New, don't know what to do
mitchkelly2446
Posts: 38 Member
OK, I'll start with a description of my life. I need a chink I can leverage to try to improve.
I get up woken up at six o’clock every morning after about seven hours of low-quality sleep. I get up, shower, breakfast and do some unpleasant chores around the home. I leave my house just after seven o’clock, and drive for about ninety minutes.
I’m on site at work for eight and a half hours. I don’t get a break, I’m constantly being called on , in a high-stress environment where we are over-worked, under-resourced and every decision is subject to legal oversight and sanction.
At five or after I drive for another ninety minutes. At this point I can go to the gym. I’ve been out of the house for nearly twelve hours, haven’t eaten anything since lunchtime except a piece of fruit 90 minutes before, I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and at this point I can go to the gym!
Unsurprisingly, my workouts are short and of poor quality. The gym has plenty of equipment, but no trainer/coach, I don’t know anyone and because my workout times are subject to change without notice, I don’t have a buddy (or even anyone to spot weights most of the time).
I then drive a further 20 minutes home, choke down a bland, low-calorie meal that has probably been left to warm in the oven. The alternative is cook myself and eat at about half past eight. Around this I have more jobs, chores and tasks, so on a good night I get an hour for hobbies before falling into bed. And repeat...
Note that this gives me essentially NO time with my wife (never mind 15 hours quality time per week!), family or friends (such as I have).
My diet, 1700 cal/day, zealously measured (actually doing this is a massive chore and a further drag on time and energy) leaves me drained of energy. I eat vast amounts of fruit, leafy vegetables and “sensible” portions of meat/fish, drink water like a hole in the sand and feel absolutely enervated. My weight loss rate is glacially slow.
I start off most days feeling tired and end them practically on my hands and knees feeling like the bottom of a bird cage. This is at the absolute limit of what I can sustain in the summer. In winter, when I go for days without seeing daylight, it’s bitterly cold and the roads are treacherous with ice, it’s like a war of attrition.
My total available discretionary spending per month for everything (clothes, hobbies, gym membership etc) is £100. The gym alone eats 20% of it, and a coffee once per week would chew up another 20%. I can’t give up my job, as having my family on the street isn’t really an option and two years looking for something nearer home has got me nowhere.
Is there something basic in all of this that can make me feel better that I’m missing?
I get up woken up at six o’clock every morning after about seven hours of low-quality sleep. I get up, shower, breakfast and do some unpleasant chores around the home. I leave my house just after seven o’clock, and drive for about ninety minutes.
I’m on site at work for eight and a half hours. I don’t get a break, I’m constantly being called on , in a high-stress environment where we are over-worked, under-resourced and every decision is subject to legal oversight and sanction.
At five or after I drive for another ninety minutes. At this point I can go to the gym. I’ve been out of the house for nearly twelve hours, haven’t eaten anything since lunchtime except a piece of fruit 90 minutes before, I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and at this point I can go to the gym!
Unsurprisingly, my workouts are short and of poor quality. The gym has plenty of equipment, but no trainer/coach, I don’t know anyone and because my workout times are subject to change without notice, I don’t have a buddy (or even anyone to spot weights most of the time).
I then drive a further 20 minutes home, choke down a bland, low-calorie meal that has probably been left to warm in the oven. The alternative is cook myself and eat at about half past eight. Around this I have more jobs, chores and tasks, so on a good night I get an hour for hobbies before falling into bed. And repeat...
Note that this gives me essentially NO time with my wife (never mind 15 hours quality time per week!), family or friends (such as I have).
My diet, 1700 cal/day, zealously measured (actually doing this is a massive chore and a further drag on time and energy) leaves me drained of energy. I eat vast amounts of fruit, leafy vegetables and “sensible” portions of meat/fish, drink water like a hole in the sand and feel absolutely enervated. My weight loss rate is glacially slow.
I start off most days feeling tired and end them practically on my hands and knees feeling like the bottom of a bird cage. This is at the absolute limit of what I can sustain in the summer. In winter, when I go for days without seeing daylight, it’s bitterly cold and the roads are treacherous with ice, it’s like a war of attrition.
My total available discretionary spending per month for everything (clothes, hobbies, gym membership etc) is £100. The gym alone eats 20% of it, and a coffee once per week would chew up another 20%. I can’t give up my job, as having my family on the street isn’t really an option and two years looking for something nearer home has got me nowhere.
Is there something basic in all of this that can make me feel better that I’m missing?
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Replies
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I would pick one or two things to address and begin making a plan to address those. You can't fix everything in your life at once, but you can make great progress on 1-2 things within a reasonable period of time and this could help you feel better about your life.
