I need some advice about my mum
Dead_Darling
Posts: 478 Member
Warning: a very long rant time!
I posted this on my MFP page the other day, and received some kind words and support, but thought I'd post it on the boards just to get some more feedback and advice. Really not sure if this the right place to be honest, but here goes nothing!
It's about my mum. She was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes 10 years ago and ever since then she hasn't made any improvements within herself to put it in remission. She just depends on the tablets (she takes about 6 a day), would not see a dietician or nutrionist, doesn't follow a healthy diet and never, ever works out, even though she's just joined the gym about a month ago. Getting her to join the gym took a lot of energy out of me persuading her, and it was only when her colleague suggested it afterwards that she joined. For the past three weeks, her sugar levels have been spiking up to a really dangerous number - close to coma levels - and her energy's just gone. She's so weak and all she does is take the tablets and sleep. Her doctor's given her this week off sick and she's on holiday next week, but she's done absolutely nothing at home. She can't eat and when she does, it's only junk food (and after that she puts even more tablets in her body).
I try so hard to tell her to eat more fruit and vegetables and healthier stuff, move a lot more - even if it's walking to the town centre and back (which is about a 5min walk, at most) - and to stop believing that the tablets are the only things that will help her without her effort, but she doesn't listen to me. She makes fun of me for working out and trying to make myself better, but I don't wanna be diabetic! My grandma (her mum) is diabetic too and she's in a wheelchair, and no amount of physical therapy will get her to move (she's in a home in Mauritius, so yeah, can't see her often).
I'm so fed up of seeing my mum like this - it's really irritating. The other day she was on the phone to my auntie and said that if God's given her this illness, then she has to accept to live with it. Roar! I'm at my wits end about this!
What do I do about my mum??
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I posted this on my MFP page the other day, and received some kind words and support, but thought I'd post it on the boards just to get some more feedback and advice. Really not sure if this the right place to be honest, but here goes nothing!
It's about my mum. She was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes 10 years ago and ever since then she hasn't made any improvements within herself to put it in remission. She just depends on the tablets (she takes about 6 a day), would not see a dietician or nutrionist, doesn't follow a healthy diet and never, ever works out, even though she's just joined the gym about a month ago. Getting her to join the gym took a lot of energy out of me persuading her, and it was only when her colleague suggested it afterwards that she joined. For the past three weeks, her sugar levels have been spiking up to a really dangerous number - close to coma levels - and her energy's just gone. She's so weak and all she does is take the tablets and sleep. Her doctor's given her this week off sick and she's on holiday next week, but she's done absolutely nothing at home. She can't eat and when she does, it's only junk food (and after that she puts even more tablets in her body).
I try so hard to tell her to eat more fruit and vegetables and healthier stuff, move a lot more - even if it's walking to the town centre and back (which is about a 5min walk, at most) - and to stop believing that the tablets are the only things that will help her without her effort, but she doesn't listen to me. She makes fun of me for working out and trying to make myself better, but I don't wanna be diabetic! My grandma (her mum) is diabetic too and she's in a wheelchair, and no amount of physical therapy will get her to move (she's in a home in Mauritius, so yeah, can't see her often).
I'm so fed up of seeing my mum like this - it's really irritating. The other day she was on the phone to my auntie and said that if God's given her this illness, then she has to accept to live with it. Roar! I'm at my wits end about this!
What do I do about my mum??
