Do you need to self validate yourself?

ayson9

I see and hear it way too many times in the gym and just overall discussions on fitness.

“Oh, I can’t lift that heavy as him but I’m shredded more than him”

“I don’t look shredded like him, but at least I can bench twice my body weight”

“I don’t lift heavy nor do I look shredded, but at least I know how to fight”

Do people say these so self validate that what they are doing is the best for them?

Is it a insecurity issue?

Everyone is on a different journey, whether it would be aesthetic goals, strength goals, functionality or self defense learning. But that doesn’t mean you put others down in place of that.

I’m just wondering what is the need to call them out on something that they’re are not particularly focused on?

concordancia

That isn't self validation, it is the antithesis of self validation.

Self validation means not belittling others to make yourself feel better.

janejellyroll

concordancia wrote: »

That isn't self validation, it is the antithesis of self validation.

Self validation means not belittling others to make yourself feel better.

I agree. To me, self-validation is focused on me and how I'm progressing in relation to my goals. It's not about looking at others and trying to figure out how I'm better than them.

jennifer_417

We probably all fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other, at least occasionally. But it's almost never helpful.

KickassAmazon76

We grow up learning that in order to tell if we are successful, we need to rank ourselves amongst our peers. We're graded on a scale of 0 to 100 and need to know where we fall. Then we're reinforced in those messages by media telling us that we need to be stronger, skinnier, smarter, prettier, etc... Another comparison.

So when we get to the gym, it's natural that we look around to try and place ourselves on a spectrum of fitness.
Inherently I think we need to know where we stand amongst our peers.

The better bet IS to self validate. To say...
This is what I could do before and this is what I can do now... I've improved, therefore I'm doing great!
OR

I've NEVER done this before, and look - here I am. I'm doing it now! F**K, I AM AWESOME


As a culture, I think our default is to compare... but it's a higher and better calling to encourage and self motivate.

PokeyBug

^^What KickassAmazon said. People grow up being compared and comparing themselves to others, but we're all better off comparing ourselves to ourselves. A good example of this is what happened with me very recently. I follow Jamie Rahn, of American Ninja fame, on my Facebook feed. Sometimes, he passes along training tips to us little people. I absolutely do not look at his training tips as things to compare myself to (nor should I -- have you seen how fit this guy is?), but I do look at them as ideas that might help me improve me. I tend to look at others who are capable of more than I am as inspiration, rather than try to belittle their efforts in comparison to mine.

Dani9585

KickassAmazon76 wrote: »

We grow up learning that in order to tell if we are successful, we need to rank ourselves amongst our peers. We're graded on a scale of 0 to 100 and need to know where we fall. Then we're reinforced in those messages by media telling us that we need to be stronger, skinnier, smarter, prettier, etc... Another comparison.

So when we get to the gym, it's natural that we look around to try and place ourselves on a spectrum of fitness.
Inherently I think we need to know where we stand amongst our peers.

The better bet IS to self validate. To say...
This is what I could do before and this is what I can do now... I've improved, therefore I'm doing great!
OR

I've NEVER done this before, and look - here I am. I'm doing it now! F**K, I AM AWESOME


As a culture, I think our default is to compare... but it's a higher and better calling to encourage and self motivate.

This!

ayson9

@KickassAmazon76 totally agree sir.

But it’s interesting how they place themselves on the spectrum. What I mean is, the guy who is aesthetic and compares himself to a guy who is not aesthetic but is strong or big. That wouldn’t necessarily be an accurate comparison to do because obviously the stronger guy isn’t focused on aesthetics. So the comparisons they do makes them win by default.

jenilla1

I guess I self-validate, but not by comparison to others. I look at others and notice their strengths and weaknesses, but I don't see them as having anything to do with my own self worth. I am a completely separate entity and I compete against myself. I'm always trying to be the best version of me. It doesn't make sense to try and be like someone else. Different person, different variables. It doesn't compute. I guess my brain doesn't work like that.

I could see a really fit chick and think, "Wow, she's awesome. She's really getting it done. Good for her!" And somehow I feel all warm and fuzzy because someone out in the world is winning. Doesn't need to always be me. And her winning doesn't take away from me in any way. It's inspiring, not demeaning. A win for one is a win for all. I thrive on positivity.

