Losing weight with a spouse that’s doing the opposite

Kimmie827mfp
Kimmie827mfp Posts: 17 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I’m looking for any suggestions for myself on handling my situation. I am trying to lose weight. I enjoy exercise and am very active. I need to lose about 30 lbs. I’ve struggled with over eating my whole life. It’s very hard for me to stay on track and so over the years I lose and gain the same 30 lbs. Thankfully I’ve always been active, I think that’s helped a lot.
My meals are healthy. I’m well aware of what I eat, I count macros, that’s not the issue. In the evening I get sugar cravings, or want to eat to reward myself. It’s not healthy, I know. I have 4 young kids, so the evenings are tough and I eat more then I did before having kids. Because I would go out and be active. This isn’t an option now. After school is homework, sports, baths, pack lunches, go through papers from school and utter exhaustion at night. I’ve tried it all, and best solution I found was simply not have the junk in the house. Good for me, good for the kids.
Except my husband is about 100 lbs over weight, and brings the stuff into the house.
I’m pretty certain that my food issues are addictive. I’ve told him it like trying to quit smoking with a smoker or quit drinking with alcohol in the house. He’ll stop for a while but talk about wanting to buy junk. I’m pretty good about staying firm, but if I say anything about wanting it too he goes to buy it. Basically I have to be 100% strong 100% of the time and I haven’t figured out how to do that. It’s like he waits for a weak moment to pounce. It seems I can only stop this by never having a weak moment. But how do I do that?
I’ve cut out sugar in the past and that seems to help with sugar cravings but I can’t evening get through the week or 2 I need to get off sugar! The first few days I need support and he just doesn’t do that. I need support when I’m weak and I don’t know how to do this without that. In the past I did it “alone” but I’m just so exhausted at this point in my life (work and kids) I don’t care like I did years ago.
And now is when I need it most, because now it’s a health issue (insulin resistance) and not just trying to look good.

I don’t know what to do. Obviously I can’t control him. So how do I not give in when he’s talking about junk? I should add if I don’t have a weak moment he gets sulky, so I also associate getting junk at night with him being more pleasant to be around. He has no motivation to address this. I’ve tried for a decade, not going to happen. Beside this he’s a very supportive husband, hard working, good father, really great guy.
Help!!

Replies

  • SoaringOccamy
    SoaringOccamy Posts: 57 Member
    I share living space with my sister who often does her own thing as far as diet, and I too am staying sugar-free in order to manage my cravings. The things I like to do is to have low calorie foods I can use to pad out food I like to make the meal more filling for less calories.

    For example, I keep a big container of mixed greens in the fridge so that I can easily add a salad to any meal or load any sandwich, burrito, taco, etc. with lettuce. Or cook up a bowl full of frozen riced cauliflower in the microwave and add it to your pasta/casserole dishes right on your plate. This works especially well if the sauce is on the side, rather than mixed with the pasta, since you can cut out the pasta altogether in that meal. Both can be done so easily, and, to me at least, don't make my meals any less tasty.

    You can still allow yourself chips and stuff sometimes, but all the better if you can keep individual little bags since, at least for me, those are easier to track. And I personally prefer the ones like funyuns and cheetos puffs that are a little bit bigger portions for fewer calories.

    My last advice is to keep your own sugar-free candy, pudding, or ice cream in the house so that when hubby and the kids get their treat at the end of the day, you have a little something for yourself. The walmart near me carries sugar-free Reese's miniatures and they are pretty amazing. Just watch the portion on anything with sugar alcohols as their sweetener, since it can make you heckin gassy and have a bit of a laxative effect if eaten in excess. To me it is still worth it since usually overindulging wouldn't be within my calories anyway.
  • tinkerbellang83
    tinkerbellang83 Posts: 9,129 Member
    Kimmie827mfp wrote: »
    Thank you all for the replies. I think terytha you said exactly what I need, someone to back me up right now and it not him. I want it to be. Because he really is my rock with everything else, but this is something I’ll have to go else here for support.
    Also I like the idea of its HIS food and not mine to eat. Hard to do, because he’s so nice! He offered me some and tells me I’m welcome to have some. Sometimes I do say no, but sometimes I don’t. I will have to have another talk with him about this.
    I think the main thing is going to be finding support or acountabililty elsewhere.
    Thanks again for all the replies!

