Managing Expectations; or, "What I Am Gonna Do About My Family? (Holiday Edition)"

Evelyn_Gorfram

I going to my Mom's for Thanksgiving, and all the siblings and in-laws and nephews and grands are going to be there. I'm not very worried about the food itself. Each of us has at least a few dietary restrictions, and Mom has the most restrictions of any of us. That means that a person's need to eat what they say they need to eat is respected by matriarchal fiat.

What I'm worried about is how they'll react to seeing my weight loss; and my response to their reactions or lack thereof. They last saw me in August, just before I started losing weight, and I'll probably have lost a total of about 20-25 pounds by then. It's the difference between 313 and 288-293 lbs, though; so, although I'm noticing lots of small changes, I still mostly just look like someone who is very heavily obese.

Scenario 1: I am barely inside Mom's front door when I am greeted by a chorus of enthusiasm: "Evelyn! You've lost weight, haven't you?" "Wow! That's wonderful!" "Congratulations!" "You look so good!"

Scenario 2: I walk in Mom's front door, waking Mom up from a nap (she's 89: naps are an important part of her daily agenda). As I'm carrying in my luggage, a few siblings and/or in-laws pass me in the hallway, say "Hello" and give me a hug, and then go back to whatever they were doing. Once Mom is fully awake, I go sit within range of her hearing aids and she immediately asks me whether I've eaten and then proceeds to catalog every edible in the house just in case I might want it (while she'll respect my right not to eat any of it, I have to respect what she sees as an iron-clad obligation of hospitality).

Scenario 3: Something in between those two extremes.


If they don't notice at all, that'll be good in that I won't have to talk about it and risk receiving any solicitous concern from my mom and sibs, or any guff from the in-laws. But the little kid in me who wants to show off her hard-won accomplishments will be disappointed.

Any advice for bucking myself up?

Machka9

Change your hairstyle and get a new outfit ... then that will be what people notice.

TavistockToad

Machka9 wrote: »

Change your hairstyle and get a new outfit ... then that will be what people notice.

Yes! Definitely get a nice new holiday outfit... and shoes, and a bag!

snowflake954

I'd just say "Oh really?" "Do you think so?" "Then you're my favorite (insert here-brother, sister, aunt, nephew,.....)" Then say " You're looking great too, what have you been up to lately?"

Lounmoun

One year I walked into Thanksgiving and a relative came up and asked when I was due. Was not pregnant. It was kind of a horrible awkward day.
I guess I'd say you could just try to be positive and thankful (because Thanksgiving) that all of your potential scenarios are pretty positive. You don't see to be imaging people are going to lecture you about your weight or really hassle you if you say no to a food so just smile and change the subject.

msf74

Expect them to say nothing (nice) or not notice.

That way if they do you'll be pleasantly surprised and if they don't you'll be right.

Win - win for you.

WJS_jeepster

Hah - I love scenario #2 with the offering of EVERY food in the house. My mom does that. If you are sitting at the table with a plate of rolls right in front of you, she will repeatedly "offer" you the rolls, like you couldn't just reach out and grab one if you wanted. It really never stops.

psychod787

Lol I am in my mid 30's and nap times are the highlight of my day. I would offer a scenario 4.... don't worry about it. Its family! They can be wildcards when it comes to what they do and say. Ok, my family are wildcards! I hope it all goes well and we ALL survive the holidays!

pinuplove

I like the new hairstyle and outfit idea because, new things! And it gives everyone something to focus on besides your weight loss that they might or might not notice. Good luck Holidays with family can be...interesting.

Evelyn_Gorfram

@Lounmoun Thanks You are quite right, my family doesn't have the really hurtful horror-show potential that that so many MFP'ers are faced with at holiday gatherings. That's partly because the worst serial offenders are no longer invited to these things; and partly because we're very "Protestant" in that what is said is often much less important than what is not said.

