I think friend has eating disorder! Help!
witcherkar
Posts: 138 Member
Hey! So I started back up on my weightloss journey just not with myfitnesspal yet with tracking. I have binge eating disorder and I have very black and white thinking. All or nothing thinking. So with my therapist, I've been working on how to do my diet safely without bingeing or severely restricting. I even have a friend who is on the journey with me who is supposed to follow the advice from my therapist too. I know from the past you can see my disordered thinking and bad relationship with food.
Im looking for advice as I dont see my therapist again for two weeks. (She's out of town.)
I think my diet buddy has an eating disorder as well. She told me she was fasting to clean out her system of toxins. Totally cool.
Now she says shes having money problems for the next couple months and is going to do intermittent fasting (which we talked about because it makes me eat less) so thats okay but she's also talking about going on the oatmeal diet.
Eating on instant oatmeal 1 packet twice a day, plus a prepackaged protein shake and thats it. Im scared for her.
I know that is not enough calories. I've tried first just saying well why dont you add fruits or yogurt or at least one balanced meal at night. Something. She just keeps saying she cant afford it.
For some reason my phone cant add pictures, but i made a budget for her for her food and showed her how fresh food and meat will fit into her budget and is so much more healthy. She tried to even be like me and rationalize thay because she's having a protein shake a multivitamin/mineral everyday that she will be healthy. But her calories are only going to be 500 a day if that. Only thing she plans on drinking is water too. Idk what else to do. I been down that road and yall have helped me. Im hoping y'all could WITHOUT BASHING MY FRIEND PLEASE, help me convince her maybe with comments. Maybe she just doesnt believe me because im overweight still? I'm just so worried. I know endorsing eating disorders is not allowed, but im asking for help, so please message me or comment before reporting me. I didn't know who else to turn to. I cant go to my own doctor for someone else. I cant help someone who doesn't want help. I'm hoping she's like me and the comments of other people who have been through this or who have knowledge will be enough to convince her. Tell me what to do. (P.s. She is 24, married with two daughters; 4 year old and almost 1 year old. She is somewhere is the 200 pound range. She won't tell me which im respecting. Since I'm in a wheelchair and have been sick with pneumonia and my tracheal stenosis is worse than anything lately (I have surgery on wednesday the 16th for it) I havent been able to do extra exercises which is usually resistance bands, so she is also not doing extra exercising than what her normal day is. Im around 300 pounds and 22. Not that that matters, just hoping to put it into perspective.)
Please help me guys. Thank you soooo much in advance. Ill take anything I can get except any bashing or anything mean. I genuinely need help and didnt know where else to turn to besides the experts.
Im looking for advice as I dont see my therapist again for two weeks. (She's out of town.)
I think my diet buddy has an eating disorder as well. She told me she was fasting to clean out her system of toxins. Totally cool.
Now she says shes having money problems for the next couple months and is going to do intermittent fasting (which we talked about because it makes me eat less) so thats okay but she's also talking about going on the oatmeal diet.
Eating on instant oatmeal 1 packet twice a day, plus a prepackaged protein shake and thats it. Im scared for her.
I know that is not enough calories. I've tried first just saying well why dont you add fruits or yogurt or at least one balanced meal at night. Something. She just keeps saying she cant afford it.
For some reason my phone cant add pictures, but i made a budget for her for her food and showed her how fresh food and meat will fit into her budget and is so much more healthy. She tried to even be like me and rationalize thay because she's having a protein shake a multivitamin/mineral everyday that she will be healthy. But her calories are only going to be 500 a day if that. Only thing she plans on drinking is water too. Idk what else to do. I been down that road and yall have helped me. Im hoping y'all could WITHOUT BASHING MY FRIEND PLEASE, help me convince her maybe with comments. Maybe she just doesnt believe me because im overweight still? I'm just so worried. I know endorsing eating disorders is not allowed, but im asking for help, so please message me or comment before reporting me. I didn't know who else to turn to. I cant go to my own doctor for someone else. I cant help someone who doesn't want help. I'm hoping she's like me and the comments of other people who have been through this or who have knowledge will be enough to convince her. Tell me what to do. (P.s. She is 24, married with two daughters; 4 year old and almost 1 year old. She is somewhere is the 200 pound range. She won't tell me which im respecting. Since I'm in a wheelchair and have been sick with pneumonia and my tracheal stenosis is worse than anything lately (I have surgery on wednesday the 16th for it) I havent been able to do extra exercises which is usually resistance bands, so she is also not doing extra exercising than what her normal day is. Im around 300 pounds and 22. Not that that matters, just hoping to put it into perspective.)
Please help me guys. Thank you soooo much in advance. Ill take anything I can get except any bashing or anything mean. I genuinely need help and didnt know where else to turn to besides the experts.
9
Replies
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You can't help her.
She needs therapy, and that's on her.
Love her, and refuse to discuss anything food or exercise related.30 -
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. Let her know that you're worried about her becoming sick and encourage her to talk to her doctor about her diet plans. Try to just be a supportive friend and someone she can open up to, if she chooses to.
