An open letter

jjpptt2

Fore Warning…
I’m not sure, exactly, where this post is going or how long it’s going to be. But I feel like I’ve got some stuff I need to get out (even if it’s just for my own benefit/processing), and I like to write… so watch out. Oh, and if you’re a stickler for grammar, I like slashes and ellipses. You’ve been warned.

Disclaimer…
I’m not specifically looking for support or motivation; I just wasn’t sure where else to post this. I guess this forum seemed the least inappropriate place to put all this. I’m writing it for my own benefit, but posting it because I don’t think the mental side of all this gets the attention it sometimes should on MFP. You’ve heard of open letters to the editor? I guess this is an open blog post to the masses.

Ok, with that out of the way…
Going back as long as I can remember (to at least my grade school years), I’ve been an all-or-nothing person that judged myself and my efforts on a pass/fail basis. Those two things together have made for some great highs/wins… but also for some awful lows/losses. I’ve been a relatively successful weekend/age group triathlete, I’ve been as low as 11% BF and reached decent milestones in my lifting… but I’ve also been borderline obsessive about my diet and training to the expense of my family, and I’ve struggled with what is probably an eating disorder.

Over the last 18 months or so, I’ve been trying to work on my mental game, rather than simply focusing on the numbers… on scale weight, on race times, on run pace, bike distance, body fat, deadlift numbers, etc. I don’t think I’ll ever be a happy person, but I’ve been trying to let myself be content with not always doing/being what I think is my absolute best. And I think I’m making progress. My highs haven’t been as high because I’m missing the more easily measured successes (weight loss, strength gains, time/endurance gains, etc), but my lows haven’t been as low or as frequent. Bigger picture, I think that’s a win.

I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m getting there (I hope). I need to funnel and refine this leniency I’m allowing myself a bit more (I’m little more “lenient” than I’d like to be at times). I need to continue to reflect on what my triggers are and what sets me up for disaster, but also on the times I rationalize that it’s ok to be excessive with my eating or my laziness. I don’t think I’m learning all that much about myself, but I’m definitely more in tune (aware?) of things on a more consistent basis. I guess that means that I’m keeping/maintaining perspective better than I used to, which is a good thing.

Maybe this is the start of the whole “lifestyle change” I see so many people talk about around here…

100_PROOF_

It also helps me to lay everything out and gain some perspective. Sometimes putting mental work ahead of the physical work is necessary , it helps me create a balance.
Best of luck to you.

urloved33

you can be a human doing or be a human "being" your choice. its a daily struggle. I know bc I am the same way..so are my two daughters. forgive yourself. its so important to learn to show yourself mercy.