    Whilst I agree with the premise of not expecting your OH to be your support in this, I'd be wary of relying on someone in the real world for support, I've tried this (and many others have) several times, but the reality is people keep it up for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months, but unless they are seriously in the weight loss mindset themselves (and even those who are often end up doing it for the short term), they get bored and lose interest. It was only really when I started using the forums/groups here that I felt any sort of real accountability from other people.
  • Kimmie827mfp
    Kimmie827mfp Posts: 17 Member
    Thank you! Yeah I’ve been down that road too. Unfortunately. I’ve looked into a gym/group fitness setting. If I’m paying them, they won’t quit lol
  • cheryldumais
    cheryldumais Posts: 1,907 Member
    I have a similar issue in my home. My hubby snacks constantly at night and likes to have bags of chips and candy on the coffee table in the living room so he doesn't have to get up when he wants something. I tried getting him to put it away in the pantry for a while to no avail. Finally I bought a wire basket that fits under the coffee table and most of the time he puts it away under there. Since it's out of sight it's less tempting to me. The other thing I do is buy things for him in the catagory he wants that I like less; for example he loves salt and vinegar chips and I don't so if he wants chips I encourage salt and vinegar for him. As for treats for myself I'm also a person who uses sugarless candy but because of the laxative effect a couple small pieces is pretty much my limit daily, lol. I also eat alot of Boom Chicka Pop because it's a pretty low cal popcorn. I save a couple hundred calories a day for snacks. Remember you can't change him but you can find ways that you can cope. Good luck.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    cheryldumais wrote: »
    I have a similar issue in my home. My hubby snacks constantly at night and likes to have bags of chips and candy on the coffee table in the living room so he doesn't have to get up when he wants something. I tried getting him to put it away in the pantry for a while to no avail. Finally I bought a wire basket that fits under the coffee table and most of the time he puts it away under there. Since it's out of sight it's less tempting to me. The other thing I do is buy things for him in the catagory he wants that I like less; for example he loves salt and vinegar chips and I don't so if he wants chips I encourage salt and vinegar for him. As for treats for myself I'm also a person who uses sugarless candy but because of the laxative effect a couple small pieces is pretty much my limit daily, lol. I also eat alot of Boom Chicka Pop because it's a pretty low cal popcorn. I save a couple hundred calories a day for snacks. Remember you can't change him but you can find ways that you can cope. Good luck.

    Yes, I also find the "out of sight" trick very helpful for trigger foods.

    When we were first dating and he started keep chips at my house, he kept them up high where I could neither see nor reach them.

    We are living together now and have a mini frig, mini freezer, and candy box downstairs where potentially problematic foods are not in my face all the time. (The chips are no longer a trigger for me.)
  • JustinAnimal
    JustinAnimal Posts: 1,335 Member
    You have to stay strong.

    Also, seeing my wife lose weight has ALWAYS been the thing that has kicked me in the butt. She has semi-visible abs, she's worked so hard over the last five months, and I'm finally like "goddamn, time to move it!" I hope for you that your spouse feels some pressure and becomes more supportive than counterproductive or whatever words I'm searching for.
  • 150poundsofme
    150poundsofme Posts: 523 Member
    You can tell your hubby when he offers you something that he doesn't need to because you know the food is there. And also that you are not interested in eating that food. It is tough when someone is sitting next to you watching tv and they are eating unhealthy food (and I do believe a lot of food is unhealthy for your heart, your muscles, your organs etc.) right in front of you. I personally chew a lot of gum. I should also be drinking more water. I used to be out and there would be a dessert so I would bring it back for my hubby. Sometimes he wouldn't eat it right away and I would see it for days, tempting me. So I will not bring anything back for him. See if his junk food can stay in one high up closet that you do not need to go into. You shouldn't have to feel you have to have a snack just because he is eating one, even if it is a healthy one. You do you. Hugs p.s. And someone pushing food on you whether it is a hubby, relative or friend is not being very nice, in my opinion.
  • porcelanmermaid
    porcelanmermaid Posts: 60 Member
    I struggled with this same problem for years. my Fiance is also very overweight and he has very poor self control, when I have a bad day his first instinct is to offer some type of comfort food that I'm avoiding because he knows indulging will make me feel better.
    It wasn't until I broke it down for him why it was so important that I avoid these foods and why I wanted to lose weight and how not doing so was effecting my health, and how hard it is to lose weight when he is constantly encouraging me to eat unhealthy foods, that he finally started to stop bringing that stuff in the house. Or if he does bring it in he keeps it in a cabinet that I don't go in, and doesn't tell me its there.
    He had his own wake up call about his health so now he is also trying to lose weight which has made my life so much easier. But I had to wait for him to get there on his own.
  • texasredreb
    texasredreb Posts: 541 Member
    I live with a tenant that is the opposite gender and very much younger. We aren't spouses or partners other than occasional activity partners, so I don't have the same feelings or expectations towards him that you do your husband.

