Rant: Explaining yourself to people

capriqueen

So I joined a motorcycle safety class recently and I was excited to share this news with a friend of mine at work. Said friend is usually a little opinionated.

Some background: I have always wanted a motorbike. My roommate, who I am pretty close with, suggested that I can get the motorbike and she will get a car (most likely both being second hand) and we can share depending on whether we need to buy stuff or just go for a ride. I suggested we buy the car together since we need a car anyway.

So I am talking to my friend and tell her how I joined the class and how I have always wanted a bike and she was a little surprised, saying bikes aren't safe. I tell her I am aware, which is why I will really take my time getting it onto the highway and I make sure I practice well enough, and also why I am taking the course.

Then she says, "Why don't you just get a car instead?" to which I explain to her our plan. She then goes on about how that will bring in conflict between my roommate and I, how she might need it for work in the morning (she walks to work as we live right across), how we will each be worried if the other ruins it and even, what if she gets married and moves away. Why do I have to get a bike anyway?

After awhile of answering all her questions, I was exhausted. My roommate and I have an understanding and this is still a preliminary plan. Besides, I have wanted a bike and I am now secure financially. Can't you just let it go?

Ugh. Rant over. What do you do in situations like these?

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ythannah

capriqueen wrote: »

What do you do in situations like these?

Smile and nod and make vague "mmm hmm" affirming noises. Change the topic as soon as possible. Then just do what you want.

Some people are just downers.

capriqueen

newmeadow wrote: »

I don't understand the math. There's you and your roommate and some other girl and a motorbike and a car? This all sounds very British.

It's just me and my roommate. I planned on buying a bike for myself, my roommate and I are contemplating sharing the expense of a car. It's all preliminary, but me buying the bike is definite.

capriqueen

ythannah wrote: »

capriqueen wrote: »

What do you do in situations like these?

Smile and nod and make vague "mmm hmm" affirming noises. Change the topic as soon as possible. Then just do what you want.

Some people are just downers.

I swear! I finally told her your opinion is great, and this is what you think, but what we are planning to do works for us.

ChaelAZ

I just don't do it much anymore. Clarify sometimes, but I don't explain myself.

capriqueen

CoffeeAndContour wrote: »

I don’t feel the need to justify my decisions to anyone. You and your roommate made a plan that’s all that needed to be said. Once you start explaining yourself, I find people start giving their unwelcome opinions. This sounds like one of those friends where you explain as little as possible.

You're so right. I am being realistic here, I know that a knee-jerk reaction of anyone is to give their opinion/ raise questions about anything I share with them. I get that it's natural. But after a point, you need to let it go! Sometimes I feel being curt with such people is really needed.

capriqueen

ChaelAZ wrote: »

I just don't do it much anymore. Clarify sometimes, but I don't explain myself.

Good choice.

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Motorsheen

explain myself?

nope, I just rely on graphs and charts; like this one:

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Lounmoun

I ask myself if the person would genuinely be open to learning more or if they just want to change my mind because there is only one way to live properly. Is there some reason I need their advice or opinion or approval for my choice? Are they my best friend, close family member or just a co-worker?

Don't explain unless you get the vibe they are open minded enough to learn more or you are actually open to their thoughts.
Don't explain to people who don't need to be involved in your choices.
Not everyone will like and agree with your choices. That is fine. You don't have to talk about it with them. You don't need approval of everyone for your choices.
Look at the intention and baggage behind the person's comments. This can make me more patient with someone if I know they are coming from a particular place.

As a friend I'd probably be more concerned over buying a car with the roommate idea. Having a bad past experience with such a thing I would have a hard time giving positive comments or approval to such a plan. I didn't listen to cautious voices and took the risk and the negative consequences. There was financial damage. There was relationship damage. Ultimately no one benefitted.

msf74

capriqueen wrote: »

What do you do in situations like these?

Starting researching the going rate for a hitman.

Just kidding. I thank them for their opinion and then proceed to ignore said opinion at my leisure.

shaf238

Take it with a pinch of salt because doing what makes you happy (as long as you're not hurting anyone!) is what matters most.

mbaker566

you very rarely owe an explanation to anyone.

Cameron_1969

I just smile that "I don't really care what you think" smile and go about my business.

go_cubs

She’s not funding anything so dont worry about her opinions

WorkerDrone83

Cut the motorbike in half!
Or cut the coworker in half!

But in all seriousness, I think you may be having a hard time 'letting go' of the discussion because some of what she said probably rang true, as far as the bike ownership and use is concerned.

ETA - Oh, we're talking about the car. Same principles apply.

capriqueen

Will_Workout_for_food wrote: »

while I would NEVER buy a car to share, do what YOU want. you can just nod and tell your friend you are aware of the risks, and thank her for caring, and that's that.

speaking from experience though, having shared ownership for a car can lead to bad news quick.

What you said makes sense, and I like how you put it. Even if she told me that it has his risks and watch out or something, I may not have been so riled up.

Even this is really a preliminary plan. We might play it buy the ear, realize it isn't working out and get separate cars. I guess what really made me mad is her constant "Why do you even need a bike" and "Why don't you wait and buy one later".

capriqueen

Will_Workout_for_food wrote: »

capriqueen wrote: »

Will_Workout_for_food wrote: »

while I would NEVER buy a car to share, do what YOU want. you can just nod and tell your friend you are aware of the risks, and thank her for caring, and that's that.

speaking from experience though, having shared ownership for a car can lead to bad news quick.

What you said makes sense, and I like how you put it. Even if she told me that it has his risks and watch out or something, I may not have been so riled up.

Even this is really a preliminary plan. We might play it buy the ear, realize it isn't working out and get separate cars. I guess what really made me mad is her constant "Why do you even need a bike" and "Why don't you wait and buy one later".

the bike part- you do what you want. shes not paying for it. shes not riding. its something you want. that's for yourself

the car part is the only one im actually concerned about.

insurance- who primary? whos the secondary? the primary is more expensive. are you guys going to split the cost of insurance in half? what if someone gets into an accident and it increases? the one who got into the accident gets penalized? or pays the difference? and said accident, you do know that even if, lets say, your roommate is driving and god forbid she gets into an accident, you know you can get sued as well just because your name is under the car? that is what im concerned about the most in your situation if you do choose to share ownership of the car.

not trying to be like your friend and talking you out of it, but just keep that in mind

No, thanks a lot for pointing these things out. It makes sense when considering the entirety of a car's ownership, how this could be a bad idea. So like I said, we might just rent one together initially because we are both learning to drive. Then we might go our separate ways depending on how things go. You pointed out some very practical issues while still being respectful of my situation and I appreciate that.
Instead of arguing with me and telling me not to buy a bike, had she just let me know risks exist and I might want to consider otherwise, I would have still listened. Instead she made me wonder why I even I shared the news of joining a bike safety course in the first place.

ChaelAZ

Motorsheen wrote: »

explain myself?

nope, I just rely on graphs and charts; like this one:

Man, motorcyle peeps are terrible drivers.

urloved33

the answer is " you may be right and I'm glad you care enough to tell me but frankly I don't want to hear it" my bet is you knew how she was going to behave and what she would say before you told her. CHECK YOURSELF.

Cameron_1969

Ironic thread is ironic.