Feeling like I just can't find the balance. (ED related)

taliahale

I am 5'8 and 120lbs. I have been at my heaviest around 145lbs, I haven't weighed that in four years though. I am in recovery for anorexia/bulimia. When I was 145lbs I was struggling with the eating disorders then too, it just wasn't a clinical textbook type thing I had going on. I would starve and binge off and on, which kept me at the normal weight. I am a normal weight now, though my nutritionist says its the lowest weight she'd allow for my height. I've also been very underweight, I was very sick for a long time. My lowest weight was 95lbs.

I am told I have a very high metabolism. When I was on weight restoration my calories I had to eat were around 4000 (I think, I wasn't allowed to know the ingredients in this huge shake they made at the treatment center, but I have guesses, I know it was ice cream and boost, and protein powder, it was fattening, without the shake I know the food part they had me eating alone was 2600 calories... yeah I was about to pop every day...) and I wasn't allowed to move, I was on zero exercise at all. Even then they got me to only gain ten pounds in four months, on that calorie level. I feel that's sorta nuts.

I start to panic when my weight gets in the high 120's. I am in a lower level of treatment now, I go to a day program. I have been in and out of treatment sine 2009 and am just so tired of it. But I feel like when I get to the 120's my weight levels off, and then it's like I don't want to gain any more, and it's really hard too, but I don't want to keep eating the high calorie levels (I don't do the shakes, but I am expected to eat around 2300 calories of food.) I end up eating anywhere from 700-1700 calories a day. I know that I start losing weight at 1700 calories, I lost alot really fast when I eat 700.. I know I've lost some weight in the past week, I don't know my weight. I don't have a scale. But I got in trouble at treatment for losing and was told if I lost more I'd have to go back to a higher level of day program.

I am just so frustrated because I feel fat when I eat so much, and I have alot of GI problems as a result of years of bulimia, so I air up and bloat when I eat most things.

I am ranting mostly, I just hate it.

kiddoc88

Hmm ,although I haven't struggled with ED myself, I can see and understand your frustration. I know eating a larger volume of food might be difficult, have you tried incorporated more high ca/ energy dense foods( cheese, nuts, etc)

joshdann

for what it's worth... and I'm really not trying to be cute here... but the initialism "ED" usually refers to something else. I was reading your post, trying to figure out what the hell it had to do with Erectile Dysfunction, until I recognized the malapropism.

unoriginalusername007

First off, I just wanted to say how great it is that you're in recovery and getting help. So many people these days have eating disorders and refuse to get help. I really feel for you and I'm sorry that it's been tough for you to find a balance. I don't have much time to type out an elaborate response, but I just wanted to say that if it's eating 2300 calories daily or going back into higher treatment and being stuffed with shakes nearing 4000 calories or more daily, which would you rather? Though eating 2300 calories might seem like a lot to you and might make you feel bloated, I bet it feels better than being practically force fed. I'm sure if you're sent back into a higher level of treatment they're going to keep watch of what you eat or try to feed you. Maybe they wouldn't give you 4000 calories anymore now that you've already gained weight, but still, it must feel better to eat on your own what you want, when you want, and be in a lower level of treatment. You really don't want to slip backwards into the higher level again. You can do this! My stomach feels funny when I consume a lot of food at once, however I haven't had a past of bulimia to know what your stomach feels like- but I suggest splitting up your meals into smaller meals throughout the day so you're not consuming as much at one time and that should reduce the bloated feeling you said you get. Maybe if you have 6 meals with 400 calories at each that'd make it easier to reach your calorie goal. Because if you feel bloated easily, eating 3 larger meals with more than 700 calories at each meal might trigger that bloated feeling all the more.
In terms of good healthy foods you should try to incorporate into your plan to get more calories- avocado, peanut butter, nutella, butter crackers, orange juice, chocolate milk, whole milk. If you're a tea or coffee drinker, don't be afraid to add plenty of sugar. Maybe bake yourself a batch of cookies that you used to love as a kid before you started restricting what you ate. If you're well below your calorie goal and you're about to go to bed, enjoy a couple cookies with milk.
I hope your recovery goes well and that you don't lose as to not get into trouble. If you want more support, feel free to friend me!
Trust me, I bet you're beautiful even in the 120s, heck even in the 130s; try not to panic- with your height I bet you still look very thin and great in the 120s and 130s.

fatfudgery

I was reading your post, trying to figure out what the hell it had to do with Erectile Dysfunction, until I recognized the malapropism.

LOL, same here!

kae_blah

Good luck with your situation.

DawnEH612

I know it will be hard' but maybe stop weighing yourself... Try it for a few weeks and just see how it goes. That damn number of the scale F's with everyones head! You will start to feel bloated once you increase calories.. I am sure you have heard of refeeding edema.
T,ry to focus on general overall health. general health is not determined by the number on the scale. Nor is the value of who you are as a person. I struggled with this for a very long time. My sister still battles an ED despite going to one of the best ED clinics in the area.
Dont give up, its about progress, not perfection. Keep moving forward, one day at a time!

ltgarrow

I was reading your post, trying to figure out what the hell it had to do with Erectile Dysfunction, until I recognized the malapropism.

LOL, same here!

I've got to say, I'm not sure how I feel about the recoining of this term. Why can't we let Bob Dole have this one.

Kristineevans1

Hey, don't know if you have tried pro biotics to help with the bloating, I have atypical anorexia and have had a lot of issues with bloating and stomach problems through years of purging, and the pro biotics have been a life saver , you need a really high dose one like 15 billion per tablet but it really really helped me.

Im am still recovering more good day than bad and no purging as currently pregnant, add me if you want good luck, you know what you have to do x

geekyjock76

After years of ignoring hunger signals and restricting, it's common for anorexics during weight recovery to be hypercaloric with elevated levels of the hunger hormone, ghrelin. By acting in an extreme manner, your body responds similarly during refeeds since it's desperate to regain the weight it suddenly and rapidly lost. If you are tired of going in and out of treatment, then it's in your best interest to follow the advice of the treatment center. This means routinely consuming the targeted calorie amount and not falling back to restriction by eating as little as 700 calories daily.

Think of it this way: Each time you yo-yo and lose weight by severe restriction and then gain through weight recovery, you are ending up with less lean mass (muscle, bone, connective tissue) and more fat mass over time. The reason is that during restriction, you are losing an appreciable amount of lean mass with some fat mass. However, during weight recovery, you only regain a very small percentage of that lost lean mass. Thus, the difference gained comes from additional fat mass.

I know it's difficult, mentally, but you'll have to realize that scale weight isn't everything and adopt a healthier relationship with food (and calories in general). It isn't about numbers - it's about acquiring a higher quality of life for yourself. You've done well in recovery thus far. Keep on fighting it.