How do you find a "Why"?
mitchkelly2446
Posts: 38 Member
I'm finding it impossible to find a why. Maintaining constant vigilance around food is exhausting. Exercising doesn't make me feel better (weights lifted, distances run etc are just numbers), never had a "runner's high", weight loss is interminably slow - the rate of progress on a daily/weekly basis is so slow that in a scientific test the differences would be less than the precision of the measurement. No sense of accomplishment/achievement from any of it, it just feels like a slog I have to commit to for the rest of my life. Active food management and exercise just feel like more chores to add to my to do list that will keep coming up forever!
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For me, I set a fitness goal. That way the exercise turns into training for an event (for me its obstacle course racing - tough mudder, Spartans, and the like). Its very rewarding to see goals accomplished, so I keep signing up and getting stronger (and smaller for that matter). Plus I like medals and finisher shirts and playing in the mud. Last year I did 3 races, now I've got enough to need a spreadsheet to keep track.
I've surrounded myself with like minded people, so that's helped. When I hang out with someone, we're probably rucking or playing on the monkey bars/rope climbing or something of that nature.
The food part is very difficult as I can't just eat less given the training I do (backfires stupendously), so I try really hard to focus on strength goals over time. Especially since race days result in an extra 5+ pounds of water. I've started reading Beck's Diet Solution that talks about changing your internal thoughts around food and dieting using cognitive behavior techniques. Might be worth checking out.5 -
Thanks, I'll look at the book.
I've tried goals: run a 5k, run a 5k faster, run a 5k in under xxx minutes, squat my bodyweight, 110%, 150%, topped out at 175%, and it was all just tick the box, move on, so what? None of it has significance or meaning and doesn't make me feel anything at all. I get about the same feeling of accomplishment from driving to work: it's just one more thing I have to do.
I basically never, ever "hang out". Social contact is at work - I never socialise at the gym because I don't have time to stand around and chat, plus doing so means you're not working (nobody else in there chats either - people are there to work!).
Food control is at the bleeding edge between constant vigilance and frank paranoia. Since I have a tendency to comfort eat, I have to be actively watch constantly that I don't slip into snacking etc, and the mental process is exhausting.3 -
Why did you start losing weight?
Why did you start going to the gym?
What activities/ hobbies do you enjoy?
What do you want from your life in a year? 5 years? 10? 20?
There are no right or wrong answers. Everyone has different plans. What are yours?3 -
Because I was told it would be good for me/because I was getting nagged.
Started at the gym/running because I was told I should/would be good for me/got nagged
Activities/hobbies: wargaming, birdwatching, modelmaking, art, reading...
As for the 1/5/20 years: I don't know. I never have known. I never had a childhood dream that went beyond having a day where I wasn't in fear of getting repeatedly physically assaulted.3 -
What’s any of that have to do with why? Or maybe which why? I assume you have a why you want to lose weight or the idea would never get into your head. Everyone here has a why like that. Some folks want to go on living, some want to look good in their wedding dress, but everyone has a why like that.
You sound more like why bother? Some of that has to do with your underlying why. Folks trying to control their diabetes or avoid knee surgery may be willing to put themselves out more than folks trying to look good at the beach. Maybe not though, everyone is different. Depends on how bad you want it.
In the end I made my goal weight because it was the only way to silence the nagging voice in my head berating me for not closing the deal on weight loss. I was eventually desperate enough to join Weight Watchers. It’s where I learned tracking my food. It’s called a journal and tracking there, a food diary and logging here on MFP. But counting WW points is just patent protected calorie counting.
You're exactly right, it is never ending vigilance. Personaly I find that a big improvement over the internal nagging. But depending where you are in the process, it can get easier. I initially found counting WW points to be a sort of puzzle game. I really didn’t mind it too much. Fortunately, by the time the novelty wore off, I was mostly running on habit. So if you are just starting out, give the learning curve some time and things get easier. Focus on building helpful habits.
But you’re right, self control takes effort. Just how it is, not going to change.
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I train for powerlifting...5th competition is in August. I have daily/weekly/monthly/6 month/yearly goals. That short-term goals keep me going day after day. The long-term goals keep me going month after month.
I used to run a lot; never had a "runners high." Lifting is more physically rewarding for me. Testing my strength limits has also helped me focus on how my body performs vs. how my body looks (which replaced my fixation on weight loss). Lifting has changed my relationship with food...food is fuel. I'm better able to manage my diet, b/c I understand now how food can impact my long-term goals.1 -
What’s any of that have to do with why? Or maybe which why? I assume you have a why you want to lose weight or the idea would never get into your head.
