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wheeliea

Hi, I have been trying to lose weight for over 15 years now, and all I have done is gain more weight. My average weight is now the highest it's ever been. I love carbs and sugar, I am addicted to them. I love fattening lattes from Starbucks. I love bread and pasta. I don't have time for exercise or cooking. My schedule is such that I spend about 15 hours a day towards work, and I come home and fall into bed due to exhaustion. I've tried LoseIt, WeightWatchers, MyFitnessPal in the past, Noom, and I don't think it matters what the app is, I don't have the time or energy to eat right and exercise. So if anyone out there has any ideas how I can make this work I'd really appreciate the replies.

happytree923

Start small. Starbucks drinks can be made lower calorie by using almond or nonfat milk, skinny syrup, no whipped cream etc. log even if you're not eating the way you think you should. This will help you figure out where your excess calories are coming from. Also, you need to make this a priority. You can be successful even with a long, stressful work schedule, stop telling yourself it's impossible! Use your days off the prep meals for the week so you don't have to think about it. You can make a large batch of a simple dish in the same amount of time it takes to wait in a Starbucks drive thru line at a peak time.

wheeliea

Thanks happytree, you are right I don't make this a priority. I need to start making it one. Thanks for the almond milk tip for Starbucks!

PigHerder

This might sound a bit harsh, but in your case, I don't agree with the "Start Small" advice. I think if you're being honest about your life in your original post, then you need to start BIG. If your job is impacting the rest of your life to the extent that you have no life outside of work, and no time to care for yourself, maybe it's time for some serious life choices. What sort of life is working 15hr days, then coming home to flop into bed, before starting it all over again? That sucks HARD.

But I can identify. I used to live in London and worked in a high-stress job for years. I genuinely thought that it was something I needed to do - for the money, for the status, for the rush. This was what I had trained for after all. I was powered by adrenalin, sugar and caffeine for longer than I'd care to admit.

It was only in a moment of clarity, that I realized I was actually miserable and exhausted. I decided to prioritize my *life* over my job. So I metaphorically burned the whole thing down. I quit. I sold most of my possessions. I moved home to Scotland, rented a little cottage, and adopted some gorgeous furry critters. I took a job with a small company on a fraction of my former salary.

Am I poorer? Absolutely. But am I happier? HELL YES. My job is no longer my whole identity. It's just my job. My real life happens when I'm not in the office. I have the energy and time to do other things I like to do - whether that's learning something new, walking in the woods, going to the theatre, hanging out with hunky Scottish men (!), playing with the critters, curling up with a good book, or cooking from scratch.

Now, I'm not suggesting you do anything quite as drastic in terms of lifestyle changes - but ultimately life is a serious of choices, and you need to stop making excuses, and own the choices that you are making. Right now, you are making choices that are actively impacting your physical and mental health. For what? A job? There are others out there. Maybe one closer to home, or with more sensible hours/shifts?

You are not a tree. You are not rooted to your current existence. If you're not happy with how things are going, it's entirely within your power to change them.

Sorry this turned into an essay! I hope you find the answer/inspiration you're looking for.

wheeliea

Wow, PigHerder, these are things I have been thinking about for years! I used to have lots of free time because I was 15 minutes from work. My husband wanted to move out to the country and now it's an hour drive to work and another back. We work at the same office so he wants us to drive together. But he loves to work 10 to 11 hour days. So I have no choice but to stick around work until he decides he wants to go home. By the time we get home it's so late and I'm so tired I don't want to do anything. It's been 5 years since we moved now, and I get more and more disappointed that we moved. I'm so near retirement now that I don't want to quit my job. And I feel like I can't go part time because we will barely have enough money to retire on. So I plod along life not really enjoying it anymore. I've talked to my husband about driving separately but he gets upset because it would be wear and tear on two cars instead of just one. Don't know what to do anymore.

