I'm feeling so lost and trapped.

lavapixie
lavapixie Posts: 26 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
This is going to sound so stupid, I feel like I'm stupid for struggling like this. I've been struggling with this for months but this is the first time I'm talking about it. I just thought this was normal and that I shouldn't tell anyone about this but I now feel like I have to. I've been losing weight since May 2017, I've almost lost 30 kg (I am only 200 grams shy, or I was), I was 95 kilos when I started and now I'm almost to 65. My goal is 60 kg. I'm 170 cm tall and I'm a 22 year old female. I'm currently eating 1350 calories a day. I've been thinking about upping them, but to be honest I'm terrified I will gain weight even though I don't think I will.

I've been having a really hard time getting the last kilos of me. I used to lose around 2 kilos every month, but it slowed down dramatically this summer because to be honest, I didn't behave too well. I binge ate more than usually, sometimes 3 times a month and everytime made me feel like I was worthless.

I binge eat now at least once a month, and I just did now. Ate way too many cookies, I always have this problem of not being able to control myself. I absolutely love baking, it helps me relax and I love doing it for my family. Everytime I make some delicious cookies or cake (which is maybe like once a month) I promise myself to not binge on it. I say to myself "You can have a little bit, but you have to promise me you won't eat too much. I know it's gonna be hard but just try your best." and then one day later, I'm sitting in my room, depressed and showing food in my mouth. It's like all control flies out the window when I try to restrain myself. It starts with "Just a little bit more," and then it turns into "Who the hell cares? You can just burn the extra calories or don't eat anymore today.".

I started trying to counter this by going for longer walks. Instead of going for 40 minutes once a day, I go twice for one hour so I walk about 2 hours every other day. Somedays I do 3 hours. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I do some cardio at home for an hour. I think I'm burning at least 200 calories when I do cardio. However, I stopped entering my exercises into MFP because I always thought to myself "If you have a few crackers (35 calories each) you won't have to log your exercise because it all balances out" so I never logged them. I'm trying to change that, I'm going to try and log everything I eat and every exercise, but I feel like I'm cheating somehow if I log my whole exercise. If I walk for 2 hours, I only log 1 hour because I feel like I don't deserve the rest of the calories.

Everytime I binge as well, I get so angry and sad. I constantly tell myself "You've lost the privilege of dinner now/midnight snack. Either you go for a 2-3 hour walk/do cardio for 1-2 hours or you can't eat for the rest of the day." and then I usually go out and try to burn those calories, but I'm getting tired of exercising for so long everytime I eat a little more. This is so stupid, but I feel like I'm trapped sometimes. I obsess over food, I constantly think about my next meal and countdown the minutes. I take a nap if I feel like the next time I get to eat is far away. I'm also obsessed with weighing myself, I do it multiple times a day.

I just ate around 800 calories in one sitting and I'm thinking "Now you have to go take that walk." but I feel so tired. So frustrated and lost. Sorry for the rant but does anyone have any advice? I just feel like my relationship with food is very poor lately.

Replies

  • skyie1
    skyie1 Posts: 1 Member
    Sounds like you should see a councilor to discuss entitlement issues... I've been there, I still go there sometimes! But I've been doing some counseling and seeing a nutritionist - and I had to come to terms with the baking and find something else to do for my family because it was self-sabotage. I can tell myself to be rational all I want, but I have no self control when it comes to sweets, so... its not allowed in the house. If my husband wants cake, donuts, whatever... he goes to the store or a diner and enjoys it without me... but, for me, talking to someone helped alot, I'm not cured, but I am a work in progress.
  • zenchic82
    zenchic82 Posts: 1 Member
    I've definitely been there, and you are totally right to reach out. It does sound like your relationship with food is bordering obsessive. I am wondering if there isn't more that's going on that you are projecting on food and weight loss? I only ask because I have a tendency to focus most on my diet and weight loss as a way to focus and control something--anything--in my life. Usually these obsessions can come at time of great uncertainty. Other times, it comes out of sheer boredom--another red flag that something else is missing. Through my struggles I have learned to focus my energy on different pursuits and if I do it right, I will keep busy enough not to obsess. The thing about weight loss is...so much of it is chemical. It takes consistent moderate dieting, hydration, nutrition/supplementation and sleep. We can't rush it along no matter how much we vow to go to the extremes to 'make it happen.' My advice? Practice a little self-love, implement relaxation, engage with the world around you and savor every emotional moment. Slow down, and ask yourself why is this so important? And if it truly is important, how will you realistically achieve this?