You can drive yourself crazy trying to set her down the right path, but until she's willing, it's a fruitless effort.7 -
If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.5
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Restriction is different from BED, in that to the person doing it, it feels good -- it's what's called egosyntonic. It makes sense to the person, even though it makes no sense to anyone around him/her. Nothing you are going to say to her is going to make her brain stop and go "Oh, maybe this is a problem." She's going to have to get there on her own, and with a therapist. (And, frankly, as someone who does restrict, if someone that overweight came to me and said "You're not eating enough! This is a problem!" I'd be side-eyeing you to the end of the moon and beyond, because obviously you wouldn't think I was eating enough.)
All you can do is be there for her, and support her. She's smart enough to know what she's doing, and to her, restriction is the only path that makes sense. Encourage her to talk to a physician, and talk to a therapist, but that's really all you can do.7 -
I think you need to take a deep breath and a step back from this, to be honest.
This sounds like a woman with some very misguided ideas on what is required to lose weight, but it also sounds like a woman with a lot of plans for what she thinks she wants to do, who is not actually doing these things. She "plans" to eat a certain way and is "going to" to do these things, but she is not doing them and/or is not doing them consistently. I'm not saying that there is no issue here, but I am saying that a lot of obese people do end up making all these kinds of wildly restrictive plans for weight loss, but not actually following through with them because they are frankly incredibly difficult to stick to.
All you can do as a concerned friend at this point is to help her find the information on how weight loss works (her total daily energy expenditure, reasonable calorie deficit, ways to accurately track calories, etc), encourage her to talk to to her doctor and get a referral to a registered dietitian for real expert advice, and continue to voice your concerns should she actually attempt a 500 calorie/day diet.
But truthfully, at this point is sounds like it is all talk, and talk by someone who just doesn't know better. A 200+ woman can lose quite a bit of weight on a very reasonable amount of calories, even if she is sedentary, and there is no need whatsoever to be dropping her calories lower than 1200/day. She will likely lose on 1500, 1800, maybe even 2000 as long as she is accurate and consistent with tracking.3 -
If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.
I live right down the road from the food bank but i cant drive because if my reason for being in a wheelchair. But we have figured out how to hook up the little red wagon to my wheelchair. Maybe I can go get food for her and her husband can come pick up the food after work. I know they only have 1 car right now too and her husband just transitioned jobs and thats the money problem so you think if I get food and give it to her husband after he gets off work, she will listen then? Or am i crossing a boundary? (I have problems knowing where my boundaries are.)1 -
And it's not just emaciated people who face these consequences- it's many others. Is that how your friend wants to end up? Remember, EDs can affect people of all sizes.
This. You can have a restrictive eating disorder without being underweight. Just because someone is overweight doesn't make it "all talk".
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witcherkar wrote: »If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.
I live right down the road from the food bank but i cant drive because if my reason for being in a wheelchair. But we have figured out how to hook up the little red wagon to my wheelchair. Maybe I can go get food for her and her husband can come pick up the food after work. I know they only have 1 car right now too and her husband just transitioned jobs and thats the money problem so you think if I get food and give it to her husband after he gets off work, she will listen then? Or am i crossing a boundary? (I have problems knowing where my boundaries are.)
I can tell you truly care about your friend, but I'd do as already suggested and step back from the situation a bit. She has children so if they really need food then I'm sure she'll make sure the kids are fed and can get food from the food bank or wherever herself. Given your limited mobility I'd strongly suggest not to take this burden upon yourself.
Also, she may talk about seriously restricting food, but very few people actually follow through or stick with it. Hopefully, she won't be able to do the "diet" she's planning because as another poster said, that's how her ED got started. More than likely, this is something your friend is going to have to learn through trial and error.6 -
witcherkar wrote: »If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.
I live right down the road from the food bank but i cant drive because if my reason for being in a wheelchair. But we have figured out how to hook up the little red wagon to my wheelchair. Maybe I can go get food for her and her husband can come pick up the food after work. I know they only have 1 car right now too and her husband just transitioned jobs and thats the money problem so you think if I get food and give it to her husband after he gets off work, she will listen then? Or am i crossing a boundary? (I have problems knowing where my boundaries are.)
You're crossing a boundary.
You can't care more than she does.11 -
witcherkar wrote: »If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.
I live right down the road from the food bank but i cant drive because if my reason for being in a wheelchair. But we have figured out how to hook up the little red wagon to my wheelchair. Maybe I can go get food for her and her husband can come pick up the food after work. I know they only have 1 car right now too and her husband just transitioned jobs and thats the money problem so you think if I get food and give it to her husband after he gets off work, she will listen then? Or am i crossing a boundary? (I have problems knowing where my boundaries are.)
You're crossing a boundary. You can't fix this for her.
If she is triggering you, take a step back. But this isn't about the food, and making it all about the food just makes it worse.5 -
collectingblues wrote: »And it's not just emaciated people who face these consequences- it's many others. Is that how your friend wants to end up? Remember, EDs can affect people of all sizes.
This. You can have a restrictive eating disorder without being underweight. Just because someone is overweight doesn't make it "all talk".
When I was an inpatient for anorexia binge/ purge my BMI was 16 and I was by far the lightest one there.2 -
witcherkar wrote: »If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.
