Struggling 43yo Widow

TexasTallchick
TexasTallchick Posts: 138 Member
in Motivation and Support
My 47 year old husband died unexpectedly last July and I’m still a wreck. I’m seeing two therapists, but I’ve been having terrible memory problems since he died. I lost 17lbs in one month in February, but then I stopped weighing and logging my food for some reason. We don’t have any kids and I had to move from our home, so I live alone in a new city with my two dogs and only know my sister here.

Eating is the only thing I enjoy these days, so I overdo it almost every day. I don’t have my best friend anymore and I can’t get a job because of my memory problems. It’s been almost a year and I still feel like I’m in shock. I’m not looking for sympathy, but hoping someone reads this and can offer some suggestions about how to get back on track and stay there. Part of me doesn’t even care if I’m fat. I know it will become problematic as I get older, but the depth of my grief and despair is so vast right now, I feel like just trying to keep myself and my dogs alive is all I can handle right now. But, my clothes are all too tight and it’s very uncomfortable. I just can’t seem to stay on track because the motivation just isn’t there. Thank you in advance for any advice.

Replies

  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    edited June 2018
    First, deepest condolences for your loss. My mom died unexpectedly at 44, leaving my dad a widower at 47. Even now I can't fully appreciate how difficult that was for him.

    Have your therapists recommended anything? Activities, or a grief support group? From reading your post I gather that beyond suffering the loss of your best friend and partner, you are feeling very isolated and are probably struggling with ways to fill your time, which can lead to overeating. Is there a cause you'd be able to volunteer some time for? It might be good for you to get out and start (slowly) building a bit more of a social network in your new city. :flowerforyou:

    ETA also, I'm sure you've explored this with your therapists, but if not please speak to your doctor about depression and possible medical treatments in addition to your therapy.
  • kommodevaran
    kommodevaran Posts: 17,890 Member
    edited June 2018
    You say you're not looking for sympathy, but you have mine. It sounds horrible and sad, and I hope you'll feel better soon. I have some suggestions. Plan meals and grocery shopping, schedule meals and get into a daily routine, walk your dogs for exercise, they will be happier too. Some structure to your day, and a better diet, can help your mental functioning. Don't think you have to be motivated, just do it, just like you would get up and go to work - getting better is your job right now. And don't try to lose 17 pounds in a month again, undereating will have an adverse effect.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Your friends aren't contactable at all?
  • 100_PROOF_
    100_PROOF_ Posts: 1,168 Member
    I'm so sorry. I don't have any useful advice but still wanted to show support
  • TexasTallchick
    TexasTallchick Posts: 138 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Your friends aren't contactable at all?

    I don’t have any friends in my new city. They all live about 2 hours away. I talk to them on the phone sometimes, but it’s just not the same as in-person interactions. Also, my late husband and I really isolated ourselves because we both thought all we needed was each other. We spent all of our free time together. I now regret that, but while he was alive, it was very fulfilling.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    mgobluetx wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Your friends aren't contactable at all?

    I don’t have any friends in my new city. They all live about 2 hours away. I talk to them on the phone sometimes, but it’s just not the same as in-person interactions. Also, my late husband and I really isolated ourselves because we both thought all we needed was each other. We spent all of our free time together. I now regret that, but while he was alive, it was very fulfilling.

    2 hours isn't so far away, I'm sure they'd like to see you? :flowerforyou:
  • kristingjertsen
    kristingjertsen Posts: 239 Member
    Hard to do, but try to get out of the house. Go for a walk, to the gym, the library, join a club, reach out to the nice folks you meet for a coffee date. Find a support group for grieving widows. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself time to heal. Be cautious about starting a new relationship too early. I have watched several family members quickly replace a lost partner with a new love interest that ended badly and made them feel even more alone. You never stop grieving a deep loss, in my experience, but you do learn to live with it. I am certain your husband would want you to be happy again.
  • boehle
    boehle Posts: 5,062 Member
    Meetup groups are pretty awesome and can be very supportive, and there may be some for women/men that have gone through something very similar.
    In all honesty, besides my boyfriend and son, I really talk to no one, except people I am forced to at work and then the awesome people on here. I have made some very valuable friends just being here. No, none are close to where I live but they all give a huge amount of support and encouragement.
    Feel free to friend me.
  • ritzvin
    ritzvin Posts: 2,860 Member
    edited June 2018
    ditto on finding new activities (find some social dancing groups - quite a few in my city have $5 entry with included drop-in lessons at the beginning of weekly events, running/cycling/hiking/? groups - most of these are free to join and very welcoming although some equipment purchases would be necessary). Meetup.com would be 1 good place to start if you are in the US - there are groups all over that get together for a large variety of different hobbies.

