Mentally tired

capriqueen

Hey guys,

I am just super tired of all the crap going on at home. I'm 27 and live in the US, but my parents and younger sister, who's 19, live in India. My parents just do not get along.

My father has always been an extremely controlling, orthodox, short and hot-tempered person. He has definitely been rational and supportive in some of my most difficult times, but with my mother, he's always abusive and nasty. Things have been this way the past ten years. I have tried to intervene, as does my sister but it never works.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the whole Indian arranged marriage concept. My dad has taken it upon him to find me a husband, but he is over the top orthodox with his parameters. I attribute a lot of this to his long-term inability to take decisions, but despite all the inputs I have been giving him on most of these, things haven't been changing. On top of this, the few who he does contact (all of this takes place on an online portal) reject our interest once they see my photographs.

The heat between my parents just seems to be getting worse. My mom says she can't live there any more, but is conflicted about moving out, and my dad, well, we haven't even confronted him about it. None of my extended family wants to intervene.

I don't know why I am saying all this on a public platform, but I am tired as hell. I just wish I could throw my phone at the wall or something to get this rage out.

Motorsheen

Clever_User_Name wrote: »

Sounds like you might need to cut ties for a while, or end up unhappy like your mom

yeah, maybe not a bad idea.

.... and maybe kick the whole arranged marriage thing to the curb?

capriqueen

Motorsheen wrote: »

Clever_User_Name wrote: »

Sounds like you might need to cut ties for a while, or end up unhappy like your mom

yeah, maybe not a bad idea.

.... and maybe kick the whole arranged marriage thing to the curb?

I am seriously considering that.

Motorsheen

capriqueen wrote: »

Motorsheen wrote: »

Clever_User_Name wrote: »

Sounds like you might need to cut ties for a while, or end up unhappy like your mom

yeah, maybe not a bad idea.

.... and maybe kick the whole arranged marriage thing to the curb?

I am seriously considering that.

what would be the ramifications of that....

... other than a verrrry pissed-off father?

jgnatca

Have a good long think about what you have control over here. You are in a good physical place being so far from home. Are you still financially tied to your father?

There are more ways to be respectful to a family than to simply cave. I agree that your dad is abusive and destructive. But you can’t force him to stop. You also don’t have direct control whether your mom stays or not. Is your sister following you overseas to further her education?

Here are some ideas of things you can do, focusing on things you can control.

- Get full financial independence.
- Sweetly reject any potential suitors you aren’t keen on. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest your mom and maybe your sister to pack an exit bag. When I was abused the very act of planning an exit helped me envision a successful escape.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest to your father that a strong husband with an honourable family never needs to resort to harshness.
- I suggest if he ever blows his top in front of you, to lose the connection.

777Gemma888

jgnatca wrote: »

Have a good long think about what you have control over here. You are in a good physical place being so far from home. Are you still financially tied to your father?

There are more ways to be respectful to a family than to simply cave. I agree that your dad is abusive and destructive. But you can’t force him to stop. You also don’t have direct control whether your mom stays or not. Is your sister following you overseas to further her education?

Here are some ideas of things you can do, focusing on things you can control.

- Get full financial independence.
- Sweetly reject any potential suitors you aren’t keen on. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest your mom and maybe your sister to pack an exit bag. When I was abused the very act of planning an exit helped me envision a successful escape.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest to your father that a strong husband with an honourable family never needs to resort to harshness.
- I suggest if he ever blows his top in front of you, to lose the connection.

OP @bold. These are imperative. My sister and I refused our arranged marriages from birth and were summarily CUT OFF. Be decisive and be prepared to deal with the consequences. Adulting is hard, when and if YOU ARE YOUR OWN SOURCE.

ETA:No source. No Community. No network. No networth. No security/protection. No culture based insurance. In a minute, you lose all privileges.


Thanks jgnatca!

k8eekins

capriqueen wrote: »

Hey guys,

I am just super tired of all the crap going on at home. I'm 27 and live in the US, but my parents and younger sister, who's 19, live in India. My parents just do not get along.

My father has always been an extremely controlling, orthodox, short and hot-tempered person. He has definitely been rational and supportive in some of my most difficult times, but with my mother, he's always abusive and nasty. Things have been this way the past ten years. I have tried to intervene, as does my sister but it never works.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the whole Indian arranged marriage concept. My dad has taken it upon him to find me a husband, but he is over the top orthodox with his parameters. I attribute a lot of this to his long-term inability to take decisions, but despite all the inputs I have been giving him on most of these, things haven't been changing. On top of this, the few who he does contact (all of this takes place on an online portal) reject our interest once they see my photographs.