I live right down the road from the food bank but i cant drive because if my reason for being in a wheelchair. But we have figured out how to hook up the little red wagon to my wheelchair. Maybe I can go get food for her and her husband can come pick up the food after work. I know they only have 1 car right now too and her husband just transitioned jobs and thats the money problem so you think if I get food and give it to her husband after he gets off work, she will listen then? Or am i crossing a boundary? (I have problems knowing where my boundaries are.)
It's at least worth a try. If their situation is that desperate, then I can see putting in this kind of effort.1 -
witcherkar wrote: »If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.
I live right down the road from the food bank but i cant drive because if my reason for being in a wheelchair. But we have figured out how to hook up the little red wagon to my wheelchair. Maybe I can go get food for her and her husband can come pick up the food after work. I know they only have 1 car right now too and her husband just transitioned jobs and thats the money problem so you think if I get food and give it to her husband after he gets off work, she will listen then? Or am i crossing a boundary? (I have problems knowing where my boundaries are.)
If You're really friends, and it's really about money, and you can really afford to help.
I don't see it as necessarily a boundary issue. Her husband might.
Men can get prickly that way, especially if you're her friend and not their friend.1 -
What do you mean when you say your friend "is supposed to follow the advice of my therapist too"? Is it her therapist as well?7
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Where is the husband in all of this? I should think he would care enough to get proper food for his children.
And as others have said, it’s unlikely that she can stick to her oatmeal diet plan.
You might also remind her that she can get a huge tub of oats to cook for the price of one box of instant.3 -
Don't go to the food bank for her. That is crossing a boundary. They (the husband and wife) will have to sort this out. It's not your business. If you make it your business, where do you stop with this?3
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What do you mean when you say your friend "is supposed to follow the advice of my therapist too"? Is it her therapist as well?
^^This.
OP, if this was your therapist's recommendation (or even if it wasn't) that you have a friend that is supposed to be following the therapist's advice, you should discuss this situation with your therapist the next you see her, because your friend isn't following your therapist's advice "not to binge or restrict". You should check with your therapist about whether it is risky for you to be so involved in the food choices of someone who is going down the restriction path, when apparently the idea was that she would help reinforce the positive changes you're working on with your therapist.
It's good to help other people, but just as in a depressurized airplane cabin, you need to get your oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help others.
8 -
cmriverside wrote: »Don't go to the food bank for her. That is crossing a boundary. They (the husband and wife) will have to sort this out. It's not your business. If you make it your business, where do you stop with this?
Indeed. So if sending food and money to africa is acceptable to be someones business but starving people here.. too bad?
If you really want to help you can make an offer to help but in the end it is up to her to accept the help. Definitely dont force yourself into the situation.3 -
I'd point your friend to all the frugal eating threads here (many), give her the number/address for food assistance, loan her some money, offer to buy her some groceries or invite her over for dinners if you can afford it. If she rejects all of that she is making a clear choice to undereat.
Talk to your friend that you are concerned that her plan is disordered. You could share some of what you struggled with or some web sites about disordered eating. If she has a spouse or other close person maybe you could speak to them about your concern for her health.
If she really wants to just eat oatmeal and shakes let her go. Tell her you can't be a part of her journey because her sort of very low calorie restrictive plan triggers disordered thoughts and you can't go there again. As you say in your post you can't help someone who does not want help.
Some MFP threads you may find useful to share with her on low budget eating:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10518784/healthy-food-choice-on-a-budget/p1
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10500423/costing-a-lot-more-money-to-eat-healthier/p1
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10490067/most-healthy-food-options-are-very-expensive-and-im-on-a-very-poor-budget-what-to-do/p1
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10614805/need-quick-cheap-nutritious-food#latest
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10666103/only-have-150-a-month-for-food-help/p2
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10635985/25-weekly-food-budget/p1
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10020804/looking-for-vegetarian-recipes#latest
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10142490/a-list-of-calorie-dense-foods/p1
Low budget menu planning and recipes:
http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/40dollarmenu.htm
http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/70dollarmenu.htm
http://www.budgetbytes.com
http://www.sixsistersstuff.com/2013/03/35-meatless-meals.html
http://www.meatlessmonday.com/favorite-recipes/
http://www.lentils.org/recipes-cooking/recipes/
I hope your friend changes her plans. If she has money for shakes and vitamins she could put that toward actual food.3 -
witcherkar wrote: »If this is really a no money situation, there are food banks and stuff that can help fill the gap til some money comes in. If this is really an ED situation, she will make excuses not to try food bank/church/etc.
I live right down the road from the food bank but i cant drive because if my reason for being in a wheelchair. But we have figured out how to hook up the little red wagon to my wheelchair. Maybe I can go get food for her and her husband can come pick up the food after work. I know they only have 1 car right now too and her husband just transitioned jobs and thats the money problem so you think if I get food and give it to her husband after he gets off work, she will listen then? Or am i crossing a boundary? (I have problems knowing where my boundaries are.)
If his wife is literally starving herself because of money woes, he needs to get his own *kitten* to the food bank. I would let a family member know your concerns, then back off.4
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