like this monster who no guy would want to date, as I thought back then. And no, neither my boobs nor butt grow any bigger in size. If anything, I hadn't been able to carry the weight well--at all.
At one end, me being this skinny makes me remember how I felt, always comparing myself to the rest of the girls at school. Then I fear gaining any of the weight back, even if I were to bulk up. Part of me wants to be 'thick, sexy and curvy'; just so I could look at myself as a woman for once. But at the same time, in my head, any weight gained is 'bad', and at this point, I'm really hesitant about adding muscle once I complete my weight loss journey.

Has anyone ever been in this position? And what can I do to make myself feel better? I have this image of this perfect person I feel like I ought to be. This has been bothering me to the point where I spent part of last night in bed crying over this.

Thanks!

HellYeahItsKriss

As someone who was never good enough for anyone at any age or change of school several times and was picked on for everything up to just existing all I can say is that your insecurities will lessen with your adult experiences with your new loss. As humans we never stop comparing ourselves to someone else.. but.. enjoy the confident moments when you have them. Don't take them for granted and toss them away on a moment of insecurity on a rainy day.

GlorianasTears

You are so close to your goal but seriously though you gotta heal all those wounds from your childhood people's opinions are irrelevant find out what YOU LIKE about yourself and smile about those things ignore all that cliched stuff like having curves and feeling like a woman . you are a woman cause you are strong and awesome not cause you got big boobs and a big backside that's all just noise hunni.

princessquitealot

First congratulations...is this something you can 'fake till you make'? I like the idea of having (maybe even writing it down) a list of things you like about yourself to fall back on when thoughts get hard in your head.

clicketykeys

yellowboots_19 wrote: »

Part of me wants to be 'thick, sexy and curvy'; just so I could look at myself as a woman for once.

Okay, so, while I was never popular while I was in school, I kind of didn't care? I had a close, supportive family, and I had books and pets to play with, and I was fine with that. So I don't know that I can offer much on that front. I do, however, know how it feels to want to make yourself better. There's nothing wrong with that. But it's healthier if it comes from a sense of improving what is already good and worthwhile. Because you ARE someone who has worth and value already.

Additionally. You ARE a woman. Full stop. Skinny, tall, short, thick, muscular, fat, flabby, whatever. You are a woman NOW, and you have been at all of your sizes and shapes.

TriflinTriscuit

Be easy on yourself. Be the person you wish you had when it felt like you didn't fit in. I was always chubby and curvy and I wished I was you. My younger self would have been horrified because at least you can wear a bikini. My 31 year old self does not derive strength from her appearance (or weakness). It took a long time. You CAN love yourself and be kind to yourself. Nourish your soul and honor what talents you have. Also I'm super inspired that you lost so much weight. I have dropped 10 lbs and wonder how much longer I can maintain but I hear your story and know I can do it too. Much !

DebLaBounty

It sounds to me like you don't like your body when you're skinnier and you don't like yourself when you're heavier. Consider finding a counselor to talk about these destructive thoughts. Therapy could help you find some helpful strategies to better cope with where you are.

kenyonhaff

Hi women! Welcome to Western civilization and here is your body image problems!

It sounds pretty familiar that you want a completely different body than you have. I have a curvy hourglass figure but I would love to have a lean, thin body.

What often women forget is the ideals we want are literally layers of photoshop, cosmetics, clothing, photography, surgery, and winning a genetic lottery. People literally don't know what ordinary healthy people look like anymore.