Work and other things keep getting in the way whenever my wife and I try to diet

jrox8800

Hi all!

Let me just preface this by saying that my wife and I both know fitness. We've been regulars at a gym that we still have a membership at and we both played volleyball in college. We even ran a marathon together the summer after graduation.

The things is, it feels like work got in the way of all that. I'm an accountant and she's a registered nurse.

It's always someone's birthday in my office and my team is really big on happy hour for whatever reason. So after 5 years of that, I'm up more than 60 lbs (more than 12 lbs a year). Over time I've ended up buying bigger suits to fit, and now with a full wardrobe I'm a legit "fat guy".

My wife on the other hand seems to have it even harder. From what she tells me about the culture at her hospital, tons of junk food is brought in daily and the staff are encouraged to pig out. There's also actual peer pressure to fit in (eg. one of my wife's coworkers apparently called her a tryhard for wearing running shoes to work until she started wearing birkenstock clogs). And at the same time as me, she went from medium scrubs to xxl's.

Anyway, over time we both started noticing things. For one, neither of us ever wear anything other than our work clothes out at this point. And then there are things like getting looks walking through the grocery store if our cart seems too full. Or a condescending mom at a girl scouts's table when my wife and I stop to buy cookies.

We've talked about this and we share the same issue. We both used to feel like "ourselves" whatever that can mean, but now I just feel like a fat accountant and she just feels like a fat nurse. And while "we" enjoyed plenty of hobbies and pastimes, what else would a fat accountant and a fat nurse want to do besides sit back and pig out?

Neither of us would have called ourselves "carboholics" 5 or 6 years back (neither of us previously dealt with the issue of feeling withdrawl-ish symptoms craving certain foods), but we've tried dieting a few times now and we're basically tied for the amount of times one of us has caught the other secretly cramming down a chocolate bar over the garbage can.

Don't get me wrong, we both want to lose weight, but neither of us feels like the people we used to be.

NoLimitFemme

So do it together. You will both have the perfect support partner in each other. A bite or two of the junk food won't hurt if you're watching your calories the rest of the day. You can have anything in moderation. Be more active together, stay busy with fun physical activities. Challenge each other.

cmriverside

There seems to be quite a lot of "trying to fit in" in your post.

As far as work food and happy hour? Can you both try to eat only what you bring in yourselves? If I had cake or beer every time it was someone's birthday or happy hour, I'd be huge too. There has to be restraint in life.

I think if you are letting other peoples' unfiltered comments affect you then this is partly about self esteem...which I found was in the toilet when I was obese, so I get it.

Start eating only food you bring in. Say that to people and watch how they will try to get you to eat. It's a pretty interesting social experiment, learning to say, "No," in a polite way and meaning it. Don't take the bait, "I saw the cookies, thanks! I'm gonna pass."

Stay your course.

quiksylver296

What are some small changes you can make? Can the two of you commit to a 20 minute walk together every day? Start with something like that. Once that becomes a habit, then make another small change - maybe only one soda per day, or something. Once that becomes a habit, make another small change. See where I'm going with this?

You don't have to overhaul your entire life today. You didn't end up where you are overnight, and honestly, you won't crawl out of it overnight, either.

NovusDies

At my heaviest and my lowest, diet or no diet, I don't think I have had more than a bite of cake in 15 years. Co-workers, family, weddings, 50th anniversaries, don't care. If I damper your little celebration but not joining in that is on you. If you feel bad because "you" should not be eating it either that is on you too. I don't like cake well enough to take in the calories.

Now obviously I wish I had been that stern about other things but I am the boss of what goes in my mouth and absolutely no one (as long as I don't have a medical reason) is going to influence me.

jgnatca

I don’t like those office environments. Who puts pressure to be less than you can be? I think you two need some defensive boundaries for all that and maybe you can depend on each other to be your best cheerleaders.

I love it that my hubby lets me carry a book anywhere. Like you two we both care about fitness in our own ways, and celebrate good meal choices.

