Helping someone with substance abuse, mental health, and growing up

RealWorldStrengthLLC

I have this family member - we will call him Fred.

Fred lives with his father, is in his late 20s, Can't (or won't) hold down a job long, has never lived on his own or had his own vehicle titled to him, struggles with anger and temper control issues (I believe there is some underlying MH issues), and abuses substances (mostly booze and MJ, but there are others he is not necessarily addicted to but will still do if offered).

Fred has been causing a lot of problems lately with his anger, substance abuse, and refusal to grow up (more than usual)- I want to help Fred, because he is family and I care about him, and his father. Fred will not admit he needs help - I have tried multiple angles, everything from gentle prompting to bring harshly blunt. I also do my best to just lead by example.

I have had my own issues with MH and Alcohol abuse, and I did get help, and i have dealt with and managed them accordingly and been doing well for a good while. While not the same issues, and I definitely never had the not wanting to provide for myself problem, I feel I am the best person to help Fred with this situation. I even have a good plan in place - but I know from experience that these types of things don't get solved until A The person admits they have issues and B The person truly wants to change.

Does anybody have any experience with this kind of thing - It has gotten to the point where if Fred doesn't face his issues, Fred is going to just get worse, and I don't want that. How do I get him to see that something has to change?

RealWorldStrengthLLC

His father is a total enabler - simply by putting up with it, bailing him out (figuratively and literally) and even by providing him with a place to live and food. His father is also an alcoholic, a very high functioning one though - the only issues his drinking is going to cause is on his health. He has been like this my whole life and won't change - which I guess is fine, people have free will, and he does have his *kitten* together financially, career wise etc.

I have talked to his father, and so have several family members...I am trying to spearhead an intervention type thing of sorts after an incident that happened last week. I do believe his father is on getting board - he knows it is an issue, he is just sort of lost as to how to fix it. The other problem is that tellibg his son to fix his substance abuse issues is kind of a pot-kettle situation - hence why I am the one doing most of the pushing and talking at this point.

EDIT - the biggest issue I am having is getting Fred to admit to himself and others he has these problems and get him to want to work on them. Once we can get him there, we can deal - this ain't my first rodeo as they say.

I've got several friends who have been through addiction and MH issues, plus my own experiences. I even have a friend who is an addictions counselor...we just need to get him to want it.

nooshi713

He will continue to do what he is doing as long as he is enabled. People only change when they want to or are forced to. My brother is an IV heroin user. Everyone in the family has tried to help him. He does not want help.

His dad would have to stop enabling him for one, even if it means kicking him out onto the street if he refuses rehab, for example.

RealWorldStrengthLLC

nooshi713 wrote: »

He will continue to do what he is doing as long as he is enabled. People only change when they want to or are forced to. My brother is an IV heroin user. Everyone in the family has tried to help him. He does not want help.

His dad would have to stop enabling him for one, even if it means kicking him out onto the street if he refuses rehab, for example.

Talked to my friend who is an addictions counselor, he basically said the same.

Keep_on_cardio

Speaking from personal experience, you truly can’t help someone who has yet want to help themselves.

Unfortunately, Fred’s father should be laying out better boundaries/standards, with allowing Fred to continue living rent free and under his roof.

If anything, helping would be talking to Fred’s father and somehow His father regaining his household and house rules back. If I was Fred’s dad, I would be at least having Fred join some kind of Substance group, where he talks with others’. He may just sit there, the challenge would be to at least getting him to want to go. Fred isn’t going to change, when he doesn’t feel the need to and while he’s being enabled by his father.

Keep_on_cardio

After reading all the responses, Fred’s dad probably has some guilt, with his son’s choices.

Fred’s father should follow suit with going to AA meetings and try giving it up, himself. No bigger reason to want to stop, when you watch your child sinking down a hole.

mbaker566

you can't change Fred. Fred must want to change
his father sounds like an enabler. it can be very hard with parents not to be.
his father might benefit from al anon or nar anon or a counselor familiar with that sort of thing.
detachment with love is so hard. but it can be the best thing for the user.

newmeadow

Has Dad co-signed for a Planet Fitness membership for Fred at least?

