Thoughts

Avocado_Angel

How on earth do you start disciplining a 17 year old lad? He rallies against discipline but he needs some in his life I'm afraid that if I don't then it's going to impact his life negatively. He's my brother and I'm his guardian, he also seems to have a mild depression, makes up stories and tells lies. He isn't doing anything with his life apart from video games and internet or being at his girlfriend's house.

I have told him that if he lies to me again I'm going to cut the internet off. He didn't act too bothered but I can't have him sitting on the internet all day or playing video games. My worry is that he'll say he's depressed and the internet is all he wants to do, like he'll turn the discipline into just something that's unfair. I just don't know what to do. It seems cutting the internet is my only option and trust me I have waited this one out hoping he would change. Anyone in a similar situation ?

TavistockToad

If he's had no discipline until now then at 17 years of age it's probably too late.

The worst thing you can do is threaten something and not follow through with it though.

Has he been to the doctor about his depression, I don't know of many who would diagnose the internet to help...

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TheRoadDog

Tough call not knowing the circumstances. But, I would cut off all economic support. No phone, no cable, no gas money.

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TavistockToad

Avocado_Angel wrote: »

TheRoadDog wrote: »

Tough call not knowing the circumstances. But, I would cut off all economic support. No phone, no cable, no gas money.

I spoke to a teacher at his school today, this lady deals with trying to help the pupils find work, courses etc. I told her my plan to cut off the internet and her opinion is (she has trained as a councillor) that it's a bad idea to remove internet cos it might be his only way of actually connecting with people and staying in touch and not totally isolating himself. I can see what she means but I also think the internet is a route cause of his doing nothing and lying about the bedroom. If he had no internet surely he would have to start doing something else ? I guess I'm just hoping it would be something positive that he moves into. I guess I'm just venting and looking for opinions cos I just feel trapped and not sure what to do. I will work it out.

It's your house, internets on for 2 hours 7 till 9pm. Before/after that time, entertain yourself another way.

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Motorsheen

What is his motivation to change?

Mithridites

Change the internet to the slowest one being offered in your area. It will still allow him human contact through things like e-mail but will sour cyberloafing activities like gaming.

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TavistockToad

Avocado_Angel wrote: »

_barefoot_ wrote: »

Avocado_Angel wrote: »

_barefoot_ wrote: »

Dose he have a job ?

Nah he's doing nothing at all and constantly throws away oppertunity to do anything. He's had many chances to do things and just walks away. Seems he just wants me to wipe his backside, chill out with his chick or lounge around. All while looking amazing. Iv truely had enough of his manipulative *kitten*.

You need to have him get a job and learn how to manage money .
Have him help you with the bills .

You have to tell him get a job or move out if you don't he's going to be a free loader for the rest of his life .


When baby birds get to big the mother bird kicks the baby bird out of the nest .

Asking him to leave the house is something that I can't take lightly I think I'm probably worried that there will be raised eyebrows at me putting him out when he 'doesn't feel well' or that he will hate me for it cos his attitude is one of its my duty to look after him, especially as his parents are dead to put it bluntly. But in reality I think having to survive for himself would be good for him cos I think he's in some sort of bubble thinking he is justified to sit around my flat doing nothing apart from a few dishes now and again.

I think part of the problem is his over all attitude about what he feels entitled to and I think he takes living in my flat for granted. I looked at it that putting a roof over his head as my basic task when I took him on as his guardian so I think that's why I feel uneasy taking it away. But if his attitude doesn't improve I will need to for my own sanity and to teach him a life lesson.

As for getting a job and helping with bills, I am struggling to see that happening. I have told him he needs to get something especially when he gets to 18 as my financial situation will change. So he is well aware of the implications of him doing nothing and having no income and that he has a part to play, if he takes that on board is entirely another thing.

raised eyebrows from whom?

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4legsRbetterthan2

It is hard, because as your bf said, you aren't his mother, but on the other hand you are in a position where you need to act, at least partially, like one. I am sure that is very difficult.

From your responses so far I am wondering what "fine things in life" he is enjoying and where he is getting the money for that. If it is from you, that is where I would start. There may be a middle ground here. You live here, and I will feed you basic food. But new clothes, going out anywhere, dates with the girl, whatever are all on him if they aren't already.

