Need Advice - Not Fitness Related

PunkinSpice79

Urgh! I stuck my foot in it. My business partner and I have become very close, since we work together day in and day out. She got married last July to a wonderful man. Here's the problem. Almost every day, I listen to her tell me about these major fights they are having. It seems they didn't have any of the discussions that you should have before you get married. So, in their first year of marriage, they've had BIG problems. She decided he was an alcoholic about two months after they married and she forbids him to drink. The only way she can control his drinking is to always be with him and never leave him alone. She also called his friends and told them he wasn't allowed to drink anymore (???) Then, she finds out that he has tons of debt. Their tax return got garnished to pay some credit card judgment. He says he didn't know anything about it. She gets angry about it, they have these huge fights where she screams at him (says she makes him feel 10 inches tall), and then she goes right back to ignoring the issues. She says he brings nothing to the table, doesn't make decisions, won't be a man and lead, etc. On the other hand, her ex husband was physically abusive to her, so she has some control issues and I kind of think she married a man she could easily control on purpose.

About 3 weeks ago, they had another blow out when she found out some more financial stuff he was hiding from her. I know from experience (hello, divorced!) that money issues in a marriage are a big deal. I also know that yelling at your spouse is an obvious sign of disrespect. Plus, the resentment that comes from feeling like you are the only one "bringing something to the table" or "doing all the work" leads to bitterness, etc.

Here's where I messed up. After this last fight, I told her that while I like her husband, she needs to just cut her losses and go. I told her it is better to admit you messed up now, rather than throw more money and effort into a relationship like this. Granted, I've equated her current marriage to what I had with my ex-husband. Told her I supported her in whatever she did, but that I needed to speak up and would only do it once and then would forever shut up about it. Everything seemed fine.

Fast forward to this weekend. It's gotten back to me that she told her husband what I said (I'm sure she left out the part where I said I like him, etc.), as well as her best friends. The best friends are pretty mad at me and the husband (of the best friend couple) unfriended me on Facebook. (oh well, didn't like them anyway).

I'm looking for some advice on what to do next? I think the solution is to do nothing and just let this die down. Who cares about a couple who only heard one side of the story and decided they don't like me, you know? I've thought of going back to my business partner (and very close friend) and just making sure she understood I was speaking out of a desire for her best interest, not out of hate or hoping that bad things happen to her, but I don't think we have any issues. She has every right to "vent" about me or things she perceives I've said and done. It isn't her fault if the person she vents to is too stupid and immature to know that there are two sides of every story. So am I right, do nothing? Least said, soonest mended? Or do I tell her what happened and see what she says?

(I should add that we've been working together just fine these last few weeks, she wasn't angry, and she probably has no idea that this got back to me). I have learned an important lesson too: shut up.

TyTy76

Shut up

ScatteredThoughts

You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??

RobTheGourmet

You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??

The American way though Scatteredthou get married on a whim and then divorce shortly after :X

melb_alex

Ah the infamous 'what should I do' 'I want to vent what do you think' comes into play here.

They ALWAYS ask your advice then have the audacity to tell their partner deflecting the attention/issue away from them!

Same thing has happened with friends and even my sister and it's a tough one.

As there was obviously no malicious intent from your side (you were merely advising her based on your loyalty to HER) I would walk away with my head held high. You simply fulfilled the role of the caring best friend.

She is obviously a twit (sorry) for opening up her big mouth, not seeing your genuine intentions and bad mouthing you to mutual friends/acquaintances.

In my humble opinion you did nothing wrong.

griff7809

Shut up

QFT. Unless somebody is in danger...stay out of it.

Edit: Let me elaborate, your job as a dear freind is done. You gave your advice. Your job is done here and you did what was right by being a confidant. At this point, unless she is in danger, I would stay out of it to stave off any future drama in your life.

melb_alex

Shut up

I suggest you re-read the post before you come to that conclusion so quickly.

PunkinSpice79

You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??

