Long story and in need of some encouragement
ceolyn
Posts: 31 Member
I grew up in a family of tall, very thin, eat anything they want without paying much mind people.
That's not me. Not even a little bit.
At 5'6" I'm between two to five inches shorter than most of the women in my family (exceptions being my mom who's my height, and the ladies who married in). When puberty hit instead of gaining inches up, I gained inches out. Mostly hips and boobs. My standard of beauty was my mom and her sisters, who were all long and lean, without much of a dip between their waists and hips. I currently have a 33" waist and 45" hips. At my fittest 27" waist, 39" hip. I hate buying pants.
I developed a serious allergy to chlorine that forced me to quit swim team at 14, then suffered a foot injury which limited the kinds and amount of activities I could enjoy until my 20's, when I finally had corrective surgery.
Working 40-60 hours a week, going to college, eating crap, and drinking a lot of soda my weight steadily crept up. In 2004 at the age of 27 I weighed 208 lbs. I felt grotesque at family events.
A bunch of ladies in the office where I was working joined Weight Watchers and convinced me to join too. I tracked my points, started going on more walks, stopped drinking soda and juice, and started drinking more water. I lost 25 lbs fairly easily, and joined a gym. My weight-loss stalled shortly after, because I became too active for the WW calculation.
I dropped WW and joined CalorieKing. I tracked my CICO diligently. Took martial arts, started to run, and began to do regular strength training. My weight moved steadily down. I lost another 38 lbs. I felt fantastic. I could run a sub 30 5k (28:59 is still sub 30). I could do 25 push-ups. I could aaalllllmost do an unassisted pull-up.
Then in December of '05 a group of "concerned friends" confronted me publicly at a large social event, in front of about 50 witnesses, and accused me of having an eating disorder and of being "too thin". I weighed 146 lbs, and had set 140 as my goal weight. The intervention was also taken online to one of the internet communities I was a part of, where another 100 people saw it. Photo is from around that time.
My partner was largely unsupportive and gaslit me by defending the people who confronted me. I stopped talking to him about my goals.
Over the following few months my weight fluctuated between 145 and 150, depending on how I was doing with my logging and activity. My weight stabilized at the 150 mark, and I continued to be active but felt a lot of insecurity about keeping a food journal anymore, because the justification that the people who confronted me used was that I kept a food journal in the first place.
In 2007 I changed jobs, got a divorce, and totaled my car. I relied on my bike and walking to get me where I needed to go. My weight wavered between 150 and 155 depending on time of the month, and how many errands I'd had to run that week.
In 2010 I got a car again, stopped cycling so much, didn't make up for it at the gym, and had my job title change. My work responsibilities went through the roof, and I went from regularly working 40-45 hour weeks to 50-70 hour weeks. I had that job for another 5 and a half years.
My weight crept up.
When I finally changed jobs in January of 2016, I was excited. I'd moved to a job that would allow me a better work/life balance, which would (my hope was) allow me to refocus on health and fitness. Two days before I started my new job, I fractured my right ankle badly enough that I was in a cast for 12 weeks. Recovery took the better part of 18 months because of the severity of the surrounding soft tissue damage, I sprained, strained, and partially tore almost every tendon and ligament in my ankle. When I mess up, I don't mess around.
Between May of '16 and July of '17 I got laid off twice. I was trying to get more activity by walking, but was limited by what my ankle would allow.
After two years my ankle is strong enough again to allow me to be more physically active. I have a better job. I joined the local Y. I've been going to spin class, swimming again (yay UV filtered pool), and meeting with a trainer to help me get on track.
In January 10, 2019 my weight was 192.5, today it's 184. I want to lose 44lbs and FINALLY get to my goal by my 41st birthday in September. I hope I can do this. It's hard though, I have a lot of feelings of shame for allowing myself to get back to this point. I know better. I know how to keep a food journal, track my calories, have goals, the dangers of using food as rewards. I could have avoided some or all of this, and pure laziness and apathy got in the way.
Has anyone else experienced those feelings, and how do you manage them?
That's not me. Not even a little bit.
