Having a skinny mom/sister/best friend...and dealing with those emotions

popsicles876
popsicles876 Posts: 1 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I just feel defeated. I’ve been dieting since I was 12 but my mom and sister have always been thin. I don’t know what went wrong for me. My sister and I did the same sports and ate the same meals growing up but somehow I ended up fat and she didn’t. I must’ve eaten more obviously, but I wonder why nobody stopped me. I visually saw my sister being smaller than me, but it wasn’t until I was in 6th grade where I noticed she could wear trendier clothes, people would start talking to her before they’d start talking to me, etc. she’s 1 year older than me so competition was constant. Well is constant. High school was bad. I ate more to deal with feeling inadequate and dealt with remarks about being the fat sister or the ugly one. I became anti social despite going to the same school. My mom is also skinny. Growing up I dealt with my mom even being more desirable than me. And you know what? I still want to eat my feelings away. You’d think it’d motivate me but even after a great workout, seeing my mom or sister makes me want to binge. I don’t know. I just feel like an outcast within my own family.

I just needed to get that out. Anyone else deal with these feelings?
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Replies

  • MelodyMomof2
    MelodyMomof2 Posts: 45 Member
    I would definitely consider therapy. I think it would help you. When I was younger I was always paranoid that people were judging me for this or that. Now that I am older, and more confident I realize that mainly it was me judging myself.
  • Marilyn0924
    Marilyn0924 Posts: 797 Member
    OP, I understand your pain and frustration, and instead of focusing on the things you can't control, i.e. genetics, focus instead on the things you can do. Get therapy to help sort out the feelings, do things that make you feel good about yourself or just make you feel good.

    I've seen this posted here and there over the years, and yes, perhaps a bit hokey, but a great quote...

    "Comparison is the thief of joy"

  • jefamer2017
    jefamer2017 Posts: 416 Member
    popsicles876 wrote: »
    I just feel defeated. I’ve been dieting since I was 12 but my mom and sister have always been thin. I don’t know what went wrong for me. My sister and I did the same sports and ate the same meals growing up but somehow I ended up fat and she didn’t. I must’ve eaten more obviously, but I wonder why nobody stopped me. I visually saw my sister being smaller than me, but it wasn’t until I was in 6th grade where I noticed she could wear trendier clothes, people would start talking to her before they’d start talking to me, etc. she’s 1 year older than me so competition was constant. Well is constant. High school was bad. I ate more to deal with feeling inadequate and dealt with remarks about being the fat sister or the ugly one. I became anti social despite going to the same school. My mom is also skinny. Growing up I dealt with my mom even being more desirable than me. And you know what? I still want to eat my feelings away. You’d think it’d motivate me but even after a great workout, seeing my mom or sister makes me want to binge. I don’t know. I just feel like an outcast within my own family.

    I just needed to get that out. Anyone else deal with these feelings?

    Been there done that. My sister and her friends once were taunting me and calling me miss piggy in front of the entire school. It was humiliating. She always had the boyfriends and the friends. I did emotionally eat for a long time and still do. However, if one of my sisters are thin I don't worry about it anymore. For me I just quit caring about anyone else's size.
  • KcRavassa
    KcRavassa Posts: 45 Member
    That was me! My mom and sister are both naturally thin and I've had to constantly watch what I eat or else I gain weight. My best friend was also thin and very attractive. Same boat, dieting since I was young. However, life changes. I realized over the years it doesn't matter. I found things I enjoyed and did them (for me it was rock climbing, hiking and lifting). I grew stronger. Now, I'm the strong sister and she now looks to me for fitness advice and wishes to be able to do the things I can do. I also became the "skinny" one of my friend group as well.

    I guess all these years of being forced to pay attention to what I ate also made me less likely to gain weight after high school like so many of my peers because I never had the freedom to eat whatever I wanted. As they say, life is a marathon not a sprint. You do you and don't worry about what others are doing. Do things that you enjoy, find activities that make you happy and you will be. Comparing yourself to others doesn't really help you in the long run. Just focus on being the best version of you.

    Good luck out there!
  • SteamPug
    SteamPug Posts: 262 Member
    You said you feel like an outcast - to this I strongly recommend some counselling or therapy. If your family are deliberately ostracising you then that’s one thing, but consider that your feelings of being inferior may actually cause a strain on those relationships itself - for all parties involved, not just you.
    If you’ve always been jealous of them then it’s bound to have created tension between you guys, and I bet they’ve noticed this as well as you. Get some help, don’t let these feelings destroy your relationship with your family. Don’t let your insecurities turn into dislike or even hate for family members that aren’t necessarily to blame for how you feel. Better yet, tell them how you feel, if they’ve been noticing tension too then I bet they’ll be relieved at your honesty, and maybe they can support you if you do decide to go on a weight loss journey.

