Can I make my boyfriend more caring?

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fastfoodietofitcutie
fastfoodietofitcutie Posts: 522 Member
in Chit-Chat
I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other. We do not live together. A close family member was dying from brain cancer last year and he never once asked how she was doing. My Mom was recently in the hospital and isn’t doing well and he asked about her when it first happened but not since.

When I asked him why he doesn’t show concern his response was that if something important happened I would tell him so he doesn’t need to ask. A few of my girlfriends have said this is grounds for dumping him but a few others said that’s just how guys are.

Thoughts?
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Replies

  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    If people were mouldable like that we might as well all get plastic dummies. He’s just not that invested in you. If you want a long term relationship with someone who will be a best friend do yourselves both a favour and cut this guy loose.
  • Evelyn_Gorfram
    Evelyn_Gorfram Posts: 706 Member
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    Motorsheen wrote: »
    Q: Can I make my boyfriend more caring?

    A: No.
    ^ This.

    You can't make a guy anything but a sandwich. And you're not going to be able to change him until he's old enough to need diapers.

    If what you want is something not super serious, with someone whose definition of loving you includes needing to be told when to care about something important to you, you're set. If not, you're not going to get what you do want from this guy.
  • go_cubs
    go_cubs Posts: 1,183 Member
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    An old boyfriend of mine would ask the same about me why I don’t ask him about certain things, frankly it’s because I really didn’t care much about what he did...

    So my answer would be just ask him why he isn’t concerned about things happening in your life
  • k8eekins
    k8eekins Posts: 2,264 Member
    edited September 2018
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    fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
    I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other. We do not live together. A close family member was dying from brain cancer last year and he never once asked how she was doing. My Mom was recently in the hospital and isn’t doing well and he asked about her when it first happened but not since.

    When I asked him why he doesn’t show concern his response was that if something important happened I would tell him so he doesn’t need to ask. A few of my girlfriends have said this is grounds for dumping him but a few others said that’s just how guys are.

    Thoughts?

    To have even broached this subject - you already know, as Motorsheen has punctuated for you, for added clarity. Inasmuch as you need more than you're getting from him, respect yourself enough and decide - break contract or stay, since he has never once misled you of "this maintenance" seasonal long-term indulgence.
  • pudgy1977
    pudgy1977 Posts: 13,499 Member
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    Quite frankly he sounds like he doesn’t love you, And you are too scared to see it. Decide what you want, and believe you are worth it. Until then no one else will either.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    This is not a guy thing to not ask how people are doing. It is how he is though and probably won't change especially for a casual sometimes relationship.
    If you want someone more engaged and caring in that way in your life then this is not the person for you.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    You can't change people. If you want someone to be a certain way, go out and find a person who is already like that. Don't waste your time settling for a sub-standard mate and hoping they will become something they aren't. When I found my husband, he came pre-loaded with all the features I was looking for in a spouse. I didn't mold him into the perfect guy (not perfect human, just perfect for me). He came that way.

    When you're with the right person, you both know it and you both show it. Your guy is probably just biding his time, waiting to see if a better girl comes along. Nobody likes to be alone, so he's probably just passing the time with you. It's convenient for him. I could be totally wrong, but that's my opinion. I mean, he could really love you but just be that kind of person. But are you actually satisfied with this on and off, unsupportive kind of relationship? Sounds miserable to me. You deserve better. You know you do. <3
  • SabAteNine
    SabAteNine Posts: 1,866 Member
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    fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
    I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other.

    Thoughts?

    Yes, a few. Love is not on and off, and it's pretty dead serious. I have trouble understanding how the bolded statements go together.

    I'm not here to tell you what you should do, and I can't put myself in your position because on and off never cut for me. But.. You might want to re-evaluate the whole situation and think a bit more towards the longer term. Is this really sustainable?
  • shaf238
    shaf238 Posts: 4,021 Member
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    SabAteNine wrote: »
    fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
    I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a few years. It’s not super serious but we love each other.

    Thoughts?

    Yes, a few. Love is not on and off, and it's pretty dead serious. I have trouble understanding how the bolded statements go together.

    I'm not here to tell you what you should do, and I can't put myself in your position because on and off never cut for me. But.. You might want to re-evaluate the whole situation and think a bit more towards the longer term. Is this really sustainable?
    I was thinking exactly the same thing Sab
  • competeagain
    competeagain Posts: 770 Member
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    No. You can’t make him care more.
    Also sounds like he could not care less. But that wasn’t part of the question.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
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    Motorsheen wrote: »
    Q: Can I make my boyfriend more caring?

    A: No.

    ^^this^^
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
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    Some people (not just guys) are "just this way." Some are a little caring. Some care a lot. Typically, unless they have a major paradigm shift in their own personal life, they will not change. The question becomes, do you want to be with someone who doesn't care, or do you want (and deserve) to be with someone who cares about you and your family and friends? You can't change others to fit your needs. Don't settle for less.
  • jennacole12
    jennacole12 Posts: 1,167 Member
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    competeagain wrote: »
    No. You can’t make him care more.
    Also sounds like he could not care less. But that wasn’t part of the question.

    100% this..... if I was you I would move on now and stop wasting my precious time. There are too many men out there, why waste your attention on one who can’t be bothered to ask you a question. And as Will_workout_for_food said, it’s not even just a question that should be reserved for those you love. I would ask my worst enemy how their mother was doing in the hospital.... so you are not asking much of him at all. I’d say ✌🏻

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