Self Esteem

CristinaAnne03

I don't exactly know how to describe what I am going through here. and I haven't really ever talked about it out loud, except for my therapist I am currently seeing. But I thought maybe if I expressed how I felt on here others could relate or understand.

I was heavy for most of my childhood. I grew up in an American Italian Family and all we would eat is pasta with a side of bread, and the more I ate the more my grandmother would praise me.
My older sister was always thin, she had better eating habits and was just more active then I was to be honest. At 13 My parents went through a sloppy divorce, which kind of caused them to stop 'parenting' I guess. Which now, at my older age I understand that they were only human and trying to figure themselves out. I believe a lot of dysfunction in my life growing up lead to unhealthy relationships where I was abused and taken advantage of , or was even considered 'to much to handle'.

I lost 50lbs when I turned 20, by diet and exercise. My family was so proud of me and then went on to tell me I was to skinny. My boyfriend at the time was actually supportive and just wanted me to be happy.

We broke up and I went through another weight gain and extreme loss. I ended up at 102lbs by 22. I remember feeling empowered that I was so thin and I lost so much weight. In fact if my clothes weren't a little lose on me I wouldn't be happy.

After this I ended up with a Guy who seemed perfect from the very start and just ended up being a complete sociopath. He told me I wasn't worth anything to anyone except a body. And would constantly ridicule me and tell me what I could do to make myself better, or 'more attractive' . this relationship obviously crashed and burned. but when I think back to it, I remember recovery not being easy at all. for about a month i wouldn't leave my house. I didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror because even though he was gone, I could still here the words.

It took me 2 years to finally get back out there and start dating. I was so insecure all the time. even though i wanted to play a role of a strong woman, my body controlled my mind. I forced myself to believe that if I wasn't a certain size, I wasn't anything.

I started going to therapy because I knew I needed to fix this. me being a size 0 wasn't the answer to happiness and i couldn't even believe i was dealing with this after being a former chubby kid.

at 26 years old I sit at my computer desk, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with an amazing man whom is consistently supportive and always tells me he loves me. I am 122lbs at 5'2" and though I come across those days where I would want to lose a little and maybe get down to 114lbs. I am in no rush. I am finally finding my worth and its hard everyday. I guess If there are people out there that are feeling that this is dictating their lives. I just want you to know there is a way out.

longkathleenann9291

You are 5’2” and weigh 122 lbs. Your BMI is 22.5 which is right in the middle of the healthy range. You have had a lot of emotional trauma in your life, losing 8 lbs is not going to help with that. I suggest you bring this topic up with your therapist.

robertw486

CristinaAnne03 wrote: »

I am finally finding my worth and its hard everyday.

I am of the firm belief that many things impact a persons self esteem, but the above sentence is where it really matters, and how you can really turn things around.

Don't ever let the actions or words of others define you. Continue working towards the person you want to be regardless of what the world around you thinks. Avoid those toxic relationships and surround yourself with positive people that also define themselves. Seek whatever makes you happy, fulfilled, and positive. But also remember that if you don't always find it, you are the same person. Dropping that few more pounds might make you more happy, but if you struggle to do it or just decide not to, remember that it still doesn't take away from your worth.


As you realize your worth and your self esteem grows, remind yourself that it is always there. It is yours, and you alone control it.

smolmaus

I think

CristinaAnne03 wrote: »

After this I ended up with a Guy who seemed perfect from the very start and just ended up being a complete sociopath. He told me I wasn't worth anything to anyone except a body. And would constantly ridicule me and tell me what I could do to make myself better, or 'more attractive' . this relationship obviously crashed and burned. but when I think back to it, I remember recovery not being easy at all. for about a month i wouldn't leave my house. I didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror because even though he was gone, I could still here the words.

I am finally finding my worth and its hard everyday. I guess If there are people out there that are feeling that this is dictating their lives. I just want you to know there is a way out.

I have an ex who was just a shadow of this trash person and it affected me for years. Probably still does. Constantly wanting me to look different, dress different, act different. It sinks in even though you know logically their opinions aren't worth spitting on.

The days you can look at yourself and appreciate that you are worth every good thing that happens to you are little shining treasures that take a lot of hard work to find. I'm proud of you, internet stranger.

amy19355

My mantra goes like this: Only I have control over how other people make me feel.

Good luck to you, sounds like you are on the right track!

Big_Game_James

I think the most important thing is you look back on these situations you lived through and YOU LIVED THROUGH THEM! You gained experience and have grown, now you are stronger for them. Keep your positive attitude and reaching for your goals!