Sabotage- Am I wrong here?

Fflpnari

I need your opinion here.
I need to lose almost 80 pounds, I have chronic pain, headaches, and depression. All of which I hope will improve as I lose weight. I struggle with portion control. I can eat an entire thing of ice cream, bag of chips, candy, or whatever else in a day. Since I dont have that control I avoid keeping trigger foods around. Im trying to limit my sugar intake as junk is getting in the way of macro goals. (I struggle to hit my protein goal everyday)
Im a college student and still live at home with my mom. Ive talked with her about my goals and asked that she not buy things that are my trigger foods. I feel like she is sabatioging me when she does. Ive tried talking to her many times and she gets mad. Occasionally she will throw things away. To me that is just wasting money, I would prefer if she never bought them in the first place.

She says "I don’t buy them for you, you don't have to eat them". She doesn't eat the stuff, I end up binging on it.
I have a history of binging and bulimia. I know longer binge like I used to, but will still eat an entire container of food in one sitting.

I buy most of my own food. I try to keep healthy stuff around but if there unhealthy stuff I will eat it.
To me its the same if there was an alcoholic living in the house you wouldn't have alcohol around. Why is it any different with food?

Any advice on the situation? Im so tired of being miserable from pain.
How do I avoid this food? how can I help her to understand?

right now Im trying really hard to avoid the candy, Cinnamon rolls, chex mix, and who knows what else is here.

tiptoethruthetulips

It would be great if your mother could support you in the way that you feel she needs to..but in reality, it is her home too, and if she wants snacks etc in the house that she enjoys she should be able to.

Perhaps you could ask that she doesn't put the snacks where you will come across them, could she keep them in her bedroom or somewhere else you are not likely to come across them?

People are typically abstainers or moderators depending where they are in life. I get you, I am not able to moderate myself either. If its not in the house I can do without don't even think about it, the minute its there or I know its there, its all I can think about, just one? Forget it, its all or nothing.

Perhaps counselling my help you? Any free counselling at college?

https://gretchenrubin.com/2012/10/back-by-popular-demand-are-you-an-abstainer-or-a-moderator/

Ardael

I agree that you have to consider that your mum is also your housemate. If you buy your food and she buys hers the fact that she doesn't eat it is irrelevant. View her as a housemate and not your mum. If you ate some random person's food that'd be stealing. Force yourself to consider her food as out of bounds. Maybe a lock on cabinets. But putting things away will only work for a while. When you go to steal her food ( which is how you should consider it ) stop, pause, take a deep breath and ask yourself :
1. Am I hungry?
2. Why am I stealing food?

And if the answer is not satisfactory, turn around and walk away. It may not work each time but it will slow you down until you can muster the willpower to refrain from it.

sofchak

I like the logic in @Ardael ‘s post. My hope is that if you can abstain long enough, your mom will see stuff expire and truly go to waste - then she won’t buy it anymore.

Either that or pack it all up in a box in a moment of strong willpower and take it to a local food pantry. Make sure to tell your mom thank you for donating to a local cause.

Good luck. Your thoughts are in the right place.

cmriverside

I agree with Ardael, and that's how I treat food that is around. "It's not mine."

The thing is - It's your Mom's house. She can buy what she wants. You don't have to eat it, that's what being an adult is like. Making your own choices.

In a perfect world, there would never be anyone asking me to eat foods I have no control over. In a perfect world I'd be able to have one serving and quit. That's not my reality, so I had to figure out how to say, "Not mine."

There is always going to be food around. It's your hand and your mouth.

CourtneyUT

I like Ardael's suggestion. Maybe you could have a separate cabinet for your food so you don't even have to look at your mom's food. And get a mini fridge for yourself so you don't have to see what food she has in her fridge? She may be sabotaging, or she may not be. It doesn't matter. Change your environment and you can be successful. Don't let this damage your relationship with your mom. Good luck!

Lounmoun

Fflpnari wrote: »

I need your opinion here.
I need to lose almost 80 pounds, I have chronic pain, headaches, and depression. All of which I hope will improve as I lose weight. I struggle with portion control. I can eat an entire thing of ice cream, bag of chips, candy, or whatever else in a day. Since I dont have that control I avoid keeping trigger foods around. Im trying to limit my sugar intake as junk is getting in the way of macro goals. (I struggle to hit my protein goal everyday)
Im a college student and still live at home with my mom. Ive talked with her about my goals and asked that she not buy things that are my trigger foods. I feel like she is sabatioging me when she does. Ive tried talking to her many times and she gets mad. Occasionally she will throw things away. To me that is just wasting money, I would prefer if she never bought them in the first place.

She says "I don’t buy them for you, you don't have to eat them". She doesn't eat the stuff, I end up binging on it.
I have a history of binging and bulimia. I know longer binge like I used to, but will still eat an entire container of food in one sitting.

I buy most of my own food. I try to keep healthy stuff around but if there unhealthy stuff I will eat it.
To me its the same if there was an alcoholic living in the house you wouldn't have alcohol around. Why is it any different with food?