The heat between my parents just seems to be getting worse. My mom says she can't live there any more, but is conflicted about moving out, and my dad, well, we haven't even confronted him about it. None of my extended family wants to intervene.

I don't know why I am saying all this on a public platform, but I am tired as hell. I just wish I could throw my phone at the wall or something to get this rage out.

Of course you're mentally and emotionally fatigued. How can you not be! The family dramatics (ie "bad rubbish") are to never define you. What is between your parents is solely theirs to handle. Don't allow their toxicity to infect you and curse your impressionable younger sister. Now that you're exposed to the wherewithal of an alternative culture, you'll have doubts. Remember - that the Quality of any committed relationship like marriage, is dependent on how all women choose to affect and direct it. Either you build on it progressively or you'll opt to shatter it implosively, like a Trojan horse. Your Mum and her issues with your father, should bear zero relevance - Do not give it that much weight or it'll destroy you.

The first thing is first. Presently, your status with all prospects to date, is what is. Do not look at it as the devaluation of you. The men opted out, knowing what they'll find agreeable as their bedmate, your dowry, their wife, their partner and the mother of their children. You'd rather that, over any deceptive man, who'll agree for the wrong reasons, which'll corrupt what should prove to be a separation and divorce-proof relationship, shaming your father, you, your family and your relatives.

What's important - is you! Re-examine yourself. Fix what needs to be attended to and approach each negative with realistic immediate mends or overhauls. Harbour only what is good, what is happiness and what is fulfilling for yourself and claim the love match you deserve, as your father applies himself to find you a match. If you're blessed enough - a love marriage, outside your cultural norms, investing in yourself and being all about your own personal growth as a woman, separate from your identity as your father's child, your mother's eldest daughter and your sibling's big sister will do you a lot of good. Neutralise, declutter and simplify, for the clarity of thought you need, to decide what is best for you. This is your life. What are your deal makers? What does that look like? Switch it up. What about your deal breakers? What do they look like?

capriqueen

888sisters_weight888 wrote: »

capriqueen wrote: »

Hey guys,

I am just super tired of all the crap going on at home. I'm 27 and live in the US, but my parents and younger sister, who's 19, live in India. My parents just do not get along.

My father has always been an extremely controlling, orthodox, short and hot-tempered person. He has definitely been rational and supportive in some of my most difficult times, but with my mother, he's always abusive and nasty. Things have been this way the past ten years. I have tried to intervene, as does my sister but it never works.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the whole Indian arranged marriage concept. My dad has taken it upon him to find me a husband, but he is over the top orthodox with his parameters. I attribute a lot of this to his long-term inability to take decisions, but despite all the inputs I have been giving him on most of these, things haven't been changing. On top of this, the few who he does contact (all of this takes place on an online portal) reject our interest once they see my photographs.

The heat between my parents just seems to be getting worse. My mom says she can't live there any more, but is conflicted about moving out, and my dad, well, we haven't even confronted him about it. None of my extended family wants to intervene.

I don't know why I am saying all this on a public platform, but I am tired as hell. I just wish I could throw my phone at the wall or something to get this rage out.

Of course you're mentally and emotionally fatigued. How can you not be! The family dramatics (ie "bad rubbish") are to never define you. What is between your parents is solely theirs to handle. Don't allow their toxicity to infect you and curse your impressionable younger sister. Now that you're exposed to the wherewithal of an alternative culture, you'll have doubts. Remember - that the Quality of any committed relationship like marriage, is dependent on how all women choose to affect and direct it. Either you build on it progressively or you'll opt to shatter it implosively, like a Trojan horse. Your Mum and her issues with your father, should bear zero relevance - Do not give it that much weight or it'll destroy you.

The first thing is first. Presently, your status with all prospects to date, is what is. Do not look at it as the devaluation of you. The men opted out, knowing what they'll find agreeable as their bedmate, your dowry, their wife, their partner and the mother of their children. You'd rather that, over any deceptive man, who'll agree for the wrong reasons, which'll corrupt what should prove to be a separation and divorce-proof relationship, shaming your father, you, your family and your relatives.