    - don’t just diet as an ‘f’ you to them, talk to them about how you feel and work on your mindset first. Do this for the right reasons and do it because you care about yourself. Honestly, if you want this to be a move for the long term I think you need to work on your self beliefs before you tackle anything physical.
  • saragd012
    saragd012 Posts: 693 Member
    This makes me so sad. It would break my heart to know that my friends and family members were being negatively impacted by me in any way. Have they made negative comments about you that led you to feel this way, or was it other peoples comments and your own insecurities? I'm so sorry you have gone through this for so long, please do consider talking to a professional, I'm sure you are no less important or special to your family regardless of weight.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    I did not become overweight until I was an adult. My sister has never been overweight and is kind of underweight.
    My mom was overweight. Growing up my sister and I were often the same size even though I was 3 years younger. I never felt compared to my sister in terms of appearance by my parents.
    I think my sister got much prettier than me in high school and college. My brother was also more attractive. I felt like the awkward ugly one next to them even if no one said anything.
    My sister had a health condition as a child and I did not. I have always been healthier and treated as sturdier than my sister physically and emotionally though. It kind of bothered me that people tried to protect her more. She didn't ask for that.
    No one in my family put me down.
    My sister is not healthier or happier than me just because she is thin. I have had a better life in many ways. She has aged a lot more than me in appearance.
    My mother is dead. I may outlive my father and siblings as well. I guess my feelings are that we each have our own issues to deal with in life. I love her and want her to have a good life.

    I got fat because I ate too many calories for my activity level. I am changing that because I want to be at my best for me.

    If this is a deep issue for you then talking to a professional councellor/therapist may be very helpful for you.
  • jennydelgado09
    jennydelgado09 Posts: 119 Member
    I'm 4'11 and my sister is probably 5'0. I'm 145lbs and on her heaviest days she's 100lbs. My heaviest was 180lbs. My mom was also very thin all her life. My brothers also have been thin. I was always the fat one in my family and growing up it sucked. I got mean comments from my brothers. I was compared to my sister.
    My sister eats whatever she wants. She'll eat chocolate frosting straight from the tub. She never gains.

    But you know what? She wishes she could gain weight. And she has tried to gain weight and she just can't. So i use to be jealous of her until finding that out. Now we joke that we'll trade bodies.

    I think it would also help if you find something you love to do that's yours. I might not be as skinny as my mom or sister but I can definitely lift more weight than them.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I agree about therapy being a great idea if it is feasible for you. Then again, I feel therapy can be helpful for just about everyone (if it's the right fit).

    I've sorta been through this and sorta not. I grew up with a mom who was considered "beautiful" and even "hot" and everyone went on and on about her. It was the 80s & she looked like a young Susan Lucci/Andie MacDowell, with a tiny waist and perfect hair & makeup and clothes. People didn't know what to think of her super chubby, very nerdy & average-looking faced daughter. She had kind of a Kim Kardashian figure and dieted constantly, so it wasn't like she was effortlessly slim. But early on I just didn't even think of myself as the same kind of creature. She always told me I was pretty and stuff...but yeah, I felt like there was no possibility to compete with my mom. So I sorta get that.

    I do not have siblings. When my dad married my stepmom (who is thin), I was 13 and already very adult-sized at 5'7" and easily 165 lb. My stepsister was 21 and a size 0-2 (almost same height as me). Honestly I never compared myself to either of them. Partly because we weren't biologically related. But also because I just didn't even view them as competition. They were skinny, I was big, and a few years later I was MUCH bigger (well over 200 lb) and still it didn't really even bug me that much, I was more concerned with other things in life like music, books, friends, and definitely boys (dated a lot & though not promiscuous I was a little wild, nothing like my stepsister in any way).

    Looking back, I'm really glad I didn't allow the weight comparisons to get to me. I feel like that was a lucky thing and maybe a self-defense mechanism.

    Sorry I didn't offer much advice just wanted to share a slightly similar yet very different type of experience in being the heavy sister/daughter figure. I wish you the best.

  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    My one sister is slim but she is 17 and runs cross country and track. Of course she will be slim. But, I love her and am not in competition with her. For me, the challenge has been the men I date. I love skinny guys. Every guy I have dated has been around 150-170 lbs and 6,0"-6'2". They are the type of guys that eat half a dozen donuts for breakfast, no vegetables, soda all day, and fast food for dinner. It is a challenge trying to maintain a healthy diet and manage temptation with a partner who wants junk food all the time.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    I was the skinny one in a fat family growing up. Then I had a leg injury, became sedentary, and got fat. And now I'm skinny again.

