How to respond to friend

seltzermint555

As someone who has lost a lot of weight (100+), I got a lot of questions from friends & acquaintances at first. Most of them just blew me off when I told them it was calorie counting on MFP. I have never been one to push the subject and don't bring up these topics often, in fact I almost NEVER bring it up and don't say much when others go on and on about whatever diet they are on. I just opt out of those conversations. Now that I've been maintaining for a few years, it is even more rare for me to get questions or discuss this stuff (in my day to day life).

I have a friend "Anne" who lost a lot of weight too, I think 70-80 lb. She was going to a gym 7 days a week and eating 1 meal per day during her divorce. Then she got remarried and stopped going to the gym and started eating more & started drinking for the first time. She seems to have gained back the weight. Her business, and she really doesn't whine much about it but once in awhile she will make a comment about how she has gained back 15 lb (I don't say anything, or I say "it's spring now & that's a good time to get active again!" or "produce has been awesome lately, we got some great oranges this week!", because I find it awkward and I think she's a bit in denial)

But the past couple of months Anne is constantly instant messaging me about whatever she eats or drinks, and I'm a little concerned.

This is a message from Saturday:

"They had a big buffet with pastries, biscuits and gravy, eggs, bacon, ham, coffee, oj and more, we ate too much. Then we went to (stores) and to (fast food place) for lunch and got shakes, they were cookies & crème, sooo good. At 4, we came home to relax, get comfy & I made pizza and huge peanut butter cookies, we had some really good beer and then made huge cups of Sprite & gin to take next door for game night. In the morning I made biscuits & gravy and cinnamon rolls for breakfast and everyone really liked it"

I just don't know. I almost feel like she's trolling me or something, it's too extreme. I ignore anything she says about food and alcohol lately because I just do not know what to say! I just change the subject or focus on something else "Did they have any good sales at the store you went to?"

Should I say anything? I did tell her around the December holidays I was a little concerned with how much she was drinking. She has a family history of alcoholism and was a teetotaler until age 38.

I am really leaning toward never saying anything...but I feel weird about it, because with most of my other good friends I'd definitely be like, "wait, what!?" if they described consuming food that way.

TavistockToad

Don't say anything...

Or respond saying 'wow, that's a lot of food' if you don't want to be friends any more!

seltzermint555

TavistockToad wrote: »

Don't say anything...

Or respond saying 'wow, that's a lot of food' if you don't want to be friends any more!

I've actually said that to her several times and she says "Yeah we like to eat!" Unfazed.

TavistockToad

seltzermint555 wrote: »

TavistockToad wrote: »

Don't say anything...

Or respond saying 'wow, that's a lot of food' if you don't want to be friends any more!

I've actually said that to her several times and she says "Yeah we like to eat!" Unfazed.

So you're more bothered by her weight gain than she is?

Let it go. Ignore the food messages.

tulips_and_tea

I'm guessing the friend IS bothered by her weight gain but she's so wrapped up in her new lifestyle she doesn't know how to change it.

Sending messages in detail about food is a bit weird. What do you think her real motive is by telling you all of that? Or maybe there isn't one at all. Since you're her friend, what is your instinct telling you?

seltzermint555

I knew this would get turned around on me quickly but that must be some kind of record. Really not offended because well, I don't care one bit if she is fat or thin to be honest...I do think it could be kind of a cry for help honestly.

And I think it's weird that she's either bragging about how much she eats, or making it like some kind of confessional. I don't know how to take it.

TavistockToad

seltzermint555 wrote: »

I knew this would get turned around on me quickly but that must be some kind of record. Really not offended because well, I don't care one bit if she is fat or thin to be honest...I do think it could be kind of a cry for help honestly.

And I think it's weird that she's either bragging about how much she eats, or making it like some kind of confessional. I don't know how to take it.

Then sit her down and ask her if she wants help?

tulips_and_tea

seltzermint555 wrote: »

I knew this would get turned around on me quickly but that must be some kind of record. Really not offended because well, I don't care one bit if she is fat or thin to be honest...I do think it could be kind of a cry for help honestly.

And I think it's weird that she's either bragging about how much she eats, or making it like some kind of confessional. I don't know how to take it.

Hmmm, that could be. Maybe she's seeking outward approval if she's not happy with herself.

seltzermint555

denny_mac wrote: »

I tend to be a little blunt, but I'd have to ask her why she's telling me about the food and what is she looking for from me in terms of an answer. If nothing else she'll get the message that she's not being clear.

I'm pretty blunt too and I feel like this one topic (the whole women/weight/food umbrella) is the one thing where I tend to tread carefully. Like if she was talking about spending tons of money on credit cards and wildly shopping, I would have had an intervention type discussion with her 2 months ago.

