How to deal with negative people
scarey0022
Posts: 15 Member
I can’t stress enough how disheartening it is to have negative people pushing their opinions and views on you during a fitness journey. Mine in particular is my own mother. Keep in mind she’s always been overweight, but has been 350 lbs and 200 lbs and 300 lbs and 180 lbs so she thinks she knows weight loss. I was explaining to her the recipe for protein cookies that me and my son and husband really like and she just interrupts me and says “how much weight do you even think you’ve lost or will lose???” I was like well it’s been a little over a month and I’ve lost close to 6 pounds so I’m pretty on track. Keep in mind I’m 5’5 and 155.2 pounds, I don’t NEED to lose anymore than a pound a week. And she goes on about how she could lose 4 pounds every week and how maybe I should just try to eat less. I eat around 1200-1300 calories a day pretty contently, I’m not interested in starving myself. What kills her the most is my protein and weight lifting. She thinks it’s a joke. She referred to me as Dr. Phil (no idea why) and told me to go be a nutritionist (sarcastically). I’m at my wits end trying to have any sort of happiness for my achievements or talk about anything related to food or fitness around her. If anybody else has people like this in their life, I feel for you!
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Replies
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My answer to "How to" is "Move away".
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Just don't invite her over and if you must don't talk weight loss with her. You're an adult. You don't have to hang out with anyone you don't want to. Even your mother.10
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Quit talking weight loss and/or fitness with her.9
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I handle people like that the same way I handle all people who tell me useless garbage I don’t care about. I smile, say “that’s really interesting” and move on.3
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quiksylver296 wrote: »Quit talking weight loss and/or fitness with her.
..and if she brings the topic up, abruptly change the subject and make it obvious that you're doing so.6 -
Oh, I don’t let it bother me. It’s not going to hinder my progress in any way. She’s set off by anything, such as her asking what was in the cookies then having a whole fit once she hears the word “protein”. I suspect it’s just one of those “you’re my kid and I don’t want you to be better than me” types of situations since that is definitely her personality. I do appreciate the comments.3
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Bless your heart, Mom.7
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From personal experience, cut it off before it spirals out of control. Dotn be afraid to be blunt. Tell her what youve told us. Be nice but firm. This is your journey, your doing great, If she wants to be helpful cool but if shes just going to be negative you wont listen. And then follow through. Bluntness now will lead to way less hurt feelings and resentment long term thn yearssss of her saying stuff like this. Theres nothing to feel rude about saying what you need or what bothers you. Shes your mom she should be supportive.4
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Yup - change the subject. I have to say - my daughter (all grown up too) would tell me straight to not derail her efforts of put her down. We love each other dearly but she won't take any overt mothering now - unless she asks for it and I have huge respect for her because of it. Maybe Mum doesn't realise how hurtful she is being - tell her - don't let it spoil your relationship with resentment. X And good luck on your journey - seems to me you are approaching it in a very sensible and sustainable way.5
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I would just say "mom,I appreciate your advice but I have this under control and Im going to do it with or without your support. I know what Im doing and Im going to do it for me". and leave it at that. that way hopefully she knows where she stands. if she needs to lose weight maybe she will see it working for you and ask for your advice.0
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Some people will always think they know better. I'd say over the years I've had more negativity than I have had encouragement from people. Just try to have faith in yourself and ignore those kind of people.1
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It's hard to keep your fitness journey "under the radar" with your mom, you want to share things you are excited about. You will have to avoid the subject. Let her see your results and if she brings it up just down play it and change the subject to something you both can enjoy talking about. Every family has some "don't go there" subjects.0
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Just don't discuss trigger topics ... at all. Ever.
She sounds like a very sad person who hates her life and that she is looking for someone besides herself to blame.
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- Bradshaw on the Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self Discovery. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1988. ISBN 978-0932194541.
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- Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1996. ISBN 978-1-55874-427-1.
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Ignore them. Negative people are everywhere, they are annoying, but oh well... Just ingore the ninnies.1
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quiksylver296 wrote: »Quit talking weight loss and/or fitness with her.
..and if she brings the topic up, abruptly change the subject and make it obvious that you're doing so.