No, I don't have a why I want to lose weight. Been told I should/getting nagged to. I don't personally have a why, other than to shut other people up.
I have never-ending vigilance and internal nagging ("oh god, I'll catch hell if I eat this" kind of thing). I can't imagine either one is more or less wearing than the other!2 -
deputy_randolph wrote: »I train for powerlifting...5th competition is in August. I have daily/weekly/monthly/6 month/yearly goals. That short-term goals keep me going day after day. The long-term goals keep me going month after month.
I lift still. In the past I lifted a lot. Like I say, got to 175% of BW on squat (167.5kg/370lb), bench 125kg/275lb) etc, but when I got there it was "so what?". No feeling of accomplishment AT ALL. I felt some idle curiosity about whether I could lift certain weights, but once I did it, that was it.0 -
I just wanted to see if I could do it. I wanted to lose a little weight for my sister in law's wedding... Looking better than the groom or some crap like that.
Then I wanted to see if I could get a muscle definition. Got it in about a year.
Now I want a 6 pack and 7% bodyfat, just because I can.
I did it for my wife first, now i do it just because i want to. I like looking good, i like being able to run, I like winning fights (Jiu Jitsu, not street brawls) and most of all, I like being able to play with my kid until he tires out, not the other way around.
Ask yourself. Is being fit better than fat? That should give you your first "WHY?"1 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »Because I was told it would be good for me/because I was getting nagged.
Started at the gym/running because I was told I should/would be good for me/got nagged
It doesn't sound like you have any plans for your heath or fitness. You have to decide those for yourself. Reading a couple other threads that you have responded to it sounds like you find no enjoyment in your attempt to improve your health. Maybe a maintenance break/ week off from the gym would help. I think you should also look for different activities you enjoy. Swimming or hiking might be a great addition to your bird watching. Olympic lifting, strongman, parkour, honestly it doesn't matter what it is as long as you enjoy it.mitchkelly2446 wrote: »As for the 1/5/20 years: I don't know. I never have known. I never had a childhood dream that went beyond having a day where I wasn't in fear of getting repeatedly physically assaulted.
I'm sorry you weren't safe as a child. You should not have been in a position where your primary goal was to be safe. A history like that changes the way we view the world and ourselves. It's nearly impossible not to internalize the darkness and fear that a child in that position feels. It would be great if one day all that internalized stuff was just left behind but it tends to be woven into us and takes a lot of time and effort to unwind. You may find it beneficial to talk to a therapist. Your job likely has a help line to refer you to someone but otherwise there are lots of resources to find someone to help. Some are free or on a sliding scale besides investing in your mental health is always a good decision. If you don't care for a particular therapy style don't give up. You may need to change therapists or switch to a group to find what works for you.
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You may also like hearing other people's whys/motivation.0
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I don't know. Seriously. I don't know if the mental strain of constant vigilance over food, the having to give more of my limited time for other hobbies over to exercise, the arguments about what food gets cooked for the whole family versus me and the lack of any release mechanism for the constant ongoing stress in my day actually stacks up!Ask yourself. Is being fit better than fat? That should give you your first "WHY?"
Is "thin but at the point of mental/emotional collapse" a good place to be?
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Thanks for the mental health stuff - probably need to up-tick what I'm doing there. Already been with a doctor about it for years, but the resources are very limited.mochapygmy wrote: »[
. Reading a couple other threads that you have responded to it sounds like you find no enjoyment in your attempt to improve your health. Maybe a maintenance break/ week off from the gym would help. I think you should also look for different activities you enjoy. Swimming or hiking might be a great addition to your bird watching. Olympic lifting, strongman, parkour, honestly it doesn't matter what it is as long as you enjoy it.
I've tried lots of different activities over the years and frankly I haven't enjoyed any of them. Running/lifting are the ones I've disliked least. I'm not against trying something new but frankly I've exhausted everything within about a 20 mile radius of my home. Going further isn't something I really feel offers any good return: I'm already committing 8.5 hours to work and another 2.5-3 for commuting per day, so once I allow for sleep and basic things like eating, showering, work on/around the house, paying bills etc, I'm not left with a lot of time and frittering it away driving to a different gym/club etc doesn't stack up.
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mitchkelly2446 wrote: »What’s any of that have to do with why? Or maybe which why? I assume you have a why you want to lose weight or the idea would never get into your head.
No, I don't have a why I want to lose weight. Been told I should/getting nagged to. I don't personally have a why, other than to shut other people up.
When it comes to exercising/losing weight/learning/working/quitting a habit/anything...... absolutely anything... if you're not doing it for YOU... if YOU haven't decided you want to do it... it will never be enjoyable or accomplished.