At 5'6" I'm between two to five inches shorter than most of the women in my family (exceptions being my mom who's my height, and the ladies who married in). When puberty hit instead of gaining inches up, I gained inches out. Mostly hips and boobs. My standard of beauty was my mom and her sisters, who were all long and lean, without much of a dip between their waists and hips. I currently have a 33" waist and 45" hips. At my fittest 27" waist, 39" hip. I hate buying pants.
I developed a serious allergy to chlorine that forced me to quit swim team at 14, then suffered a foot injury which limited the kinds and amount of activities I could enjoy until my 20's, when I finally had corrective surgery.
Working 40-60 hours a week, going to college, eating crap, and drinking a lot of soda my weight steadily crept up. In 2004 at the age of 27 I weighed 208 lbs. I felt grotesque at family events.
A bunch of ladies in the office where I was working joined Weight Watchers and convinced me to join too. I tracked my points, started going on more walks, stopped drinking soda and juice, and started drinking more water. I lost 25 lbs fairly easily, and joined a gym. My weight-loss stalled shortly after, because I became too active for the WW calculation.
I dropped WW and joined CalorieKing. I tracked my CICO diligently. Took martial arts, started to run, and began to do regular strength training. My weight moved steadily down. I lost another 38 lbs. I felt fantastic. I could run a sub 30 5k (28:59 is still sub 30). I could do 25 push-ups. I could aaalllllmost do an unassisted pull-up.
Then in December of '05 a group of "concerned friends" confronted me publicly at a large social event, in front of about 50 witnesses, and accused me of having an eating disorder and of being "too thin". I weighed 146 lbs, and had set 140 as my goal weight. The intervention was also taken online to one of the internet communities I was a part of, where another 100 people saw it. Photo is from around that time.
My partner was largely unsupportive and gaslit me by defending the people who confronted me. I stopped talking to him about my goals.
Over the following few months my weight fluctuated between 145 and 150, depending on how I was doing with my logging and activity. My weight stabilized at the 150 mark, and I continued to be active but felt a lot of insecurity about keeping a food journal anymore, because the justification that the people who confronted me used was that I kept a food journal in the first place.
In 2007 I changed jobs, got a divorce, and totaled my car. I relied on my bike and walking to get me where I needed to go. My weight wavered between 150 and 155 depending on time of the month, and how many errands I'd had to run that week.
In 2010 I got a car again, stopped cycling so much, didn't make up for it at the gym, and had my job title change. My work responsibilities went through the roof, and I went from regularly working 40-45 hour weeks to 50-70 hour weeks. I had that job for another 5 and a half years.
My weight crept up.
When I finally changed jobs in January of 2016, I was excited. I'd moved to a job that would allow me a better work/life balance, which would (my hope was) allow me to refocus on health and fitness. Two days before I started my new job, I fractured my right ankle badly enough that I was in a cast for 12 weeks. Recovery took the better part of 18 months because of the severity of the surrounding soft tissue damage, I sprained, strained, and partially tore almost every tendon and ligament in my ankle. When I mess up, I don't mess around.
Between May of '16 and July of '17 I got laid off twice. I was trying to get more activity by walking, but was limited by what my ankle would allow.
After two years my ankle is strong enough again to allow me to be more physically active. I have a better job. I joined the local Y. I've been going to spin class, swimming again (yay UV filtered pool), and meeting with a trainer to help me get on track.
In January 10, 2019 my weight was 192.5, today it's 184. I want to lose 44lbs and FINALLY get to my goal by my 41st birthday in September. I hope I can do this. It's hard though, I have a lot of feelings of shame for allowing myself to get back to this point. I know better. I know how to keep a food journal, track my calories, have goals, the dangers of using food as rewards. I could have avoided some or all of this, and pure laziness and apathy got in the way.
Has anyone else experienced those feelings, and how do you manage them?
11
Replies
-
I have experienced some feelings like that, however for me, it was pure laziness and lack of motivation. Unlike you, who had an actual physical handicap. I want to say that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, however I know that that is difficult.
You've said it yourself that you've done this before. Just start again, the only failure is quitting. Start over, that's the only way you'll see any results.2 -
Hey you totally got this! It sounds like you're taking a super healthy approach to weight loss and you're on the right track! It's easy to be self-critical, but it seems to me that your journey has been impressive. You've kept the desire to improve yourself even with negative people in your life. You're gorgeous, and good luck!!
