Sensitive issue about husband's weight
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LKArgh
Posts: 5,179 Member
My husband as a child was very chubby, obese at times based on photos. He says he was teased a lot about this.
When I met him, in his early 30s, he was overweight, but not obese. Not ideal but not a problem, not something I ever asked him to change.
Fast forward almost two decades and he has gained about 15 kilos (pure fat, he would not exercise to save his life) and his dr has raised his concerns. My husband is short, this weight is a lot on him. Which again I have not commented on, other than encourage him to take care of his health. I exercise a lot, offered to see if we can do things together, he has never accepted to even try.
Fast forward to last couple of years and he has gained about 10 more kilos. Which in addition to being a health concern has made also some activities difficult.
Noticing I have a declining libido, he has asked me about 6 months ago to have an adult discussion on what we could do to improve our intimate life. I thought we were being honest, as he said we should, and mentioned him not pressuring me (he can ask about in a "whiny" way that really kills my mood), improve personal hygiene (e.g. changing underwear daily which he does not do) and that losing a bit of weight would help too.
Since then our sex life has almost ended, he even sleeps on the couch at night. After several fights about it, he said that he is very angry because I mentioned his weight and I should know how hurtful this is. I swear that all I said was "losing a bit of weight would be good" and it was something I have thought hard about first, but I truly believed he wanted honesty.
The ironic part is he has since lost this extra weight. But he claims he has not done it to improve our relationship, that he does not know if and when our relationship could recover and that what I said was so terrible it cannot be unsaid. Which BTW I am not trying to pretend I did not say it. He has also said in reply that I have become like a cow over the years and he has not once complained (I have spent 10 years pregnant, including some miscarriages, have a foot I can hardly walk with due to arthritis and yet my BMI has fluctuated between 19 and just below 23 over these years, his BMI must be currently around 30. I exercise several times per week and I am rather muscular for a woman, he does not, never).
BTW I have also been teased as a child for being chubby, and bullied and insulted a lot by a very abusive father over what I realise in retrospective was an imaginary weight problem.
Anyway, for those of you have been most of your life overweight/obese: was what I said that unacceptable? Is this reaction in anyway reasonable? I know it is ridiculous, but at this point, I think divorce is a possibility. From his side because he cannot get over what I said, from my side because I cannot wrap my head around his reaction, and the subsequent insults to me.
When I met him, in his early 30s, he was overweight, but not obese. Not ideal but not a problem, not something I ever asked him to change.
Fast forward almost two decades and he has gained about 15 kilos (pure fat, he would not exercise to save his life) and his dr has raised his concerns. My husband is short, this weight is a lot on him. Which again I have not commented on, other than encourage him to take care of his health. I exercise a lot, offered to see if we can do things together, he has never accepted to even try.
Fast forward to last couple of years and he has gained about 10 more kilos. Which in addition to being a health concern has made also some activities difficult.
Noticing I have a declining libido, he has asked me about 6 months ago to have an adult discussion on what we could do to improve our intimate life. I thought we were being honest, as he said we should, and mentioned him not pressuring me (he can ask about in a "whiny" way that really kills my mood), improve personal hygiene (e.g. changing underwear daily which he does not do) and that losing a bit of weight would help too.
Since then our sex life has almost ended, he even sleeps on the couch at night. After several fights about it, he said that he is very angry because I mentioned his weight and I should know how hurtful this is. I swear that all I said was "losing a bit of weight would be good" and it was something I have thought hard about first, but I truly believed he wanted honesty.
The ironic part is he has since lost this extra weight. But he claims he has not done it to improve our relationship, that he does not know if and when our relationship could recover and that what I said was so terrible it cannot be unsaid. Which BTW I am not trying to pretend I did not say it. He has also said in reply that I have become like a cow over the years and he has not once complained (I have spent 10 years pregnant, including some miscarriages, have a foot I can hardly walk with due to arthritis and yet my BMI has fluctuated between 19 and just below 23 over these years, his BMI must be currently around 30. I exercise several times per week and I am rather muscular for a woman, he does not, never).
BTW I have also been teased as a child for being chubby, and bullied and insulted a lot by a very abusive father over what I realise in retrospective was an imaginary weight problem.
Anyway, for those of you have been most of your life overweight/obese: was what I said that unacceptable? Is this reaction in anyway reasonable? I know it is ridiculous, but at this point, I think divorce is a possibility. From his side because he cannot get over what I said, from my side because I cannot wrap my head around his reaction, and the subsequent insults to me.