The American way though Scatteredthou get married on a whim and then divorce shortly after :X

I had previously advised counseling, after the alcoholic thing came up and she declined saying that he was the only person who needed help (yikes!)

Lalasharni

Whilst you did and said what you said out of friendship and without any malicious intent, "chinese whispers" always take things out of proportion.
Back away and allow things to settle as they will do. She will either leave him or she wont. If she does and wants your support, you'll be there. If she stays with this jerk (my opinion only) then you have no recourse than to let her get on with it.

PaleoChocolateBear

Nothing you can do about it now, personally I stay out of peoples personal affairs. I guess you can just chalk this up to lesson learned. Hopefully it doesn't kill your business

PunkinSpice79

Ah the infamous 'what should I do' 'I want to vent what do you think' comes into play here.

They ALWAYS ask your advice then have the audacity to tell their partner deflecting the attention/issue away from them!

Same thing has happened with friends and even my sister and it's a tough one.

As there was obviously no malicious intent from your side (you were merely advising her based on your loyalty to HER) I would walk away with my head held high. You simply fulfilled the role of the caring best friend.

She is obviously a twit (sorry) for opening up her big mouth, not seeing your genuine intentions and bad mouthing you to mutual friends/acquaintances.

In my humble opinion you did nothing wrong.

Thank you so much for understanding! I love her and want the best for her and her two children. I don't want her to have the bitterness that I have after wasting seven years of my life and thousands and thousands of dollars on my exhusband. She just sold her retirement accounts to buy them new furniture and get them a house to rent. Urgh! I think she'll regret that one day.

PunkinSpice79

Did I mention she pulled money out of her kid's college accounts to pay for his divorce from his first wife? smh...

ScatteredThoughts

I had previously advised counseling, after the alcoholic thing came up and she declined saying that he was the only person who needed help (yikes!)

As others have said, then there is probably not much else you can do. Perhaps express your hopes that they work things out one way or another, and then just keep out of it. It does sound like they both need help, but you can't force them to do it.

melb_alex

Ah the infamous 'what should I do' 'I want to vent what do you think' comes into play here.

They ALWAYS ask your advice then have the audacity to tell their partner deflecting the attention/issue away from them!

Same thing has happened with friends and even my sister and it's a tough one.

As there was obviously no malicious intent from your side (you were merely advising her based on your loyalty to HER) I would walk away with my head held high. You simply fulfilled the role of the caring best friend.

She is obviously a twit (sorry) for opening up her big mouth, not seeing your genuine intentions and bad mouthing you to mutual friends/acquaintances.

In my humble opinion you did nothing wrong.

Thank you so much for understanding! I love her and want the best for her and her two children. I don't want her to have the bitterness that I have after wasting seven years of my life and thousands and thousands of dollars on my exhusband. She just sold her retirement accounts to buy them new furniture and get them a house to rent. Urgh! I think she'll regret that one day.

No worries

Unfortunately people can be close minded on here but I grasped your intentions

Oh god really??? Like a bad accident...that's terrible...he sounds like quite the idiot...

jdm_taco

Shut up and tell her you don't want to hear her gripe about her POS husband

TyTy76

Did I mention she pulled money out of her kid's college accounts to pay for his divorce from his first wife? smh...

You have made your case to her. Not much else you can do. Just drop it

PunkinSpice79

Thanks all. Chalking this up as a lesson learned - keep my mouth shut in future. I do think that I might limit listening to this kind of stuff. I'll be nicely changing the subject from now on.

TruckersWifeTruckersLife

You can be given so much advice on what to do and what not to do but the fact is you are the only one that can make the final decision on what you want to do.

You should always keep work and your social life separate what happens at home with things like that should be kept behind doors unless someone is getting hit from it then yes something does need to be done about it.

saschka7

You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??

The American way though Scatteredthou get married on a whim and then divorce shortly after :X

WTF? I'm American and I would never do this nor would anyone I know. Don't base your opinions on what Americans supposedly do by what you read in the tabloids or see on TV.

