Family issues. Seeking support and advice.
Hello everyone,
I'm here because I really need to vent and get some advice. I'm also embarking on a weight loss journey. So, here goes...
For some background info...I'm 23 years old and I'm a nurse. I work night shift, 3 12 hour shifts per week, 7PM to 7AM. I still live with my parents, but I think it's beyond time to move out.
My mom has a lot of health problems, and doesn't seem to want to take care of herself. I am stuck picking up a lot of the slack and helping her more than I should, and I'm tired of it. Last night, she went to the hospital at 9 PM because she has been acting so out of it at times. They are discharging her because they found nothing wrong, but she is stuck there because it's currently 3 AM and I am at work and my dad is sleeping for work in the morning. I am at work right now and have to work again this evening. She calls me at work and tells me that I WILL come pick her up, or that she will kick me out. I explained to her that I can't come and pick her up and then run errands because I have to work tonight and it's my third night in a row. She kept threatening me and then accused my dad of cheating on her and me knowing about it/being the one he is cheating with. This woman accused me of having sex with my dad...what!? So I explained to her that her issues with my dad have nothing to do with me, and she can call a cab or someone else to come and get her since she wants to talk to me like that. She then threatened to walk home, said that if she got hit I would feel bad, and then called me names.
Have you ever dealt with someone like this? I mean, what the heck is wrong with her? This isn't the first time this has happened, she has threatened to call the cops on me before for little things. She expects everyone to drop everything for her when she says and if you don't you get threatened. I am beyond sick of it. I'm in a financial position to move out, but I have just been waiting until my boyfriend's lease is up so we can move in together.
Any words of advice?
Thanks!
I'm here because I really need to vent and get some advice. I'm also embarking on a weight loss journey. So, here goes...
For some background info...I'm 23 years old and I'm a nurse. I work night shift, 3 12 hour shifts per week, 7PM to 7AM. I still live with my parents, but I think it's beyond time to move out.
My mom has a lot of health problems, and doesn't seem to want to take care of herself. I am stuck picking up a lot of the slack and helping her more than I should, and I'm tired of it. Last night, she went to the hospital at 9 PM because she has been acting so out of it at times. They are discharging her because they found nothing wrong, but she is stuck there because it's currently 3 AM and I am at work and my dad is sleeping for work in the morning. I am at work right now and have to work again this evening. She calls me at work and tells me that I WILL come pick her up, or that she will kick me out. I explained to her that I can't come and pick her up and then run errands because I have to work tonight and it's my third night in a row. She kept threatening me and then accused my dad of cheating on her and me knowing about it/being the one he is cheating with. This woman accused me of having sex with my dad...what!? So I explained to her that her issues with my dad have nothing to do with me, and she can call a cab or someone else to come and get her since she wants to talk to me like that. She then threatened to walk home, said that if she got hit I would feel bad, and then called me names.
Have you ever dealt with someone like this? I mean, what the heck is wrong with her? This isn't the first time this has happened, she has threatened to call the cops on me before for little things. She expects everyone to drop everything for her when she says and if you don't you get threatened. I am beyond sick of it. I'm in a financial position to move out, but I have just been waiting until my boyfriend's lease is up so we can move in together.
Any words of advice?
Thanks!
8
Replies
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100% move out.7
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Move !!! No one needs that *kitten*3
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Move out. The boyfriend can move in when his lease is up.
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You have said yourself what the solution is; Move out3
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Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm going to do just that.5
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In addition to moving out, get a new phone number and don't give it to your parents.5
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I would cut her off completely. This is not normal parent-child drama. She is super toxic. I think that accusing you of cheating with your dad (how sick is that?) has got to be one of the ugliest accusations you could possibly make against your own child (and spouse.) And threatening scary stuff like calling the police on you if you don't cater to her whims? This is serious stuff - at least it is to me. She is manipulative and abusive. Move out NOW. But don't just move out, move on...without her in your life.
Don't subject your future family (her future grand-kids) to her toxic crap. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean you have to share a relationship. My husband cut his parents off over a decade ago (for abusive behavior) and has no regrets to this day. It was very freeing for him. You don't have to be mean about it - just be matter of fact - "it's not healthy for me to be around you" sort of a thing. No discussion, explanation or argument, just a statement, a set boundary, and then done.
Good luck.
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Move out as soon as possible. Find a local program that provides in home care and give that to her. And don't answer the phone when your at work, tell her it's new office policy if you have to. Go see her on your own time, when YOU want to. Otherwise she is going to suck the life out of you. She is seeking attention in any manner she can get it,
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CoffeeAndContour wrote: »Move as soon as you can. Cut all ties with your mother until she has sought out the help she clearly needs. Ask your boyfriend to help you pick a place for when his lease is up, he can move in with you. You can’t repair your relationship with your Mom until she fixes herself. It doesn’t matter who it is, that kind of toxicity doesn’t belong in anyone’s life. I wish you luck.