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Replies
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My husband as a child was very chubby, obese at times based on photos. He says he was teased a lot about this.
When I met him, in his early 30s, he was overweight, but not obese. Not ideal but not a problem, not something I ever asked him to change.
Fast forward almost two decades and he has gained about 15 kilos (pure fat, he would not exercise to save his life) and his dr has raised his concerns. My husband is short, this weight is a lot on him. Which again I have not commented on, other than encourage him to take care of his health. I exercise a lot, offered to see if we can do things together, he has never accepted to even try.
Fast forward to last couple of years and he has gained about 10 more kilos. Which in addition to being a health concern has made also some activities difficult.
Noticing I have a declining libido, he has asked me about 6 months ago to have an adult discussion on what we could do to improve our intimate life. I thought we were being honest, as he said we should, and mentioned him not pressuring me (he can ask about in a "whiny" way that really kills my mood), improve personal hygiene (e.g. changing underwear daily which he does not do) and that losing a bit of weight would help too.
Since then our sex life has almost ended, he even sleeps on the couch at night. After several fights about it, he said that he is very angry because I mentioned his weight and I should know how hurtful this is. I swear that all I said was "losing a bit of weight would be good" and it was something I have thought hard about first, but I truly believed he wanted honesty.
The ironic part is he has since lost this extra weight. But he claims he has not done it to improve our relationship, that he does not know if and when our relationship could recover and that what I said was so terrible it cannot be unsaid. Which BTW I am not trying to pretend I did not say it. He has also said in reply that I have become like a cow over the years and he has not once complained (I have spent 10 years pregnant, including some miscarriages, have a foot I can hardly walk with due to arthritis and yet my BMI has fluctuated between 19 and just below 23 over these years, his BMI must be currently around 30. I exercise several times per week and I am rather muscular for a woman, he does not, never).
BTW I have also been teased as a child for being chubby, and bullied and insulted a lot by a very abusive father over what I realise in retrospective was an imaginary weight problem.
Anyway, for those of you have been most of your life overweight/obese: was what I said that unacceptable? Is this reaction in anyway reasonable? I know it is ridiculous, but at this point, I think divorce is a possibility. From his side because he cannot get over what I said, from my side because I cannot wrap my head around his reaction, and the subsequent insults to me.
My advice... talk to a counselor, not MFP forums. Justcmy 2 cents....18 -
Agree, I have already an appointment, but it is in 10 days from now. I know I should just ignore the whole thing until then as thinking about it is not really productive, but it is hardpsychod787 wrote: »My husband as a child was very chubby, obese at times based on photos. He says he was teased a lot about this.
When I met him, in his early 30s, he was overweight, but not obese. Not ideal but not a problem, not something I ever asked him to change.
Fast forward almost two decades and he has gained about 15 kilos (pure fat, he would not exercise to save his life) and his dr has raised his concerns. My husband is short, this weight is a lot on him. Which again I have not commented on, other than encourage him to take care of his health. I exercise a lot, offered to see if we can do things together, he has never accepted to even try.
Fast forward to last couple of years and he has gained about 10 more kilos. Which in addition to being a health concern has made also some activities difficult.
Noticing I have a declining libido, he has asked me about 6 months ago to have an adult discussion on what we could do to improve our intimate life. I thought we were being honest, as he said we should, and mentioned him not pressuring me (he can ask about in a "whiny" way that really kills my mood), improve personal hygiene (e.g. changing underwear daily which he does not do) and that losing a bit of weight would help too.
Since then our sex life has almost ended, he even sleeps on the couch at night. After several fights about it, he said that he is very angry because I mentioned his weight and I should know how hurtful this is. I swear that all I said was "losing a bit of weight would be good" and it was something I have thought hard about first, but I truly believed he wanted honesty.
The ironic part is he has since lost this extra weight. But he claims he has not done it to improve our relationship, that he does not know if and when our relationship could recover and that what I said was so terrible it cannot be unsaid. Which BTW I am not trying to pretend I did not say it. He has also said in reply that I have become like a cow over the years and he has not once complained (I have spent 10 years pregnant, including some miscarriages, have a foot I can hardly walk with due to arthritis and yet my BMI has fluctuated between 19 and just below 23 over these years, his BMI must be currently around 30. I exercise several times per week and I am rather muscular for a woman, he does not, never).
BTW I have also been teased as a child for being chubby, and bullied and insulted a lot by a very abusive father over what I realise in retrospective was an imaginary weight problem.