P.s. Just because your family is skinny doesn't mean you have to be. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and truly losing weight because it's what you want for yourself!1 -
I went from 228 down to 173 and let the weight creep back on and now 205. I popped something in my ankle skiing three weeks ago. I was able to get out and run yesterday for a short distance. I hate that my beer gut has come back. The way I look at it I think both of us know how to do this and reach our goals. It is just a matter of doing it now. Spring is here so no excuses it's go time.2
-
Good heavens, your goals seem so reasonable to me. I’m sorry to hear about people publicly shaming you (that’s not an intervention, that was bullying). MFP calorie counting works. Keep up your logging, don’t mention what you’re doing to family and friends, just keep doing what you want to do.5
-
DebLaBounty wrote: »Good heavens, your goals seem so reasonable to me. I’m sorry to hear about people publicly shaming you (that’s not an intervention, that was bullying). MFP calorie counting works. Keep up your logging, don’t mention what you’re doing to family and friends, just keep doing what you want to do.
Agreed! I can't believe that many people around you had the nerve to treat you that way and to even think you had an eating disorder! You look perfectly normal in that pic. Healthy and happy. Sad that they responded that way.
You did it once, you can do it again! Forget all the past, ignore what others say. This is YOUR life. Take control and do not let people or circumstances change your course. Obstacles will be there, so be prepared and just keep going!2 -
DebLaBounty wrote: »Good heavens, your goals seem so reasonable to me. I’m sorry to hear about people publicly shaming you (that’s not an intervention, that was bullying). MFP calorie counting works. Keep up your logging, don’t mention what you’re doing to family and friends, just keep doing what you want to do.
Thank you. It was an especially difficult time, and I have a lot of anxiety that it'll happen again as I drop weight and become more fit.4 -
P.s. Just because your family is skinny doesn't mean you have to be. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and truly losing weight because it's what you want for yourself!
It's less that I want to be skinny and more that I want to be fit, and able to do all the things I say I want to, but often don't because my weight and fitness level holds me back. No power in the 'verse is going to change the fact that I have the shape of a 1940's pin-up, regardless of my weight.
1 -
I think you'll look hawt when you get there. Carry on.0
-
Hi there,
It sounds like that intervention from your friends and family really affected the trajectory of your health journey (along with some pretty crappy injuries). As someone who is recovered from an eating disorder, I understand the feeling of my family and friends looking at me now (I'm strong and muscular) and knowing that they are wondering if I am healthy or if I am still somehow dealing with my eating disorder. I've found that just having honest conversations with them about where I was in the past (mentally) and where I am now has made a huge difference. I'm SO different. I am balanced and my lifestyle is healthy and sustainable. When I help them understand where I am at in life (stable) I can tell they soon see that I am just living my best life and there is nothing to be concerned about.
What do YOU want? When have you felt your healthiest? When have you felt like you wake up in the morning, ready to kick the day in the *kitten*? It's not a question of whether you can do it... because you CAN. It's more about whether you know what is sustainable for you. Be reasonable about the pace at which you lose weight. Remember to still have fun and enjoy your body and yourself no matter what weight you are at. Life can still be great even if you aren't at your ideal weight.
Don't be afraid of your journey and where it will go. Just revel in it and thank yourself - you are giving yourself a gift by putting in the work and trying to live your best life.
Laurie1 -
Oh yes I felt shame coming back here almost at square 1 after I lost 50 lbs 2 years ago.
Actually... let's see. Once upon a time I was around 128-130. 3 kids later I was over 200. Around 210ish. Mortified, I tried a few things (South Beach, Atkins) but could not stick with it. Joined Weight Watchers and lost about 40 lbs!
Quit Weight Watchers when I had 30 lbs to goal because I could do it.
Then a few years later I was 219.
Then finally around 2013 or 2014 I found MFP and I was trying juicing and green smoothies and other things (watched fat sick nearly dead and thought the juices would save me). Somewhere here I learned I weighed 245. May have been higher not sure but that was the highest I know of.
Finally got smart and serious in 2015 and lost 50 lbs w MFP.
Then this Christmas I came back to MFP at 243.
Shame? You bet. But I'm not going to let it stop it. I'm down about 18 lbs now. And once again I feel proud of myself.0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 426 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions