My Blog March 11

ysache13

As I turn to the Lord and pray - I know He's here for me, I know He answers prayers, but I also know He ALLOWS us all to make our own choices and will NEVER interfere with them. He said FREE WILL, so though I have chosen to not eat, to get healthy, to have surgery, to find MYSELF and to even Love ME first after Jesus "I" chose and continue to choose, but I can't control others nor can I help them. Christopher hurt my heart, my son is an alcoholic and this is a first time saying it - I'm not going to water it down any more - saying he's got a drinking issue - he's an alcoholic and I'm so glad his girlfriend left him! I've talked to her now over a year and have helped her self-esteem, but finally she got additional help and took the baby and left! I saw baby yesterday and blessed me, but now that I talked to my son and he's drunk in the morning? I'm so hurt - I told him, I'm also DONE. I told him I refuse to worry about his choices and he's got all the right in the world to hurt himself, but not others and that's my stand. Instead of him going to court, getting therapy and having it documented, what is my son doing? he found his "bio" people who sure gave birth to him but are NOT his family, however, one is letting him live on their couch while they fill him with free booze and he doesn't work! While she in the meantime, got a PPO on him (good for her) got FULL custody of our baby (good for her) and he can't see them 1 full year! Oh sure he's mad, but he's causing it and instead of going to court to try and get visitations that are supervised even if he hates that, my kid is taking his stupid car supposidly next Thursday and driving to Florida because he said he deserves a vacation! I wrote him a note that just said, I'm done - I'm hurt AND I'm ashamed - yep, I sure did - I can't sit here worrying if he'll get in accident and die on me, or get pulled over and put in jail - I can't do that crap. I told him, he's at a cross road and if he choses those people, bye - cause I'm done and if he choses help, I'll be there while he starts getting it, but I am not going to ever get sucked into his ways because I know an abuser when I see one and a liar which is what he's becoming as he drinks. I'm going to get outside, take a walk, pray for him, pray for me and move on. I have surgery in 2 more days and this will NOT stop me from loving MYSELF first - I'm done - we raised him, and he'll be 30 yrs old in August acting like a child - of course I'm ashamed, I really am and I'm mad! a righteous anger is healthy - I'll add more later -

ysache13

David said he had to encourage himself. My heart is heavy, I can't deny that - my son has me down. To hear him drunk hurt my heart and all I can think of right now is where is my bff - she's with Jesus and I'm so alone, crying and when I try to call Lana she's usually busy, with Randall, whatever and I sit here with the Lord and I know I'm so alone and 3 years of not only being alone but having surgery, preparing for my next, having to fight her crazy sister in courts, losing my heart and almost my mind, getting hit with anxiety that never fully leaves me is more than anyone can handle alone - I'm so alone and if I didnt' have the Lord, I'd be dead and I can say that - but He's pulled me up and I know I can deal with this - I have to break it off with my own son and this is yet another trial that I have to pass no matter how hard it hurts - it hurts to the core and I can't stop crying but I too must trust the Lord and I choose HIm above any human being and always will just like he's choosing to drink, run around with those people and even walk away from his own baby - I'm so ashamed of him, I'm so sad but so glad his girlfriend finally put the baby and herself ahead of his crazyness. I need to get up and take a good walk, I think that's what I'll go do even if I have no where to go, I need to get outside and talk to the Lord in the fresh air so He can touch my heart again and heal me. The only good news right now is I'm not hungry and honestly I'm glad I'm not. I don't care if my body try's to hold on to fat it'll have to let go sooner or later and that's just truth! Thank God I have wisdom, knowledge and understanding - Ok, going for my walk