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
0
Replies
-
Im sorry to say but there's not much you can do if she is unwilling to change. That's really scary and im so sorry I can only imagine seeing someone you love dearly not love themselves enough to get better. The only thing I can suggest is have a heart to heart with complete and total honesty, she is literally killing herself and say you would do anything to help her as im sure you would. You're in a really tough situation, my heart goes out to you and your family.0
-
Thank you
I have tried talking to her, but she becomes very defensive about the issue. It's like she's accepting this illness like it's the cold or something
she just told me that walking to the town centre and back is far too much effort for her so she can't do it. Really don't know anymore *sigh*
But thank you anyway! 0 -
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. It is really hard to help if they don't want to help themselves. I don't really have much to add and agree to be brutally honest, she is killing herself and won't see her daughter or grandchildren grow up. Maybe she needs to actually SEE something, pictures of people or stories of people who were doing the same. Tomb stones with people dying at her age, etc. Have a really good cry in front of her telling her you don't want to loose her. Maybe that will hit her hard and gets her to reality. I can't really say much more. Just all the best with it... it must be so hard for you...0
-
I would say : absolutely nothing you can do. She's an adult , she makes her choices, if she can get type II diabetes and that doesn't serve as a wake up call you certainly aren't going to get her to change.
My father (now 83) has Type II also, likewise I tried to advise him on diet etc it just didn't work, pretty much food was his only entertainment. He just took the pill and left it at that. If its any consolation he is now 83 and hasn't suffered any serious consequences of diabetes, (although he has other obesity related issues causing him grief).
Try not to worry and as I say my father turned 83 today and is showing no signs of leaving this world so it may not mean a short life span for her if its being managed by the doctors well.0 -
It sounds like she has massive resistance to anything you say. This is a very heartbreaking situation. In the end, we can't force other people to do anything they aren't willing to do. Her resistance probably comes from psychological reasons. It might be easier for her to believe the disease is inevitable. Maybe she doesn't want to feel responsibility for her own life -- it might be a terrible feeling to think you wrecked your own health, so she's chosen denial.
Can you arrange for a doctor or a nurse to talk to her? Can you find a visiting nurse that could come to the house? Can you make an appt, with a doctor and go on the appt. (maybe phone ahead and ask the doctor to talk to her about exercise?).
Looks like you're in the UK. Is there a national association for diabetes? Can you call them for suggestions? They might have some ideas.
Can you put a DVD on in her house and do exercise there yourself and maybe get her to join in? Something easy, like the Leslie Sansone walking videos? They're free on Youtube, but unless you have a big screen monitor might be easier to see on a TV screen.0 -
The best advice my mom has ever given me is "You can't help change someone if they dont wan't to help themselves", and that's because my dad is schizophrenic, and he doesn't want to take his meds, so I've learned to accept that. It is hard my mother is very out of shape, and is always getting down on herself she tried working out for over a year and didn't see much results so I told her I will stop putting myself down if she does, and she's been doing a little bit better. I think in a way sometimes if you trick her or challenge her that might help, my mother and I are very stubborn and like a challenge so that's how i was able to help her.0
-
It sounds like she has massive resistance to anything you say. This is a very heartbreaking situation. In the end, we can't force other people to do anything they aren't willing to do. Her resistance probably comes from psychological reasons. It might be easier for her to believe the disease is inevitable. Maybe she doesn't want to feel responsibility for her own life -- it might be a terrible feeling to think you wrecked your own health, so she's chosen denial.
Can you arrange for a doctor or a nurse to talk to her? Can you find a visiting nurse that could come to the house? Can you make an appt, with a doctor and go on the appt. (maybe phone ahead and ask the doctor to talk to her about exercise?).
Looks like you're in the UK. Is there a national association for diabetes? Can you call them for suggestions? They might have some ideas.
Can you put a DVD on in her house and do exercise there yourself and maybe get her to join in? Something easy, like the Leslie Sansone walking videos? They're free on Youtube, but unless you have a big screen monitor might be easier to see on a TV screen.
I actually want her to see the doctor I'm currently seeing (got my own wacky health issues!), but she's not a fan of getting second or third opinions I really think my mum doesn't like change (and it's taken my whole life to figure that out lol).
I will definitely have a look into the National Diabetics Association and hopefully get some guidance from them!
It's funny because my mum's sister and myself have spoken to her about the Leslie Sansone workout and I am more than willing to do that with her, which would be a hell of a lot easier for her. Her sister lives in France, but she's beginning to look after herself for her stepchildren's sake; just wish my mum would see this from the outside lookingnin.
