Dealing With "Compliments" That Are Not Complimentary

Ghostofachance

I've had this happen at the gym I frequent at least 3 times in the last couple of months. I work out at the same gym, at the same time, at least five days a week. I know most of the members who work out at this time by sight but usually keep to myself (it's early and I'm there to do work.)

In the middle of my workout or as I'm grabbing my jacket out of the cubby, someone will come up to congratulate me on all of the hard work I am doing and how it motivates them to see me at the gym working out. I usually shrug and say thanks for noticing, but it actually really irritates me.

I know they think they are complimenting me on my dedication, but it rings hollow because I know the reason they're coming up to me - I don't look like most of the guys in the gym. I don't have cut arms and abs and I wouldn't dare walk around in a sleeveless shirt cut down the sides, I am well aware that I have a visible gut and am carrying at least 80 extra pounds, but I'm there for the same types of reasons everyone else is.

No need to come over to me and tell me it's great seeing ME at the gym because you know what, I'm going to continue to be there. If I inspire you, great, but you don't need to tell me because what you're doing, intentionally or not, is saying that you're surprised an overweight guy would be there every day in an effort to improve himself.

Does this happen to any of you? How do you cope with it?

cmriverside

They probably started out where you are as well and it's a good reminder to them where they came from, and helps them push on. It's not easy to keep coming back once the work is "finished" so to speak.

Encouraging others seems to be the very best of human behavior. Maybe you'll make some friends if you open your heart just a tiny bit.

If people use you as an inspiration, how is that annoying?

I think you're letting your pride get in the way. Take the compliment!

usmcmp

Maybe they are sincere and mean it as a compliment? You're reading a lot into what someone else is saying. Take the compliment as a compliment.

jgnatca

Smile and say “Thank you”. Own it as you have earned it. The condescension is on them.

mom23mangos

I think you are letting your insecurities get the best of you. People are trying to be nice. I'm inspired by all manners of people at the gym who show up day in and day out whether they feel motivated to or not. The 70yr old grandma, the 9mo pregnant lady, the overweight guy, the ripped chick....take the compliment with graciousness and start thinking the best of people's intentions instead of the worst. I guarantee you will be a happier person because of it.

emjustem87

Yup. Most irritating “compliment” ever. I get it often from friends and family even. But.. you can’t take it negatively or it will affect you negatively. Take it in stride and just be proud of yourself for being dedicated to bettering yourself. I don’t believe anyone means it as an insult. Truly. It’s like the foot-in-mouth syndrome that most folks have on giving advice on every aspect of your life like its any of their business.

Be proud of yourself and keep going. Never mind mindless, not-thought-out comments.

theowlbox

I wouldn't assume that they are motivated by you because they were you. I think it's likely they don't want to become you. You are inspiring to them, for whatever reason, but they likely logically know that it's more difficult to do certain things than them. Watching people do difficult things is inspiring; think of the reality tv people watch. I think it's safe to assume that they notice you doing something difficult. And that is genuine.

All the rest of the thoughts, feelings, and assumpions around the rest of the interaction, on both sides, is kind of moot. They could have great intentions or crap ones. I say, leave the gun, take the cannoli. The compliment passes the logic test. The rest of it can go with all the other thoughts and opinions strangers may have. None of our business. It's bothering you because of *your issues* and they are talking because of *theirs*.

You can get riled up about it or you can assume the best. A positive stance can be more helpful unless you really want to go agro (or passive aggressive) on potential dogooders with no mouth control. Incidentally i'm part of a group on here where people don't want to go to the gym because no one talks to them and they feel shunned.

hud54014

I'd feel flattered to be noticed in the first place. If i ever I felt inspired by anyone at the gym it would be by those people that make an effort to go regularly... people like you, but I'd never walk up to someone to say so...

kenyonhaff

You know what inspires me, a person now at a "normal" weight? Obese people out there who are fat and working their butts off. The elderly people in walkers still determined to take a stroll. The person who is stumbling around in Zumba, obviously never having been there before.

If I come up to you and say something nice, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SEE YOU ARE AWESOME. You don't have to be "perfect" to be worthy of a "you rock!"

usmcmp

When I started working out I was 217 pounds and terrified about being judged by people in the gym. I hid on a treadmill in the corner for months. When I finally ventured into the weight section the thing that kept me there was someone saying, "Nice work". Something that simple lead to me doing several bodybuilding competitions and powerlifting meets. I now take the time to compliment people because it could make them feel a bit more comfortable like it did me. If they see it as condescending that's on them and not me.

quiksylver296

A smart man once said "Give people the benefit of their positive intent." I think that applies here.

88olds

If these are long time regulars, and you are in fact working hard, this definitely sounds complimentary to me. Here’s why- they know the only difference between you and them is time.

Kst76

Ghostofachance wrote: »

I've had this happen at the gym I frequent at least 3 times in the last couple of months. I work out at the same gym, at the same time, at least five days a week. I know most of the members who work out at this time by sight but usually keep to myself (it's early and I'm there to do work.)

In the middle of my workout or as I'm grabbing my jacket out of the cubby, someone will come up to congratulate me on all of the hard work I am doing and how it motivates them to see me at the gym working out. I usually shrug and say thanks for noticing, but it actually really irritates me.

I know they think they are complimenting me on my dedication, but it rings hollow because I know the reason they're coming up to me - I don't look like most of the guys in the gym. I don't have cut arms and abs and I wouldn't dare walk around in a sleeveless shirt cut down the sides, I am well aware that I have a visible gut and am carrying at least 80 extra pounds, but I'm there for the same types of reasons everyone else is.

No need to come over to me and tell me it's great seeing ME at the gym because you know what, I'm going to continue to be there. If I inspire you, great, but you don't need to tell me because what you're doing, intentionally or not, is saying that you're surprised an overweight guy would be there every day in an effort to improve himself.

Does this happen to any of you? How do you cope with it?

Actually no. I don't understand at all. The people I know going to the gym are all sizes and I seen plenty of fat people become ripped. Nobody is surprised to see you there. It sounds you are struggling with self esteem issues. But realize, you have accomplished something amazing. Let people be happy for you, just like you should be proud as well.

Ghostofachance

As many of you have pointed out, I'm probably overthinking the situation. I need to do a better job of simply accepting the compliment. Thanks for making it clearer for me, I appreciate it.