Bullet_with_Butterfly_Wings

mbaker566 wrote: »

you can't change Fred. Fred must want to change
his father sounds like an enabler. it can be very hard with parents not to be.
his father might benefit from al anon or nar anon or a counselor familiar with that sort of thing.
detachment with love is so hard. but it can be the best thing for the user.

I agree with this. Most people won't make a change until they hit rock bottom, then have it break open under their feet.

Motorsheen

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

I have this family member - we will call him Fred.

Fred lives with his father, is in his late 20s, Can't (or won't) hold down a job long, has never lived on his own or had his own vehicle titled to him, struggles with anger and temper control issues (I believe there is some underlying MH issues), and abuses substances (mostly booze and MJ, but there are others he is not necessarily addicted to but will still do if offered).

Fred has been causing a lot of problems lately with his anger, substance abuse, and refusal to grow up (more than usual)- I want to help Fred, because he is family and I care about him, and his father. Fred will not admit he needs help - I have tried multiple angles, everything from gentle prompting to bring harshly blunt. I also do my best to just lead by example.

I have had my own issues with MH and Alcohol abuse, and I did get help, and i have dealt with and managed them accordingly and been doing well for a good while. While not the same issues, and I definitely never had the not wanting to provide for myself problem, I feel I am the best person to help Fred with this situation. I even have a good plan in place - but I know from experience that these types of things don't get solved until A The person admits they have issues and B The person truly wants to change.

Does anybody have any experience with this kind of thing - It has gotten to the point where if Fred doesn't face his issues, Fred is going to just get worse, and I don't want that. How do I get him to see that something has to change?

You can't help him until he wants to help himself.

I understand what you're going through; a lot of us have been there.

Just be available to offer support when it's needed.

Godspeed.

RunHardBeStrong

Motorsheen wrote: »

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

I have this family member - we will call him Fred.

Fred lives with his father, is in his late 20s, Can't (or won't) hold down a job long, has never lived on his own or had his own vehicle titled to him, struggles with anger and temper control issues (I believe there is some underlying MH issues), and abuses substances (mostly booze and MJ, but there are others he is not necessarily addicted to but will still do if offered).

Fred has been causing a lot of problems lately with his anger, substance abuse, and refusal to grow up (more than usual)- I want to help Fred, because he is family and I care about him, and his father. Fred will not admit he needs help - I have tried multiple angles, everything from gentle prompting to bring harshly blunt. I also do my best to just lead by example.

I have had my own issues with MH and Alcohol abuse, and I did get help, and i have dealt with and managed them accordingly and been doing well for a good while. While not the same issues, and I definitely never had the not wanting to provide for myself problem, I feel I am the best person to help Fred with this situation. I even have a good plan in place - but I know from experience that these types of things don't get solved until A The person admits they have issues and B The person truly wants to change.

Does anybody have any experience with this kind of thing - It has gotten to the point where if Fred doesn't face his issues, Fred is going to just get worse, and I don't want that. How do I get him to see that something has to change?

You can't help him until he wants to help himself.

I understand what you're going through; a lot of us have been there.

Just be available to offer support when it's needed.

Godspeed.

Agreed.

My sister in law is the same as Fred. I tried for almost 20 years to help her. Not financially or anything like that but support/advice wise. The day that I finally told her off and cut ties was one of the best days of my life. Sounds harsh maybe but she was draining me and had started in on my kids. It was time to let her drown on her own.

conniemaxwell5

This is just my opinion. I am no expert when it comes to addiction but I'm a recovering enabler for my kids.

You said that the only thing the dad will hurt with his addiction is his health but unfortunately, it has already affected his son's life as well. Dad is enabling the behavior by 1- allowing it, and 2- modeling the addiction behavior. By sticking around and accepting dad's behavior as unchangeable, I believe you are enabling him to some degree. An intervention might be the way to go but it sounds like it is needed for both of them, not just Fred. Neither of them will change unless they want to. If you do an intervention, be prepared to follow through on anything you say you will do (such as break off contact with them if they don't change - just an example).

go_cubs

Fred is an adult needs some tough love

RealWorldStrengthLLC

Thank you for all of your responses. They have given me a lot to think about and offered some fresh perspective.

I am currently working out a plan with my family on how to address this issue.