Looking at your description of your life, a few things jump out.
Why is your sleep low quality? Is there anything you can to do address that?
Why are your meals bland? Is there an option to meal prep on your day off and have better tasting food throughout the week?
If the gym isn't helping you meet your fitness needs, would you be better off without it and doing activities closer to home? You might enjoy them more and you'd save some money.
These are just the things *I* might focus on, there might be other things that are greater contributors to your unhappiness that you could address first.5 -
Do you prepare your meals in advance on the weekend and hold them frozen until your workday? Such as that could reduce your food prep time during the week.
Could you think of moving to a residence closer to your work? That 3 hours of unpaid daily travel is costing you money and lifespan.3 -
What did you feel was missed in your last thread? We established that you are very depressed and not at liberty (in your opinion) to change your treatment options. I don't recall if you ever replied about your most recent physical and if there were possibly other medical issues at play. It was discussed that the gym/exercise doesn't need to be a priority if you don't want it to be. I don't remember you mentioning your issue with logging... that I really don't get. It takes a couple of minutes a day to log, especially when we are eating the same basic foods from day to day.
I'm not sure what else you could be looking for?
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Sadly, my "days off" have so many calls on my time that the only way I can batch cook meals would be to give up all pretence of rest and relaxation. Moving house isn't an option, as me handing off the commute to my wife and college-age daughter might help me but isn't an improvement overall. The meals are bland because vegetables, fruit and simply cooked lean meat and fish are basically bland. Most fruits/vegetables are either somewhat tasteless or have flavours that are actively unpleasant. Slathering them with salt/pepper/tabasco just makes them taste uniformly salty/peppery or hot.
Other than the gym I'm not sure what fitness activities I can do. I live seven miles from a small town in the middle of nowhere with no facilities other than a potholed road populated by people for whom speed limits are more a guideline...1 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »Sadly, my "days off" have so many calls on my time that the only way I can batch cook meals would be to give up all pretence of rest and relaxation. Moving house isn't an option, as me handing off the commute to my wife and college-age daughter might help me but isn't an improvement overall. The meals are bland because vegetables, fruit and simply cooked lean meat and fish are basically bland. Most fruits/vegetables are either somewhat tasteless or have flavours that are actively unpleasant. Slathering them with salt/pepper/tabasco just makes them taste uniformly salty/peppery or hot.
Other than the gym I'm not sure what fitness activities I can do. I live seven miles from a small town in the middle of nowhere with no facilities other than a potholed road populated by people for whom speed limits are more a guideline...
What do you like to eat? I'm unclear on why you can't eat that. I mean, if you don't like any fruits or vegetables, it might be difficult to meet your nutritional needs . . . but that might be preferable to choking down food you hate. Or maybe try some seasoning beyond salt, pepper, and Tabasco? There's a whole world of flavors out there . . .
Without a gym you can do body weight resistance training and YouTube fitness videos (there are all sorts of aerobic activities on there as well as things like yoga). Although you may not be able to walk or run in your own neighborhood, there may be places you can drive to that are safe to run and walk that are closer than your gym. Even if the options aren't great, they're probably better than a lackluster gym session that you aren't enjoying anyway.2 -
What did you feel was missed in your last thread? We established that you are very depressed and not at liberty (in your opinion) to change your treatment options. I don't recall if you ever replied about your most recent physical and if there were possibly other medical issues at play. It was discussed that the gym/exercise doesn't need to be a priority if you don't want it to be. I don't remember you mentioning your issue with logging... that I really don't get. It takes a couple of minutes a day to log, especially when we are eating the same basic foods from day to day.
I'm not sure what else you could be looking for?
Ten minutes per day on top of everything else just feels like one more chore. As for "not at liberty" to change my medication, I'm not sure how it works in other countries, but in the UK, a doctor has to writer a prescription based on their medical opinion and current prescribing guidelines. I don't get a say, other than to not take what's offered. I had an EEG last year which was fine, but basically noone hereK gets a "physical". There's no regular checkups, even for chronic patients unless you go along with a specific set of symptoms you want looking at.0 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »What did you feel was missed in your last thread? We established that you are very depressed and not at liberty (in your opinion) to change your treatment options. I don't recall if you ever replied about your most recent physical and if there were possibly other medical issues at play. It was discussed that the gym/exercise doesn't need to be a priority if you don't want it to be. I don't remember you mentioning your issue with logging... that I really don't get. It takes a couple of minutes a day to log, especially when we are eating the same basic foods from day to day.
I'm not sure what else you could be looking for?