Maybe have a bite of office cake here or there but bring it in to reason. Maybe switch to soda water after the first beer, and blame it on a “medical condition.”

concordancia

You both need to learn to set priorities and stand up for yourselves. Start at home. Make a commitment to avoid secret eating and to log everything. Once you are in the habit of logging, it will become easier and easier to make decent choices.

You are both in professions that are notorious for being all up in your colleagues' business. Do not try to justify your choices. Just say no thank you. The more you try to justify your choices, the more they will cajole you into confirming to their choices.

If you like cake, learn to take the cake, have a bite or two and put it down, as long as you can otherwise make it fit in your plan.

try2again

jrox8800 wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, we both want to lose weight, but neither of us feels like the people we used to be.

No one is really the person he/she used to be. We just have to decide who we want to be going forward. Negatively comparisons with the younger versions of yourselves isn't really helpful, IMO.

laur357

You're both in professions where you have to be organized and manage time to be successful. Take those skills and apply them to weight loss while you start building some new habits.

Tracking calories is like staying on a budget. Figure out a reasonable budget, and make food choices based on your budget. You don't have to cut out foods (or carbs - unless you want to), but you might find that both happy hour and two birthday cakes at work have you running in the red for the week. Pick one or two treats, fit them in your budget, and focus on the socializing part without the food when it doesn't fit. And pay attention to how your body feels - do certain foods keep you full and give you energy or make you feel sluggish and give you heartburn?

For your wife, she's in a stressful profession. Maybe prepping and packing lunch and snacks - including some treats like a few individually wrapped fun-sized candy bars - will take out the stress of trying to make solid food choices while alarms are going off, unstable patients are trying to get out of bed, and she's tracking 15 patientss medication timing. She's probably active enough that she doesn't need to worry about adding in much additional exercise at this point (lifting patients, walking the halls all day, etc.), but may want to join you in some active activities outside of work.

I would also suggest that you two get non-work clothes that fit properly and you feel good in. You aren't bad or unworthy people because you gained some weight, and shouldn't feel sloppy when you go out in public! Making an effort with your appearance can be motivating as you move forward with your weight loss. (and having pants that button instead of scrubs can quickly let you know if you're moving in the wrong direction!)

Crafty_camper123

I work in an office where there is free food constantly. My usual go to when someone says "There's cookies in the break room" is "Oh, I just ate. Thanks for letting me know! I know where I'll go if I get hungry later!" Since I bring my own food a lot, it's usually true. But I have been known to use it as a little white lie now and then. "I'm full" seems to go over way better then " I can't have cookies today". No one questions it. A simple "Oh no thanks, not today." usually seems to work as well. If they push you, just put your foot down and remain firm (but polite, of course). "No really, I'm just not feeling it for cake right now. Maybe later, but now right now." You and your wive's coworkers will eventually get used to it.

Also, as mentioned above, log EVERYTHING. Even the hastily eaten candy bar you ate. It'll help hold you accountable, and know where you're at. It also helps you see a pattern over time of your eating habits. When you track everything, you can even make note of how you are feeling at that particular moment, or at the end of the day or whatever. You can then assess why you might have snuck that candy bar. Not enough calories earlier in the week? Missing a macro like protein and fiber and so felt hungry? Frustrated? Bored? Anxious? Then, you can figure out what to do to prevent sneak eating in the future.

Agree with your wife to help hold each other accountable. Since she's in the same boat, you each have a great tool at your disposal. You're in it together. You can either be each other's advocates, or each other's enablers. Make it a point to try not to enable each other.

rundgrenrocks

If you both really want this, you will be unstoppable! MFP is a great tool for people who like data like you two. People will leave you alone about your choices once they realize you are serious. Walking together would be a great habit for you to get into for a million reasons. Good luck!

kimny72

OP, I hope you don't mind a little tough love, but a grown adult saying peer pressure is the reason they are overweight just doesn't cut it! I'll pull out the parental cliché - If all your coworkers encouraged you to jump off a cliff, would you do it???