Great advice2 -
I would cut her off completely. This is not normal parent-child drama. She is super toxic. I think that accusing you of cheating with your dad (how sick is that?) has got to be one of the ugliest accusations you could possibly make against your own child (and spouse.) And threatening scary stuff like calling the police on you if you don't cater to her whims? This is serious stuff - at least it is to me. She is manipulative and abusive. Move out NOW. But don't just move out, move on...without her in your life.
Don't subject your future family (her future grand-kids) to her toxic crap. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean you have to share a relationship. My husband cut his parents off over a decade ago (for abusive behavior) and has no regrets to this day. It was very freeing for him. You don't have to be mean about it - just be matter of fact - "it's not healthy for me to be around you" sort of a thing. No discussion, explanation or argument, just a statement, a set boundary, and then done.
Good luck.
When I brought up how sick it was, all she said was that she was saying it just to see if I would run and tell my dad and that she didn't mean it.2 -
Yep, you need to get out of that toxic environment. Is your mother just a b!tch or does she have mental health issues? Sorry if I missed if this was answered.0
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Gotta go girl! You should not be part of this dysfunction equation! Its up to you now.
Its time to be out!!!1 -
huntersvonnegut wrote: »Yep, you need to get out of that toxic environment. Is your mother just a b!tch or does she have mental health issues? Sorry if I missed if this was answered.
Given what OPs mother has said to her there is a 99.9% chance they have mental health issues. You don't make those accusations if you have normal healthy relationships.6 -
Hello everyone,
I'm here because I really need to vent and get some advice. I'm also embarking on a weight loss journey. So, here goes...
For some background info...I'm 23 years old and I'm a nurse. I work night shift, 3 12 hour shifts per week, 7PM to 7AM. I still live with my parents, but I think it's beyond time to move out.
My mom has a lot of health problems, and doesn't seem to want to take care of herself. I am stuck picking up a lot of the slack and helping her more than I should, and I'm tired of it. Last night, she went to the hospital at 9 PM because she has been acting so out of it at times. They are discharging her because they found nothing wrong, but she is stuck there because it's currently 3 AM and I am at work and my dad is sleeping for work in the morning. I am at work right now and have to work again this evening. She calls me at work and tells me that I WILL come pick her up, or that she will kick me out. I explained to her that I can't come and pick her up and then run errands because I have to work tonight and it's my third night in a row. She kept threatening me and then accused my dad of cheating on her and me knowing about it/being the one he is cheating with. This woman accused me of having sex with my dad...what!? So I explained to her that her issues with my dad have nothing to do with me, and she can call a cab or someone else to come and get her since she wants to talk to me like that. She then threatened to walk home, said that if she got hit I would feel bad, and then called me names.
Have you ever dealt with someone like this? I mean, what the heck is wrong with her? This isn't the first time this has happened, she has threatened to call the cops on me before for little things. She expects everyone to drop everything for her when she says and if you don't you get threatened. I am beyond sick of it. I'm in a financial position to move out, but I have just been waiting until my boyfriend's lease is up so we can move in together.
Any words of advice?
Thanks!
Has she been tested for dementia or something along those lines?2 -
Yes, move out. You don't need that type of stress at home.0
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Well I would move out right away. I would tell your father what she said and recommend she get some help.
I would not allow her in my life.2 -
Hello everyone,
I'm here because I really need to vent and get some advice. I'm also embarking on a weight loss journey. So, here goes...
For some background info...I'm 23 years old and I'm a nurse. I work night shift, 3 12 hour shifts per week, 7PM to 7AM. I still live with my parents, but I think it's beyond time to move out.
My mom has a lot of health problems, and doesn't seem to want to take care of herself. I am stuck picking up a lot of the slack and helping her more than I should, and I'm tired of it. Last night, she went to the hospital at 9 PM because she has been acting so out of it at times. They are discharging her because they found nothing wrong, but she is stuck there because it's currently 3 AM and I am at work and my dad is sleeping for work in the morning. I am at work right now and have to work again this evening. She calls me at work and tells me that I WILL come pick her up, or that she will kick me out. I explained to her that I can't come and pick her up and then run errands because I have to work tonight and it's my third night in a row. She kept threatening me and then accused my dad of cheating on her and me knowing about it/being the one he is cheating with. This woman accused me of having sex with my dad...what!? So I explained to her that her issues with my dad have nothing to do with me, and she can call a cab or someone else to come and get her since she wants to talk to me like that. She then threatened to walk home, said that if she got hit I would feel bad, and then called me names.
Have you ever dealt with someone like this? I mean, what the heck is wrong with her? This isn't the first time this has happened, she has threatened to call the cops on me before for little things. She expects everyone to drop everything for her when she says and if you don't you get threatened. I am beyond sick of it. I'm in a financial position to move out, but I have just been waiting until my boyfriend's lease is up so we can move in together.
Any words of advice?
Thanks!
Has she been tested for dementia or something along those lines?