PigHerder

*HUG* Ah, that's frustrating. And I understand why it's not straightforward. Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart with your husband. If you're not happy, then plodding along feeling depressed isn't going to help. There are definitely potential compromises to be made here. Here are a few off the top of my head:

1) Move closer to work so you have a shorter commute. There is no point in having a nice place in the country if you never get to see it. If you really don't want to sell your country house so close to retirement, could you rent it out, and then rent a place in town until you retire?

2) Find another full time job closer to home? (easier said than done if you live in a rural area, but it might be worth asking around)

3) Get your husband to commit to finishing work on time so you can drive home together at a reasonable hour. If he's a workaholic, he can presumably carry on working at home?

4) Don't be held captive by his choices. You could let him carry on working his crazy long days, but *you* could commit to finishing on time, and take a few hours for yourself. You could get in a workout at a local gym, go for a swim, meet friends, go see a movie, plan your meals for the week and do your grocery shopping, take a class you're interested in, or just pitch up in a coffee shop for a few hours, and relax. Then when you're done, you can pop back to the office, and pick him up for the ride home.

5) If part time isn't an option, is there any flexibility for you to work from home 1-2 days a week? Getting that commuting time back could make a big difference to you.

manderson27

I agree wholeheartedly with @PigHerder. It sounds like you are burnt out. I can understand you not leaving your job because you are close to retirement that makes sense.

Perhaps you could at least take separate cars a couple of times a week, that would give you days where you can get home at a reasonable time and do something for yourself. I am sure a happier and less exhausted you, would make for a happier husband as well.

We no longer live in the age where the little woman trailed around in her husbands shadow. Although I was born into that era, I am 63 so no stranger to that way of thinking. I found out early that living as an appendage to my husband was not something I was comfortable with. I divorced two husbands (Note: you can't kill them, apparently it's against the law or something) Then met my present husband who is incredible. We give each other the space to breath and be ourselves. We are both retired now and it is heaven. We still run two cars, couldn't imagine not having my own transport to go where I want when I want.

Certainly not advocating divorce for you of course. Just an honest discussion with your husband about how you feel at the moment.

Change doesn't have to be drastic sometimes just a tweak or two, a compromise here and there can make such a big difference. Relationships are a two way street. He wouldn't want you to be unhappy and exhausted just because he works so much surely.

Hugs xx


ETA. Or just tell him you will be taking your own car twice a week as there are things you would rather do than sit around waiting for him to finish work.

cmriverside

I agree, there are other solutions.

You've painted yourself into a corner.

If you can work eight hours, do that. That gives you two hours to plan meals, log food, exercise, do some self-care. If you have to drive together, so be it but you can do things for YOU in some of that time near or around the office while he works. Manicure, facial, yoga class, cooking class. Surely there are many things to do near your work. You could take the car and come back when Mr. Workaholic is done working.

Tell him you've earned the right as a free adult to do as you choose.

Sounds like a really unbalanced life and relationship. Don't be a slave to someone else's demands! I'm also older and no way I would go along with that kind of relationship. It's 2019, not 1920.

lynn_glenmont

wheeliea wrote: »

Wow, PigHerder, these are things I have been thinking about for years! I used to have lots of free time because I was 15 minutes from work. My husband wanted to move out to the country and now it's an hour drive to work and another back. We work at the same office so he wants us to drive together. But he loves to work 10 to 11 hour days. So I have no choice but to stick around work until he decides he wants to go home. By the time we get home it's so late and I'm so tired I don't want to do anything. It's been 5 years since we moved now, and I get more and more disappointed that we moved. I'm so near retirement now that I don't want to quit my job. And I feel like I can't go part time because we will barely have enough money to retire on. So I plod along life not really enjoying it anymore. I've talked to my husband about driving separately but he gets upset because it would be wear and tear on two cars instead of just one. Don't know what to do anymore.