What's important - is you! Re-examine yourself. Fix what needs to be attended to and approach each negative with realistic immediate mends or overhauls. Harbour only what is good, what is happiness and what is fulfilling for yourself and claim the love match you deserve, as your father applies himself to find you a match. If you're blessed enough - a love marriage, outside your cultural norms, investing in yourself and being all about your own personal growth as a woman, separate from your identity as your father's child, your mother's eldest daughter and your sibling's big sister will do you a lot of good. Neutralise, declutter and simplify, for the clarity of thought you need, to decide what is best for you. This is your life. What are your deal makers? What does that look like? Switch it up. What about your deal breakers? What do they look like?

@888sisters_weight888 Thank you so much for being so supportive. This marriage of theirs has been down in the dumps since I was 18. I know it can't be mine to handle, but I just can't bear to see her like that-- or my sister, who frequently complains about the constant negativity in the house. And I remember how much the negativity weighed down my personality and reflected on my behaviour, social interactions and general outlook on life- the last thing I would want it to do is effect my sister.

I guess the devaluation arises from my already low self-esteem. I got practical and started losing weight- I can't change my facial features but I can feel better about myself! I started pursuing some of my interests and diverting my attention from this whole marriage process- while telling myself that people have their preferences and there's not much I can do about it. I try to work on my negative habits and basically harbor a healthy, realistic approach to life. But sometimes all it takes is a rejection, a phone call home, to defuse the optimism.

As for deal breakers, I cannot stand overly orthodox people who impose their beliefs on people around them and treat women like property. That's right, it's after seeing my mom. I maybe traditional in certain matters but I sure as hell don't influence/judge people around me, I expect the same.

Probably the one deal maker (or breaker?) is that I thought it would be ideal to have a guy who's two inches taller, at least, which is 5'9. Right now, that's the only "superficial" nitpicking I have.

capriqueen

jgnatca wrote: »

Have a good long think about what you have control over here. You are in a good physical place being so far from home. Are you still financially tied to your father?

There are more ways to be respectful to a family than to simply cave. I agree that your dad is abusive and destructive. But you can’t force him to stop. You also don’t have direct control whether your mom stays or not. Is your sister following you overseas to further her education?

Here are some ideas of things you can do, focusing on things you can control.

- Get full financial independence.
- Sweetly reject any potential suitors you aren’t keen on. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest your mom and maybe your sister to pack an exit bag. When I was abused the very act of planning an exit helped me envision a successful escape.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest to your father that a strong husband with an honourable family never needs to resort to harshness.
- I suggest if he ever blows his top in front of you, to lose the connection.

Thanks @jgnatca

I have been encouraging my sister to travel overseas, or at least move out home. I guess she will be taking that leap next year, but I am looking at colleges here for her future.

I am financially independent. I have a full-time job, so no worries there.

I have been, when the opportunity arises, rejecting men who I do not see a future with, although this has only happened twice and I carefully deliberated both times.

The idea of an exit bag sounds excellent, duly noted!

I would love to suggest that to him, tried in the past, have to buck up now to say it.

This, definitely. In the past his blowing his top just led to more screaming matches, now that I don't live home they don't occur with him any more, and he is usually very civil when he speaks to me.

capriqueen

777Gemma888 wrote: »

jgnatca wrote: »

Have a good long think about what you have control over here. You are in a good physical place being so far from home. Are you still financially tied to your father?

There are more ways to be respectful to a family than to simply cave. I agree that your dad is abusive and destructive. But you can’t force him to stop. You also don’t have direct control whether your mom stays or not. Is your sister following you overseas to further her education?

Here are some ideas of things you can do, focusing on things you can control.

- Get full financial independence.
- Sweetly reject any potential suitors you aren’t keen on. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest your mom and maybe your sister to pack an exit bag. When I was abused the very act of planning an exit helped me envision a successful escape.
- If the opportunity presents itself suggest to your father that a strong husband with an honourable family never needs to resort to harshness.
- I suggest if he ever blows his top in front of you, to lose the connection.

OP @bold. These are imperative. My sister and I refused our arranged marriages from birth and were summarily CUT OFF. Be decisive and be prepared to deal with the consequences. Adulting is hard, when and if YOU ARE YOUR OWN SOURCE.

ETA:No source. No Community. No network. No networth. No security/protection. No culture based insurance. In a minute, you lose all privileges.


Thanks jgnatca!

