I want to drown myself in ice cream (but the same time, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to eat again)

Evelyn_Gorfram

(Warnings: very sad, very personal, & not entirely food-&-fitness related)

The news reports are referring to my nephew* as "the pedestrian." That's pending the autopsy and the notification of people like me that he was the 33rd traffic-related fatality in Portland this year.

(*For anyone who remembers some of my earlier posts, this is not the nephew who got married this last summer. I have two nephews. Had two.)

My late nephew, who had been homeless and struggling with meth addiction, was collecting cans and bottles from among cars parked on a suburban street when the row of parked cars was struck by a drunk and speeding driver. (Live by the addiction, die by the addiction....(Is that a reasonable thought for me to be having right now?))

The driver has been arrested and is in jail. I want to murder the *kitten*; and I also want to see him through rehab and watch him become a reformed person and live a decent and reasonable life. I have to admit to googling him: he is ten years younger than my nephew was, and what strikes me most is that his photos and playlists remind me of my nephew's photos and playlists from ten years ago. The universe is, indeed, run on irony.

And, in keeping with the day's apparent spirit of contradiction, I want to immerse myself and my sorrows in ice cream; but my stomach is in knots that make me feel like I constantly want to throw up. I have no idea what, or whether, I will eat today.

RAinWA

I am so sorry for your loss. Addiction is a terrible thing and to watch someone we love struggle is absolutely heartbreaking.

Be kind to yourself. Cry and yell and scream if you need to. Your thoughts sound totally sane considering what you are going through.

pinuplove

I'm so very sorry. You still have two nephews. Don't try to make sense of your thoughts right now (whether or not they are 'reasonable'). This will all take a long time to process.

nutmegoreo

I'm so sorry for your loss. Addiction is horrible. Be a jumbled mess for now, It's okay to feel however you are feeling. And it's okay to eat all the ice cream you can fit in, or nothing at all (for now). As you start to feel stronger in the coming days, regain your balance. Vent as much as you need to. And take time to grieve.

kami3006

I am so very sorry for your loss.

OvershareUsername

My heart breaks for you. Healing thoughts to you and yours.

Evelyn_Gorfram

Thank you all so much.

It didn't even occur to me to cry when I thought of the struggling addict; the hip young adult; the tentative middle-schooler; or even the wildly original six-year-old who, when I was slated to take him trick-or-treating, asked me to dress as "a purple cat with a green hat and red boots" (I did). Nevvie was adopted, and I am told that most babies look somewhat like live human sacks at 6 mo or so. Remembering that 6 month-old "sack of baby" on the day I first met him was what brought me to wracking sobs.

@pinuplove You're very right, of course. I will always have two nephews. I wonder if the same feeling strikes when a baby is born into a family: the immutable knowledge that this baby/child/human is yours, and will be forever; and that you love them, and you will love them, forever.

Since there was no ice cream in the house, I tried some well-sugared oatmeal with raisin and almonds and it seems to have settled right.

maureenkhilde

So sorry for your loss. Watching a loved one go through addiction is horrible, now he is gone forever yet in your heart forever. Grief has no set rules, but in time it will improve. Vent as little or as much as you need.

Fflpnari

I am so sorry for your loss. I live in Portland and saw the story on the news this morning.

Susieq_1994

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, but as others have said, I think the way you're feeling makes perfect sense in the situation.

DeniseWilson43

Iam sorry hun

workinonit1956

I’m so sorry for the loss of your nephew.

yukfoo

I'm very sorry to hear this. I feel your loss. My niece was murdered by her husband 3 years ago leaving two babies parent-less. Are there no crisis resources (phone in or online) in your area? Sometimes just having someone to listen can help us sort things out more clearly. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family in your time of grief...

MaggieGirl135

My prayers are with you and your family at this time.

snowflake954

So sorry for your loss.

mph323

I am so sorry for your loss. All your thoughts and feelings are valid and reasonable, let yourself grieve in whatever way comes natural to you, everyone has to work through the process in their own way. Hugs.

wannabesmaller2017

I’m so sorry for your loss.