Feedback requested on feelings of resentment......

MonaRaeHill

I am a 57 year old woman, who is short (with a 26" inseam, if that tells you anything), physically disabled, and limited on how many times per week, I can exercise. This is due to said disability, which gets triggered if I even do just a little bit too much, whereupon, I have to rest for 3 days to get the pain threshold back under control. Which then completely derails my 3x a week cardio, minimum goal, for exercise.
The first winter (2010) after I got injured, (in Sept of that year), I gained over 30 pounds; the second winter, another 30, and they weren't really even hard winters; although the nerve drugs I take (for the pain) make me clumsy and I did fall and break a toe and a finger (on two different occasions), on the ice, because I refused to NOT exercise.
I noticed the weight gain at the time, and tried to get on top of it, (via regular exercise) but every time I would get a good program under way (10,000 daily steps, <1500 calories), I would get derailed once again, by the resurgence of the injury & the accompanying pain. It's taken me this long (7 years) to figure out that I was indulging myself with chocolate every time I had a setback and couldn't exercise regularly, as I'd always done (at least, in my adult years; I did not grow up with regular exercise as a thing).
Last winter, due to taking CBD supplements, and just doing the minimum of exercise, I only gained 2 pounds. But, I did semi-fast (shakes only), for 2 weeks of the month, every other month (so three times this winter). I am glad and grateful I didn't gain more, but am disturbed that intermittent fasting isn't even providing a level of maintenance! My metabolism is basement baseline at best.
Sad enough, I am at the heaviest I've EVER been, and I don't like it, much. I would like to lose at least 60 pounds, preferably b4 next winter arrives, because I don't want to sabotage myself if there's a bad winter. I would be very happy to be at a fit 165-175 lbs, like I was, b4 the surgery. Even then, tho, I was always trying to lose more....which meant I had to be very vigilant about eating habits....then the surgery......and well, you know, what I said uptop........
I know that I comfort eat, especially when depressed. I also know that chocolate is not my friend, but I just always feel like I am starting from 0, and when I go for long periods without losing (did I mention my metabolism is crap?), I start to feel resentful that I can't eat what I want, when I want, like I did in my youth........gah.
Do any of you feel these feelings? What do you do, to cope?
I am an artist, so I have plenty of things to distract myself with, and I also have a supportive partner. I still get those feelings tho, after not seeing any even slow progress.......then I eat, whatever, and start the whole cycling thing, again.
Again, what do ya'll do, when running into this? (I do meditate, and am in therapy, as well). When I start feeling resentful, none of my coping skills seems to work! My very rebellious internal toddler, WILL have that eclair, every night, for a midnight snack. So there. lol. (I'm kidding), sort of.

usmcmp

Since you seem to see a lot of doctors or at least one regularly have they done thyroid and hormonal testing?

Even thought I am active and can afford to workout hard most days of the week I still have resentful feelings that I can't eat like I did in high school. I forget sometimes and the scale reminds me. I try to focus on really enjoying the treats (chocolate, pizza, eclairs) when I get them. I tend to wolf food down without tasting, so slowing down to enjoy them ensures I get the most out of it. My trainer has to remind me from time to time that I need to eat like an adult and not a teenager. That doesn't mean foods are off limits, they're just limited.

MonaRaeHill

HI.
Yea, there's that...good reminder....trying to also remember to eat more slowly and not wolf, as well. I don't see so many docs now, but yea, had the thyroid testing, b4 this round of trying to get my old self, back! As for hormones, yea, the surgery was a hysterectomy so pretty sure most of my estrogen is GONE. lol.
It's just me, really. My emotions sabotage me, as I have always been an emotional comfort eater. I don't really know what to do, when I am faced with extreme fatigue, and am also hungry, but can't eat. I know there is at least one 12 step program here for OA, but they are on the wrong day (it's the day I usually see my counselor), so that's not an option, or else, I would go. Gah. It's rough to deal with that inner sniper........lol.