    We do like a lot of the same foods and sometimes share our evening meal, but other than that we are on different planets as far as eating habits go. He's a young man and I'm an old lady. He keeps a lot of what you would typically call junk food in the house. He buys it, he's allowed to have it and he doesn't need to hide it away from me. I don't want my diet to impose on him in any way. I don't want him to feel guilty because his snacks tempt me. It's his food and he can rightfully have it in our house.

    I get a little wistful when I see him eating a big ol' bowl of ice cream, but so far I've managed not to grab it from him and gobble it all up! If I'm having a particularly hard time ignoring the ice cream (or whatever) I ask him if I can have a small amount of it. That usually satisfies my craving, I log it and move on. So far, so good.

    As far as food goes, maybe think of your hubby as "just a housemate" and let him have his foods. It doesn't have any bearing on what you eat/don't eat.

    This was a long winded attempt to say, "You've got this! You can do it!"
  • Maxxitt
    Maxxitt Posts: 1,281 Member
    I like this: "You can tell your hubby when he offers you something that he doesn't need to because you know the food is there. And also that you are not interested in eating that food." It's direct and can be delivered kindly. If, however, he continues the pattern after you have been clear and kind, it's time for a different conversation. If his continuing to offer food is his way of showing his caring for you (which can become in engrained in families), his acknowledging this can lead to mutual exploration of ways to show caring and support. Or if he is feeling "left behind" in some way, a discussion about that can be really helpful in resolving what's going on.
  • JohnnytotheB
    JohnnytotheB Posts: 361 Member
    One thing I like to remember, misery loves company. It doesn't matter how great a person is. You will have to find ways to win the daily battle. I have this now with several people in my life. It never changes until that person wants to make a positive change in their life.
  • kathryn1391
    kathryn1391 Posts: 100 Member
    I mean, im gonna sound like the bad guy here but it sounds like you being the tough guy will help you both. While hiding his junk food so you dont see it and asking him not to talk to you about it is all well and good, it sounds to me like you both actually are in similar situations but at different levels of change within that. With all due respect someone thats 100lbs overweight really shouldnt be continually eating junk food, its just not healthy. If hes getting moody and sulky when you fight him on it, its makes me think hes using it as a crutch for something, and maybe he just needs that push to not just have access to it all the time.
    When im offered something that i want but know doesnt work with what im trying to achieve i just say "thank you but that doesnt align with my goals" and thats a blunt but nice way of being firm on it.
  • wannabeskinnycat
    wannabeskinnycat Posts: 205 Member
    Hi OP, lots of great ideas and I’m sure you’ll know which might help your scenario.

    Another could be - you join a gym, a running club, meet with friends, go walking or anything to be active a few evenings a week. You get to burn calories and stave off the temptation to eat pointless calories and he’s already at home to mind the kids.

    It’ll help you reach your health goals and he’ll see how focused you are. He might even want to join you at some point.

    Good luck xx
  • meganreid163
    meganreid163 Posts: 72 Member
    My husband is actually trying to gain weight and build muscle. It’s very hard seeing him eat 3000-4000 calories a day when I’m eating around 1800 a day.
    But I just remember that our goals are different and I always remember it’s okay to treat myself as long as it fits in my calories
  • Ducks47
    Ducks47 Posts: 131 Member
    Maybe you can ask him to keep it in a separate area or go out for his treats? He could go out for some ice cream or something instead of bringing it home? Or avoid your absolute favorites? So, if you love chips then he could buy pretzels instead, for example. Or you could have a set time where you indulge with him? Like on a date or on saturdays you could go out for pizza or whatever. Best of luck to you!!
  • bannock_and_biceps
    bannock_and_biceps Posts: 82 Member
    both my husband and my son eat whatever they want. all. the. time. for my daughter and me *she is gluten intolerant* we don't ascribe to the men's way of thinking because we don't feel good if we do. self discipline is a huge factor for us and it's not easy - believe me. they have their junk food but we modify with our own treats that suit us just fine. i cave occasionally but i am so diligent on pre logging my diary daily. i've lost 20 lbs with MFP and nothing is going to undo that success. i never want to go back to that weight!

    i hope there's a way you can find peace and a solution within your household - all the best to you!
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
    If you were studying for a degree would you expect your spouse to study with you? The habits of others does not have to impact your habits, unless you allow this.

    There's a good amount of projection at play in these scenarios. Realizing this is key to personal growth.

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