Isn't motivation/support a two-way street?
smoofinator
Posts: 635 Member
I see a ton of posts requesting friends, and I've been happy to oblige. After all, I need support too! I get the impression, however, that a lot of people (not everyone, but many) are looking for cheerleaders and not really interested in helping to motivate their friends. I want everyone on MFP to meet their weight/health goals and I'm certainly happy to help build people up and keep them accountable, but is it unreasonable for me to expect some support in return? Am I being ridiculous by taking the "accountability buddy" thing seriously? I genuinely don't know if I'm being overly sensitive here, so please let me know if this is ridiculous.
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Unfortunately, the only behavior you can change is your own. If the relationship feels like a one-way street, try finding others. However, this is one of the reasons why many people on here rely on themselves and themselves only to stay on track. There's no way to guarantee that someone will continue being there for you throughout the whole thing, especially into maintenance.8
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Yes, that is unreasonable. Real motivation is intrinsic, not extrinsic.
It has to come from you. Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to hold you accountable.8 -
I don't think you are being unreasonable or unrealistic. It's always nice to have people around you with the same mind set and goals. For some it really does make that final extra difference between success and failure. The idea of being held accountable works in a lot of areas of life for some people.
If you are someone who really likes having motivating people around you, you can find them. Most of my friends on here are very nice and encouraging and always like my workout posts or diary logs. I've also had to remove some people who didn't quite jive with the MFP vibe I like.3 -
No, it's not unreasonable at all. But I do think most people tend to be pretty self-focused. Especially regarding things they find difficult. IMO, use the shotgun approach with MFP friends. Accept a ton of them, then whittle the list down to just the people you most want on your list.5
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Unless people ask me questions I don't have much to say. So friending me mostly looks like me just hitting "like" a bunch unless there's an actual call for comments.
What kind of support are you looking for? Since people don't read minds, you probably have to be more explicit in asking for what you need.7 -
Unless people ask me questions I don't have much to say. So friending me mostly looks like me just hitting "like" a bunch unless there's an actual call for comments.
What kind of support are you looking for? Since people don't read minds, you probably have to be more explicit in asking for what you need.
I don't need anything, but reciprocal acknowledgement might be nice. Otherwise, what's the point of having friends on here? Seems like a pointless feature of MFP, to be honest.7 -
For a short period of time a few years ago I tried the friendship/support section of this app. Turned out...I am a horrible friend. I just couldn't get into the"way to go"/"atta girl/guy"/"good job" etc etc. So I deleted all my friends and decided to stop taking friend requests. I sometimes still get them but I end up declining. Strange thing is...I always feel a little guilty when I do.
I have just never had the need for a stranger to cheer me on. I don't need praise every time I lose a pound. I got myself to the point of being overweight and only I can change that. I either have the commitment/determination to change or I don't. No one can give me that by saying "congratulations on staying within your calorie goals".6 -
smoofinator wrote: »Unless people ask me questions I don't have much to say. So friending me mostly looks like me just hitting "like" a bunch unless there's an actual call for comments.
What kind of support are you looking for? Since people don't read minds, you probably have to be more explicit in asking for what you need.
I don't need anything, but reciprocal acknowledgement might be nice. Otherwise, what's the point of having friends on here? Seems like a pointless feature of MFP, to be honest.
One might think the friends feature is still useful for, you know, having friends. Because you like them. Like in real life.2 -
I stopped taking friend requests years ago. I'm a terrible friend. I never even look at my own feed. I have no interest in seeing what everyone else did for their workout or what they ate. Instead, I joined a group where everyone engages in the fitness activity that I enjoy. We all have that in common. I post on there a lot more, and I feel like it's a group of friends. If I have a crummy workout, someone is always encouraging. If I have a question about technique, someone has an answer or can point me in the right direction. If I just kill it one day and I want to tell the world, they all cheer me on.
What do you like to do? See if there are more like-minded people in a group and join them
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I think it is playing the odds. You need to friend 10, to get 1 with the right fit. I have over 163 friend, but I really only interact with about 30 of them, the rest are ghosts.1
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RelCanonical wrote: »
One might think the friends feature is still useful for, you know, having friends. Because you like them. Like in real life.
How can I tell if I like them if they don't communicate? Kind of my point.1 -
smoofinator wrote: »RelCanonical wrote: »
One might think the friends feature is still useful for, you know, having friends. Because you like them. Like in real life.
How can I tell if I like them if they don't communicate? Kind of my point.
They're not your friends, then. You probably shouldn't add people willy-nilly if that's your complaint. Make friends so you know what they're like and then add them. Otherwise you're just collecting people and demanding that they support you.3 -
I never bought into the whole "accountability buddy" thing.smoofinator wrote: »RelCanonical wrote: »
One might think the friends feature is still useful for, you know, having friends. Because you like them. Like in real life.
How can I tell if I like them if they don't communicate? Kind of my point.
I didn't start making friend requests until I had been here awhile on the forums lurking and commenting and ultimately finding people I have things in common with...common exercise and fitness interests, similar mindset, etc. Just like real life, you don't go up to a complete stranger and just become friends. It takes time.
I've also never really accepted friend requests from people I wasn't already pretty familiar with on the forums. I actually don't accept any anymore because I'll admit I'm a *kitten* friend and not particularly active on my homepage.0 -
I guess my issue is that people ask for friends, I friend them to be supportive, and the interactions are one-sided. I've never requested friends in the forums, nor have I demanded support. Maybe I'm talking about common courtesy? Online semi-acquaintance would be a better word to use, but I don't think it's so terrible to accept friend requests from strangers if you think you could support each other or just be kind.1
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I think with the exception of a few friend collectors, most of us do the best we can to try to support our other friends. That doesn't mean that the relationship is always reciprocal. Sometimes one friend may interact more than another. Sometimes it just comes down to luck of the draw, and who sees a post at what specific time.
I have found that posting statuses, pictures, etc, rather than just your food/exercise logs, tends to get more responses.
There have been a couple of people I have that have given 0 interaction back, and I've decided to remove them as friends. But other than that, I don't keep score. Some you will naturally develop a closer MFP relationship with than others.0 -
smoofinator wrote: »I guess my issue is that people ask for friends, I friend them to be supportive, and the interactions are one-sided. I've never requested friends in the forums, nor have I demanded support. Maybe I'm talking about common courtesy? Online semi-acquaintance would be a better word to use, but I don't think it's so terrible to accept friend requests from strangers if you think you could support each other or just be kind.
Just don't be bothered by the people who don't reciprocate. Remove them and find other people until you feel like you have enough. It's an entitlement to feel like people owe you support or attention for what you do for them, and the more you learn to let it go and adjust your behavior (e.g. remove people who aren't supporting you in the way you want and trying out other people), the happier you'll be.1 -
Unless a person offers to give you a ride to the airport or help you move a sofa, they’re not your friend.
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smoofinator wrote: »I see a ton of posts requesting friends, and I've been happy to oblige. After all, I need support too! I get the impression, however, that a lot of people (not everyone, but many) are looking for cheerleaders and not really interested in helping to motivate their friends. I want everyone on MFP to meet their weight/health goals and I'm certainly happy to help build people up and keep them accountable, but is it unreasonable for me to expect some support in return? Am I being ridiculous by taking the "accountability buddy" thing seriously? I genuinely don't know if I'm being overly sensitive here, so please let me know if this is ridiculous.
I don't think you are being unreasonable, I just think you and your "accountability buddies" may have different expectations as far as what that role entails. Providing some clarification in your requests or on your profile might help weed out people who just want to collect friends once they see that you expect responses.
You might want to look into challenges or groups, they tend to have people who interact and support each other more on the level you seem to be looking for.0 -
smoofinator wrote: »I guess my issue is that people ask for friends, I friend them to be supportive, and the interactions are one-sided. I've never requested friends in the forums, nor have I demanded support. Maybe I'm talking about common courtesy? Online semi-acquaintance would be a better word to use, but I don't think it's so terrible to accept friend requests from strangers if you think you could support each other or just be kind.
A lot of people, particularly new people just go about requesting friends and they're all gung ho and whatnot. I've been here for 7 years and I can tell you most of them are gone anyway within a few weeks.
Really, I wouldn't have much expectation from anyone who's just going out and randomly requesting friends without any other interaction or leaving some kind of message as to why they would like you to accept their friend request.1 -
smoofinator wrote: »I guess my issue is that people ask for friends, I friend them to be supportive, and the interactions are one-sided. I've never requested friends in the forums, nor have I demanded support. Maybe I'm talking about common courtesy? Online semi-acquaintance would be a better word to use, but I don't think it's so terrible to accept friend requests from strangers if you think you could support each other or just be kind.
in fairness, different people want different things, and approach/interract on MFP differently. There is nothing common about common anything. Any time you assume something to be commonplace is the exact same time you'll be disappointed. If you want support/encouragement, speak up. If you don't want it, speak up. Otherwise you get what you get.0 -
I think it comes down to time sometimes and the app set up. I use dietbet and I feel like I am a lot more active and get a good sense of support on there than I do here. Mostly because the daily feed is filled with personal stories, goals or pics vs "so-so completed diary" or "did 20 min on treadmill". Thesd things are all great but you dont get much connection to others. Which can make it hard to be helpful past the like button. Just my 2 cents.0
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smoofinator wrote: »I guess my issue is that people ask for friends, I friend them to be supportive, and the interactions are one-sided. I've never requested friends in the forums, nor have I demanded support. Maybe I'm talking about common courtesy? Online semi-acquaintance would be a better word to use, but I don't think it's so terrible to accept friend requests from strangers if you think you could support each other or just be kind.
Some people are friend collectors. They just want numbers.0 -
smoofinator wrote: »I guess my issue is that people ask for friends, I friend them to be supportive, and the interactions are one-sided. I've never requested friends in the forums, nor have I demanded support. Maybe I'm talking about common courtesy? Online semi-acquaintance would be a better word to use, but I don't think it's so terrible to accept friend requests from strangers if you think you could support each other or just be kind.
Some people are friend collectors. They just want numbers.
Agree. Not looking for numbers, just people who will respond, even if it is only to like something.2 -
smoofinator wrote: »RelCanonical wrote: »
One might think the friends feature is still useful for, you know, having friends. Because you like them. Like in real life.
How can I tell if I like them if they don't communicate? Kind of my point.
Go ahead and add them. If you they don't communicate....delete them! I only have a handful of friends on here and it is worth having them. One of them I text with daily!! I don't accept every friend request either. They must leave a message for me to accept them...I ask for that right in my profile.
If you want a friend that will contribute....feel free to add me!!0
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