Any advice on the situation? Im so tired of being miserable from pain.
How do I avoid this food? how can I help her to understand?

right now Im trying really hard to avoid the candy, Cinnamon rolls, chex mix, and who knows what else is here.

I think the suggestion of viewing her food as hers and not taking it is good. She has a right to have whatever food she wants.
Have seperate cabinets/refrigerators. Put food away.

I don't know how your conversations went but maybe it was very negative. Does she buy or make any food at all that fits your goals? Maybe be really positive and happy to her about those things. Gush about those things. She might feel more like getting more of that stuff if she heard how great it was and you ignore the other stuff.
Ask for her help figuring out how you can increase your protein.

Work on moving out. If you feel she purposefully endangers your health and you have a bad relationship then put your effort toward leaving.

Orphia

I like the suggestion of asking her to keep your "trigger foods" in her own room. Ask her nicely. Accusing her of sabotage is likely to cause arguments.

She is probably trying to help you learn moderation. A lifetime of seeing those foods as "trigger foods" sounds tiring.

As for her throwing away food? I suggest letting it go. You've got enough to worry about with a history of bulimia. Well done for bingeing less. Keep up the good work. Best wishes.

Fflpnari

Ardael wrote: »

I agree that you have to consider that your mum is also your housemate. If you buy your food and she buys hers the fact that she doesn't eat it is irrelevant. View her as a housemate and not your mum. If you ate some random person's food that'd be stealing. Force yourself to consider her food as out of bounds. Maybe a lock on cabinets. But putting things away will only work for a while. When you go to steal her food ( which is how you should consider it ) stop, pause, take a deep breath and ask yourself :
1. Am I hungry?
2. Why am I stealing food?

And if the answer is not satisfactory, turn around and walk away. It may not work each time but it will slow you down until you can muster the willpower to refrain from it.

She'll hide stuff. The stuff she usually buys is for me, since she doesn't really eat chocolate. She doesn't like the chocolate moose ice cream, but knows its my favorite. b

Fflpnari

suzannesimmons3 wrote: »

It's her house her food her rules as she said she didn't buy them for you. ..when I lived at home I was grateful to have a roof over my head because as an adult she didn't have to keep me.

If it bothers you that much maybe look into a place of your own? Throwing out food that doesn't belong to you is a criminal charge. ..how would you like it if she went into your room and threw out your stuff?? Same principle.

As adults we have to learn to live with making decisions about our lives and you have to find a way through therapy to learn how to live.

She throws out the food, not me.

I can afford to live on my own. Ive thought about moving out, but will that fix the issue? Would she still not bring things over to my house?
Ive admitted the problem and asked for her to help by not having my weaknesses in the house.

Lounmoun

Fflpnari wrote: »

suzannesimmons3 wrote: »

It's her house her food her rules as she said she didn't buy them for you. ..when I lived at home I was grateful to have a roof over my head because as an adult she didn't have to keep me.

If it bothers you that much maybe look into a place of your own? Throwing out food that doesn't belong to you is a criminal charge. ..how would you like it if she went into your room and threw out your stuff?? Same principle.

As adults we have to learn to live with making decisions about our lives and you have to find a way through therapy to learn how to live.

She throws out the food, not me.

I can afford to live on my own. Ive thought about moving out, but will that fix the issue? Would she still not bring things over to my house?
Ive admitted the problem and asked for her to help by not having my weaknesses in the house.

If someone brings food to your home and leaves it there you can dispose of it any way you want. Give it away or throw it away.

DebLaBounty

The only person you can change is yourself. You can't change your mom.

When my husband brings home food that tempts me, I view it as his and I won't take it. I also imagine that someone has spit on it and prepared it with filthy germ-coated hands. This usually helps me choose not to eat it.

tuolon

You can't change your mom, but you can change yourself.
I had trouble in my household because of halloween candy, christmas candy, easter candy, etc. from living with my kids. I did the same things as other posts have already mentioned. It's their food, not mine.
And, if I do splurge, I exercise more. Then, I say to myself next time, is that chocolate really worth an extra 30 minutes of exercise. The exercise part is what I have been doing lately. Good luck.

theabsentmindednurse

It’s time to take your power back.
Make responsible food choices but also stop demonising food.
Everything in moderation.

AudreyJDuke

Some great suggestions here for taking control of YOUR life - you can do this!

Orphia

Eventually you have to stop blaming others for your eating and take pride in your own decisions.

danika2point0

This is interesting and I think the previous posters have given some great tips for strategies that can help you manage the situation. It might be useful to reflect on your mom's own relationship to food and what might be motivating her behaviour. Not saying it excuses it, but sometimes it can help to understand. For instance, some people use food to show their love...maybe her buying food you like is a way of trying to take care of you (albeit a very misguided one in your current circumstances). Some people don't know how to give us the support in the way we need, even when we ask for it. And it sounds like your mom is not able to do that right now. You have made your position to her clear. So use the strategies and keep trying to put your health first. She may adjust and come around in time.