This was my question too. Has she always been like this, or is it a recent development?2 -
Perhaps she needs a mental health evaluation. I would think moving out is your best option0
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Agree with above. It sounds like she really is sick. How long has she been acting this way? Has she had a complete physical-- not emergency room visits. Does any kind of illness run in the family? Many illnesses are not diagnosed until the person has had them for years, but they affect the persons sense of well-being. I personally knew 2 people, one of whom was accused of being an alcoholic for many years, the other diagnosed by Doctors as a hypochondriac, who were both diagnosed with MS only months before their deaths. Both families were told they probably had it for years before they were diagnosed.0
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Perhaps she needs a mental health evaluation. I would think moving out is your best option
She has a psychiatrist and has been evaluated. She has a history of depression and anxiety, but that's it. I'm not sure if there's something else going on or if she's just a manipulative and nasty person.1 -
Perhaps she needs a mental health evaluation. I would think moving out is your best option
She has a psychiatrist and has been evaluated. She has a history of depression and anxiety, but that's it. I'm not sure if there's something else going on or if she's just a manipulative and nasty person.
I think you are right about her. Depression and anxiety don't make people do bad things and they aren't legitimate excuses for abusing others. She may have depression and anxiety, but it's something else about her that's driving the nastiness - she may just be a crappy person (who also happens to suffer from depression and anxiety.)
Not all bad behavior can be excused by mental illness. Mental illness can account for delusional or irrational behaviors, but most mental illness is treatable and people with mental illnesses are not bad people. Most don't harm others purposefully. That's why I hate it when some evil SOB (who isn't mentally ill, but simply a sociopath) does something really selfish and horrible (like abuse or violence, etc.) and people try to blame "mental illness." That puts a stigma on true sufferers of mental illness that isn't really fair and enables the perpetrator to keep being a jerk.
Cunning, deceitful, manipulative, selfish behaviors which are designed to control or harm others are often just the work of people with ugly personalities. There ARE bad, manipulative, toxic people. You can't fix personality defects, like sociopathy. I think people frequently confuse sociopaths (IMO evil) with the mentally ill (sick and in need of treatment). You can't fix them or change them. Sociopaths are best avoided, IMO.
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Oh! And the icing on the cake...I called the hospital she was at this morning when I got off work because I wanted to see if she was still there. She wasn't. We called all the hospitals in the area, called one of her friends we thought she might be with, my dad went to the hotels near the hospital she was at and we couldn't find her anywhere. She didn't have her phone with her or any of her medicines or anything. So when I got up to get ready for work tonight, I found one of her other friends' numbers in her phone and called them. My mom was with that friend the entire day, didn't bother to call us and let us know that she was at least okay. We had even called the sheriff's office for the county the hospital was in and they had deputies out looking for her. And she showed up at home right as I was leaving for work. She doesn't see anything wrong with anything she did and started the blame game as soon as she got back. Wtf.2
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Her excuse for not calling us is that she couldn't remember our phone numbers. Okay...but you could remember it at 1 am when you called me to start an argument. I don't believe that excuse for a second.0
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Perhaps she needs a mental health evaluation. I would think moving out is your best option
She has a psychiatrist and has been evaluated. She has a history of depression and anxiety, but that's it. I'm not sure if there's something else going on or if she's just a manipulative and nasty person.
I think you are right about her. Depression and anxiety don't make people do bad things and they aren't legitimate excuses for abusing others. She may have depression and anxiety, but it's something else about her that's driving the nastiness - she may just be a crappy person (who also happens to suffer from depression and anxiety.)
Not all bad behavior can be excused by mental illness. Mental illness can account for delusional or irrational behaviors, but most mental illness is treatable and people with mental illnesses are not bad people. Most don't harm others purposefully. That's why I hate it when some evil SOB (who isn't mentally ill, but simply a sociopath) does something really selfish and horrible (like abuse or violence, etc.) and people try to blame "mental illness." That puts a stigma on true sufferers of mental illness that isn't really fair and enables the perpetrator to keep being a jerk.
Cunning, deceitful, manipulative, selfish behaviors which are designed to control or harm others are often just the work of people with ugly personalities. There ARE bad, manipulative, toxic people. You can't fix personality defects, like sociopathy. I think people frequently confuse sociopaths (IMO evil) with the mentally ill (sick and in need of treatment). You can't fix them or change them. Sociopaths are best avoided, IMO.
I think she's just a nasty person.1 -
Avocado_Angel wrote: »Your mother made an accusation to your face that you went with your own dad ? How disrespectful is that ? You need to cut ties. Hopefully in time she will realise the error of her ways but until then I would create a lot of distance, for your own sanity.
It's extremely sick. And she sees nothing wrong with it, and her excuse for saying it was to see if I would go back and tell my dad. Just her trying to be pathetic and start drama because she has nothing better to do.0 -
She apologized to me this morning and is currently calling me a primadonna who does nothing wrong. She literally sees nothing wrong with anything she did. I am done.1
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