Neither my BIL nor my SIL are quite so reserved, but BIL is usually just honestly clueless and can generally accept being told so. Not so much with SIL; but in the 35 years she's been married to Bro, and despite my honest and strenuous best efforts for most of them, I still haven't figured out how not to accidentally *kitten* her off all the time. Sadly for her, that leaves me with a lot less incentive to avoid *kitten*ing her off on purpose. If either she or BIL have too much to say about my weight loss - well, I'm not going to fight very hard against saying the smart*kitten* thing that will inevitably come to mind.

WJS_jeepster wrote: »

Hah - I love scenario #2 with the offering of EVERY food in the house. My mom does that. If you are sitting at the table with a plate of rolls right in front of you, she will repeatedly "offer" you the rolls, like you couldn't just reach out and grab one if you wanted. It really never stops.

Seriously.

Last time she started with the stew and the baked chicken she had insisted on preparing even though I had told her I'd be stopping for a meal on the way. She went on to describe the leftovers and otherwise ready-to-eat items in the fridge, followed by those that could be cooked. For her big finish, she reviewed the highlights of the canned goods and other staple items in the cupboards, followed by the signature sign-off: "Or we could always go out."

It's frustrating, and amusing; but I also understand where it comes from. She grew up in a farming culture, where food was not just what they ate - it was also their stock-in-trade. Her family were already impoverished before the Depression and the Dust Bowl years hit, and "stock levels" were sometimes very extremely low. There seems to be a thing among people who've known chronic hunger; where food and rituals related to it are used to show love, acceptance, and hospitality.

(However, that makes it no less irritating the eighth or ninth time you have to decline taking a roll from the bowl on the table. )

countcurt

Evelyn_Gorfram wrote: »

What I'm worried about is how they'll react to seeing my weight loss; and my response to their reactions or lack thereof. They last saw me in August, just before I started losing weight, and I'll probably have lost a total of about 20-25 pounds by then. It's the difference between 313 and 288-293 lbs, though; so, although I'm noticing lots of small changes, I still mostly just look like someone who is very heavily obese.

I think it's telling that it's four weeks out from Thanksgiving and this is what you're pondering. And though you frame it differently, it also sounds like a lose-lose for your family. If they notice, you're going to have to deal with their solicitous concern. If they don't notice, they've not lived up to your expectations and deprived you of your moment in the sun.


I don't know exactly how to word this, but weight loss is a lonely endeavor. You will, along the way, have lots of input. And no input. But it's not a team sport; you'll need to set your own goals then make and execute your own decisions. You'll be best served if you filter all of that other noise out and focus on what you need to do to meet your goals.

WJS_jeepster

Evelyn_Gorfram wrote: »

. There seems to be a thing among people who've known chronic hunger; where food and rituals related to it are used to show love, acceptance, and hospitality.

(However, that makes it no less irritating the eighth or ninth time you have to decline taking a roll from the bowl on the table. )

That's really interesting - my mom's whole family is/was like this, and they were really malnourished during WWII. That actually explains a whole lot - thanks for the insight!

mariececilia10

I’m uncomfortable when family or friends or anyone comments on my weight. I’ve been underweight, average weight, overweight and obese and have attended family gatherings at each size. No one’s commented on it in ages, because most of them know I’ve struggled with disordered eating. I usually get “Oh you look so beautiful,” which is an appropriate-at-any-size comment, and I really appreciate their thoughtfulness. But if someone were to say something along the lines of “Oh, you’ve lost weight,” or “Have you lost weight,” my reply would be something like “No, I don’t think so.” That kind of shuts down the topic, and keeps everyone eyes off of me and I don’t feel like people are going to be noticing what and how much I do or do not eat. That way if I decide to go in for the pies or whatever, or I show up to the next gathering 10 lbs heavier, no worries, I wasn’t trying to lose weight in the first place ;-) Shutting down the speculation basically keeps my business my business, which I’ve learned for me is the safest route.