Scared and losing motivation

idoogo

I’ve always been overweight. And I blamed everything on my weight as I was growing up as did my parents. Whenever I failed at something my parents always said it was because I was fat. They‘d say nobody will love me, nobody will hire me in the future and that I‘ll end up miserable, lonely and fat in some sh*tty apartment regretting my life decisions. As you can see hearing these things over and over again I came to believe I was worthless and that I couldn’t make anything of myself because I was fat.

Starting at the age of 8, I was taken to countless nutritionists, doctors, psychologists and even hypnotists. Nothing ever worked because my child-self never really understood what was going on.

Years went by as I grew larger and my weight became a depressing safety net (as ironic as that sounds). It became something I could blame things on without taking responsibility. I grew larger and larger and never really wanted to do anything to fix it because I believed I was just too fat to do anything. With that mindset I got stuck in an evil loop and became depressed. All the things I heard growing up started weighing heavy on my chest. My relationships suffered. My friendships suffered. All because I believed I was too fat.

And one day I finally decided to do something about it. I remember the day very clearly. I had moved away by then, to a different country, as far away as possible from my parents and had been living alone for about 2 years. I woke up one cold March morning, sick of myself, sick of this saggy, fat, disgusting thing called my body. I decided to get on the scales just because I was curious of how much I had *kitten* up since that last time I weighed myself. The scales I had could only weigh up to 150kgs. I saw the numbers 153,... Before I could read what came after the comma, the scales went off. For a min or two I just stood there on the scales, to let that sink in. I was so fat that I had just broken something. This is my rock bottom I said to myself. This is a wake up call.

After that day I started making serious changes in my life. I did lots of research and decided a ketogenic lifestyle to be the best fit for me. For a morbidly obese sugar addict I think that decision took balls. With the support of a friend with whom I had coincidentally ‚just’ became friends at the time, I started my journey. I have to admit it hasn’t been easy nor am I at the end of my journey. There’s been lots of ups and downs. Lots of heartbreak and trauma (passing away of 2 family members very recently).

It’s been 2 years since I made the decision of changing my life for the better. I‘ve lost 40kgs(I’m slow, I know). While enjoying the confidence that came with the weight loss, I‘ve started to realise how my weight had been hiding lots of other issues. Now that my safety net is disappearing, I‘m feeling more and more vulnerable than ever as I can’t blame things on my weight anymore. Lately I find myself more depressed and scared of what might come to light if I keep scratching the surface. I‘m scared that I won’t like the person I become at the end of this weight loss journey and that I might run into problems I actually can’t do anything about.

I wanted to ask you if anybody has had a similar experience. I’m really struggling

Thank you for bearing with me

pinuplove

You're right - losing weight does not solve all your problems. What it does do is improve your health and day-to-day quality of life, so don't give up! Well done so far! 40kg is great, and slow and steady is a good way to do it.

Have you spoken to a therapist about the issues you're struggling with?

tulips_and_tea

Wow, I'm so sorry your parents treated you that way and how it affected you. That's terrible. Good for you for moving away and taking steps to control your life!

The mental aspect of losing weight is very rarely addressed until it's absolutely necessary. Everyone goes through stages and it takes a while to accept your changing body. You've done really well so far - keep it up!

As to the fear of uncovering more pain, all I can say is just face it and fight it. If not, it will never go away and will forever bubble under the surface. I agree that speaking to a qualified therapist with whom you feel comfortable would be a great idea, but whatever you do, don't give up out of fear!

manderson27

Your story really touched me.

I believe that having made such a huge change to your thinking regarding your weight it is going to take time to adjust mentally. But I also believe that you will find the strength to face whatever you might discover about yourself in the future. Take heart that the hardest part (being totally honest with yourself) is over and you are moving forward. Accepting that there are things ahead of you that might be difficult to deal with also takes guts.

Do not be afraid to reach out if needed, it is not a weakness to acknowledge when you need a little extra help. It is a sign that you are getting to know yourself. Acknowledging what you can do alone and what you can't is another step in the process

You sound like a wonderful person who has had a cr*ppy upbringing but you are obviously a strong person, you haven't caved in you have pushed forward to make your life better and I am sure you will succeed, you are stronger than you think.

All the best for your future self you deserve it. xx

idoogo

I’ve been thinking about therapy lately. I might go for it but there’s the language barrier.

Thank you all for your kind replies

HoneyBadger302

I believe there are some online therapists as well (good ones) who can meet over the phone and/or email - that may be an option in that regard.

You've come a long ways, and it will be important to accept the good along with the bad. I know my parents were very much of the "your best is never good enough" ilk, and to this day I see how that still affects me - but one thing I've learned is that, no matter how negative I am about "x" I can also find good things and I need to keep reminding myself of the things I've done well with - even if part of me doesn't believe it, I still need to keep reminding myself of those things.

Embrace your accomplishments, and try to find some liberty in being able to face things head on rather than hiding behind a false curtain. You've made great progress - give yourself credit where it's due!

jhilkene

Self awareness can be eye opening, upsetting, rewarding, scary, and encouraging. You sound like you know a lot about yourself already. Confidence is one thing, self esteem and self worth are another. If you don't have those already, then you should! Just from reading your post it sounds like you have done amazing things for yourself, because you are worth it!
Like the above poster stated, if online therapy is available that sounds like it would work well for you.

We should always strive to become better people.

dhiammarath

*hughughug* I agree with the suggestions of trying to find someone to talk to. Take it one day at a time and try to find joy in the little things.

Congratulations on your weight loss. What great progress beyond losing weight, but in reclaiming your life! I wish you all the success in your future journey.

girlwithcurls2

idoogo wrote: »

I’ve been thinking about therapy lately. I might go for it but there’s the language barrier.

Thank you all for your kind replies

Keep looking. You are worth it. The sooner you address this, the more successful you'll be with future weight loss and coming to terms with the new you. It's cliche, but you are becoming a butterfly in a way. Remember that life is full of obstacles. Don't let yourself become one of them. It sounds like you need help seeing yourself the way others do. Be your own best friend. What would you tell him/her?

snowflake954

You can do this. I live in a foreign country too, and I'll think you'll be able to find a therapist that speaks english--most professionals do. Keep looking until you find one that is a good fit. What you're describing is too complicated to overcome alone. On-line is an option, but whether that's better than talking face-to-face has to be your decision. Good luck. Have a bright future.