I might ask her why she's giving me their play by play of food and drink. But if so, I think I'll say it in a face to face conversation with her (we don't live in the same state but see each other regularly, every few weeks). That way she can take it seriously or not.

Thanks all.

thynes1313

Just my 2 cents, which is nothing really lol!
I like you had someone similar in my life (although it's not about food), a very close friend of 20 years. There's a lot of times I just didn't know how to reply. There was a lot of "As long as you're happy", "I could never do that.", "Hope you enjoyed it"... I tried every approach! At one point I asked her flat out why she was doing what she was... she wasn't honest and I knew it (she has since admitted it). I had to just step away because I couldn't handle watching her self destruction and we didn't really talk for almost a year. People change and not everyone stays the friend you thought, for all kinds of reasons! Maybe it's just a difference in lifestyle now. I learned the hard way to stop trying to figure people out... it's an impossible task lol! Sounds like you are a great friend to care though, I know how you feel :-).

Lounmoun

How close are you? Like is she your best friend or someone you hang out with occasionally?
Has she asked for support and input for her weight loss efforts?
Her description looks like a lot of people's normal weekends. She might have a problem. She might not. If she cares she undoubtedly knows what to do or would ask for input. She is an adult.

Maybe message her with "sounds like you had quite the day." and the launch into positive descriptions of how you spend your time. She might get so tired of hearing about great produce or how you exercised that she will stop messaging you about her activities so much.

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YvetteK2015

Maybe she's just making conversation about her day and really doesn't care to hear commentary from you about how much she's consuming. If you brought it up to her before and she was unphased, what makes you think she'll care this time?

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Motorsheen

She needs to figure this out on her own & on her own time-frame.

I'd just be there for her support when that time arrives.

seltzermint555

Loumoun,

I literally had to laugh aloud about her getting sick of me taking about produce & exercise, because this has been my hope for awhile now. So far, I guess maybe it's not working.

She was my best friend long ago, we lost touch & got back in contact several years ago and now she's been welcomed back into our larger circle of friends & married my husband's best friend. So she's not going anywhere anytime soon, and I do genuinely enjoy hanging out with her - it's more that I'm confused by the sudden increase in dietary details, I guess.

I guess you're right that her description is kind of normal for some people. I feel like even at my heaviest I just didn't eat like that though! She told me the other night she had a 32 oz Moscow Mule and 4 chicken pot pies for dinner, and "some brownies". My ex husband was a big guy with a physical job and that would have been a lot for him. If she ate all this alone I'd think binge eating disorder but her husband eats it too. I guess everyone's different though and I am glad you mentioned this, that her description COULD be relatively normal for some people.

seltzermint555

Lounmoun,

She hasn't asked for my input on her weight loss efforts. Sorry I forgot to answer that.
When we were both actively losing back in 2013 was around the time we reconnected as friends, and she informed me that she can only lose weight through working out daily and eating one meal per day. So I was like "okay, whatever works!" and I just never talked about it again.

seltzermint555

Motorsheen wrote: »

She needs to figure this out on her own & on her own time-frame.

I'd just be there for her support when that time arrives.

I think this is ultimately what I should do.

But I also think I'm kind of sick of hearing about the excess and I want her to stop, so I'm going to bring it up next time we are together. It doesn't make me "jealous" or anything, it just kind of weirds me out.

Vikka_V

It is a bit strange to me. I see what you mean about 'trolling', or possible bragging or a cry for help. It could be any of those. Sounds like she wants a response.

You've mentioned her drinking, and told her it was a lot of food already, I don't know if you should/need to repeat it, unless she does want help and doesn't know how/want to ask directly.

Maybe just ask her how she is in general?

I don't see anything wrong with being truthful too and telling her "wow, that is a lot" when she talks about all the food she eats.

If it bothers you to say nothing, say something.

seltzermint555

BZAH10 wrote: »

I'm guessing the friend IS bothered by her weight gain but she's so wrapped up in her new lifestyle she doesn't know how to change it.

Sending messages in detail about food is a bit weird. What do you think her real motive is by telling you all of that? Or maybe there isn't one at all. Since you're her friend, what is your instinct telling you?

I think this is really insightful about her being so wrapped up in her new lifestyle that she doesn't know how to change it. Thank you.

At first, my instinct was that she was A- bragging about how much she and her husband went out to eat and how much fun they were having (despite the fact of their entertainment mainly coming from food and drink), and B- kind of blaming her husband for the amounts/types of food they ate. Now I really don't know.