I might not notice at all - because I'm usually tuned in for awesome things - but if I do notice some out of shape chick, I'm not thinking bad thoughts or validating my own superiority, I'm thinking, "That lady's not in her best shape. She could do it, though," or "Maybe she's working on it. Good for her!" and then I'm looking for something positive she does have that shows she's got potential.

I'm my own best cheerleader by nature, so I'm going to look at myself in the mirror and probably go, "Wow, I'm pretty awesome," and my mind is automatically noticing all the good things I've got going on. If anything needs work, I matter-of-factly note that in my mind and then analyze what needs to happen to get it to where I want it to be, or at least to an acceptable place. I'm very realistic about my shortcomings, and some things aren't important to me. Some things are. If I can improve something, I will make a plan and go for it. If it's something beyond my control, then it's just the way it is and the rest of my awesomeness serves to mitigate any "flaws." I have a way of accentuating the positive and overlooking the negative.

It's nice if other people notice my strengths, but it's not necessary. What matters most is how I feel about myself. And I don't want people to look at me and feel bad about themselves. It's not about being better than others. It's about being the best you.

KickassAmazon76

ayson9 wrote: »

@KickassAmazon76 totally agree sir.

But it’s interesting how they place themselves on the spectrum. What I mean is, the guy who is aesthetic and compares himself to a guy who is not aesthetic but is strong or big. That wouldn’t necessarily be an accurate comparison to do because obviously the stronger guy isn’t focused on aesthetics. So the comparisons they do makes them win by default.

I think you're making some broad generalizations / assumptions about what people are thinking and what their reasoning and motivations are.

When I read your statements... For example

"Oh, I can’t lift that heavy as him but I’m shredded more than him”

I read it as... I can't lift as heavy as him (infer: I wish I could... I fail in this area)

BUT I'm AM MORE shredded (therefore I pass and I'm not a failure).

At which point, if this person is saying that out loud, they are probably waiting for their friend to respond with... "Yeah man you are shredded!" Which validates the fact that they're not a failure, and it makes them feel better.

Oftentimes arrogance is a result of a lack of self-confidence. And other times... They're just jerks. I prefer to assume the former

lorrpb

I've never heard anything like this in my gym.

Lounmoun

I sometimes say to myself I am not where that person is physically but I have progress from where I was. I am not better than other people but I am better than me 3 years ago. Sometimes I feel down or frustrated compared to others and it helps to remember my own progress.
I don't know if that is what shredded guy is doing.

2aycocks

Confucius say... He who toots not his own horn, may not get his horn tooted!

Just saying...

seltzermint555

I have noticed that when I am feeling the least secure and happy with myself, that is when I tend to compare most. I'll look at other women my age and thinking "oh she's thinner/fatter/richer/more whatever" and when I am very happy, which is usually, I don't think about those things at all. Exception being, running into someone I went to high school with and being surprised that they have become very obese or super fit & ripped. Of course I notice things like that!

I think it would be like a curse to constantly feel the need to compare myself to other women (or other people in general) but in talking with some, I've found that they ALWAYS do this.

JeromeBarry1

2aycocks wrote: »

Confucius say... He who toots not his own horn, may not get his horn tooted!

Just saying...

Confucius must've been a bud of my dad. Dad said the same thing one day when he picked me up from football practice and I lamented my poor performance.

ccsernica

The only guy I do this with at my gym has never heard of leg day. His upper body would be the envy of anyone. His legs are toothpicks -- his biceps are actually bigger than his thighs! So I can look at that and think, well. I can only do 5 pull-ups. But at least my legs are proportional.

Not that I say anything out loud; it'd be rude. Plus, the reason my legs are proportional is that I'm scrawny overall. There's only one other guy at the gym who knows him well enough, and who has a sufficiently well-built, well-balanced physique that he can't really be questioned as to motives, to make a little fun of him for it. Very little fun. In general, no one comments on anyone else where I go, and I'm happy that's the way it is.

lynn_glenmont

I always hear that if you self-validate yourself too much, you'll go blind.

L1zardQueen

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

I always hear that if you self-validate yourself too much, you'll go blind.

I know, I had to read the OP twice because my mind is always near some gutter.

lynn_glenmont

L1zardQueen wrote: »

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

I always hear that if you self-validate yourself too much, you'll go blind.

I know, I had to read the OP twice because my mind is always near some gutter.

the8BitGirl

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

- Theodore Roosevelt

bpetrosky

The only validation I want is for my parking.