Need Advice - Not Fitness Related
PunkinSpice79
Posts: 309 Member
in Chit-Chat
Urgh! I stuck my foot in it. My business partner and I have become very close, since we work together day in and day out. She got married last July to a wonderful man. Here's the problem. Almost every day, I listen to her tell me about these major fights they are having. It seems they didn't have any of the discussions that you should have before you get married. So, in their first year of marriage, they've had BIG problems. She decided he was an alcoholic about two months after they married and she forbids him to drink. The only way she can control his drinking is to always be with him and never leave him alone. She also called his friends and told them he wasn't allowed to drink anymore (???) Then, she finds out that he has tons of debt. Their tax return got garnished to pay some credit card judgment. He says he didn't know anything about it. She gets angry about it, they have these huge fights where she screams at him (says she makes him feel 10 inches tall), and then she goes right back to ignoring the issues. She says he brings nothing to the table, doesn't make decisions, won't be a man and lead, etc. On the other hand, her ex husband was physically abusive to her, so she has some control issues and I kind of think she married a man she could easily control on purpose.
About 3 weeks ago, they had another blow out when she found out some more financial stuff he was hiding from her. I know from experience (hello, divorced!) that money issues in a marriage are a big deal. I also know that yelling at your spouse is an obvious sign of disrespect. Plus, the resentment that comes from feeling like you are the only one "bringing something to the table" or "doing all the work" leads to bitterness, etc.
Here's where I messed up. After this last fight, I told her that while I like her husband, she needs to just cut her losses and go. I told her it is better to admit you messed up now, rather than throw more money and effort into a relationship like this. Granted, I've equated her current marriage to what I had with my ex-husband. Told her I supported her in whatever she did, but that I needed to speak up and would only do it once and then would forever shut up about it. Everything seemed fine.
Fast forward to this weekend. It's gotten back to me that she told her husband what I said (I'm sure she left out the part where I said I like him, etc.), as well as her best friends. The best friends are pretty mad at me and the husband (of the best friend couple) unfriended me on Facebook. (oh well, didn't like them anyway).
I'm looking for some advice on what to do next? I think the solution is to do nothing and just let this die down. Who cares about a couple who only heard one side of the story and decided they don't like me, you know? I've thought of going back to my business partner (and very close friend) and just making sure she understood I was speaking out of a desire for her best interest, not out of hate or hoping that bad things happen to her, but I don't think we have any issues. She has every right to "vent" about me or things she perceives I've said and done. It isn't her fault if the person she vents to is too stupid and immature to know that there are two sides of every story. So am I right, do nothing? Least said, soonest mended? Or do I tell her what happened and see what she says?
(I should add that we've been working together just fine these last few weeks, she wasn't angry, and she probably has no idea that this got back to me). I have learned an important lesson too: shut up.
About 3 weeks ago, they had another blow out when she found out some more financial stuff he was hiding from her. I know from experience (hello, divorced!) that money issues in a marriage are a big deal. I also know that yelling at your spouse is an obvious sign of disrespect. Plus, the resentment that comes from feeling like you are the only one "bringing something to the table" or "doing all the work" leads to bitterness, etc.
Here's where I messed up. After this last fight, I told her that while I like her husband, she needs to just cut her losses and go. I told her it is better to admit you messed up now, rather than throw more money and effort into a relationship like this. Granted, I've equated her current marriage to what I had with my ex-husband. Told her I supported her in whatever she did, but that I needed to speak up and would only do it once and then would forever shut up about it. Everything seemed fine.
Fast forward to this weekend. It's gotten back to me that she told her husband what I said (I'm sure she left out the part where I said I like him, etc.), as well as her best friends. The best friends are pretty mad at me and the husband (of the best friend couple) unfriended me on Facebook. (oh well, didn't like them anyway).
I'm looking for some advice on what to do next? I think the solution is to do nothing and just let this die down. Who cares about a couple who only heard one side of the story and decided they don't like me, you know? I've thought of going back to my business partner (and very close friend) and just making sure she understood I was speaking out of a desire for her best interest, not out of hate or hoping that bad things happen to her, but I don't think we have any issues. She has every right to "vent" about me or things she perceives I've said and done. It isn't her fault if the person she vents to is too stupid and immature to know that there are two sides of every story. So am I right, do nothing? Least said, soonest mended? Or do I tell her what happened and see what she says?
(I should add that we've been working together just fine these last few weeks, she wasn't angry, and she probably has no idea that this got back to me). I have learned an important lesson too: shut up.
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Replies
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Shut up0
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You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??0
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You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??
The American way though Scatteredthou get married on a whim and then divorce shortly after :X0 -
Ah the infamous 'what should I do' 'I want to vent what do you think' comes into play here.
They ALWAYS ask your advice then have the audacity to tell their partner deflecting the attention/issue away from them!
Same thing has happened with friends and even my sister and it's a tough one.
As there was obviously no malicious intent from your side (you were merely advising her based on your loyalty to HER) I would walk away with my head held high. You simply fulfilled the role of the caring best friend.
She is obviously a twit (sorry) for opening up her big mouth, not seeing your genuine intentions and bad mouthing you to mutual friends/acquaintances.
In my humble opinion you did nothing wrong.0 -
Shut up
QFT. Unless somebody is in danger...stay out of it.
Edit: Let me elaborate, your job as a dear freind is done. You gave your advice. Your job is done here and you did what was right by being a confidant. At this point, unless she is in danger, I would stay out of it to stave off any future drama in your life.0 -
Shut up
I suggest you re-read the post before you come to that conclusion so quickly.0 -
You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??
The American way though Scatteredthou get married on a whim and then divorce shortly after :X
I had previously advised counseling, after the alcoholic thing came up and she declined saying that he was the only person who needed help (yikes!)0 -
Whilst you did and said what you said out of friendship and without any malicious intent, "chinese whispers" always take things out of proportion.
Back away and allow things to settle as they will do. She will either leave him or she wont. If she does and wants your support, you'll be there. If she stays with this jerk (my opinion only) then you have no recourse than to let her get on with it.0 -
Nothing you can do about it now, personally I stay out of peoples personal affairs. I guess you can just chalk this up to lesson learned. Hopefully it doesn't kill your business0
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Ah the infamous 'what should I do' 'I want to vent what do you think' comes into play here.
They ALWAYS ask your advice then have the audacity to tell their partner deflecting the attention/issue away from them!
Same thing has happened with friends and even my sister and it's a tough one.
As there was obviously no malicious intent from your side (you were merely advising her based on your loyalty to HER) I would walk away with my head held high. You simply fulfilled the role of the caring best friend.
She is obviously a twit (sorry) for opening up her big mouth, not seeing your genuine intentions and bad mouthing you to mutual friends/acquaintances.
In my humble opinion you did nothing wrong.
Thank you so much for understanding! I love her and want the best for her and her two children. I don't want her to have the bitterness that I have after wasting seven years of my life and thousands and thousands of dollars on my exhusband. She just sold her retirement accounts to buy them new furniture and get them a house to rent. Urgh! I think she'll regret that one day.
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Did I mention she pulled money out of her kid's college accounts to pay for his divorce from his first wife? smh...0
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I had previously advised counseling, after the alcoholic thing came up and she declined saying that he was the only person who needed help (yikes!)
As others have said, then there is probably not much else you can do. Perhaps express your hopes that they work things out one way or another, and then just keep out of it. It does sound like they both need help, but you can't force them to do it.0 -
Ah the infamous 'what should I do' 'I want to vent what do you think' comes into play here.
They ALWAYS ask your advice then have the audacity to tell their partner deflecting the attention/issue away from them!
Same thing has happened with friends and even my sister and it's a tough one.
As there was obviously no malicious intent from your side (you were merely advising her based on your loyalty to HER) I would walk away with my head held high. You simply fulfilled the role of the caring best friend.
She is obviously a twit (sorry) for opening up her big mouth, not seeing your genuine intentions and bad mouthing you to mutual friends/acquaintances.
In my humble opinion you did nothing wrong.
Thank you so much for understanding! I love her and want the best for her and her two children. I don't want her to have the bitterness that I have after wasting seven years of my life and thousands and thousands of dollars on my exhusband. She just sold her retirement accounts to buy them new furniture and get them a house to rent. Urgh! I think she'll regret that one day.
No worries
Unfortunately people can be close minded on here but I grasped your intentions
Oh god really??? Like a bad accident...that's terrible...he sounds like quite the idiot...0 -
Shut up and tell her you don't want to hear her gripe about her POS husband0
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Did I mention she pulled money out of her kid's college accounts to pay for his divorce from his first wife? smh...
You have made your case to her. Not much else you can do. Just drop it0 -
Thanks all. Chalking this up as a lesson learned - keep my mouth shut in future. I do think that I might limit listening to this kind of stuff. I'll be nicely changing the subject from now on.0
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You can be given so much advice on what to do and what not to do but the fact is you are the only one that can make the final decision on what you want to do.
You should always keep work and your social life separate what happens at home with things like that should be kept behind doors unless someone is getting hit from it then yes something does need to be done about it.0 -
You recommended she cut her losses, but nothing about marriage counseling to try and work things out??
The American way though Scatteredthou get married on a whim and then divorce shortly after :X
WTF? I'm American and I would never do this nor would anyone I know. Don't base your opinions on what Americans supposedly do by what you read in the tabloids or see on TV.
Geez! I can't believe I actually have to point this out to someone.:grumble:0 -
I skimmed though your post because it seemed like blah blah blah, I like to involve myself in someone else's drama, blah blah blah.
If you get involved in other people marriages and give your advice, be prepared to lose a friend. If you bad mouth the spouse and they get back together, they will resent you. If you tell her to stay and she is unhappy, she will resent you and think your judging. If they break up and she becomes unhappy, she will resent you for giving bad advice. Suggest a therapist or change the subject. Remain neutral.0 -
If I were you, I'd be concerned about my business. Her personal life is falling apart and you have said she has all of these financial issues (paying for his debt, taking money out of her children's college funds, etc.) and she obviously cannot separate her personal life from her professional life. I seriously hope for your sake that she doesn't deal with any of the financial aspect of your business!0
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