Facing my shallow response to my Child's weight gain

elisa123gal

I have always been a champion of the overweight. My mom was heavy..my hubby has always been overweight. I can look at any overweight person and see the amazing person they are. I admire the heavy set jogger, walker...person in gym. I admire them for going for it..and doing wha it takes to get healthy.

So, this weekend when my grown daughter came to visit me, my automatic reaction was shock and disappointment that she's gaining weight. She is no longer a petite girl.. but chubby and maybe 3 or 4 sizes bigger than her typical size. It really bothered me.. then it bothered me that I was bothered. Heck, she's allowed to gain weight.. I have during different times in my adult life.

Why did I judge her more harshly that the rest of the collective world? Thank goodness I kept my mouth shut..as I will continue to do so. I just hate to see weight be a life struggle for her..but I know it is her life and her choice.

Can any parents out there relate? Why are we harder on our kids?

pinuplove

Aw well, as you already know you did exactly the right thing (in this case, nothing). We want the best for our kids and hate to see them struggle. Your feelings are probably related to that.

I suppose on some level it could also bother you as a potential reflection on your parenting. 'If I had done such and such differently, would xxxx outcome still have happened?' (Applicable in many situations, not just here.)

FocusAchieveRepeat

We cannot like or dislike something about
another unless it’s sknething we like or dislike about ourselves.

When you think of looking at your daughter in that moment, and notice the reaction you felt....what were you afraid of for her?

midlomel1971

I'm relating to you big-time. My kids are young - my daughter is about to turn 13. My son is 9.

My son has gained a ton of weight this past year. He's getting straight up tubby and has quite a gut. He doesn't play outside as much as he used to and his diet is terrible. I try to get him to eat better, but he is autistic and he has some food issues that are common with kids on the spectrum. He just started the Cub Scouts and I bought him a size 12/14 shirt and it's almost too small to button.

My daughter is almost a teen and she cheers competitively so she's always working out. She's very fit, but I can already tell that she's going to have exactly my body shape, which is "junk in the trunk." She eats pretty healthy but she still has a sweet tooth like me. She loves soda and chips, too. I try to be as diplomatic as possible when I tell her that she won't always have a metabolism that allows her to eat like that and it's better to start healthy eating habits now. But then I stop myself because I don't want to give her any eating disorders! It's like walking a fine line between teaching them that eating too much causes obesity and that's bad, but not wanting them to have unhealthy body issues.

My son....I worry to death about him gaining weight, but pile that onto the hundred reasons I worry about him.

We are harder on our kids because we love them so much - usually more than we love ourselves. Sorry I don't have anything helpful to contribute other than, I feel your pain!

born_of_fire74

I totally relate. My son is extremely overweight. I definitely feel it is a reflection upon me and my parenting. I'm ashamed that when people see us together they think I didn't feed him properly, teach him properly or raise him properly even though he was an active kid with a healthy weight throughout his childhood--it's only since he left home to live with his dad that he's gotten so heavy. I can kind of comfort myself with that but I still dislike being seen with him since I can't exactly explain that it's he and his father who let things get this way, not me. Even if I could explain that everyone on the street, though, having the need to do so creates terrible guilt in me that can't be blamed on either of them. What a mess!

GoodLardy

My goodness. If your children have any inkling that you feel this way, don’t be surprised if your relationship is strained in the future. This convo is a lovely reminder to me how ashamed my mom was of myself and my sister growing up and how she still “blames herself”. Yet we at the same foods in same amounts as my thin siblings. If you know you’re children are active, eating appropriate food in appropriate amounts, why can’t you accept their bodies as is without caring what people think?

elisa123gal

GoodLardy wrote: »

My goodness. If your children have any inkling that you feel this way, don’t be surprised if your relationship is strained in the future. This convo is a lovely reminder to me how ashamed my mom was of myself and my sister growing up and how she still “blames herself”. Yet we at the same foods in same amounts as my thin siblings. If you know you’re children are active, eating appropriate food in appropriate amounts, why can’t you accept their bodies as is without caring what people think?

I agree with you... that's why my automatic otherwise response made me mad at myself. I never want to be the mother who makes her daughter feel fat...ever! But in my head I know how it will work against her in life.. but she isn't a child but a adult ..and it is none of my business. But, in all honesty .. I want her to be thin and to benefit from what that brings on all levels. I, myself, have been thin and fat.. and life is better all the way around not being overweight.

As for her sensing anything about my reaction? ,.. I don't think she did, as I kept it to myself. I made it a point to compliment her beautiful characteristics and professional accomplishments before our visit ended. I'm just glad I checked myself. I always say on the forums here.. "that every overweight person knows they are and they hate it.. they don't need anyone to tell them, confront them. And the same goes for her. She never confronted me during my fat mom days... and I'm sure back then she wished she had a skinny fashionable mom like some of her classmates.

GoodLardy

elisa123gal wrote: »

GoodLardy wrote: »

My goodness. If your children have any inkling that you feel this way, don’t be surprised if your relationship is strained in the future. This convo is a lovely reminder to me how ashamed my mom was of myself and my sister growing up and how she still “blames herself”. Yet we at the same foods in same amounts as my thin siblings. If you know you’re children are active, eating appropriate food in appropriate amounts, why can’t you accept their bodies as is without caring what people think?