Ten minutes per day on top of everything else just feels like one more chore. As for "not at liberty" to change my medication, I'm not sure how it works in other countries, but in the UK, a doctor has to writer a prescription based on their medical opinion and current prescribing guidelines. I don't get a say, other than to not take what's offered. I had an EEG last year which was fine, but basically noone hereK gets a "physical". There's no regular checkups, even for chronic patients unless you go along with a specific set of symptoms you want looking at.
Though it's likely related to the depression, the extreme fatigue you describe is a specific symptom. You should have your thyroid levels checked, among other things. I can't speak to the health care system in the UK, but in the US, we have to have follow-ups when we are on medication for chronic conditions. If a person reported being severely depressed and fatigued despite their medication, other options would be considered.
You know from our previous interaction that I have a great deal of empathy for you. My comments are not intended to berate or criticize, but are from a genuine place of concern.5 -
Your job sounds similar to the one I was in about 6 months back (except I didn't have as long of a commute, I just spent those extra hours working). I was working so much that in order to get family time, I sacrificed my gym time. The job change is what is helping me drastically. While I did initially gain weight due to switching from being on my feet 10-11 hours a day to a 9-5 desk job, I am now able to make time for the gym 3 days a week and workout on the weekends. The change in jobs has helped me have more mental capacity to focus on "me" that I didn't have at my last job. I know you say you have been looking for something else, but have you considered moving for a job? I'm not sure about in UK but in America you can always negotiate a relocating or sign on bonus to help with moving costs and they can be willing to help sell your house as well.
When I am in a good gym/workout routine I find is when I sleep best. I'm guessing that the reason you are having trouble sleeping is because you are having trouble "turning off" your brain. I know this is easier said than done, but try to find a way to leave your work issues at work. Train and empower your team to be more self-sufficient so they do not need to call you for every single issue. This takes a lot of personal development when you have control issues (having the mindset that if you want it done right, do it yourself). It takes more time in the beginning getting your team set up to succeed, but it pays off greatly in the long run.
I took some of what you said to be similar to my own personal experiences, so I may be off in what you are actually going through. Those are just some things I am working on/have done. Hope some of this was helpful!0 -
Cassandraw3 wrote: »Your job sounds similar to the one I was in about 6 months back (except I didn't have as long of a commute, I just spent those extra hours working). I was working so much that in order to get family time, I sacrificed my gym time. The job change is what is helping me drastically. While I did initially gain weight due to switching from being on my feet 10-11 hours a day to a 9-5 desk job, I am now able to make time for the gym 3 days a week and workout on the weekends. The change in jobs has helped me have more mental capacity to focus on "me" that I didn't have at my last job. I know you say you have been looking for something else, but have you considered moving for a job? I'm not sure about in UK but in America you can always negotiate a relocating or sign on bonus to help with moving costs and they can be willing to help sell your house as well.
When I am in a good gym/workout routine I find is when I sleep best. I'm guessing that the reason you are having trouble sleeping is because you are having trouble "turning off" your brain. I know this is easier said than done, but try to find a way to leave your work issues at work. Train and empower your team to be more self-sufficient so they do not need to call you for every single issue. This takes a lot of personal development when you have control issues (having the mindset that if you want it done right, do it yourself). It takes more time in the beginning getting your team set up to succeed, but it pays off greatly in the long run.
I took some of what you said to be similar to my own personal experiences, so I may be off in what you are actually going through. Those are just some things I am working on/have done. Hope some of this was helpful!
Thanks. I don't think anybody has had a relocation/sign on bonus in the UK in my lifetime.0 -
Your free time is extremely expensive and you should treat it that way. Those unpleasant morning chores can be done by those in your house who do not have a 3 hour daily commute. I can't even imagine wasting time and money at a gym when you get nothing out of it. Find a place near your home to take a nice walk so that it is optional.
Here is something else that makes NO sense to me.mitchkelly2446 wrote: »choke down a bland, low-calorie meal that has probably been left to warm in the oven. The alternative is cook myself and eat at about half past eight.
That is the only alternative? How can that be? Can't you ask the person preparing your meal to add flavor? A very simple addition of garlic powder, onion powder, and paprika can do wonders for quite a bit of dishes.
Are you afraid to ask your family for help?
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I do the chores in my home. I cook all my meals. I don't know what 'rest and relaxation' is. I'm not depressed. I have a 30 minute drive to and from work. Depression is pretty much independent of job, family, responsibilities, and anybody else. I just don't have it. You do. I wasn't sure of it when I answered earlier. Your SSRI treatment is one of several slightly different SSRI's available. Can you at least petition your doctor to try a different one?
