‘‘Tis the season for rude comments

witchaywoman81

born_of_fire74 wrote: »

Perhaps also consider that there are likely things you do or say that your mother finds hurtful but you don’t realize and/or don’t intend. Not to say that any of your mother’s actions or statements here are your responsibility or that you deserved it in any way, just that sometimes some perspective can help—she made a mistake or else gifted you the opportunity to be a better person by treating it as a mistake, even if it wasn’t.

I think you’re absolutely right, thanks! I do think it came from a place of genuine concern, but it was a blow after not holding back at all yesterday and feeling sluggish from the food on top of being overweight.

rheddmobile

witchaywoman81 wrote: »

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

And, a little bit tangential here, but when some major bad thing happens to someone, comfort and support is supposed to flow inward toward those most immediately affected. Family and friends support the person who is actually suffering the bad thing, such as major illness; they don't ask that person to support them.

There is no manual for any of this stuff. Cancer sucks. And it sucks when your “person” is in the vulnerable position when you’re used to them being there for you. But I am trying REALLY *kitten* hard not to burden her, which is why I’m such a hot mess (again, I am in NO WAY saying this is her fault). I drove to the hospital to sit with her all day multiple times a week. I told her over and over again that it’s ok for her to feel whatever she’s feeling. I bit my tongue when she made fun of my scarf and said my boots looked sloppy. I got her whatever she needed, regardless of how ridiculous the request. I came here to vent. I didn’t tell her she was wrong, but I DID tell her that my weight is not a topic of discussion.

Parents being ill is hard. I thought my mom and I were going to straight up murder each other when we were splitting duties caretaking for my dad after his stroke. He wasn't a problem - he barely knew who we were half the time - but she was stressed and unreasonable, and it seems like the harder I tried to be sweet and understanding the more she threw at me - sometimes literally, she threw a roll of medical tape at me when she said we were out and I showed her we still had some. But we got through it. You will get through this too.

lemurcat2

witchaywoman81 wrote: »

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

And, a little bit tangential here, but when some major bad thing happens to someone, comfort and support is supposed to flow inward toward those most immediately affected. Family and friends support the person who is actually suffering the bad thing, such as major illness; they don't ask that person to support them.

There is no manual for any of this stuff. Cancer sucks. And it sucks when your “person” is in the vulnerable position when you’re used to them being there for you. But I am trying REALLY *kitten* hard not to burden her, which is why I’m such a hot mess (again, I am in NO WAY saying this is her fault). I drove to the hospital to sit with her all day multiple times a week. I told her over and over again that it’s ok for her to feel whatever she’s feeling. I bit my tongue when she made fun of my scarf and said my boots looked sloppy. I got her whatever she needed, regardless of how ridiculous the request. I came here to vent. I didn’t tell her she was wrong, but I DID tell her that my weight is not a topic of discussion.

It's really hard, yeah. I get needing to vent. I was lucky that my sister and I had each other to vent to (although we didn't always agree on everything we were pretty supportive of each other and understood).

777Gemma888

I vent here on MFP, as there is always a thread to leave it.

With critical family members, if it's not your weight, they will fixate on something else . In my case, I am now the benchmark to beat. From my younger high school aged and college aged cousins. Yup! Most of them were born after I had left, meaning, I don't know them AT ALL, nor do I want to or need to. Learning to let it go, and not care is a tight rope, at 42 years old. Placing critics on a pedestal are vibrations I refuse to entertain in my life anymore.

My mother was severely verbally abusive during her critical stages with her health. " Hullo my girl, you look fatter!" or " Why is your hair tied up? Makes you look plain" " You should wear pink, black, always in,black. You look like a ghost!" ....From her hospital bed. Lol

It's regrettable that your mum doesn't have a filter. Hugs.

Deipneus

" I know I’m fat. I’d have to be an idiot not to know that."
From time to time I've seen people ask how they can tell a relative that they are concerned about their weight and every time I tell them "just don't. They already know and your telling them will only add to their feeling bad. " Sorry you are having to deal with a mother who doesn't get that.

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jean133mjg

As I am reading all the comments on this thread, I was thinking that with the verbal abuse I remember growing up, it did leave me with one good thing. It made me realize that I hated being treated in those same ways so much that I will never treat someone like that. The hurts we endure as kids seem to stick with us our entire life. We don't outgrow them with age it seems. May we all receive the peace and love that everyone deserves.

Mistraal1981

Only read OP so if someone else said this already, sorry.

Personally I think it is really good, and brave, of your mum to tell you her concern. So many people comment when you lose weight, hardly anyone does when you gain. I wish my loved ones had expressed their concern for my weight gain. Maybe I would have sorted myself out sooner.

Tough love is the best love. These people truly have your best interests at heart.