    And definitely see a Dr/therapist if not already.
  • Xerogs
    Xerogs Posts: 328 Member
    So sorry for your loss. My Dad past away many years ago and it was difficult for my Mom and she still struggles to this day. I know I was in state of flux for many years following my Dad's death. There is no cookie cutter answer since everyone grieves differently, even with time I still see my Mom struggle but most days she has her routine and errands which help keep her mind busy, taking care of her Grand-dogs is her favorite thing. What helped me get out of a self destructive cycle after my Dad passed was asking myself what my Dad would want for me and what do I want for myself. I can't change the past and worrying about some unknown future only caused me stress, so I decided to just be present each day, day in and day out. I made small goals for myself and replaced bad habits with better habits. I've learned to appreciate each day and take time to marvel in the little things and I think my Dad would want that after all I probably have more in common with him than I like to admit.

    I did talk to a counselor about ways to cope and writing out my problems helped me visualize ways to solve them. I am an artist so my art is therapy of sorts. Exercise, a clean diet, and meditation (20+mindful minutes per day) are recent additions to my life that have helped me in so many ways I wish I would have learned them decades ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache growing up.

    Make it a habit of taking care of yourself and your dogs (they need you). Start small and just keep putting one foot in front of the other day in day out. The pain of losing your husband may never fully go away but you can channel that grief (energy) into whatever you want and in doing so heal your despair. It just takes time and patience and its hard to see that right now but down the road you can look back and see the changes, that is just life.

    Some books that have helped me are True Perception: The Path of Dharma Art, Meditation in Action, and Turning the Mind into an Ally. Also this website is a good start www.mindful.org Meditation isn't a cure-all but it can help ease your mind and help with the memory issues.
  • duskyjewel
    duskyjewel Posts: 286 Member
    edited June 2018
    Focusing outward instead of giving yourself nothing to do except contemplate your grief all day every day may help. What's something you used to be passionate about? Is there an organization where you live focused on that where you could volunteer? Needing to be somewhere regularly will give some structure back to your weeks, and doing something important that serves a cause in which you believe will give you a sense of accomplishment. Being in the habit of going out and doing something again may help you regain the focus and skills you need for a job, and volunteer work often builds connections that help people find employment. Just do that one thing and you may be surprised at what builds from it.

    I also agree with other posters about talking to your doctor and therapists about depression.

    I'm so sorry. I'm also 43 and I can't imagine losing my husband right now. We do have kids in addition to dogs so I'm sure that would force me to focus and keep going, and I can totally see how not having them would leave me adrift. *hug*
  • Courtscan2
    Courtscan2 Posts: 499 Member
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you spoken to your doctor about what is going on with your memory? There must be some sort of grief counseling and mental health support that you can get. I hope things get easier for you. And although you are stuggling with food and healthy living, as I'm sure you know, these are exactly the kinds of things that may help you heal sooner. Are there any groups you coould join - beginners fitness groups, walking groups, something like that may be a good place to start. Even if you have to force yourself to go throug hthe motions to start with.
  • FibroHiker
    FibroHiker Posts: 398 Member
    It sounds like you are experiencing cognitive difficulties following a traumatic experience. The after effects from the death of a loved one aren't usually so extreme, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen and that your symptoms are meaningless.

    You are experiencing severe cognitive loading due to the trauma. It's difficult to function under those circumstances. While therapy could help alleviate your sadness you also need to address your cognitive symptoms. Ask your PCP for a referral to a neuro-psychologist or a speech therapist for cognitive therapy.
  • emmamcgarity
    emmamcgarity Posts: 1,594 Member
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I sincerely will be praying for you.