But thank you all for the kind words and support) 0 -
Probably not what you want to hear, but back off the nagging for a while. Some people can change on a dime, and some people just don't (even when faced with death/serious illness). It's damned hard to watch someone you care about hurt themselves, but sometimes you've gotta do just that. Nagging doesn't help. It can drive people into a corner and flat-out refuse, even if it means dying. How would you feel if for the last 10 years, your mum/BFF/SO nagged you on a daily bases about something?
My mom got diabetes when she was 60. She spent a lot more time with me because I was her only child that didn't nag her about eating dessert once in a while.0 -
Some people need to learn it the hard way. Stop trying to convince her though! Maybe she's just stubborn.
I have the same problem with things. I get told to do something that could improve like everything, but i don't do it solely because i don't want to 'obey' or admit that the other is right T_T.0 -
Nothing. Sadly people have to come to their own decisions about things and do them for their own reasons.
My father has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in his liver & stomach... do you think he quit smoking? No. I am disgusted with him but I have said my piece and now I will let it be. Why? I dont want the time I spend with him to be angsty, unhappy and stressed about something he has no desire to change.
That being said if you mother is giving you a hard time about the great things you doing I WOULD tell her to shut her mouth. I would tell her she is in no position to give any sort of negative feedback and to stick her unhelpful bullying.
Maybe a bit blunt but there you go.0 -
Unfortunately, this is something that she is going to have to come to on her own and she may not. I have an aunt who is type II and a number of other health issues due to her weight. She's 50 and the docs have said she won't make 60 if she doesn't do something. The whole family has tried talking to her, but that is just making her resist more. It is her life.
My only suggestion is, if you are living close enough, to suggest fun little outings that may not be a work out, but will make her move. Every little bit helps and frankly, depending on her weight, just walking can be plenty of exercise. She might not want to work out with you, but she might be willing to go to one of the museums or the zoo. It will get her moving at least a little and might give you both some positive time together.0 -
your mother is fortunate to have a daughter who cares so much. I have a mother and father who are diabetic - at 58 my dad had an amputation as a result of poor circulation and diabetes. Yet both of my parents, especially my mom are junk food junkies who drive to the mailbox which is a two minute walk from their front door.
My mother never stops complaining about how bad she feels and when I remind her that she is control of her wellness I am seen as cold and critical. I have tried everything from soothing coaching to tough love, nothing works. You should know that I am a nurse .Both of my parents progressed from pills to insulin injections, they both take 2 a day, sometimes more.
I was raised in a sedentary household and have been overweight all of my life. As I got older I started blaming stress and overwork on poor eating habits and chronic fatigue. I would take control at intervals and would soon see positive benefits, but I would always slip back into my old ways. Recently I was diagnosed with diabetes (all the kids in my family are diabetic ). My doctor has given me a few months to get my health in order as I promised him I could do it without medication. The repeat lab tests will determine if I will be on medication probably for the rest of my life or not. This was a real eye opener for me and I made the decision before I left the doctors office that only I could control my destiny.
I advised my family and asked for their support; my mother however has actually worsened her eating habits and is continually offering this junk to me. each time I tell her "mom you know I am diabetic now and I can't have that" her reply is " well I'm diabetic too, its not going to kill me". I get so frustrated.... Its been hard but I am not getting back into that. It has taken me a long time but I have discovered that only I can be responsible for myself and as a result I am learning that means the same for my mother. I am trying to be there when she needs me, not judge her when I disagree with how she is managing her health and learn from what I think are her mistakes.
I also have children, so your story hits very close to my heart and will help me more than you know. The best advice I can give you, if you want it is: look after yourself, do what you know is right for YOUR health, try not to be too hard on your mother ( I know it will be really challenging) and share your written post and the comments you get with your mother. Then let her make her decisions knowing you did the best you could.
Wishing you all the best!0 -
She is probably terrified and feels powerless and putting her head in the sand feels safer than trying to do anything. And all the efforts of the people who love her to move her forward, giving her advice, tyring to encourage her, just have the effect of pushing her head further into the sand.