Good luck with your other hobbies.5 -
I decided i wanted to become more flexible and added in alot of stretching. Its something i enjoy and can see happening. Helps with motivation for sure to be able to see progress, Find something you can see/measure. Even something simple. Its easy to see no point in stuff when youve given yourself no point, Need something to hold onto for sure. I spin my wheels like crazy when i have nothing left to try for0
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work_on_it wrote: »mitchkelly2446 wrote: »What’s any of that have to do with why? Or maybe which why? I assume you have a why you want to lose weight or the idea would never get into your head.
No, I don't have a why I want to lose weight. Been told I should/getting nagged to. I don't personally have a why, other than to shut other people up.
When it comes to exercising/losing weight/learning/working/quitting a habit/anything...... absolutely anything... if you're not doing it for YOU... if YOU haven't decided you want to do it... it will never be enjoyable or accomplished.
Good luck with your other hobbies.
Thanks. I've managed to keep working for 31 years without really wanting to other than because I need the money. Maybe I was hoping I could make exercise go the same way
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I think you make valid points. If your why is to silence critics, there are easier ways to deal with that.3
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First, I'm sending you a long-distance hug and empathy for dealing with your childhood experiences. Hopefully you are getting the help you need.
My "why?" is to have a future as the kind of mother I want to be. To me, that includes both having healthy pregnancies and being an active family with healthy food choices and active habits. Sure, I have more immediate and shallow why's as well (I have these clothes I'd like to fit into..., etc.), but that's the one that really tugs my heartstrings.
If your "why" is to silence critics, that's a perfectly valid reason. You might need to remember, though, that the critics may never shut up, especially if your harshest critic is living within your own mind.
What's your food and exercise plan like right now? If your primary goal is simply weight loss because someone said so and you don't enjoy exercising whatsoever, maybe you could just drop that for a while, increase your calories to a slower loss rate and see how that feels like?5 -
I have cycling and running goals!0
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mitchkelly2446 wrote: »I'm finding it impossible to find a why. Maintaining constant vigilance around food is exhausting. Exercising doesn't make me feel better (weights lifted, distances run etc are just numbers), never had a "runner's high", weight loss is interminably slow - the rate of progress on a daily/weekly basis is so slow that in a scientific test the differences would be less than the precision of the measurement. No sense of accomplishment/achievement from any of it, it just feels like a slog I have to commit to for the rest of my life. Active food management and exercise just feel like more chores to add to my to do list that will keep coming up forever!
well once every thing else is stripped away - the goals the head games the different approaches different philosophies - it really is something we have to do the rest of our lives. My children were raised with this in their life and so to them its not a chore -its just normal - but for those of us who were raised with "no sense of healthy self or limits on eating or movement required for overall health" it is daunting...but its the reality of life. "hug to you"
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I have figured out, for myself at least, that I don't have to be vigilant around food all the time - just like I don't have to be on the watch out so I don't get run over by cars and buses, when I'm not near a road - I only have to make food decisions when I grocery shop, or plan meals, or cook or eat. Removing temptations, or myself from temptations, helps - meal planning is part of that, and scheduled grocery shoppong too, and I limit my time browsing dessert recipes.
As a living animal, I need food every day. To feed myself properly is my duty as an adult, but it's also great fun, to pick what I need, and what I want most; I feel priveleged and grateful to have access to enough food, safe, tasty and nutritious food, and an appetite for it. This makes me not want to abuse the trust by overeating or otherwise wasting food or eating unbalanced.
I don't really exercise, but I incorporate movement into my day - functional movement, like walking errands and housework, and just for laughs, playing, mock yoga/running/dancing.
You can also think of it like this: If you work, why do you go to work every day? If you have teeth, do you brush them every day? How can you be bothered?1 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »I don't know. Seriously. I don't know if the mental strain of constant vigilance over food, the having to give more of my limited time for other hobbies over to exercise, the arguments about what food gets cooked for the whole family versus me and the lack of any release mechanism for the constant ongoing stress in my day actually stacks up!
Is "thin but at the point of mental/emotional collapse" a good place to be?
Sounds like your mind is made up.
You should stop a cheesecake factory on the way home.
Fat and happy... There's nothing wrong with it if that's what you want.
But, maybe, just maybe, if you deep down want something else, then it's time to stop looking at eating well and exercising as a problem and start looking at it as just another thing you have to do. Like brushing your teeth.
It's up to you.2 -
I am sorry for what happened to you when you were a kid.
Telling someone who doesn't feel motivated to work out to do so because it's good for them is like telling a depressed person to smile more and think happy thoughts. I'd agree that there are other ways of dealing with external pressure other than submission and compliance.
