Unsupportive family

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jryepin93
jryepin93 Posts: 73 Member
in Motivation and Support
Right now I'm in grad school and I'm currently living at home while working part-time as a substitute teacher. My family is extremely unsupportive of me losing weight and constantly criticize everything I do, especially my food choices. I think my mom has her own issues with her weight (she isn't overweight at all though) which she projects on me. For example two days ago she said my stomach was looking very flat and then today she says that now it looks a lot chubbier than two days ago and she told me that I must've eaten a lot more (I didn't) and gained weight (uh..no). When I got upset, she tried to laugh it off but then made a comment that my face looked rounder too. I've been working really hard and comments like this just crush me. I try not to get upset and defensive because I think it's only adding fire to the fuel, but it's really difficult. Does anyone else deal with an unsupportive family? How do you deal with it?
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Replies

  • IHaveMyActTogether
    IHaveMyActTogether Posts: 945 Member
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    Check out this thread:

    https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10684390/the-weight-loss-translator#latest
  • jryepin93
    jryepin93 Posts: 73 Member
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    @jgnatca she would kill me if I ever put her in a nursing home lmao! and yes she has a masters degree in physics and chemistry which sucks even more cause she was very thin when she was in grad school.

    @linda2017th thank you for the suggestion!
  • Running2Fit
    Running2Fit Posts: 702 Member
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    I’m sorry your family is so unsupportive, that’s really hard. Just remember that her comments are so much more about any issues she has than anything else.

    I don’t know what your relationship with your mom is like but is there any chance that having a discussion with her about how her comments (not a specific comment but just in general the things she say) effect you would do any good?
  • jryepin93
    jryepin93 Posts: 73 Member
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    I've told her multiple times to stop, but she hasn't which is frustrating. My weight loss seems almost like a joke to her :/
  • DearPrudence81
    DearPrudence81 Posts: 1 Member
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    I don't have the greatest support at home either. I'm married and my husband and I have a 5 1/2 year old daughter AND we live with his mom. She is not into diets or trying to eat healthy by any means. My daughter loves her pasta and sweets. And my husband works out on the elliptical almost every day. His answer to me is, get on the machine. I work more days than he does and I'm gone a lot longer than he is and I do most of the housework, shopping and cleaning.

    I have started a health program through my OB office. It's a wellness program for women needing to loose weight. I have also joined up with two female friends for support.

    God Bless you, and pray for wisdom.
  • Faebert
    Faebert Posts: 1,588 Member
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    That sounds really difficult and I feel for you. Family dynamics can be tricky things, and just because someone is slim, doesn’t mean they don’t have their own weight or food hang ups. Sounds like your mother may have some, and is threatened by your efforts in some way. Perhaps her own self- esteem is a little too wrapped up in the fact that she is ‘the slim one’?

    Whatever her reasons, it seems that talking to her about it hasn’t really helped so I would say it’s time to accept that the issue is hers, and try and detach emotionally from it as much as possible to protect yourself.

    We can’t control the actions of others, but we can control our own responses to them.

    Keep up the good work, try and ignore the comments, and when they come, just remind yourself that they are about her issues, not really about you at all.

    Good luck x
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    Stop talking about your weight loss, if your mum brings it up just say you aren't losing weight or change the subject.
  • StarBright147
    StarBright147 Posts: 26 Member
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    It’s hard when our families are not supportive. It helps to surround yourself by others that are supportive of your journey. Our bodies are always changing and may look different day to day for whatever reason. Moms tend to notice and the feedback may not always be welcomed. I read our body image is formed by our mothers at an early age, which can make it tough when they are critical although they tend to have good intentions.
  • Jadesfire93
    Jadesfire93 Posts: 92 Member
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    I'm in almost the same boat. Work full time, grad school part time, and I live with my mom to cut down on living expenses while I pay off my BS degree loans. My mom most definitely has her own issues with food, which contributed to my own messed up relationship with nutrition, and to say this is an awkward arrangement for me now would be putting it VERY mildly.
    - I agree with the poster above that said when these "conversations" start to just imagine the home and life you'll have when you graduate and move out. I've got quite the castle built up by now.
    - I've also taken to taking long walks after dinner- which helps me get away from the computer for a little while, and gets me out of the house for a little to calm down and refocus.