So find a gym or safe place to walk, run, hike, swim, skate etc. near work and do that during the last hour or two that your husband is working. And make sure you have adequate life insurance on him to pay off your mortgage, pay for child care until any kids grow up, and maybe give you a cushion of financial support until you figure out how you want to live your life alone after he has a heart attack after spending years as a workaholic with no time for physical activity.

Harsh words, maybe, but sometimes the likely future is harsh.

phoebe112476

Ask yourself what you can do this week to get closer to your goals of living healthier? Maybe three things. It is easy to make a long list of things that get in the way. Focus on a few solutions that you implement this week. Maybe stop drinking any calories except once a day or walk around the office for 20 minutes while waiting for husband or eat one serving of fruit a day. Change the focus to what you can do, do it, consistently every week and you will see positive changes with baby steps. Don’t let the list of obstacles or how far you have to go overwhelm you - focus on what you can do this week. You can do it. You got this! Share the list here for accountability if that would help you. Best of luck.

gallicinvasion

wheeliea wrote: »

Wow, PigHerder, these are things I have been thinking about for years! I used to have lots of free time because I was 15 minutes from work. My husband wanted to move out to the country and now it's an hour drive to work and another back. We work at the same office so he wants us to drive together. But he loves to work 10 to 11 hour days. So I have no choice but to stick around work until he decides he wants to go home. By the time we get home it's so late and I'm so tired I don't want to do anything. It's been 5 years since we moved now, and I get more and more disappointed that we moved. I'm so near retirement now that I don't want to quit my job. And I feel like I can't go part time because we will barely have enough money to retire on. So I plod along life not really enjoying it anymore. I've talked to my husband about driving separately but he gets upset because it would be wear and tear on two cars instead of just one. Don't know what to do anymore.

Your husband gets his desires prioritized while your needs and free time are being HEAVILY sacrificed. That’s not fair. Your happiness and wellbeing are impacted by the drain on your available time that he’s causing, and you should stick to your guns and make it clear that you need him to support your desire to improve your health (mental and physical) by not complaining when you drive your second car to work.

wheeliea

I agree, gallicinvasion, I have made my wishes known to my husband so many times. I have always sacrificed my needs for his. I really need to stand up and just do what makes me happy. If I just take the second car and go to work, he will understand, he's not a bad guy, I just don't stand up for my rights a lot of times. I know he thinks it's wear on two cars, but hey, my health is more important than that.

mtdb8

Just keep in mind, parts for cars are easier and cheaper to replace than parts for bodies.

wheeliea

Love this, mtdb8!!

SimplyMary66

I wish someone would have told me what pigherder just said 50 years ago! I’ve worked hard most of my life and at 66 have nothing! Lost my retirement when the hospital filed for bankruptcy after 30 years! I have my life and God but a cottage with furry little animals sounds like heaven. The hunky men too! 😂

sarainithaca

These comments are so inspiring! I am in a very different situation than the one described in the original post—I have been (mostly) retired for over 8 years and am responsible mainly to myself. But it’s me, not someone else, who keeps insisting on repeating bad old habits, and I have a hard time just stopping to think before I act (i.e., put stuff in my mouth that I really don’t need and that doesn’t really, in the long run, make me happy). It’s easy to blame others for creating situations that make it hard for us to stick up for ourselves, but even with the amount of relative freedom that I enjoy, I still need to stick up for myself to ... .myself. Good luck to Wheeliea in figuring out what will work for her, but please keep in mind that ultimately we answer to ourselves.

wheeliea

Hi sarainithaca, I totally agree with you. I am responsible for myself and the choices I make. I am addicted to carbs and sugar and find it extremely hard to break away from eating nothing but these types of foods. I am generally shy, so I surprised myself with the original post I made. I don't make friends easy, so I don't have a support system. I try this alone, and doing it myself is hard. When left to my own devices I will eat high carb high sugar foods. So maybe I don't have the motivation needed to lose weight, even though that's all I think about.