I agree with you... that's why my automatic otherwise response made me mad at myself. I never want to be the mother who makes her daughter feel fat...ever! But in my head I know how it will work against her in life.. but she isn't a child but a adult ..and it is none of my business. But, in all honesty .. I want her to be thin and to benefit from what that brings on all levels. I, myself, have been thin and fat.. and life is better all the way around not being overweight.

As for her sensing anything about my reaction? ,.. I don't think she did, as I kept it to myself. I made it a point to compliment her beautiful characteristics and professional accomplishments before our visit ended. I'm just glad I checked myself. I always say on the forums here.. "that every overweight person knows they are and they hate it.. they don't need anyone to tell them, confront them. And the same goes for her. She never confronted me during my fat mom days... and I'm sure back then she wished she had a skinny fashionable mom like some of her classmates.

I didn’t mean to direct it at you, I apologize. It hit a nerve and I thought I saw it headed down a bad road. You did the right thing with her.

Millicent3015

born_of_fire74 wrote: »

I totally relate. My son is extremely overweight. I definitely feel it is a reflection upon me and my parenting. I'm ashamed that when people see us together they think I didn't feed him properly, teach him properly or raise him properly even though he was an active kid with a healthy weight throughout his childhood--it's only since he left home to live with his dad that he's gotten so heavy. I can kind of comfort myself with that but I still dislike being seen with him since I can't exactly explain that it's he and his father who let things get this way, not me. Even if I could explain that everyone on the street, though, having the need to do so creates terrible guilt in me that can't be blamed on either of them. What a mess!

So you're ashamed of your son's weight gain but relieved because it isn't your fault. However, you still dislike being seen with him because you apparently care more about what people might think of you than how you could be helping him. Have you asked him why he's put on the weight? Is he having issues with his life, his dad, or with you? Does he just enjoy eating or is it an emotional response to stress? Maybe focus on your son instead of lamenting how his weight reflects poorly on your self image. Because he's probably picking up on the negative signals you're sending his way.

born_of_fire74

GoodLardy wrote: »

My goodness. If your children have any inkling that you feel this way, don’t be surprised if your relationship is strained in the future. This convo is a lovely reminder to me how ashamed my mom was of myself and my sister growing up and how she still “blames herself”. Yet we at the same foods in same amounts as my thin siblings. If you know you’re children are active, eating appropriate food in appropriate amounts, why can’t you accept their bodies as is without caring what people think?

If you are addressing me, well, my son and I have all sorts of issues not related to his weight. I was a single teen mother. He was difficult child that I was not equipped to deal with very well. We lived in abject poverty for most of his childhood. His father was barely around and offered zero financial support during that time. His father is also not a good influence on him now that he is around in his adult years. And so much more...

I could write pages and pages and pages describing our difficulties but most of them are not relevant to the topic at hand. All I can say is that I did the best I could with what I had given the circumstances and my own personality, strength and weaknesses. That doesn't keep me from feeling like I failed my son or that people judge me for it though.

girlwithcurls2

The fact that you realized in the moment where your thoughts were going means that your thinking really has changed. It's hard with our own kids. I've been modeling for my kids what I'd like them to have: an activity that they enjoy, cooking meals from good recipes, healthy portions, cutting back if the pounds creep on, etc. But I have 5 sisters, and I was always the "big boned one," so with 3 daughters, I will not allow them to grow up not knowing how strong and beautiful they are. I never knew that about myself.

My oldest is short and stocky. She had always been inactive. However, something bit her brain 2 years ago, and she found out that she LOVES heavy lifting. She loves being that short gal at work (with all men) who can lift anything. She loves competition. She loves feeling strong. She loves knowing what her body can do for her. I truly think that by NEVER giving her the impression that she was any less than anyone else, she found her own way. Her youngest sister resembles her so much, and idolizes her, but is nearly completely inactive. Yes, she's short. Yes, she's quite soft right now, but there's time. I found fitness at 45. The sooner the better, but ultimately, it's up to the individual.

Good for you for just keeping your mouth shut. Love her. Accept her. Understand that her body has nothing to do with you anymore. Never make it a topic of conversation. She'll love you for it

born_of_fire74

Millicent3015 wrote: »

born_of_fire74 wrote: »

I totally relate. My son is extremely overweight. I definitely feel it is a reflection upon me and my parenting. I'm ashamed that when people see us together they think I didn't feed him properly, teach him properly or raise him properly even though he was an active kid with a healthy weight throughout his childhood--it's only since he left home to live with his dad that he's gotten so heavy. I can kind of comfort myself with that but I still dislike being seen with him since I can't exactly explain that it's he and his father who let things get this way, not me. Even if I could explain that everyone on the street, though, having the need to do so creates terrible guilt in me that can't be blamed on either of them. What a mess!

So you're ashamed of your son's weight gain but relieved because it isn't your fault. However, you still dislike being seen with him because you apparently care more about what people might think of you than how you could be helping him. Have you asked him why he's put on the weight? Is he having issues with his life, his dad, or with you? Does he just enjoy eating or is it an emotional response to stress? Maybe focus on your son instead of lamenting how his weight reflects poorly on your self image. Because he's probably picking up on the negative signals you're sending his way.

I'm sure he is but there's boatloads of baggage involved here. As I mentioned in my last response, I could write pages and pages and pages on our dysfunctions however it's really not relevant to OP. I'm not looking for therapy or advice on repairing my relationship. My involvement here is to offer support and empathy. Sometimes just knowing that you're not alone is enough. Maybe knowing it could be a whole lot worse will also help her feel better. Cheers.