My wife has been off her meds for 8 days, vomiting everything she eats for 3, and so damnably addicted to duloxetine that I want to murder every scientist who had a part in inventing SSRIs.3 -
Firstly, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you feel so helpless. I really felt the sadness reading your words. Been there, know how it feels.
Is there an option that you cook half of the stuff and your wife cooks the other half? I am sure she has obligations of her own, but I am positive she'd be the first to want what's better for you -- eating healthier and feeling happier.mitchkelly2446 wrote: »Sadly, my "days off" have so many calls on my time that the only way I can batch cook meals would be to give up all pretence of rest and relaxation.
Maybe moving to the area that is halfway from your work and halfway to their college/work?Moving house isn't an option, as me handing off the commute to my wife and college-age daughter might help me but isn't an improvement overall.
You'd be surprised how terrific 'bland' food can taste with some spices added! They don't even need to be fresh (although I do prefer fresh parsley, yum). Basil, celery, pink (Himalayan) salt, chilli, turmeric, curry, ground paprika, fennel seeds...salt and pepper are the basis, but there's a lot more than those two!The meals are bland because vegetables, fruit and simply cooked lean meat and fish are basically bland. Most fruits/vegetables are either somewhat tasteless or have flavours that are actively unpleasant. Slathering them with salt/pepper/tabasco just makes them taste uniformly salty/peppery or hot.
Also, you need healthy fat. Have you tried putting olive oil or pumpkin seed oil over your salad? Pumpkin seed oil is best with beans/onion salad or fresh cabbage salad (you can add fresh tomatoes as well because it goes perfectly with the rest).
Dried rosemary with lemon is superb for fish, as is dill (fresh or not). Shallot goes with basically everything but my favourite is shallot sauce or just sprinkled over potato.
It only takes a few moments to add the spice of your choosing and it changes the taste of the food dramatically.Other than the gym I'm not sure what fitness activities I can do. I live seven miles from a small town in the middle of nowhere with no facilities other than a potholed road populated by people for whom speed limits are more a guideline...
Do you have a basement and/or a back garden? You can install a boxing bag and start boxing. You can put a pull-up bar somewhere in the house as well. There's always an option of ditching the gym altogether and exercising at home (if you don't want to invest in a workout DVD there's plenty of Youtube channels with full exercises).
That way you'd save time and money.
The tone of your post is a bit jaded and low, I am guessing you're not at the highest point in your life right now but you are here, you are asking for advice, you want to change something and that's great! It's a start, for sure.
I started doing yoga five weeks ago after years of dismissing it as something I'd never be into. I was so wrong. It helps me not only to stretch my muscles but also mentally and emotionally. Have you thought of maybe doing yoga several times a week?
It seems like there's a weight on your shoulders that's just too heavy for you. You do need help and it's OK to ask your family to help you.1 -
There are magazines and cookbooks about lighter calorie meals and recipes. Try getting some and going over them with your wife-life is too short to eat food you are not enjoying. If you can't afford them go to your local library-flavorful meals might help raise your spirits just a small bit.0
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first of all I'm very sorry you're in this position. I was in a horrible job for 5 years which was extremely busy & I literally couldn't stop moving or multitasking for my whole shift. I got one 30 min break for dinner & I was afraid to quit & look for something else because my husband had to stop working for medical reasons & I supported us. I got laid off & we're fine now but what I did was bring snacks, mostly some nuts & have some throughout the day. I would also drop the gym at this point as some others said. I go but also do workouts at home, on line from Fitness Blender. They have so many kinds & time lengths to choose from for free. For when I don't have time to cook, I always have weighed out ground chuck & ground turkey in the freezer that i made into patties & sometimes I precook them, sometimes not. We also buy those steamer veggies with the sauces in them, another thing is I buy a few items from Costco that we can microwave but we don't do that often because of the high sodium. I always have yogurt at home too. I use the crockpot often too. blessings to you1
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Try the bodycoach joe wicks work outs on YouTube something for everyone and it’s 20 mins in the house if you do it in the morning it may help you for the day. Look at meals on line you can prepare some pretty decent in 20 mins same time it takes to heat a meal in the oven. Good luck if you want to commit to change you will.0
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I also have a sucky commute most of the week. My day goes something like this-
4:45 wake up and get myself and a child ready for the day. Take child to bus stop and leave.
Get to gym for 30- 35 mins and rush to change into work clothes and then go to work all day.
630pm get done work and change in the car to go serve drinks all evening while my child makes himself dinner and does his homework alone. ( And often Ubers to activities alone)
11pm finally get home from serving drinks and have enough time to brush my teeth and pass out for a few hours until I do it all over again.
