Day One Again - big, gay, and trans

RedfootDaddy

I am not new to MFP. I've been using this website on and off (mostly off) for the better part of nine years. Nine years! I have been struggling with my weight my entire life - in sixth grade my parents offered to pay me for every pound I lost, which only drove me to overeat in secret. In the last nine years I've bounced from just under 300lbs to a high of somewhere north of 350 - my scale stops working at 336lbs so I'm not quite sure.

Six months ago I reached an record low in my adult life of 275lbs. I was running regularly, going to the gym several times a week, and seemed to be on track. Then everything went off the rails and I was never quite able to get it back on. I haven't been to the gym in months. My eating has been . . .

I struggle with binge-eating. I don't know if I have an eating disorder because I'm still on the waitlist at CAMH to speak to a mental health professional, but I'm pretty damn sure I have an eating disorder. In my bullet journal I keep a very simple tracker of the days when I'm tempted to binge, and the days when I actually binge (meaning, I eat in an uncontrolled way - it might not be over a certain calorie count, or particularly large in relation to my regular eating, but in an uncontrolled and self-destructive way). Unfortunately almost every day this year has been marked off.

Anyway, this is turning into a blog post instead of a forum post . . .

Starting again. Again. I have goals to lose weight, to run, to wear smaller clothes. I am looking for people to bounce updates off of, or food logs to ogle. I would love to be friends with other trans* people who might struggle with some of the same dysphoria I do when my body doesn't match myself in more ways than one. Other people who are starting high, like I am. Really anyone who's chatty and active.

So . . . hi. Be my friend. Please.