Anyway, for those of you have been most of your life overweight/obese: was what I said that unacceptable? Is this reaction in anyway reasonable? I know it is ridiculous, but at this point, I think divorce is a possibility. From his side because he cannot get over what I said, from my side because I cannot wrap my head around his reaction, and the subsequent insults to me.
My advice... talk to a counselor, not MFP forums. Justcmy 2 cents....
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I would spend the time writing down how you feel and what you want to say. It's tough to remember things once you're sitting in front of a therapist and having something to reference is extremely helpful.
Best wishes to the two of you!13 -
I feel for you both. What you said was perhaps justified as he had asked for an open and honest discussion about your sex life - however, that doesn't mean that he was prepared for the truth. In my view his response is perhaps understandable but not really justified. Are you going together to see the counsellor, planning on talking independently or is it just you going? I think you need an opportunity to set out your feelings about him and also his weight and it's impact on you. If your main concern is his health make sure you emphasise that. For what it's worth, after 43 years together, in my experience these events do pass - not necessarily quickly but they do pass, provided you were a good team before the 'conversation'. I do hope things turn out well for you both and that counselling helps you move forward. X
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Sorry you find yourself in the situation, but he asked you to be honest, you were and he's got the hump? It's not your fault that he's in denial.
My partner can quite openly say to me "Babe you're getting fat" and ill laugh and be like "yeah I know" because I KNOW I am, I can't get upset about something when I know its true myself, whether I like it or not!
Or sometimes I'll say "what do you mean I'm getting fat?!" and he'll say why, like im eating more junk, I look more bloated etc. And hell think I'm looking a bit bigger round the middle.
He's not saying it to hurt my feelings (like you weren't to your husband) he's not lying about what he sees, if anything I thank him and it means I can get back on track!
Do not feel guilty about what you said. It does sound like he's needs a bit of support, maybe reassure him that his weight isn't something that makes you less attracted to him but you're concerned for his health, you want him to be able to participate in activities for his own sake! Ask him does it not bother him he can't do them things and if he had the choice would he do them?
Its good you've got some counselling coming, as I'm just a person on the Internet, but that's my take on the details you've given.5 -
My husband as a child was very chubby, obese at times based on photos. He says he was teased a lot about this.
When I met him, in his early 30s, he was overweight, but not obese. Not ideal but not a problem, not something I ever asked him to change.
Fast forward almost two decades and he has gained about 15 kilos (pure fat, he would not exercise to save his life) and his dr has raised his concerns. My husband is short, this weight is a lot on him. Which again I have not commented on, other than encourage him to take care of his health. I exercise a lot, offered to see if we can do things together, he has never accepted to even try.
Fast forward to last couple of years and he has gained about 10 more kilos. Which in addition to being a health concern has made also some activities difficult.
Noticing I have a declining libido, he has asked me about 6 months ago to have an adult discussion on what we could do to improve our intimate life. I thought we were being honest, as he said we should, and mentioned him not pressuring me (he can ask about in a "whiny" way that really kills my mood), improve personal hygiene (e.g. changing underwear daily which he does not do) and that losing a bit of weight would help too.
Since then our sex life has almost ended, he even sleeps on the couch at night. After several fights about it, he said that he is very angry because I mentioned his weight and I should know how hurtful this is. I swear that all I said was "losing a bit of weight would be good" and it was something I have thought hard about first, but I truly believed he wanted honesty.
The ironic part is he has since lost this extra weight. But he claims he has not done it to improve our relationship, that he does not know if and when our relationship could recover and that what I said was so terrible it cannot be unsaid. Which BTW I am not trying to pretend I did not say it. He has also said in reply that I have become like a cow over the years and he has not once complained (I have spent 10 years pregnant, including some miscarriages, have a foot I can hardly walk with due to arthritis and yet my BMI has fluctuated between 19 and just below 23 over these years, his BMI must be currently around 30. I exercise several times per week and I am rather muscular for a woman, he does not, never).
BTW I have also been teased as a child for being chubby, and bullied and insulted a lot by a very abusive father over what I realise in retrospective was an imaginary weight problem.
Anyway, for those of you have been most of your life overweight/obese: was what I said that unacceptable? Is this reaction in anyway reasonable? I know it is ridiculous, but at this point, I think divorce is a possibility. From his side because he cannot get over what I said, from my side because I cannot wrap my head around his reaction, and the subsequent insults to me.