Seriously though, as someone upthread suggested, I have always found occasionally having a little bit of whatever food was brought in and throwing out the rest, and then using the "I'm so full right now" or "I just ate, I'll see if any's left later" the rest of the time to work just fine. You don't need to tell anyone you are dieting, and honestly it's much easier when you don't. There's always that one busybody who has to make comments. But sticking to my plan means that while I used to hear "Oh, are you trying to lose weight" to "Oh, I guess that's how you can stay so skinny!". Both are said with a little attitude and honestly I. Could. Not. Care. Less.

Part of the journey many of us have been on is taking responsibility for our health and our choices. Gathering up the confidence to decide that you are going to be what you want to be. There are a lot of things in life we can't control. But what you eat and how much you move is 100% in your control. You aren't going to get fired if you don't overeat office food every day. No one is forcing you to eat 100s of extra calories at work, you are choosing to. And maybe both of you can end up setting an example for your co-workers and changing or at least muting an office culture that is damaging all of them.

Log your food. You don't need to cut out treats, just log them and see if there are ways to fit them in your calorie goal. Find ways to participate and allow for small indulgences but still stay on plan at work. Don't over-restrict your diet to the point that you have no willpower left to avoid a blow-out with work food. Find small ways to be more active. And realize that whatever scorn or embarrassment or whatever reaction you and your wife imagine will result from you standing your ground is most likely exactly that - your imagination. Your co-workers lives don't revolve around you. They may make a comment or push you a little, but then they will just go back to doing their job and living their life. And you will slowly but surely lose weight and feel better and get back to doing fun things.

Please don't let other people make such important choices for you, and good luck!

Lounmoun

Everyone has challenges.

Remember: You are an adult. You decide what goes in your body. You decide to stick to your goals. You can say no or tell people to leave you alone if someone hassles you over your choices of food or footwear. You don't have to do what other people are doing.

Set realistic, reasonable goal like losing 1 lb a week. Make small livable changes over time like adding more vegetables or protein to your diet. Plan meals. Pack food. Bring low calorie snacks. Bring fruit or a veggie tray to share. Drink low calorie or no calorie drinks. Log everything as best you can. You don't have to be perfect every day. You do have to consistantly have a deficit to lose weight over time.
Learn to take small portions of high calorie stuff or say no repeatedly. People will get it if you stick to it.
Increase your activity if you want to eat more.
If you are an emotional eater, stress eater, boredom eater then work on new tools to deal with that. Don't shame each other over eating a chocolate bar. Figure out why you were doing it and deal with it.

You said you used to have hobbies but don't now. Maybe starting a new hobby or reviving a past hobby would be great. Sounds like in the past you both liked doing sports. Maybe you are a little competitive? There are challenges you can join or work toward doing races. You could start walking/running, biking, whatever.
Maybe setting fitness goals or signing up for a class together could be fun and motivating.

Just want to add that it is very powerful to say to yourself and others I want this and to be enthusiastic about what you are doing. If you act like a diet is hard or giving up fun stuff instead of enjoying the foods you are eating or the activity then it will be harder to stick to.

WinoGelato

You've gotten great, positive, constructive advice above about how to get motivated to take action and stick with a plan. I'm just going to drop a quote here that someone said on one of these "woe is me, life is so hard, I'm too busy to lose weight" threads a long time ago.

Losing weight is hard.
Being fat is hard.
Choose your hard.

This site is filled with busy adults who deal with full time jobs, school, marriages, children, physical ailments, chronic illness, aging parents, emotional stress, and varying lifestyle choices who have found a way to lose weight, improve their health, and stick with a plan.

Start by reading the stickied most helpful forum posts at the top of the getting started threads. Set a reasonable weight loss goal, get an appropriate calorie target, start logging your food, and just commit to doing that for 1 month. After a month, add in another change - start an active hobby or take a cooking class or something like that. Continue to build one healthy habit (individual or common with your spouse) every month and a year from now, you'll be living a completely different life, and likely at a lower weight.