Trying to live sans alcohol
skinnygirly23
Posts: 51 Member
I'm an alcoholic in recovery. Not sure if this the the right forum for this discussion. I've battled alcohol addiction for about 7 years, with multiple relapses. Currently I am in a relationship that is and has made my struggle more difficult. The reality that many people drink makes it difficult for me to judge, along with my own difficulties which make it also difficult to judge. On some levels being with someone who drinks ( in my perception on a self destructive level) is making me question whether this relationship is something I should continue. It's hard for me to give up on this person again because of my own struggles, in the past not wanting someone to give up on me. I am seeking advice, maybe someone is or has been in a similar situation. Do I end it? Scared the destructive behavior will get worse for him. But at the same time it is making me feel like I am living in an addict lifestyle. If anyone struggling currently from addiction or loves someone struggling can shed some light I would appreciate any wisdom.
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Replies
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I am not 100% sure of what you are saying, is he an addict as well?
Either way my heart says get out of the relationship. It's like on an airplane, you have to put on your own gas mask before saving someone else. You can't save someone before you save yourself. If he cares about you maybe that would even motivate him to get into recovery himself, but you can't let him drag you down that road again.
I am not an addict, but I have struggled with eating disorders which are actually very similar. I have had to let go of some friends in the recoveryprocess for the reasons I described above.8 -
It hurts like hell, and it might make you feel like you are an awful person in the beginning, but it is for the best for both of you
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That’s a tough one. You don’t need the burden, quitting alcohol is hard enough. I would walk away.
I left my husband because his alcoholism was severe. I never regretted it. He never quit his drinking and died at an early age.
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I've sent you a PM...0
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If you don't end it, at least draw a line in the sand. That may end it anyway, but an ultimatum would at least force the other person to decide what is most important. BTW, day 286 for me, third attempt (hopefully, third time is the charm).8
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It is difficult to find someone who doesn't drink at all so I forgave it and saw it as my own personal struggle.
Latley, he has been displaying aggressive behavior when drinking and it makes me remember my own behaviors when intoxicated.
This person does struggle with addiction, but was never an alcoholic (according to his own definition). Something has gotta give though or I'll be living the lifestyle I so wanted to leave behind.1 -
CarvedTones wrote: »If you don't end it, at least draw a line in the sand. That may end it anyway, but an ultimatum would at least force the other person to decide what is most important. BTW, day 286 for me, third attempt (hopefully, third time is the charm).
That's awesome! Almost a year! Keep up the good work. Guess I'm still having a problem with creating boundaries.
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Congratulations on taking these steps to improve your life. I'm guessing you have joined an AA or NA support group. If not, I highly reccomend it. They don't just offer support to the actual addict, they also have groups specifically for family members to get the advice and support THEY need, whether the other person has decided to go into recovery or not.2
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Congratulations on taking these steps to improve your life. I'm guessing you have joined an AA or NA support group. If not, I highly reccomend it. They don't just offer support to the actual addict, they also have groups specifically for family members to get the advice and support THEY need, whether the other person has decided to go into recovery or not.
I was involved and do believe in these support groups. When I did go back he wouldn't go and was jealous of me being in there around the opposite sex. I need to get back into it, it did help me a lot. Time to put myself first, this addition is real and I cant take it lightly or I will be back to where I were before.4 -
skinnygirly23 wrote: »Congratulations on taking these steps to improve your life. I'm guessing you have joined an AA or NA support group. If not, I highly reccomend it. They don't just offer support to the actual addict, they also have groups specifically for family members to get the advice and support THEY need, whether the other person has decided to go into recovery or not.
I was involved and do believe in these support groups. When I did go back he wouldn't go and was jealous of me being in there around the opposite sex. I need to get back into it, it did help me a lot. Time to put myself first, this addition is real and I cant take it lightly or I will be back to where I were before.
***A HUGE RED FLAG***
In your heart, you know the answer - get out now!18 -
Speaking as someone who for too many years was an enabler for drug/alcohol addicted family members, I'm urging you to let the relationship go. As long as you are there, there's no motivation for your SO to address their addiction, and as you've realized already, the potential for abusive behavior is growing.
If you feel that the only obstacle in the relationship is the alcohol, you can leave the door open for another try in the future on the condition that your SO become sober and stay that way for a specified period of time (and I would make that at least a year). If the relationship is important enough to them, they will follow through. Sadly, most of the time they will just gravitate toward another enabler once they realize you're serious about your intentions, and that hurts, but saving your own life needs to be your primary focus.
Do go back to your support group. So many people have been where you're at now, and have come out the other end stronger and happier. Lean on these people - perhaps in the future you'll be the one supporting others. Hugs.6 -
You have every right to put your health and happiness first to make sure you stay sober. If that means setting a standard where you prefer a mate who doesn't drink, you should do that. Perhaps you should discuss this with a group at an AA meeting or with a counselor and get some good sound advice.4
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skinnygirly23 wrote: »It is difficult to find someone who doesn't drink at all so I forgave it and saw it as my own personal struggle.
Latley, he has been displaying aggressive behavior when drinking and it makes me remember my own behaviors when intoxicated.
This person does struggle with addiction, but was never an alcoholic (according to his own definition). Something has gotta give though or I'll be living the lifestyle I so wanted to leave behind.
Ha. Reminds me of an ex who claimed his brother, who drank everyday, had a problem, but he did not, as he only drank on Sundays. Well, he might have only (mostly) gotten black out drunk on Sundays, but he also drank on Saturday night, and every time he went to a concert (which was a lot), etc.
Previously to that, when I stopped drinking heavily and my ex husband did not, the marriage did not survive that. A lot of our social life was built around other heavy drinkers, and once I quit I was no longer interested in the same circle. Also, I could no longer sleep through his snoring and moved into another bedroom, and the distance just kept growing.