    Both of those techniques let me hold civil conversations, and I can politely shut down any topics related to my diet/lifestyle changes. Hold onto the reality that sometime in the next year or three you will be walking across a stage and adding those letters behind your name. Won't that feel fantastic!
  • countcurt
    countcurt Posts: 593 Member
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    Well, if she cares about you but is simply misguided, one or two reminders that her approach isn’t helpful should fix the issue.

    Have you considered the possibility that your mother just isn’t a very nice person? Because, frankly, that’s what you’re describing. You describe a situation in which you have little control. It’s her house and she gets to make the rules. So, you’ve got a couple of choices, assuming you can’t fix her:

    1. Move out. You can too afford it. You may have to put grad school on hold (or make it part-time) to work full time to do this but you will be free of her.
    2. Try to point out to her how her comments are counterproductive.
    3. Shut up, buy a calendar and mark off each day between now and when you can move out.


    Whatever you do, don’t threaten #1 unless you plan to follow through. Empty threatens only embolden bullies and idiots.
  • weighmeless
    weighmeless Posts: 42 Member
    edited October 2018
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    Sorry to say, It’s hard but family sometimes can be pain the b***
    Not that they mean anything but it’s just that they think it’s their right to say something regardless of whether you want to hear it or not. In the process they sometimes say things according to their experience which really doesn’t help rather annoy or sounds negative.
    I had my share with a close family member who kept arguing why my way of exercising along with the diet I follow wouldn’t work & hers would. Her explanation made sense but my dedication & confidence took over. Sadly hers never did and I lost about 23lbs at the same time though I wanted her to lose weight as much as mine. Bottom line - never give up no matter if you think it would work. People will calm down once they start seeing the difference & it will take time. But well before that you can and feel the difference for sure. All the best :)
  • jryepin93
    jryepin93 Posts: 73 Member
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    Thank you, everyone, for your kind and supportive comments! I think the best thing for now is to just avoid the topic of weight loss with my mom indefinitely. Also thank you @Evelyn_Gorfram for the chuckle! I love those translations lol @CCgal2018 I really like the idea of the gray rock! I'll probably try this too.
  • Psychgrrl
    Psychgrrl Posts: 3,177 Member
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    jryepin93 wrote: »
    Right now I'm in grad school and I'm currently living at home while working part-time as a substitute teacher. My family is extremely unsupportive of me losing weight and constantly criticize everything I do, especially my food choices. I think my mom has her own issues with her weight (she isn't overweight at all though) which she projects on me. For example two days ago she said my stomach was looking very flat and then today she says that now it looks a lot chubbier than two days ago and she told me that I must've eaten a lot more (I didn't) and gained weight (uh..no). When I got upset, she tried to laugh it off but then made a comment that my face looked rounder too. I've been working really hard and comments like this just crush me. I try not to get upset and defensive because I think it's only adding fire to the fuel, but it's really difficult. Does anyone else deal with an unsupportive family? How do you deal with it?

    Always easier said than done, but you can’t control your family, only how you react/respond. You’re right. It’s her issue—when she tries to get on you, tell yourself “it’s not me, it’s her. And I will not make her issue my problem. I know what I’m doing.”

    Sometimes the people who are supposed to live is the most end up being the most hurtful. Sometimes I think it’s because they feel the love/relationship will earn them forgiveness.

    Whatever the reason she’s doing this, find your way to smile and nod through the bull *kitten* and keep your mantra going in your head. :heart:
  • DaisyHamilton
    DaisyHamilton Posts: 575 Member
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    My sister's birthday was this past weekend. I got a second bowl of nachos (for my husband, not even myself) and my step dad asked me "Where do you plan on wearing those?"
    I told him to mind his own business and it's not funny. Of course he said "It's funny to me" so I said "Good for you" and walked away. He's always been like that and it sure doesn't help my recovered ED. I know being snarky to someone isn't the right answer, but honestly it helps.

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