    I apologize if I sound preachy, hope this helps.
  • mooreks81
    mooreks81 Posts: 15 Member
    edited October 2018
    ugh, I'm so sorry.

    I recommend:
    1) Try to see a therapist because what you have going on is some emotional pain surrounding food and it would be good to talk to a professional who has background on this particular topic.
    2) If baking is such a problem, don't tempt yourself by baking in the first place
    3) Enlist the help of another person. Tell them you want to have 2 cookies and then you want them to take the cookies away. Then get your mind off of it by doing something else. Chew some gum so that you have something tasty in your mouth but you aren't eating another cookie. Or brush your teeth.
    4) Log everything. If you have binged, don't give up hope. It's never too late to stop eating. Just log it and move on. 800 calories in one sitting isn't even that bad in the grand scheme of things. That's like one large meal. If you follow that up with a salad for dinner, you're still on track!
    5) Relatedly, know your "maintenance" calories if you can, so you don't feel despondent if you go over your goal calories for a day but you're still near (less or only a bit over) maintenance calories.
    6) Reconsider your goals. Why did you choose 60 kg instead of 65 as a goal weight? I am just about your same height and current weight. It's very healthy, slim, etc. You have made SO much progress. I wouldn't "trap" yourself trying to get to 60 kg if I were you.

    ALSO -- You are NOT stupid! Get that out of your head.
  • rgbmore
    rgbmore Posts: 85 Member
    Everyone has posted very good and thoughtful advice, but to add with the whole baking and binging thing:
    I do the same thing, so I make the goodies, and leave only some of them out. The rest are frozen, given away, taken to work, etc. Try to make smaller portions (one dozen vs. two) of treats. I had a crash where I was ready to binge, there were only two cookies, and I was too lazy to thaw the others. Binge feelings often pass if you wait them out--so sure, have the two cookies so you don't go crazy, but then try to wait it out. Start with lessening the binges rather than stopping them all together. As well, maybe exercising and doing the really restrictive meals earlier in the day might help, so you have a cushion in the evening when you are baking or feeling low.
    Definitely get some help on that weighing multiple times a day and self punishing attitude. But also know that you are a good person trying to become healthier and baby steps are still steps forward. You are doing alright, we all have setbacks. I mean, how many times have you seen Oprah swear she has found weight loss heaven and then she gets big again?? And she has all the money in the world to get special meals made and personal trainers. So you are not stupid, neither is Oprah, and everyone has their struggles. Hang in there!! <3
  • knhigham
    knhigham Posts: 11 Member
    Don’t beat yourself up over it. As you have less weight to lose, it will come off slower. Consider reducing your daily deficit to allow yourself more “give” in your day to day eating.

    Psychologically, the app is meant to penalize you for going “over” and making you think that you’ll gain weight if you’re over. Just remind yourself that all it means is that you aren’t losing as fast as you could.
  • PAV8888
    PAV8888 Posts: 14,254 Member
    edited October 2018
    Have a look at the re-feeds and diet breaks thread and implement a re-feed and then continue that into a good long diet break.

    It is not uncommon for people who have been at a large deficit for a long period of time to develop issues.

    By eating at maintenance for a while and by, afterwards, only continuing with a very small deficit, you might find that your desire to binge substantially goes away.

    If it doesn't, or if it has been a long standing issue for you, looking into the root causes and applying some of the great suggestions made above would be good starting points.

    However continuing to attempt a large deficit will only "feed" the restrict/binge cycle.

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