Geez! I can't believe I actually have to point this out to someone.:grumble:

Dauntlessness

I skimmed though your post because it seemed like blah blah blah, I like to involve myself in someone else's drama, blah blah blah.
If you get involved in other people marriages and give your advice, be prepared to lose a friend. If you bad mouth the spouse and they get back together, they will resent you. If you tell her to stay and she is unhappy, she will resent you and think your judging. If they break up and she becomes unhappy, she will resent you for giving bad advice. Suggest a therapist or change the subject. Remain neutral.

Hiccup62301

If I were you, I'd be concerned about my business. Her personal life is falling apart and you have said she has all of these financial issues (paying for his debt, taking money out of her children's college funds, etc.) and she obviously cannot separate her personal life from her professional life. I seriously hope for your sake that she doesn't deal with any of the financial aspect of your business!

RobTheGourmet

You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??

The American way though Scatteredthou get married on a whim and then divorce shortly after :X

WTF? I'm American and I would never do this nor would anyone I know. Don't base your opinions on what Americans supposedly do by what you read in the tabloids or see on TV.

Geez! I can't believe I actually have to point this out to someone.:grumble:

perhaps look at statistics and sociological studies by US university's, this is fact not some tabloid or propaganda by US media and I live in the US..

wswilliams67

1) It's none of your business so stay out of it as far as giving advice. Be an ear to listen, but avoid offering 'solutions'. Unless it starts to adversely affect your business, this is her mess to deal with.

2) Men get married hoping she will never change, women get married hoping he will. This is a recipe for disaster.

3) Sounds like they are two individuals in a marriage, not a team trying to resolve issues. The first year of marriage is the hardest and if they went into it without having everything on the table then they are both at fault.

Bottom line, other than listening to some venting (which should not be an ongoing occurrence) keep your mouth shut.

svr1964

I'd say forgive yourself and move on...you can't take back what you said and never meant for it to be repeated to her husband. There have been times I've listened so long to so much, I'd have said the same thing. As for worrying about what he thinks, I'd guess he's got so many other things on his mind he either isn't thinking of what was said at all, or he won't be for long. Good luck~

sharonfoustmills

If things seem fine then I would leave them be, but the next time she begins to tell you about her marital issues you should probably tell her "look, we're business partners, we're friends, and I think that you sharing your marital problems with me could destroy both- I want to support you, but I just don't think these are details you should share with me, if you need emotional support I can give you that, but I don't want to hear about your arguments with your spouse"

and as a person who has worked in marriage counseling, it does not sound hopeful- they need professional help to get this situation worked out and move on in a healthier marriage and it will take a LOT of work from both of them to accomplish that

HollisGrant

Your business partner sounds like a really toxic person, never mind her husband. She's been privately venting to you, so you told her your opinion, so she took revenge on you.

The tipoff was the drama queen stuff. She married someone with major problems and instead of going to counseling with him, she rags on him to someone else, which will solve nothing. People like that are almost always a disaster.

lostdogg

Take your own advice.

Cut your losses.

Then move on and think real hard before giving marital advice again. If someone comes at you in the future with complaints of an SO, tell them to talk to a counselor and leave you out.

Hope you get everything worked out

kendunn579

I have a friend who had some relationship problems and I listened to him whenever he wanted to talk about it. I empathised, but I never gave advice. Advice is never taken in relationship problems anyway.

Rule of thumb, being a friend is about listening and not butting in.

My answer to your question is to say sorry to your business partner to clear the air and let them work things out for themselves. Just keep listening and empathising when you can.

NYactor1

Cut your losses, find a new business partner. People who make bad personal decisions have been known to make bad professional decisions.

fShaw86

People are gonna talk smack whether you say anything or don't. Even if you HADN'T said anything, you'd have been accused of not saying anything.

Also, couples, parents-children, families and stuff.. no matter how hard people fight, they will always resent a third party's advice. I've seen it happen more than once. Advise an angry son in a mother-son fight, and he'll go tell his mom and they'll be okay, and will blame you for everything that happened.

melb_alex

FFS harsh much?!