This0 -
Is there anyway that you could spin this around to working together to lose weight instead of against each other? Maybe you could somehow convince her to try weights with you? I am sure she loves you and us Mama's try to help....deep down(even though we might not always be right).3
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Actually, your weight loss has been pretty aggressive for your stats. Your mom should know that while a 4 lb/week loss might be OK for an extremely obese person, it's not healthy for anyone else. But other than that, I definitely wouldn't bring up the subject and would change the subject or tell her you don't want to discuss it if she brings it up. "Wisdom is proved by it's works".1
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I think the general advice everyone else is giving is good. It stinks you can't share this with her because she is your Mom, but it's probably best to avoid or just "agree to disagree." I've had a similar experience with my Mom. She is not obese, but "diets" from time to time and her ideas of what is healthy are different from mine. She tends to be too strict with her calories, not eat enough, lose a bunch of water weight and then gain it back. She's also of the mindset that eating fat = you getting fat, and that eating "low fat" or "fat free" foods is healthy, and she tries to ive me these lectures from time to time. I've learned to be like "yeah ok" and move on, lol. You know what is best and you are doing a fantastic job!2
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One of the best things you will ever do in you life is identify negative people in your life and remove them from your life. With family you simply minimize contact with these types as much as humanly possible.
Covert narcissists/passive aggressive people are an interesting animal. These people don't want results, they don't want success. They want you to feel sympathy for them.4 -
scarey0022 wrote: »Oh, I don’t let it bother me. It’s not going to hinder my progress in any way. She’s set off by anything, such as her asking what was in the cookies then having a whole fit once she hears the word “protein”. I suspect it’s just one of those “you’re my kid and I don’t want you to be better than me” types of situations since that is definitely her personality. I do appreciate the comments.
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. As a mother I can tell you that the most important thing in my life is that my kids have a better relationship with me than I have ever had with my mother. I want to be a source of advice, confidence, kindness and respect to them. FWIW, it's not a mother thing. Like you say, it's her personality. Don't let it become your's.
All the best, truly.1 -
ladyhusker39 wrote: »scarey0022 wrote: »Oh, I don’t let it bother me. It’s not going to hinder my progress in any way. She’s set off by anything, such as her asking what was in the cookies then having a whole fit once she hears the word “protein”. I suspect it’s just one of those “you’re my kid and I don’t want you to be better than me” types of situations since that is definitely her personality. I do appreciate the comments.
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. As a mother I can tell you that the most important thing in my life is that my kids have a better relationship with me than I have ever had with my mother. I want to be a source of advice, confidence, kindness and respect to them. FWIW, it's not a mother thing. Like you say, it's her personality. Don't let it become your's.
All the best, truly.
same here.its hard having a parent like that.1 -
Obviously there's a lot more to this story, as it sounds like this is pretty typical for your relationship and for her personality.
But...I do think sometimes people can have different goals and different philosophies on nutrition, fitness, etc, and that doesn't necessarily make them "bad". I do agree with all of the advice to just STOP discussing diet & weight loss topics. I have a couple of girlfriends who focus on eating organic food and full-fat dairy, bone broth/marrow, tons of essential oils for this and that, smoothies & juicing, etc. I think a lot of their ideas are "woo". Meanwhile, at least one of them (probably both) think my method of maintaining a major weight loss by counting calories is completely nuts and even "slightly disordered" as she puts it. It hurts both sides when the other person is saying they know more or have all the right answers.
You do you. Just don't let her negativity in.0 -
Sending much sympathy. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. It's working!0
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Ignore them. Negative people are everywhere, they are annoying, but oh well... Just ingore the ninnies.
+1
This is a tough situation for you because she's your mom and it's completely understandable that, of all people, you'd want support and kindness from her. She's clearly damaged goods on this topic though. In other words, it's not you, it's her. The best thing in that situation is not to engage or invite her into that area of your life in any way.
Congrats on your weight loss, btw! I think it's great that you've gotten into lifting.0 -
One of the best things you will ever do in you life is identify negative people in your life and remove them from your life. With family you simply minimize contact with these types as much as humanly possible.
Covert narcissists/passive aggressive people are an interesting animal. These people don't want results, they don't want success. They want you to feel sympathy for them.
+1
From what I've observed, it's not just sympathy they want but also to reduce you to a prop that they use to feed their own ego. But yes, the sympathy part is big. They're always the victim and in their mind that justifies their negativity.
I'm sorry your mom is the sort who needs her daughter to be "less" than her, OP. I hope she's not an extreme narcissist and is loving and mature at other times.
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