The man I'm with now is a very very moderate drinker and I don't think that in the in 5 years we've been together I've ever seen him drunk.3 -
There's no difference between drug abuse and alcohol abuse. Someone who has a drug addiction has no business drinking alcohol. Sure, it's probably difficult to find a partner who NEVER drinks, but people who don't ABUSE alcohol or drugs aren't uncommon. The question is whether you're far enough along in your recovery to have a partner who drinks at all. No question, though, that your SO is an alcohol abuser. I don't see how he's good for your health at all. Take the best care of yourself. Hugs.1
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I've been sober 15 years, and I would still never jeopardize my sobriety by letting alcohol in my house. I really feel that you're playing with fire and would encourage you to help your partner get sober. Remember that YOU are worth it. If he can't choose you over the alcohol, is he really worth it? Please keep yourself safe. I will pray for a good outcome for you both.5
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skinnygirly23 wrote: »Congratulations on taking these steps to improve your life. I'm guessing you have joined an AA or NA support group. If not, I highly reccomend it. They don't just offer support to the actual addict, they also have groups specifically for family members to get the advice and support THEY need, whether the other person has decided to go into recovery or not.
I was involved and do believe in these support groups. When I did go back he wouldn't go and was jealous of me being in there around the opposite sex. I need to get back into it, it did help me a lot. Time to put myself first, this addition is real and I cant take it lightly or I will be back to where I were before.
He has already used controlling behavior (exhibiting jealousy) to get you to stop doing something that was good for you and your own recovery. This is not a healthy relationship for you.8 -
This person does struggle with addiction, but was never an alcoholic (according to his own definition).
IME there are many alcoholics who are not alcoholics according to their own definitions.
OP to me it would depend on the level of alcohol drinking of your partner and his attitude.
If he were a moderate drinker, like many people are, I would not end the relationship on that alone.
But i would expect him to make some compromises for me - eg not have alcohol in the house ,not drink when you are together etc.
and definitely not impede you going to support meetings because there are people of opposite sex there - that in itself would be the big red flag for me - a partner who was jealous and controlling of me doing anything like that, especially something so important to me - no way!5 -
skinnygirly23 wrote: »It is difficult to find someone who doesn't drink at all so I forgave it and saw it as my own personal struggle.
Latley, he has been displaying aggressive behavior when drinking and it makes me remember my own behaviors when intoxicated.
This person does struggle with addiction, but was never an alcoholic (according to his own definition). Something has gotta give though or I'll be living the lifestyle I so wanted to leave behind.
Big honking red flag there. Love yourself and commit to being safe - in your own recovery, and in your relationships.4 -
As others have said, the jealousy/controlling behavior is a no go and it sounds like you aren’t happy and can do better. Life is too short to waste time with the wrong partner. Find someone else or be happy single for a while. It’s fine to support the person as a friend, but there needs to be a high bar to qualify someone to be a life partner. Trust me, being with someone who has their stuff together makes life so much easier and drama free! Best of luck! Trust your instincts.2
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The answer is so simple, but probably not what you want to hear. Take care of you. Don't drink. Go to meetings.2
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That's a difficult place to be in. Lots of good responses here. I've been friends with a few people who have gone through recovery successfully and I know it's a hard road, but a well chosen one - their support circle has mattered. I realize from what they've said it's always going to be a struggle, but they are flourishing in life. They turned to me because I don't like much about alcohol or drinking (I have a slight allergy to all alcohol, it's uncomfortable!) and I don't really like bars, either. We've all got our lines to draw. If you're in a close relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable like this, or you feel harm could come to you, remind yourself you're the only one who can control you and your actions, your choices. If you end it now, the pressure is gone and you can still have a support circle elsewhere that won't give up on you. Might hurt for a while, depending on how long you've been together, which I think is a good reason to lean on your support circle even more so, but if you stay, it could get drawn out. There are people out there that don't drink, like myself. I don't feel like it's something to brag about, it's just a personal preference - my friends *do* have drinks here and there. I prefer a partner that doesn't really indulge on a weekly basis, either, and I also know that's hard to find, I just remind myself of the personal line I've drawn for myself (in romantic relationships) and I think that just comes down to knowing myself and what I can and can't deal with in another person. I do wish you the best in your recovery and your future relationships!1
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You are not alone. I'm 47 days sober and I know the commitment it takes to pull yourself out. Don't forget, misery loves company. He wants you there to suffer with him. You've made the choice to live your life, don't give that up for anyone.3
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I don’t even know if his drinking is the main problem here. You speak of aggressive behavior and jealousy. Even if he stopped drinking today, those are both serious issues. That alone would be reason enough to move on in my book.
I’ll be sober for 4 years in July. My husband of 38 years was a drinker, but I’d never call him an alcoholic, and we had a social circle of friends that we traveled and went out to dinner & events with that were drinkers. When I decided to quit drinking he did EVERYTHING to be supportive. He got all the alcohol out of the house. He started refusing invitations from our group of friends ( those relationships dwindled) and he stopped drinking, even though I never asked him to and even told him I didn’t think it was fair to him.
I quit without any AA or medications, but would have done both of them if I felt it was necessary for me. I think a big factor in me being able to stop was his unwavering support.
I seriously don’t think I would still be sober if I was in a relationship with someone who continues to drink more than super occasionally.
I think you have to put yourself first in this situation.
While there are times I miss drinking, I have a list of memories and negative events, that were a result of me drinking. I remind myself of those things when the wine commercial on TV gets to me.
You can do this.
Put yourself first.
Hugs, and best wishes for your future.2
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