"But you look so fat"

netitheyeti

Eating lunch with grandma, having a casual conversation about diet and exercise:

me: anyway, I've managed to lose some weight this year and I'm only about 1kg overweight for my height, going by my weight this week
grandma: what? but you look so fat

Well. I know I'm not at my goal weight yet but ouch?
I said that I was literally about 1kg over what's usually considered the "normal" weight range and that I was aiming to lose a few more because I *really* don't carry weight well so I feel best around a BMI of 21-22 rather than the high end of it... but it just sounded like the weight I've lost past 4-5 months (roughly 9-10kg) is invisible to other people
I know I'm still chubby but I felt like I was making visible progress
How do you even respond to something like this without being rude or feeling really discouraged?

iWishMyNameWasRebel

Yeah, elderly ladies tend to think people are fatter than they really are. Or at least a lot of the ones I've run across. Plus they have no filter, and that's not a good thing. I probably would respond with something like "Oh thank goodness! I was afraid I was looking skeletal. Thanks for letting me know I've retained my healthy glow instead of being wrinkled and haggard."

justjara123

That honestly sucks! It can be so discouraging when someone makes a negative comment but when that happens to me, I just think about how that’s a reflection on THEIR character (no offense to your grandma or anything but that’s mean).

I think your motivation to work out and be fit is your personal victory regardless of how people see it. Try not to let people affect that and do these things for yourself. Best of luck with your fitness journey and remember that you CAN do it!!

Knoxvilla5

How do you respond to overt rudeness... without being rude? Why bother? Clearly she doesn't have a problem being rude--send that dish back to the kitchen where it came from!

tcunbeliever

My grandmother is usually quite deliberately nasty to people around her, so I'm used to it and I don't let it get to me. When someone feels compelled to be mean, it's about them, not about you. So, I would have just said "thanks grandma" with a big smile...she hates it when no one is upset by her comments...but if you get upset, then she becomes the victim and she "didn't mean it like that" and you are "just too sensitive", very typical pattern, she refuses to acknowledge that you have any right to your own feelings and goes out of her way to make sure that she never has to accept responsibility for anything she says...in any case, it likely has nothing to do with you or how you look, and if you are worried about how your weight loss looks, then take measurements and photos FOR YOU!!!

Everyone else can just get bent if they aren't being helpful.

cmriverside

@tcunbeliever - your grandmother must be my mother.

88olds

OK. Stuff like this pushes our button because we have that button. If GM had said something about you having 2 heads how would you react?
Bet it wouldn’t matter b/c you don’t have a 2 heads issue with yourself.

I think weightloss takes place in our heads.
Don’t know why this is, but our own brains are really out to wreck us. Any bit of self doubt, any indication that our WL expectations aren’t being met and our brains jump up- AHA! See, I told you so! Failure!

Push back. According to your post, your program is working just fine. Stick to the facts. If you have a working program, it’s just a matter of time. Don’t let this rattle you.

BattyKnitter

Ugh the last time I saw my grandma she asked if I liked being this big, it completely crushed me and pissed off my hubby and Dad. Old people, they don't give a *kitten* and have no filter!

JaydedMiss

LOL. Im sorry but try to see the funny, Elderly people have no filters and are grumpy xD My grampa loves to keep a pic of me at my fattest around and everytime i saw him for months hed say " Jesus christ you used to be SO FAT" Like grampa thats NOT okay.

I shunned him whenever he said it and told him to stop eventually he did. In his mind he was complimenting me i know, They just sort of lose their mind at that age and dont really think things through lol

netitheyeti

She keeps bringing up that one time 6-7 years ago when my weight dropped to BMI 19 (I had 6+ months worth of dental issues, I unintentionally dropped a good 5-6kg below my goal/maintenance weight) and apparently I "looked so nice and slim" (I could count the ribs through my back and had the measurements of 30-22-34, no thank you)...