It's horrendous - you can see so clearly what would help her, and it's painful and frustrating that she won't try. But you can't make her try.
But if she's feeling powerless and afraid, maybe instead you can help her by instead of saying "here's a solution, here's what you should do" say "how are you feeling? How is it for you?". If she's denying reality and denying her feelings, by helping her to start to let them out a bit, you might help her pull her head out of the sand. And instead of saying "here's a solution" say "I'll support you".
Whatever happens, you've done all you can, you've given her all your love which is marvellous. Good luck! xxxx0 -
Warning: a very long rant time!
I posted this on my MFP page the other day, and received some kind words and support, but thought I'd post it on the boards just to get some more feedback and advice. Really not sure if this the right place to be honest, but here goes nothing!
It's about my mum. She was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes 10 years ago and ever since then she hasn't made any improvements within herself to put it in remission. She just depends on the tablets (she takes about 6 a day), would not see a dietician or nutrionist, doesn't follow a healthy diet and never, ever works out, even though she's just joined the gym about a month ago. Getting her to join the gym took a lot of energy out of me persuading her, and it was only when her colleague suggested it afterwards that she joined. For the past three weeks, her sugar levels have been spiking up to a really dangerous number - close to coma levels - and her energy's just gone. She's so weak and all she does is take the tablets and sleep. Her doctor's given her this week off sick and she's on holiday next week, but she's done absolutely nothing at home. She can't eat and when she does, it's only junk food (and after that she puts even more tablets in her body).
I try so hard to tell her to eat more fruit and vegetables and healthier stuff, move a lot more - even if it's walking to the town centre and back (which is about a 5min walk, at most) - and to stop believing that the tablets are the only things that will help her without her effort, but she doesn't listen to me. She makes fun of me for working out and trying to make myself better, but I don't wanna be diabetic! My grandma (her mum) is diabetic too and she's in a wheelchair, and no amount of physical therapy will get her to move (she's in a home in Mauritius, so yeah, can't see her often).
I'm so fed up of seeing my mum like this - it's really irritating. The other day she was on the phone to my auntie and said that if God's given her this illness, then she has to accept to live with it. Roar! I'm at my wits end about this!
What do I do about my mum??
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Perhaps she's so discouraged and depressed that she's lost hope and doesn't see any point in trying...Or doesn't know where to start.
It is difficult for you from the outside looking in, but she may be choosing to interprete your concern as nagging (and therefore easy to ignore). I'd probably perhaps have one last conversation saying why you are 'bothering' her so much - you love her and want her to be well and healthy and you don't want to lose her. And it is possible for her to fight to get better and not accept this. Many type 2 diabetics will be cured simply by losing weight.
Another thought is that, from what you're describing over the last three weeks, she might be unwell. I assume she's seen the GP for an appointment and check-up? Sadly diabetic patients are at high risk of all kinds of things that may not manifest overtly - from urinary tract infections to silent heart attacks. I'm sorry if I'm scaremongering but it might not just all be due to her lack of motivation.0 -
Your mum needs to stop kidding herself, God didn't give her diabetes, she did that all by herself. No one can help her if she won't help herself.
I am diabetic and overweight, i go walking in the park where i can sit when i need to, i have met a lot of lovely people while walking, i now enjoy walking, i have good and bad days but i do what i can,i have lost 37lb, it is hard but worth the effort.
I have beautiful grandchildren and i want to see them grow up,
I think the people are right to say your doctor needs to give your mum a wake up call, she needs to know what can happen if she does nothing about it.0 -
I think it is all about how weak she feels. Going to the gym can be too much to handle. When I started my new way of living I started with little steps one by one.
Walking is an optimal thing, because you can rest and helps to "step out" a little. I did fitness workouts that were shorter - about 20 minutes. Even thinking of a 40 minutes workout seemed too much to me. 20 minutes or less was something I thought maybe I can handle. I felt "safer" at home.