    I don't know if you are a person of faith, but if so you might consider looking at your church to talk to a pastor or counselor. Having a common belief system with the person counseling may help you connect. I realize you just moved to a new area. So, if you haven't found a place of worship, visit one that is consistent with your belief system.

    I agree with the meditation recommendation as well. Many people find it very healing.

    Music can also be very therapeutic. You might try listening to music while walking or other activities as well. Try different types of music to see what works best for you.

    Libraries, community centers, and churches can be good places to find free activities for you to connect with. Ours have knitting groups, crochet groups, art classes, and many other creative activities. Creating something in this way might give you something to focus on instead of just meet ups. I lost my Dad just over a year ago, and my Mom is finding a lot of support from the ladies she plays Bridge or Mahjong with at different churches and community centers.

    Full dieting right now might be causing a lot of extra stress for you. Instead of focusing everything, consider setting very small goals for yourself instead of trying to do everything at once. (i.e. log your food, but don't stress about lower calories. Just set the calories to maintenance for a while and just put the data in your tracker.) Then just give yourself one minimum goal to reach each day. It could start as simple as "I plan to eat one vegetable each day this week" or "I will go outdoors and walk around the block 1 time each day this week." or even "I will drink 1 extra glass of water each day this week." Just small goals that you know you can acheive to build from. You get to pick which goals are most important to you. You can set your tracker to weight loss mode again after a few weeks when you feel ready.
  • FibroHiker
    FibroHiker Posts: 398 Member
    mgobluetx wrote: »
    Thank you to everyone who replied. I’ve had an MRI and a CAT scan and both came up negative - there’s nothing physically wrong with me. I recently learned it’s called ‘widow brain,’ basically grief-induced amnesia. It’s been explained to me as all the pathways in my brain led to my husband because he was my whole world. Now that he’s gone, those pathways are completely broken and lead to a black hole. There’s just nowhere left for those roads to go, so I keep coming up blank when I think. I’d never heard of this and most times cannot believe it happened to me. I’m seeing two different therapists...one man who also lost his spouse and another psychiatrist who specializes in grief and loss. All I want to do is be done with everything. Most days I don’t want to live anymore. Why am I even here? I don’t have children or a job or anything fulfilling in my life. My dogs would be just as happy with someone else.

    There doesn't have to be abnormalities showing up on your scans in order for there to be dysfunction. Veterans coming back from war could have clean scans but also not be able to function due to trauma.

    Severe emotions can interfere with executive functioning due to cognitive loading from stress. Basically everything you are doing every day is causing stress with your husband gone. A psychotherapist and a psychiatrist aren't going to focus on you regaining your executive functioning. While talking about your feelings is important, but seeing yourself failing in daily life functioning is only going to put you in a more disabled state. I hope you will consider seeing a neuro-psychologist or speech therapist for cognitive therapy. They can reteach you gain back your executive functioning. With some small victories over time you will hopefully see gains.

    Good luck, don't give up.
  • Xerogs
    Xerogs Posts: 328 Member
    edited June 2018
    mgobluetx wrote: »
    Thank you to everyone who replied. I’ve had an MRI and a CAT scan and both came up negative - there’s nothing physically wrong with me. I recently learned it’s called ‘widow brain,’ basically grief-induced amnesia. It’s been explained to me as all the pathways in my brain led to my husband because he was my whole world. Now that he’s gone, those pathways are completely broken and lead to a black hole. There’s just nowhere left for those roads to go, so I keep coming up blank when I think. I’d never heard of this and most times cannot believe it happened to me. I’m seeing two different therapists...one man who also lost his spouse and another psychiatrist who specializes in grief and loss. All I want to do is be done with everything. Most days I don’t want to live anymore. Why am I even here? I don’t have children or a job or anything fulfilling in my life. My dogs would be just as happy with someone else.

    You matter to this world! To your dogs you are their world and their pack leader, don't ever stop thinking that. Someone once told me to never make life decisions when you are in a dark place and that has gotten me out of spiraling out of control many a time. Give yourself room, you have a purpose even if it doesn't seem like it right at this moment.