    OP, I don't know if this will help with your feelings, although maybe it might, but it might give you some useful information going forward if you could get your sister to work with you. See if you can get her to log on MFP - activity and food both - while you do the same. Then maybe you could compare and get an idea of what's up with her "natural" skinniness. Anyway it could be interesting!

    Regardless of weight it sucks having someone else in the family be "the pretty one." Those old hurts die hard! Therapy if it helps, but what helped me overcome my childhood hurts was finally finding a group of friends who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and living life large for a while. I hope you find your happiness.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    smolmaus wrote: »
    popsicles876 wrote: »
    My mom is also skinny. Growing up I dealt with my mom even being more desirable than me.

    I can understand on some level seeing your sister as competition, but seeing your mum as a rival in terms of sexual attractiveness? Nah. That needs some therapy.

    It depends on the mum. My own mother had this issue growing up - she was a fat child and her mother was a model and actress. She always felt that her mother regretted having a not pretty child.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    nettiklive wrote: »
    jennydelgado09 wrote: »
    I'm 4'11 and my sister is probably 5'0. I'm 145lbs and on her heaviest days she's 100lbs. My heaviest was 180lbs. My mom was also very thin all her life. My brothers also have been thin. I was always the fat one in my family and growing up it sucked. I got mean comments from my brothers. I was compared to my sister.
    My sister eats whatever she wants. She'll eat chocolate frosting straight from the tub. She never gains.

    But you know what? She wishes she could gain weight. And she has tried to gain weight and she just can't. So i use to be jealous of her until finding that out. Now we joke that we'll trade bodies.

    I think it would also help if you find something you love to do that's yours. I might not be as skinny as my mom or sister but I can definitely lift more weight than them.

    It's funny how it's so common to see people like this, yet this forum seems convinced they are unicorns and don't exist :|

    OH man I agree so much. Everyone's like "You don't see them 24/7 and they're probably super active and don't eat frequently". But I think they exist. I've known plenty of people who never exercise, eat HUGE amounts of food that is primarily "junk food", and stay very thin their whole lives or at least until a certain age.

    My dd was underweight by 20 lbs. I was around her every day and would have sworn by the food she devoured that she was eating all the time... until we saw a doctor and kept a food diary. We had to increase the calories she consumed by quite a bit to get her gaining weight.
    People are bad at judging how much they and others are eating just by looking. People underestimate or overestimate activity often.

    I'm sure this is true, maybe even 95% of the time or some crazy amount like that. But I have really seen some teenagers especially who are almost totally sedentary and put away a medium pizza for both lunch and dinner as well as candy and soda, and are very skinny. Maybe it's a freakishly small number of people who are like that. I don't know. Could be totally wrong. I will say almost everyone I have known like that who is my age now (41) has put on at least some weight when they got older, even if they are still thin people.

    I would have said I was like that as a teen - I hated sports and I ate just crazy stuff, like whole boxes of Oreos dipped in a whole package of frozen whip cream at a time, and I was underweight. But looking back I realize I was constantly active. I could dance at a party literally for five hours straight without breathing hard, which would kill me today.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
    My mother used to model, and so did one of my sisters. I was the fat one. My mother was on my case to lose weight since I was 10. I resented it. All of it. That the could all eat what they wanted and not lose weight. All I ever wanted to do was eat. The thing was, they never ate as much as I wanted to eat. They’d have a handful of pretzels, and would be fine. I wanted the whole bag.

    My mother even told me “wonderful things” like “nice boys don’t like fat girls”, and that I’d never find a husband who was worthwhile if I was fat - among other things.

    Yes I understand what you mean. I felt like they should be flogged for doing things that were not helpful for me in losing weight. Fact is - they didn’t shove the food in my face - I did. I turned to food because I didn’t know what else to do or how else to deal with what I was going through. Food didn’t judge, it didn’t talk back, it didn’t talk at all therefore it couldn’t say mean things to me.

    I’ve “restarted my journey” a few days ago. I ring ally started in April 2011, and one of the first things they did was set me up with a therapist to help me deal with my food issues and with my family issues. I’m not sure that I entirely see the benefit...that he’s helping....BUT EVERYBODY I know tells me that seeing him as helped me a lot. He actually had the gastric bypass surgery and has lost a couple hundred pounds too - so he knows what I’m going through.

    Further, he’s a “third party” - he wasn’t self picked by my mother - the size-1 civilian all her life. He was suggested by a therapist the bariatric practice hired to help bariatric patients deal with weight loss issues. He’s the only thing besides MFP that’s survived the last 7 years.

    So - anyway - my suggestion would be to go see a therapist. It would help lOTS!!

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