I do all this alone because my husband suffers from a medical condition. My love for my child gives me the drive to keep going and caffeine gives me the fuel needed. Do I like it? No way but I do it with a smile because I know life isn't fair. This is the card I was dealt and I gotta deal with it and make the best of it for the sake of my family.
If you can't move then I would look for other things to swap around to make it tolerable. If it's still not tolerable for you maybe let your family know that this arrangement is not working and that you are depressed. Things will not change until you make them change. You can't expect things to get better if you don't try to change them.
I pack all my foods for the day in a lunch box. If I can't make it to the gym in the morning then I go in between jobs . If I'm too tired then I skip it. I keep myself as active as possible during the day so I'm able to eat more. Maybe ask your family to start preparing more exciting meals for you to take, give them a list and see if they can help you. Maybe try working out at home if you aren't happy with your current routine. Tell your family that this schedule is no longer working for you and things must change. Maybe start putting in for jobs closer to home.3 -
mitchkelly2446 wrote: »Sadly, my "days off" have so many calls on my time that the only way I can batch cook meals would be to give up all pretence of rest and relaxation.
Really? A lot of batch-cooked meals just involve doing a bit of chopping to start, and then shoving everything in the pot for a while. That's one of the reasons why curries, stews and rice-and-peas are my go-to; they only take ten minutes of my actual time, and then I can get on with my life while they burble gently to themselves.The meals are bland because vegetables, fruit and simply cooked lean meat and fish are basically bland. Most fruits/vegetables are either somewhat tasteless or have flavours that are actively unpleasant. Slathering them with salt/pepper/tabasco just makes them taste uniformly salty/peppery or hot.
Wow, is someone ever doing cooking wrong.
Are there any vegetables you actually like? Peas, sweetcorn, red peppers, tomato, butternut squash, swede, onion, anything? Why don't you just cook things that use the veg you like?
How about flavours? Do you like curries? Chinese food? Italian? Thai? If so, then why aren't you - or whoever it is who's cooking your dinner - using those herbs and spices?
Tonight, I'll be eating some rice-and-peas from my freezer that I batch cooked a couple of weekends ago. It's absolutely full of flavour - rice and kidney beans cooked with onion, garlic, ginger, coconut milk, thyme and allspice. Tomorrow I'll be having sweet potato and butternut squash curry that I batch cooked - again absolutely full of flavour from chopped tomatoes, ginger, turmeric and garam masala.
There is absolutely no reason for vegetable-based dishes to be bland. If they are, the fault lies with the cook.Other than the gym I'm not sure what fitness activities I can do. I live seven miles from a small town in the middle of nowhere with no facilities other than a potholed road populated by people for whom speed limits are more a guideline...
Does that mean there are wild spaces near you? Commons? Winding pathways to be explored on foot?
Also, bodyweight strength routines require no equipment whatsoever. Take a look at DAREBEE or similar. I regularly do a strength routine in my bedroom, in a clear space about the size of a single bed.
It sounds a lot like you're looking for excuses to fail, rather than ways to succeed.4 -
It sounds a lot like you're looking for excuses to fail, rather than ways to succeed.
That's very common with people who suffer depression. They are trapped in a neverending victim-cycle and don't know how to get out of it.
It's good that the OP is here and is seeking for advice, he's been given many good tips already!
OP, I see you live in the UK. Aldi, Lidl and maybe even Tesco have sports equipment very often that's dirt cheap. I bought dumbbells, a kettlebell, a spuspension trainer and a yoga mat for cca €35 altogether and took those with me when I moved countries. YOu can also buy second hand, although I did very often see they had pull-up bars as well for something like €25.
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sauronseye wrote: »That's very common with people who suffer depression. They are trapped in a neverending victim-cycle and don't know how to get out of it.
I know; I've had several episodes of depression myself. Sometimes I didn't realise that that was what I was doing. I hope having it pointed out gives the OP some impetus to actually follow (or modify) the tips he has been given rather than to continue finding reasons not to.
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I keep coming back to something in your threads that bothers me- the intense focus on your hobbies & "quality time". You said before that you don't have a hard time mustering energy/interest for the things you enjoy, which I think is fairly unusual for people with depression, and keep mentioning you only have 2 hours a day/ 15 hours a week of "quality time" (and you don't seem to count time spent with your family as "quality time"). How much free time do you imagine most people have? I don't have the demanding schedule you do, but my life is full of family and other obligations, and I certainly don't have 15 hours a week to devote to hobbies. I think your viewpoint is a little skewed, to say the least.
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