Befit has plenty of workout videos with different goals and intensities, worth checking: http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD0nBMLdq_KbIK9u-mzpNkA
I think, the most challenging is starting. Starting small worked for me, and helped me to became stronger and more confident.:) I hope this helps.0 -
The only thing you can do as a daughter, is to voice your concerns. But ultimately, the change needs to come from within her. I'm sure she wants to change, but is scared about where to start. Maybe ask her to workout with you?0
-
Is your mother very devout? Is there someone in your Mosque who could help her to see that God would want her to take care of her body? Might that be a way to help her out of this?0
-
I'm sorry about your mum and you're wonderful to care about her and want to help her. Unfortunately, you can't make someone do anything they don't want to. But, you can expose her to your own efforts and results. You can get her some books and magazines that will perhaps inspire her. Make them about people her own age as she'll be more likely to feel the motivation to do something.
You might even scare her. Tell her what can happen if she doesn't take control of herself. Show her studies and articles about people in the shape she's in and then those who have overcome the problem.
I should have added that, while I'm no professional, your mother may be suffering from depression. It could be clinical or it could be problem-based. She may have lost her will -- at least for now. Or, her meds could be wearing her down and out.
You probably ought to take her to someone who can evaluate her emotionally and physically.0 -
I would say : absolutely nothing you can do. She's an adult , she makes her choices, if she can get type II diabetes and that doesn't serve as a wake up call you certainly aren't going to get her to change.
My father (now 83) has Type II also, likewise I tried to advise him on diet etc it just didn't work, pretty much food was his only entertainment. He just took the pill and left it at that. If its any consolation he is now 83 and hasn't suffered any serious consequences of diabetes, (although he has other obesity related issues causing him grief).
Try not to worry and as I say my father turned 83 today and is showing no signs of leaving this world so it may not mean a short life span for her if its being managed by the doctors well.
How old is your dad?
I'm being a brat, sorry!0 -
I work in a pharmacy and just had a patient go from the pills to insulin. NOT fun. Now he is trapped to a cooler or staying at home so he can keep his insulin cold. I am reading the South Beach Diet and it is written by a doctor. He has testimonials about multiple people following this and getting off of all meds. It is worth a look see. OH, and the best part ... all you have to do is change how you eat. She wont be hungry and she doesn't have to exercise if she doesn't want too. Of course it would be better if she did. How about asking her to join you in some activity. She may not even know she is exercising.
0 -
BUMP0
-
Write out your concerns in a letter, attach copies of studies, etc., give it to her, then BE DONE WITH IT. Your mom's an adult, and she's choosing to respond to her health situation in a way that is clearly detrimental to her.
Do you need to keep reminding her? Nope.
Does she appreciate all your nagging? Nope.
Is it hard to watch her self destruct? Yep.
Anything you can do to change it? Nope.
Just love your mom and help her out when she ASKS for help. You're going to damage the relationship if you keep pushing, despite your good intentions.
My dad has cancer (two kinds, actually), and won't do anything I've asked him to do to help him along. I had to accept that. I love my dad. I hate his choices. But I love my dad. And I don't want to spend the rest of his life nagging at him and making him feel guilty.0 -
How rotten as it might be: most people wake up when it is (almost) too late already and can be pleased they get a second chance. I feel sorry for you, but the only person who truly can help your mum is your mum! All you can do is keep talking and tell her why you want her to change her mind (like you love her and want her to be around as long as possible, see grand kids grow up, etc etc), as long as you don't push it too much.0
-
Thanks everyone for the replies
My mum's told me that she is seeing the nurse at the doctor on Monday. I'll go along with her and going to walk there and back lol. It's a 10min walk, so shouldn't be too difficult. I hope.
I understand that life is difficult and we all deal with stress differently. But for her to choose an all butter croissant over porridge is really frightening.
I will definitely give another talk to my mum and hopefully the nurse will make her open her eyes a bit more about what she is doing to herself.
Thanks again for replying and to those sharing their stories. It makes me feel reassured that I'm not the only one, and I hope you all stay strong through these tough times too!0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 426 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions