Break-up bounce back

blainsgains

Hi everyone! My name's Emma and I'm 25 year old theatre graduate from London. I work in a bakery (yikes!) and have recently found myself obsessed with running (something I NEVER imagined happening) and trying to better myself.

I'm on here because I want to keep honest and open about my experience. I've treated myself wildly negatively in the past, and not been kind to my body, regardless of the state I was in mentally or physically. I'm my own worst critic when it comes to change and development, and admittedly set my own standards way too high, and regiment myself quite intensely. But something happened recently that threw me out of whack, and caused me to question why I need to have so much control over everything.

I fell in love with a wonderful man late last year. It was intense, surprising and everything escalated pretty quickly. I'll be honest, I met him on a whim via an online dating site, largely on a 'why not?' mentality, so I wasn't actually expecting that much. We met, he was adorable, successful and laid back at the time. He tried so hard to be composed, and made silly mistakes like buying the wrong drink and pretending he liked it, or asking to kiss me because he didn't know why he'd become shy all of a sudden. It was actually really refreshing. We saw each other 5 more times that week. 6 days later, we got roasted during a public comedy show, and he was so impressed at how I took the banter that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Neither of us were that impulsive, and we noted it was quick but did it anyway, and it was such a weird and new experience for me.

Fast forward 3 months-ish, I spent Christmas with his family and he told me he loved me; we met each other's friends; saw each other all the time, and pushed each other to get better and achieve more in life, maybe even to a fault. He was insatiably driven and charismatic, and it was hard not to be inspired by him. It was wonderful. Eventually, I may have gotten too comfortable or even complacent, and he became very insecure about a career switch that wasn't paying off, which I think only helped create doubts about his level of commitment. We're not together now, and it seems it ended as quickly as it began. Needless to say, it's been pretty hard to deal with. At first, I felt really confused, as though I'd lost part of my identity. I didn't feel inspired anymore, and I had this over-whelming cloud of failure following me everywhere I went. I was questioning 'the point' of things all the time, and felt wildly embarrassed. All of a sudden, all these anxieties and bouts of self-criticism that, I guess, he'd distracted me from were all in my face, and I was forced to deal with them head on.

I couldn't even tell you why, but once I got over the initial upset I approached it differently this time. I've had a habit of dramatizing break-ups and 'fake-ups' and men I just don't get, and dwelling on it for AGES. Maybe, sure, for the first week or two I was all about debating the 'revenge body' and 'silence will attract him back' daft kind of mindsets. I got bored quickly though. They're not exactly healthy goals or mature ways to deal with things. I was really hurt and disappointed, but he was a good guy, to the point where he even ended it in a lovely way.

There was nobody to blame, and no reason to make life even harder. He wanted me in his life as much as I wanted to be, but he needed to focus on himself. And oh my Godddd, so did I. I just didn't want to. And that was a really confusing concept for me.

So, I started to sit myself down and look at things properly. It ended for a reason. Whatever the cause, I fell into a trap of people-pleasing and neglecting myself, because I didn't want to stress him out more than he already was (especially about the job he didn't like) which is quite hard not to be angry about in hindsight. Seriously like: COME ON EMMA. His stress, his life, his priorities are HIS; and yours and yours. None are more or less important. How did you forget? WHY did you forget?

Instead of punishing myself and seeking out rainbows of horrible coping techniques, I'm using this as motivation for change. I want to put myself on the pedestal I always want to see others on, and offer myself some of the kindness and motivation I insist on giving to everyone else. I want to rid myself of this punishment cycle, and aiming to 'get something' from a healthier lifestyle. I want to start living for me, and radiating change and encouragement to others who want it. I'd love to be a role model, and a positive influence. And it all starts with self-love.

I did love this guy, but I banked on him too much. I can honestly say I was fully supportive, didn't restrict him or get jealous, appreciated him and offered him anything he needed. I don't question that. But I didn't treat myself the same way, and why would that motivate him? What message was I sending about how I should be treated, if I couldn't even prioritize myself? I suppose you could say neither of us were fair to each other as much as we could've been. Sacrificing your own needs for someone else isn't love. It's nice, but what does it do for you in the long run? The most guaranteed, important and fragile relationship is with yourself. (I've been reading a lot of books recently.)

There's been a lot of tough-to-swallow pills lately. I might even sound a bit childish, but this is the first time I've ever really been through anything like this. I feel a little bit crazy to be honest with you. I'm hoping to seek motivators and new friends to guide me along, and help me feel happy-crazy in the process.

Life is weird. But it's exciting.

Thanks for reading. Lovely to meet you.

emeraldwoods4214

You got this!! 👍🏻