Vanity: a poem on body image, love, and hope

autumnwater

I wrote this today. It's like bearing my soul out to all the MFP community I've come to love, so please don't post mean comments like I'm actually an ugly troll. I know this isn't something that usually goes on MFP, but I was hoping to share it and I don't know who else I would feel comfortable sharing it with. Writing it really helped me feel better, and maybe if you relate to it can be a good read. Love to hear your thoughts.
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Vanity, oh vanity
I gleam before my mirror glass
It makes me smirk. It makes me crass.
I love the way they look at me
I love the way the world does see
This “pretty” girl of twenty three.

Modesty, oh modesty
I’m no stranger to this word
And on the outside I’m demure
Inside, the truth is I’m so sure
Of what I have, of what I have.
But is it true, but is it true?

I know outside what you may see
And now I see how you see me
But then I don’t, but then I don’t.
Vanity, my vanity
Breeds and brews insanity

I want to be your trophy wife
And so I went beneath the knife
Hah, did you know? Did you know?
I was already pretty, I heard so
If it was true, I did not know.
I just knew I felt so low
I really had no fashion sense
And for years I had no friends
And so deep down I’ve always known
How feeling ugly is to self-loathe

I wanted more, I wanted more.
I wanted to top my own score
And did you know? And did you know?
When I went beneath the knife
I thought I’d have a better life
I was happy for a week or two
But then I had another view
I wanted more, I wanted more.
I wanted to top my own score.

My nose was bad. My skin was poor.
My thighs were big, and I was short.
I was always thin but never cared
But gradually I became scared
When I saw my body put on weight
My size 0 pants did not fit great
Size 2 was fine, size 2 was fine
But I wanted more, I wanted more
I wanted to top my own score

I’ve slimmed down to a small size 2
And in mental hell I have been through
But I guess I found what I looked for
I guess I’ve topped my own score
And I found a man I did adore
And do you know? And do you know?
I wish I’d say he’d love me so
But he does not. He does not.
My “pretty” face is now distraught
So once he said I’m smoking hot
But if in life that’s all I’ve got
In love I just don’t have shot

But do you know? But do you know?
In high school I had a 4.0
And then I went to a brand name school
But oh I did cry, oh I did cry
It was not Harvard, I have to sigh.
I wanted more, I wanted more.
I wanted to top my own score.

But, that’s old news. That’s old news
I’ve made peace with my schools
My job puts me on the fast track
I could say I’m ahead of the pack
I’ve even tried office politics
Still can’t say that I’m their first pick
At least I’m making progress at it
Work is a badge of pride that I am “smart”
Work is a badge of pride that I’ve worked hard
And I’ll own a home at twenty three
It belongs to me. It belongs to me.
And better yet! And better yet!
I don’t have a cent of debt.
Thanks to parental charity.
I have a privileged family.
I have it all. I have it all.
But is that true? But it that true?

Vanity, oh vanity
Breeds and brews insanity.
The more I look the less I like
And once again I find my strife
I want to be your trophy wife
And so I went beneath the knife
But I’m just another ugly *kitten*
And I want more. I want more.
I want to top my own score.

But do I care? Do I care?
To be beauty queen or millionaire?
When I’m alone. When I’m alone.
With a heart that’s cold as stone.
And do you care? And do you care?
Why would you love a girl like me?
When what you get is what you see?
I’ll say I’ll try to give to you.
And maybe I’ll give a cent or two.
But I’m too selfish to pull through.
I like to think I’m just and fair
But I can’t promise to be there
When you say you need me most
I may as well just be a ghost.
Because I’m always “me, me, me”
What you get is what you see.

I want to be. I want to be.
A kinder, giving human being.
I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want a heart of stone.
I’m sick of being lost in me.
I’m sick of my own vanity.
Life’s not about a 4.0
Size 0 jeans or brand new home
It’s about me to you and you to me
What do we bring when we all leave?
All we’ll have are memories.

I want to give. I want to give.
To give to others is to live.
And I want more. I want more.
I want to top my own score.
But not for me. But not for me.
I want to be the one, you see.
That smiles at beggars on the street
That gives away her subway seat
That forgives the friend for being late
That knows for love it’s worth the wait
That deserves the family in her life.
That deserves the friends at her side.
That deserves a man who will love me
And loves him back for eternity

Vanity, oh vanity
Breeds and brews insanity.
I’ll drop that mirror so it’ll crash
And throw the pieces in the trash
I want to be. I want to be
A kinder, giving human being.

LionessWhispers

I like this a lot. Props for sharing!!

Vune

My friend posted one of those inspiration quotes on facebook today about how a butterfly can't see how beautiful it is, and this was my word-for-word response:

"We live in a society where we aren't really allowed to see things as they are. I joke about it, but I can't explain the revelation I had when I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "What was she talking about? I'm not ugly," talking not only about my mother's words, but my own. But you can't really talk about it. If you know you're beautiful or talented or intelligent, you are also vain and shallow and phony..."


There is more to everyone than how they perceive themselves and how you see them. You can be beautiful and kind and generous and smart and happy and relaxed and hard working all at the same time. Since I looked in the mirror and made that discovery, people have tried to encumber me with the idea that I have to be superficial because they can't see my heart. No one should be ashamed of self-awareness.

Kanuenue

Love the creative expression. Should definitely be encouraged on every forum, thanks for sharing!

cubsgirlinny

bump to read later

LesaDave

Wonderful. I think, as humans, so many carry these insecurities hidden within ourselves.
Thanks for sharing. Beautiful.

Inesita44

Beautiful.... thanks for sharing

A_Healthier_Me2013

this is beautiful

autumnwater

Wow! I thought this thread was dead, and I was sure surprised to see all these comments. Glad that you all liked it. I particularly think Vune's comment about how we have to assume modesty but self-awareness should be encouraged was interesting. Thanks for all your support.

fiberartist219

This is highly relatable.

BinaryPulsar