    Finding fulfillment in your life might mean you have to go back before you met your husband and find something that brought you joy, rekindle some old interest and channel your energy. It's about self preservation and giving yourself time to heal. I did that 19 years ago. I was in a pickle and close to a mental break down, I spent a good deal of time just writing out a list of things from my earliest memory to right before my relationship issues occurred that made me happy. I've always loved art and making art, comics, science fiction, books, music, movies, just simply being amazed at life in general, all of that process reignited my passion for art. I found that I enjoyed school so I went back to school. I liked playing some videos games so I played some of those too. I felt like Forrest Gump, I just did things because I felt like it no matter and no worry to what others thought so long as it wasn't self destructive.

    Give yourself the chance to find a way. You might also reach out to a grief counseling group in your area.



  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    @mgobluetx When I was in a very stressful situation earlier this year that lasted several weeks, I forgot my online banking password that I use literally every day. I also forgot my phone number. There was no remotely physical reason for it. You've been under a lot more stress, for a much longer period, so I'm not surprised you're experiencing somewhat impaired cognitive function. I'm sorry you're struggling. Your heart is broken, and it's understandable. Please don't give up on brighter days ahead. Grief like that is overwhelming and never fully goes away, but it does get better. Would your husband want you mourning yourself to death, or would he want to see you taking care of yourself?
  • GreenMantle
    GreenMantle Posts: 13 Member
    I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. I can't say that grief ever stops, but it will dull over time. That's hard to hear and hard to believe, but just know that it won't always hurt quite this bad. I can tell you I started exercising (15 minutes of moderate to vigorous cardio and 10,000 steps, nothing insane) to lose weight, and then I kept it up because I felt so much better. Physically and mentally. Maybe you can try working up to that.

    I don't usually have many friends on here because it's all kind of personal, but if you want please send me a friend request! Even if you just need to talk.
  • stevephi01
    stevephi01 Posts: 240 Member
    edited June 2018
    Xerogs wrote: »
    rekindle some old interest and channel your energy.

    A very good point made. Until reading this post I hadn't realised that is exactly what I did.

    I'm mad about motorbikes, as you can probably gather from my avatar, got my first when I was old enough to get a license.
    However that stopped when I got married, the usual spousal pressure and thought I'd grown out of that phase.
    Been in the UK a year and decided I'd give it a try. Thought it would be a whim and not last long, after all the weather isn't great.
    11 years and 150,000+ miles later it has become the centre of my life. Just about all my friends were made through it.

    I do hope you are able to find ways for your pathways to join up again. Do you have photographs prior to meeting your husband? Possibly looking at them and trying to remember may help get the process started. Maybe your friends can help fill in the blanks.
  • Fursian
    Fursian Posts: 548 Member
    mgobluetx wrote: »
    My 47 year old husband died unexpectedly last July and I’m still a wreck. I’m seeing two therapists, but I’ve been having terrible memory problems since he died. I lost 17lbs in one month in February, but then I stopped weighing and logging my food for some reason. We don’t have any kids and I had to move from our home, so I live alone in a new city with my two dogs and only know my sister here.

    Eating is the only thing I enjoy these days, so I overdo it almost every day. I don’t have my best friend anymore and I can’t get a job because of my memory problems. It’s been almost a year and I still feel like I’m in shock. I’m not looking for sympathy, but hoping someone reads this and can offer some suggestions about how to get back on track and stay there. Part of me doesn’t even care if I’m fat. I know it will become problematic as I get older, but the depth of my grief and despair is so vast right now, I feel like just trying to keep myself and my dogs alive is all I can handle right now. But, my clothes are all too tight and it’s very uncomfortable. I just can’t seem to stay on track because the motivation just isn’t there. Thank you in advance for any advice.

    Hi mgobluetx, you are still grieving, and I'm so sorry. Allow yourself to grieve. Lights will appear dim, they can be for some time. This always sound so cold, but time does heal, and some day in the future you are going to start caring about your health. We cannot do this all in one day, we take this one step at a time.

    It is great that you are seeing therapists. Outside influences and different perspectives can do incredible things for us. Much strength to you and your dogs!

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