In a Dark Place

kamakazeekim

In the spring of 2017, I was hospitalized anorexia; it definitely worked for symptom interruption. I was doing well maintaining a weight at 140 lbs until my doctor took me off my medication for PCOS about 8 months ago. My weight has since soared to 175. I've been restricting which has helped halt the weight gain but I haven't lost a single pound. I saw an endocrinologist a few weeks ago who essentially encouraged me to have a full blown relapse...he said to do intermittent fasting while keeping my daily calories under 900 for the day.
I had a breakdown today and packed up all of my clothes but 5 hideous shirts, 2 pair of jeans and 3 pair of dress pants for work. I used to self-harm...its been 8 years since the last time but I sooo want to today...this must be what an addict feels like when they need a hit...I dont know if I'm going to be able to resist the urge. I can't bring myself to go into public because of how hideous I feel. I'm supposed to go to Los Vegas in 10 days but the thought of it is causing a panic attack because of how far and ugly I am. I'm also supposed to be going out with some old high school friends next weekend but I don't think I can bring myself to do it. I loath how I look...I loath everything about myself. I know this sounds petty and poor me but unless you've been an ugly and fat female you won't understand.

kami3006

Do you still have a treatment team? You need to reach out to them immediately. Please don't self harm.

You're in my thoughts!

@sarahbums thought you would have some insight here.

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StarBright147

I agree with the other comments to see your treatment team. You need someone to look at the big picture and do the lab work. I was 130 and went rapidly to 193 due to health issues. I’m at 165 now. It’s not a good feeling but it’s reversible. It’s tough because weight loss is not a fast process. A gastroenterologist has helped me with my diet and feeling better physically. Connect with your medical team. Hugs.

snowflake954

Yes--you need professional help. Please get it. I read your profile. I think you should read it again, you put some good thoughts in there, and you're doing this for your children.