Divorce

thereshegoesagain

I picked up my final divorce decree today. My friends are all congratulating me, I don't know how to respond.
Even though it was my decision, I'm saddened that my 20+ year relationship didn't last. Any connection we had was lost, never to be found again despite therapy. I still say he's a good man, just not the man for me anymore.
All I want is my friends to wish that both of us find the happiness we both deserve, but they want a big f'ing party or something.

ythannah

Around the time of my own divorce I remember reading something to the effect of all our major passages in life like marriage and graduation and death are traditionally marked with ceremonies of some sort, and usually some form of get-together (party, wake). Except divorce. It's like some dirty little secret we want to quietly shove under the rug, some sort of dishonour. Maybe your friends are just tying to show support for this passage in your life.

That being said, it's completely up to you how you want to handle it. Your friends should understand that and respect your wishes.

a10383748

My condolences. I've heard splitting/divorcing with someone can be as painful as mourning the death of someone close

julesdechaine

In April 2017 my husband and best friend of 16 years informed me he had met the love of his life online and walked out on me and five children. Our very bitter and ugly divorce was finalized in October 2018, and I still have grief.
For me the hardest part was forgiving someone who didn’t deserve it, but in order for me to heal and move on, I had to give it.

For the last year, I’ve been in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, but it’s not been easy for me to overcome the betrayal.

I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.

IsETHome

thereshegoesagain wrote: »

I picked up my final divorce decree today. My friends are all congratulating me, I don't know how to respond.
Even though it was my decision, I'm saddened that my 20+ year relationship didn't last. Any connection we had was lost, never to be found again despite therapy. I still say he's a good man, just not the man for me anymore.
All I want is my friends to wish that both of us find the happiness we both deserve, but they want a big f'ing party or something.

((Hug)) It’s a loss, but also a course change where hopefully adventure awaits. Take it a day at a time. It’s ok to grieve, be neutral and pause.

Nini_applebum

I completely understand how you feel. Youre torn because on one hand the marriage is over and theres some level of feeling "ok". But yes all of the memories or future hopes and dreams , expectations are gone. So you dont necessarily feel celebratory. I think you should just be true to how you feel and when youre ready go out when you can genuinely laugh and smile go. But in the meantime maybe you do something more intimate and small with close freinds who will understand if you cry. Thats ok too. There will be time that you will be able to reflect on your marraige and it will hurt less and less. Just hang in there!
(Just wondering is your name in reference to whitesnake song. If so thats a awesome song. )

_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_

IDK, maybe their message is "congratulations on the closure." I ended a 23 year relationship (18 year marriage) last year - we just grew apart, and he's a good man but not for me anymore. There will be some sadness when the divorce is finalized, but I choose to look at it as the final step to full independence - and that's not a bad thing. Closure is necessary to move on.

thereshegoesagain

Thank you all for your support and understanding. I drank a bottle of wine, ate pasta & chocolate, had a good long cry and got through the night. I'm sure there will still be bumps, but hopefully the worst is over.
I put the word out to one friend who knows most of the others that congratulations are not in order so hopefully that nonsense will stop.
Nini_applebum, no Whitesnake reference, it's just that I've a big lover of travel.
Just_Tomek, you summed up my feelings exactly., thank you

seltzermint555

I understand your frustration with your friends' reaction. My first marriage ended after almost 10 years and it was a very amicable split. It was ultimately his idea (divorcing) but I was only hurt & angry for a week or so and then honestly felt pretty good about it. By the time it was finalized, I'd already moved on in every way and felt zero need to "celebrate" the divorce.

A lot of my friends who have divorced really had a bad time of it. Custody battles, cheating, endless drama...real anger & pain that lasted for months or years.

I think (as frustrating as it is) just count yourself lucky that your divorce wasn't as hellish and move on. I won't say congrats! hehe

nefrusy

That's so strange that your friends are offering congratulations. That'd only make sense if your ex-husband was a real jerk, and you were getting out of a terrible relationship.

Sorry to hear about the loss... I know what you mean about the sadness of the relationship not working out. I'm in a 10-year marriage that's about to end, probably for similar reasons to your own (my wife hasn't felt a connection for a long time). It is really unfortunate, but it does open the door for both of you to find new relationships where you can both be happy--or even find happiness being single. It sounds like at least the two of you are on good terms.

Best wishes to you and your ex-husband.