Spouses Who Fear/Resent Your Weight Loss

hesn92

My husband has felt slightly “nervous” that I would leave him if I became too good looking, which is stupid. He thinks I'm out of his league (I hope I’m using that phrase correctly lol) We’ve been together for 10 years now. I just have to reassure him sometimes. Has nothing to do with his weight or physical condition though. He’s very active and a healthy weight.

Maxxitt

mwillder1 wrote: »

My wife and I both needed to lose about 35lbs or so. I have done that the past 8 months, while she hasn't. There are various "reasons" why she hasn't seen the progress that I have, but the net is--and this came out during an emotional talk we had the other night--that she's freaked out that I now only weigh 20lbs more than her (I'm 8" taller), and said she hates her body, feels like a failure, etc. What triggered this was the fact that I was planning on getting up to run, and she was concerned that I'd lose even more weight and close that gap even more. (That's not my goal, btw.)

Needless to say, this is really disconcerting for me on many levels, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I want to be supportive, but am not really able (willing?) to hide my new devotion to nutrition, tracking, exercise, the lifestyle change I've undertaken, etc. I don't judge her for what she eats/doesn't eat, or the various approaches she's tried while I've reached my goal. I know she's happy for me and enjoys her new "thin" husband, but at the same time it's rough.

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how do you balance not pushing your spouse too much while naturally being excited about the positive changes you are experiencing? How does your "success" not become a daily, visible symbol for their lack of progress and a source of frustration (and despair)?

Thanks!

Have another follow-up talk with her. Let her know that you appreciate her honesty and bravery for putting her thoughts and feelings out there. Let her know that you want her to be able to love and appreciate her physical package as the home of her amazing spirit. Let her know that you love her Then, after listening, ask her what she thinks would help her get to where she wants to go, and how she will know when she gets there, and what you can do to support her. As a practical matter, losing weight is less straight forward for women than it is for men due to physiology. If she wants a science-backed resource, Lyle McDonald's Women's Book is an excellent resource https://store.bodyrecomposition.com/product/the-womens-book-vol1/

mwillder1

jasondjulian wrote: »

Same thing going on with me and my wife, I have not addressed it as of yet. I try to keep my comments about my own weight loss silent, as it just seems to upset her, despite her saying she's "proud of me"... I hear the disdain in her voice when she says that, so I know it's only partially true.

Sorry to hear this! Sounds like we both can try and improve our situations...

mwillder1

Just wanted to thank all of those who took the time to post and share your thoughts and ideas about how to best address this situation. A lot of very good ideas. Amazing and inspiring people on these boards!

lingreg2198

My husband is 2 inches taller than me and 65 pounds heavier 😬

mywayroche

It required a very frank conversation about my new-found needs. If I want to be healthy and feel better then there is no compromise. I never tell my wife what to eat (or not to eat) because it's her life and she would only resent me for it; it's very important that she knows it works both ways though.

Resentment is wasted energy that would be better spent on achieving the things that she wants out of life. Don't let her believe that she can change you to bring you down to her level, it's a slippery slope. Talk to her but do it assertively and make her understand that this isn't something that you're going to give way on... because it isn't, right?

Diatonic12

Fear.

Speaking only in general, loved ones fear they may be kicked to the curb or someone else will take you away. It's not only family or relatives but friends, foes, coworkers may be coming for you. Don't be scared, be prepared.

There will be compliments or not. 'Just look at you now, don't you go getting the big head'. 'You make me sick and I don't want to talk to you anymore.' Many will ignore what you've done or act like you no longer exist. You may lose friends. Oooo, the sky is not the limit when we choose to change. Slings, arrows, potshots will be taken from across the bow. Changes make people uncomfortable in their own skin.

Birds of a feather gather together. We have common ground here. While none of us may agree on much of anything we still want the same things. Kinda sorta.

On a lighter note, there's a personal trainer here that you can ask absolutely anything. It's all fun, really.

lynn_glenmont

mwillder1 wrote: »

My wife and I both needed to lose about 35lbs or so. I have done that the past 8 months, while she hasn't. There are various "reasons" why she hasn't seen the progress that I have, but the net is--and this came out during an emotional talk we had the other night--that she's freaked out that I now only weigh 20lbs more than her (I'm 8" taller), and said she hates her body, feels like a failure, etc. What triggered this was the fact that I was planning on getting up to run, and she was concerned that I'd lose even more weight and close that gap even more. (That's not my goal, btw.)

Needless to say, this is really disconcerting for me on many levels, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I want to be supportive, but am not really able (willing?) to hide my new devotion to nutrition, tracking, exercise, the lifestyle change I've undertaken, etc. I don't judge her for what she eats/doesn't eat, or the various approaches she's tried while I've reached my goal. I know she's happy for me and enjoys her new "thin" husband, but at the same time it's rough.

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how do you balance not pushing your spouse too much while naturally being excited about the positive changes you are experiencing? How does your "success" not become a daily, visible symbol for their lack of progress and a source of frustration (and despair)?

Thanks!

Hopefully you know your wife better than random folks on the Internet, but there are, on average, some differences in the ways men and women communicate, and it strikes me that nothing in your account of what she said indicates that she asked you to "hide" (much less change) your "new devote to nutrition, tracking, exercise, etc." She was telling you how she feels about herself. That's a good thing. If she can't honestly tell you how she feels without you making her feel like you don't want to hear it, that's a bad thing.

I agree with others who have advised further conversations, focusing on whether there's anything you can do to help her to get to a better place emotionally, including carving money and time out of household budget/schedule to allow her to see a therapist, if that might help her. Hating her body and feeling like a failure isn't really about you. At most, the things you are doing are a trigger that's making it harder for her to ignore those feelings.

Brabo_Grip

My wife twice has said "I like you better fat." She is has struggled with her weight most of her life. She recently started back losing again. I never pressured, said not nice things, or actually mentioned her weight ever except those times when she has lost and then it was compliments. I know she is very insecure about it. I try to support her the best ways I can without triggering her. I don't have an answer for you OP. All I know is it can be tough especially wth the snide comments here and there.

LeighLeigh_fit

This is a really hard topic. First of all, good for you! Keep up the good work!

Men and women gain and lose weight differently. A lot of it is based on hormonal factors; however, age can be another factor and whether or not she has had children.

That being said, it seems to me like there are other things contributing to her lack of weight loss. I worked as a trainer for a while and I would find that I could beat a client up for an hour in the gym but if their mind wasn’t in it then it didn’t matter. The changes weren’t going to happen. Therapy is a very tabu thing and admitting you see a therapist can be embarrassing but figuring out the deep rooted problem is what will get her back on the right track.

Please let me know if you need any more suggestions!