I mean, I KNOW the upper end of "normal BMI" (I'm aware BMI is not ideal) is not a good weight for me, but I don't feel like I'm THAT far away from my goal - I was 64kg last weigh in, I'm aiming for 57kg... kinda made me think "if I look that huge now, am I even gonna look normal at my goal?"
Yeah, grandma can be pretty critical.. while I appreciate it when the conversation is about how to improve my cooking recipes (she's amazing with baking and cooking) - it makes me wonder whether or not she's right and maybe noone else wants to hurt my feelings when I talk about my weight and my goals :P

ninerbuff

There's family, then there's everyone else. Family will usually tell you without blinking an eye. Why? Cause you really can't disregard them because of a comment.
Now HOW YOU RESPOND, matters. Personally, I don't care if people like what I where, how I look, how I laugh, etc. That's me. If it bothers them, then it's their problem. Do you. Don't worry about what others say.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

seltzermint555

To be honest, I don't think senior citizens deserve slack on stuff like this at all. It's 2018. Even if they are 90+ they should know enough to see how hurtful this is. I think it's plain mean and rude...OR they're losing tact due to becoming senile, which is sad. No in between to be honest.

tcunbeliever

The things I would do for a Klondike bar are nothing compared to the things I would do for a 22" waist...holy cow!

DananaNanas

tcunbeliever wrote: »

The things I would do for a Klondike bar are nothing compared to the things I would do for a 22" waist...holy cow!

omg.. same.

My response would've probably been something along the lines of "wow, ok." And then cut the person out of my life for awhile.

netitheyeti

just for reference, this is my weight loss since december 2017:


I'm basically trying to get to this (me at roughly 56kg 6-7 years ago) :


-
A small waist is nice but I felt like poop at that weight! That was the problem :P That size just didn't feel sustainable and because I'm slightly pear shaped I ended up with ribs everywhere and stick arms

JaydedMiss

seltzermint555 wrote: »

To be honest, I don't think senior citizens deserve slack on stuff like this at all. It's 2018. Even if they are 90+ they should know enough to see how hurtful this is. I think it's plain mean and rude...OR they're losing tact due to becoming senile, which is sad. No in between to be honest.

Going off my grampa, He used to be the sweetest guy ever hed go out of his way to help everyone and hed do anything to make anyone smile, No matter who they were. Hes now 87 and he still lives on his own, So hes not completely lost it or anything, But hes become racist and grumpy and mean. So no they dont deserve slack for rudeness, But yes i do think becoming old just changes the brain. I mean its obvious it does. I dont think he means to be rude i think the part of his brain that thinks things through and cares how it effects others is just dormant now. And likely the fact hes sore and old and bored just makes him grumpy so the mix of the two among other things makes it okay in his mind to act how he does now. Its sad he was such a nice guy lol i miss nice grampa

Elyseinchi

I think you look fabulous. Never mind what anyone thinks... even your grandma... she probably did not mean harm..... just lket stuff like that go in one ear and out the other. The most important is that you are feeling better.

Fuzzipeg

May I suggest you buy your grandmother some new glasses. Please don't tar all older persons with the same brush. As a Gt grand mother, I want my youngsters to feel comfortable and happy in their skins, being the best version of themselves they can, girls and boys alike. Loving them for who they are not simply for their appearance.

Crafty_camper123

Just let it roll off of you like water off a duck's back. She probably didn't mean anything bad by it... and if she did, she's just mean and shouldn't be listened to anyways. What matters is that you are seeing results, and that you are feeling better. Based on you're before & after pics there is a noticable difference. For whatever reason, family seems to be worse then strangers for saying what they are thinking with no regard to being tactful and thinking about others' feelings. Just kill them with kindness, and don't let them be a blow to your confidence. If she continues to make remarks, then tell her how you feel. Tell her you don't appreciate when she talks to you that way. Especially considering how hard you've worked to get where you're at. Although I know that can be easier said then done with it being grandma & all.

amandaeve

My grandmother. That whole side of that family is very thin. Runners, swimmers, fashionistas. I happen to have one cousin who's bigger than the rest, always has been. She has always been a healthy, normal size, just bigger compared to the rails of other relatives. All my grandmother could say about her, "she's fat". When she graduated high school, she got a full scholarship to the best engineering school in the country. Grandmother: "she's fat". Then she became an amazing professional artist, supporting her and her 3 daughters with her work. Grandmother: "she's fat". Mind you, she's also a competitive runner. I felt so much shame for my grandmother to only focus on one, pointless, thing and miss out on knowing an amazing person.

Those hurtful things are extra hard to hear from someone close, especially someone you respect. Whenever a loved one says something hurtful to me, I think of my cousin, and remember how silly those hurtful words sound when you are on the outside.