Shame, weight loss, and breaking the cycle

hippopotamuses

I have always been "the fat girl." But how fat I am, percentage-wise, has changed a lot through my life. I've had severe hypothyroidism since I was a child, and depending on whether or not I was medicated properly, my weight would fluctuate by a lot. Hypothyroidism also comes with fatigue and depression, so that often made matters worse (especially when I was an adolescent).

At two points in my life, I've lost drastic amounts of weight. However, I realize in retrospect that I was probably doing really unhealthy things to get there (namely, eating around 400-800 calories a day for months and exercising to the point of hurting myself). I never entered the "healthy" BMI range though, so people mostly encouraged this behavior by telling me how good I looked.

Because of all of this, my body has always been a source of shame. When I put on weight or my medication stopped working as effectively, I'd often hide my body, refusing to exercise (because people would see me) or eat in front of other people. Eating became a secret, and a bad thing to do.

This past year has been a hard one. I ended a long-term relationship and my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Meanwhile, I'm working and in grad school full-time. I've realized recently that I can't keep doing the hiding in shame/ starving myself cycle. Neither part of that is healthy or sustainable. I still want to lose weight, but more than anything, I want to learn how to be healthy in my body, whatever it weighs. I've taken up meditating and intuitive eating, and I've started swimming for exercise (something I used to avoid because I was so embarrassed by my body.) Turns out that I'm much physically stronger than I thought-- I can swim 2k easily, and love how I feel when I'm in motion. My marathon-runner swimming pal quit on me because she found my speed too intimidating, which sucks, but it was a little ego boost.

Mostly, I'm looking for support. Anyone else out there trying to break bad dieting habits? I know that health at every size etc. is not exactly uncontroversial, but I'd love to meet other people who are treating weight loss as one part of a more holistic lifestyle change.

LadyElectron

I’m also trying really hard to be body positive while trying to lose weight because shame and guilt and self hate ultimately get you nowhere. It’s hard to try to accept yourself and also try to change at the same time. I made a list of all the reasons I want to loose weight that aren’t related to my looks. Then I made a list of all the things l don’t like about myself that aren’t related to my weight. Then I made a list of all the things I love about myself that aren’t related to my weight. To me it helped to see it all laid out and put the weight into perspective. Losing or gaining weight won’t fundamentally change who I am, but it may improve somethings so it’s worth a shot to me. No matter what I weigh I’ll always have dry skin and sweaty palms, I’ll always have nice eye brows and cute feet and be a loving daughter and Mom. Also I follow a lot of body positive ladies on Instagram and that helps too. Good luck!!!