Like you I should have refused the arranged marriage too. Like an effing "obedient" kid I didn't get into relationships, stayed away from general social contact out of a mix of introversion, low self-esteem and the conservative atmosphere at home.

JeromeBarry1

I read more of your replies. At this point, I understand that you are not living in your father's house. What you want is what you can't do, and that's to 'save' your mother and sister.
You don't understand the marriage of your parents and you don't understand the issues your mother is dealing with, even if she tells you. This goes way back before you were born.
You and your sister, though, are going through the same crap everybody else does trying to find agency while their parents still live. In the natural order of things, they die, and you win. Eventually.

777Gemma888

capriqueen wrote: »

Like you I should have refused the arranged marriage too. Like an effing "obedient" kid I didn't get into relationships, stayed away from general social contact out of a mix of introversion, low self-esteem and the conservative atmosphere at home.

Delighted you've delineated yourself from the myopic vista of the dictates of culture and its expectations, which can be taxing on your whole being.

Western culture is incredibly freeing. So proud of you. [Hugs]

Go easy on your Dad. You don't want to fight him as hard as I did mine, only to have mine pass away 2 weeks later, without an apology from me to him nor him to me. I will always regret that. The orthodoxy of his/their upbringing makes them short sighted to everything when it comes to us their children. Eta: Oftentimes, the belief is that when we opt out, we're rejecting EVERYTHING they represent and NOT just the culture. An abandonment of sorts.

I trust, if your sister is anything like you, she'll figure out her own path.

k8eekins

capriqueen wrote: »

@888sisters_weight888 Thank you so much for being so supportive. This marriage of theirs has been down in the dumps since I was 18. I know it can't be mine to handle, but I just can't bear to see her like that-- or my sister, who frequently complains about the constant negativity in the house. And I remember how much the negativity weighed down my personality and reflected on my behaviour, social interactions and general outlook on life- the last thing I would want it to do is effect my sister.

I guess the devaluation arises from my already low self-esteem. I got practical and started losing weight- I can't change my facial features but I can feel better about myself! I started pursuing some of my interests and diverting my attention from this whole marriage process - while telling myself that people have their preferences and there's not much I can do about it. I try to work on my negative habits and basically harbor a healthy, realistic approach to life. But sometimes all it takes is a rejection, a phone call home, to defuse the optimism.

As for deal breakers, I cannot stand overly orthodox people who impose their beliefs on people around them and treat women like property. That's right, it's after seeing my mom. I maybe traditional in certain matters but I sure as hell don't influence/judge people around me, I expect the same.

Probably the one deal maker (or breaker?) is that I thought it would be ideal to have a guy who's two inches taller, at least, which is 5'9. Right now, that's the only "superficial" nitpicking I have.

I could not resist imparting my sisterly myfitnesspal community style support, with my knowledge base of your heritage from whence I was born in NW India. I'm going to kickstart with a term, you'll need to accurately apply, so you can analyse the intentions behind all manner of selective sharings directed at you: Energy vampires. Yes - yes - yes - yes - was how I was encouraged to be, dutiful and obedient and always agreeable. Once awakened to a realisation (ie "what is respect: what is love: what is commitment: what is loyalty: what is trust: what is family"), having seen TMIs (a man I was arranged to, 17 years my senior) when home for my semester breaks, shutting out negative-pronged staples in my life then was a decision I'd made, when I'd realised truths which were difficult for me to swallow; My happiness and the quality of life I'd grown accustomed to, of what I'd valued, meant distance and isolation from what is familiar. That was terribly difficult.

With where you are at this very moment, from the ardours of your very own efforts, fortunately financially independent, apply the very same approach you'd managed to reach independence to owning your face. Celebrate your unique beauty. A huge positive is that you'd already shredded some excess fat, so if at all possible, add some strength-training and yoga or martial arts or any other alternative workouts you'll comfortably commit to, to variate your active lifestyle.

Do you ... And let the chips (prospects you'll meet socially) fall where they may. If you're still a virgin, you will find that once you've stepped over "that line" once you're ready, you'll be better positioned to squash intentional complications. Following our extraction, we'd still maintained our sexual purity (accommodating the expectations of the Old Country) throughout the Bush Abstinence campaign and well after that.

I am so proud of you! Your choices. Your life. Your efforts.

ChaelAZ

I feel tired in my soul, so I feel ya. No amount of physical sleep helps.