I am guessing some sort of assistance you are getting for caring for him will stop when he turns 18? Can you put together a budget of expenses, show him how that money helps now, and show him what he will need to contribute to make up for it when his birthday rolls around?

I would also start preparing for the money situation to change. Sorry kid, selling your gaming station and putting the money away to help cover the gap when the time comes. Anything else he is enjoying that isn't essential to life, yup, sell it and put the money in savings. If he wants it he can either buy it from you, or buy another one once he has the money. You know the change is coming, so getting prepared now will be just as beneficial to you as him. Even if you struggle to make him change, don't allow him to take you down with him.

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ChaelAZ

Seek professional help.

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4legsRbetterthan2

Avocado_Angel wrote: »

ChaelAZ wrote: »

Seek professional help.

I was talking to social work today, he is on the waiting list to be allocated a social worker which is absolutely the best thing for him.

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like with his depression issues and history it might be beyond what an average person can handle.

4legsRbetterthan2

Avocado_Angel wrote: »

I also received some benefit money backdated, money I was due but hadnt been given so I got a lump sum. He went off his head one day screaming at my bf about the money i had in the bank and keeping to myself. Xmas was just coming up and I spent some of that money to treat him at Xmas and also to buy other people gifts etc. It seems that he thinks, if I have it, he should have it so maybe the boundaries are blurred.

And honestly, I would reconsider letting him stay with you after his 18th birthday due to this. Maybe it sounds worse than it is to me, because I can't think of any time I have ever screamed at someone, but if his behavior continues to spiral don't let it get to the point of abuse towards you and your boyfriend.

I know you love him and it is hard. I am really sorry you have to go through this.

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seltzermint555

I agree with all of the advice you have been given. I understand you are not in the US, and things may be a little different culturally. I also don't know how old you are, OP, but I get the impression you're maybe 30+ at this time (sorry if I am wrong, I just see that you are over 25 based on things you said above). Anyway, I wonder if a small part of it may actually be the whole shift in expectations of the current generation versus previous ones? I am 41 have noticed a lot of my peers' older children or much younger siblings (say between 16-27) don't have a lot of desire to get out on their own. They are often content to literally play video games all day. We live in an area where you really need a car to get around because it's a mid-sized city with patchy public transit...but many of them have reached 20s and don't have driver's licenses or any plans to obtain one, nor have they held jobs...it is very different to me. I know I probably sound old like "get off my lawn" but it's just so different and seems to be MOST young people rather than an outcast few.

Sorry if that was just a ramble. But I feel like maybe your brother has all of these issues - and then it's topped with the fact that his peers aren't in any hurry to take on adult responsibility, either. What do his friends do? Are they studying? Working? Do any of them live on their own or with roommates, or are they mostly at home with parents? (I guess if he's not yet 18, probably almost all of them are still living at home, but just curious regarding their future plans and ambitions)

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777Gemma888

Further to SuperOrganism2's suggestions ...

I realise you'd rather he does some foot work for his own future, but in reality he might not have an inkling of "where to from here? ". He has withdrawn with silent rage, because he is scared. He is still a child.

Have you considered looking up Coding and Hacker BootCamps held weekly at some libraries and on Saturdays by some tech companies for children 11-19 years?

How about taking him to the Military Recruitment Office? The men/women at those centers are super accommodating. A friend who is 27 now, and a USN Master Chief in the Navy told me they might even consider paying him a visit at home, to talk to your brother. No judgement or preordained ideas about the back story. If you ask politely, they can share parts of military life he might be interested in, where being on the net and around tech becomes an earning avenue. They might be the figures of respect and fatherhood he needs. I had naval officers who were taught by my father, go to my brother's school when he wasn't listening to me ... He refused to fill in University applications and scholarships/grants forms with me ... I was adamant, "if you're not going to Uni, you're joining the military. Officer training starts in 2 months." He ended up in the Royal Marines after his LLB Hons, then returned for his Masters later. He found his brotherhood in the military . Sometimes men can get through, when we their big sisters are perceived by them as thorns or wannabe mother figures who AREN'T their mothers.

You're his adult sister. You have been through life's trials. You want him settled and independent. Sometimes all they need is direction ... A not so obvious nudge.

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