But I don't think it's all about the why, I think it's more about the want. What do YOU want? Generally? From life? Break it down into manageable, concrete pieces (or stepping stones if you will), and you may find that some of them relate quite strongly to being fitter, or being healthy as you age.
Some of us like to eat, others eat to function. That applies to exercise as well. You're not the oddball here - you just need to find something that resonates, ties in with your hobbies, and / or is really important for the long game that you've set.3 -
Because I need the money! If I didn't, I wouldn't do it again as long as I live. It's one of things I do have to do.kommodevaran wrote: »You can also think of it like this: If you work, why do you go to work every day?
However, I'm at the stage where adding any more things I have to do is going to start heavily impinging on the time I have to do any of the things I like to do. I need a positive "why" in order to make it something other than a trade off against my extremely limited fun/pleasure activities. I'm currently running at less than two hours "fun time" per day as it is, once you remove work, commute, chores and basic things like eating, sleeping and showering etc. Pretty much everything is time-limited now, and I need additional stress from plate-spinning more activities like I need a third shoe. General stress from work, travel, family, money plus vigilance around food is already wearing me. I've exercised for years but never, ever felt any improvement in mood levels as a result - I have felt equally stressed/depressed with and without.
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I have to be constantly vigilant to stop myself raiding the fridge at home or walking across the road at work to the shop. I have to consciously force myself not to go through with those actions, more so when I'm under pressure.kommodevaran wrote: »I have figured out, for myself at least, that I don't have to be vigilant around food all the time - just like I don't have to be on the watch out so I don't get run over by cars and buses, when I'm not near a road
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I don't see that anyone has addressed this specifically, but honestly the message that's coming across to me from this thread is that you are not a happy person. I get the sense that even if all the struggles with maintaining your healthy lifestyle were removed, you wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. I'm hearing a job you don't like, a ridiculous commute (that alone would suck the joy out of my life), and surrounded by people that you perceive to be critical. Taking care of yourself sounds like one more obligation you don't want. Maybe it's strictly situational, or maybe it's clinical, but have you ever sought counseling to help you sort things out?
Forgive me if I'm being presumptuous... let's just say your sentiments sound awfully familiar
After I typed this, I saw your comment above, which seems to confirm what I was thinking.10 -
Just to add, as far as the "why", this comment came to mind from an excellent thread on the topic ( https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/818701/the-myth-of-motivation-and-what-you-need-instead/p1 ):
You are going to die. And neglecting your health and fitness is more likely to hasten your departure. Furthermore, the days you do have will be spent with less energy and more pain if you choose to eat crap and be sedentary. The motivation, the “why”, to exercise and eat nutritious foods in appropriate quantity is present and strong. The bigger mystery is why we choose to ignore the need for proper diet and exercise in the face of obvious requirement.
I would venture to say that everyone's "why" essentially boils down to feeling better (physically and/or emotionally) & extending his/her life. If a person is miserable anyway and hates their life, there's just not a lot to work with.1 -
For me I want to look good on holiday, so when I'm struggling I visualize myself in that bikini on a beach, and how I want to look and feel wearing it. Gets me through tough sessions at the gym, and steers me away from the chocolate aisle at the supermarket. Be kind to yourself, one treat here and there isn't going to hurt, big picture!!1
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Great thread BTW.
Just my experience, I thought weight loss would be the death of fun. What I found though was liberation.3 -
I don't see that anyone has addressed this specifically, but honestly the message that's coming across to me from this thread is that you are not a happy person. I get the sense that even if all the struggles with maintaining your healthy lifestyle were removed, you wouldn't necessarily be satisfied. I'm hearing a job you don't like, a ridiculous commute (that alone would suck the joy out of my life), and surrounded by people that you perceive to be critical. Taking care of yourself sounds like one more obligation you don't want. Maybe it's strictly situational, or maybe it's clinical, but have you ever sought counseling to help you sort things out?
Forgive me if I'm being presumptuous... let's just say your sentiments sound awfully familiar
After I typed this, I saw your comment above, which seems to confirm what I was thinking.
No, not presumptuous: accurate. I was put on a list for counselling years ago, after a three year wait I got twelve sessions, was pronounced "cured" and turfed back out of the system to get by on antidepressants and my own resources. Currently diet and exercise sound like one more task, rather like adding another toilet to be cleaned.
I make and follow through on the decision to go to work every day, but only on the basis of the negative consequences of failing to do so. I genuinely doubt if I have enough mental and emotional strength to commit to one more set of tasks driven by the consequences of failure. TBH, the improved physical fitness side feels like being a farm horse kept in good condition so you can work it harder for longer!2
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