Separatism is rife in your marriage, where there should be cohesion. Heavy-set or being morbidly obese, never truly is a deterrent for intimacy and if he is this affected by what you'd said, then I'll hazard a guess and assume that the likely assault which hurt his feelings was your inference that he needs to change more regularly, when the solution would likely be how you can work the use of extra large wash cloths for example, before an activity, as a preface possibly, since he is clearly opposed to having regular showers. Men IMO are sensitive creatures.
Do not give up on either of you! How quickly you both recover from this stalemate is in your court. We women need to decide. Visualise your life without him, then reassess if his loaded style of communication - uncensored, less all the filters is too destructive for you to tolerate. Do you still love him?3 -
Your husband is acting like a complete child. I just can’t stand when men whine to get sex, think it’s okay to call a woman a cow, and ask to have an adult discussion about libido and then act like a wounded teenager about your honest and sensitive answer to his question.
I can’t imagine not changing my underwear and expecting ANYTHING from my significant other.15 -
He asked what could be done to improve, you were open and honest, he obviously wasn't ready to be open and honest. I am not sure what he was expecting from you when he asked.
We are attracted to what we are attracted to...some men and women are sexually turned off when their partners put on weight, others aren't, there is no right or wrong, just what we are attracted to or not.2 -
The hygiene issue stood out to me since this is often a sign of depression.
You were not unreasonable, since he asked. He was clearly hoping to hear what YOU were planning to do to meet his needs.
At this point, by refusing to accept your apology, he is holding on to all the power in the relationship. One thing he says is right: it can't be unsaid. So what now? What, exactly, does he want you to do about it, since it has been said? You can't crawl around on the ground being sorry for the rest of your life. Either he can get over it, or he can't, there isn't another option. Ask him what he wants you to do about it, and if he says there's nothing you can do, well, there you go.
Regardless, a man who doesn't change his underpants doesn't have the right to call his wife a cow.18 -
It doesn't really matter if an internet forum feels you were okay. Your husband was hurt by what you said. He has to work through that. I think counseling for the two of you is the best plan to getting your relationship improved. If he won't try to understand that you love him and answered him honestly not to hurt but to help the situation even after months and calls you a cow then you probably don't have much going foward together.
I've said things to my spouse that might have hurt at times while being honest. I trust him not to respond with anger or I could not be as honest particularly about our sex life.1 -
I think counseling is a good idea, both individually and as a couple (3 separate therapists). Even if he doesn’t agree to counseling, definitely go for yourself. Rheddmobile was right that declining / poor hygiene is one symptom of depression, along with significant weight gain (or loss).2
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The suggested three counselor model is a must!
I would also like to suggest, your husband's "hurt" is projecting his responsibility towards the marital dysfunction onto you. And, you have clearly outlined some symptoms of your husband's clinical depression. Hoping for the best that you and your husband can find the help you need.2 -
Overweight is one thing but not showering and dirty underwear is unacceptable!
Depression sounds like the cause of the above!
Dirty drawers...REALLY?! And you're the bad guy????2 -
Yea he is over reacting. I’ve been chubby, overweight or obese all my life. All of us got made fun of. I’m finally normal weight. I know when I become obese. It’s not a surprise to hear it. If my husband said “you really need to lose weight” (which he did a few times but not in a mean way) it hurt, but I would know he is right. I would not throw a fit and act like a baby week after week and try to hurt him back. That’s not love.2
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Very few people who ask for an honest conversation really want they ask for. Very few people who give honest feedback do so with objectivity and kindness.5
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Interesting to note, that at some point in time your husband let you know that when he was younger he was teased for being obese. So at some point before he lost some weight to only be overweight. Then after years with you he lets the weight creep back on to the obese state.
Whether he agrees to go or not, you should go and speak to someone. Your husband is trying to make you the bad person, after all he did tell you he was teased, made fun of before for being obese, so how dare you do that same thing to him. He is attempting to make all of this your problem your issue, and he is blameless. And now has mostly lost the weight back to just being overweight again? Yes he may be depressed, or have a whole other agenda he is about to spring on you. I personally would never trust him again. This is not love he is showing or even respect. Is he controlling in other ways?
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My husband said something to me recently that I have not been able to "get over". In hindsight, I realize it wasn't that one thing, but it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
I would hazard a guess that there are things you've probably failed to mention in regards to your marriage and perhaps, to him, that was the straw. There are three sides to every story; yours, his, and the truth. I would love to hear his side.3
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