My spouse sabotages my good eating habits!
noah49822
Posts: 61 Member
My wife is significantly more overweight than I am. When I am in control I have no problems losing weight, but she is constantly being the bad voice in my ear and I end up splurging. Then when I start to see results it gets worse because she sees me succeeding and she gets depressed so I find myself having comfort meals with her to make her feel better.
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Replies
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That's a tough situation. I know how challenging it is, living with other people and being the only one on a diet. I can't imagine dealing with the situation you're in. Eating together is such an important ritual, it goes beyond food. It's special time together. And it's maybe hard for her to let go of sharing comfort meals with you. And you can only try so hard and spend so much energy trying to encourage and motivate her. She has to want it herself. The only thing I can think of is to try and get her to talk about her feelings and why she feels so defeated and depressed when you succeed. There may be some underlying fear that she'll lose you. If it comes to that point, despite the trouble and expense of preparing two meals, you have to stick to your guns, and if she chooses comfort food, fine, but have a healthy meal for yourself. You're still sharing that time together. Maybe seeing you so determined and focused will inspire her, too.5
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I am really going to try to eat what i need to eat and let her do her own thing. I do most of the cooking so i am at the point I need to just cook my healthy meal and if she doesn't like it she can fend for herself. Honestly it is just the weekends that kill me. We actually live in different states during the week for work. So Mon-Thurs is easy, but Fri-Sun and all my improvements are gone.8
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Stop using HER to sabotage yourself.
Are you being spoonfed? No? Then YOU are the one sabotaging yourself.
Yes, it sucks that she feels insecure.... but you can't compromise YOUR health b/c of that. Keep loving her as you always do. Show her with your actions that you love her no matter what, but stop using her insecurity as an excuse to splurge and whatnot.
If she keeps trying to push bad foods on you, you obviously see what she's doing. Just say no. You're a grown up.33 -
I have to agree with LiLee. I mean, no one puts food in my mouth. That's all on me.
It's always a choice what I eat, regardless of pushy coworkers, moms and their cooking, significant others, happy hour, whatever. It's on me.9 -
Well goodness - I’m in the same boat but decided to eat healthy so I sit at the table eat the rest of the family has their own foods. Hard but we get the together time that’s what a partner is really craving so they don’t feel alone in the world. Pulling away from her eating at a gym not seeing her when you barely do as it is will make her feel emotionally deprived that leads to over eating to more issues for her. Just eat at the table with her ask if she wants some. If your in charge of the cooking make her a healthy plate if she doesn’t want it she can get up cook something else for herself only. That’s what Tupperware is for. Ask her to start walking with you let her talk all she wants you can too. Both gets excersice and you both get some couple time. You can’t expect her to go from 0-360* so no gym excersice together lol just a simple walk in the evenings your together. Show her this app add it to her cell say we can do this together as a couple if you like. If she doesn’t want to just keep dieting having healthy meals next to her she’ll jump on the band wagon when she’s ready.8
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My wife is significantly more overweight than I am. When I am in control I have no problems losing weight, but she is constantly being the bad voice in my ear and I end up splurging. Then when I start to see results it gets worse because she sees me succeeding and she gets depressed so I find myself having comfort meals with her to make her feel better.
Got bad news for you buddy. It is an uncomfortable spot you're in, no doubt. I mean, you don't want to hurt your wife, but the fact of the matter is that neither of you are going to eat your way out of a problem that has nothing to do with food. You're a hostage.
I know nothing of your marital situation, any particulars about how the two of you get along, if she fears you, or you her etc, so I won't make any suggestions for fear of being misunderstood and putting bad advice out there.
What I will say is that my wife has a dessert every single night, bar none. She does not always understand why I say no *sometimes* and why I dive in at others, but we respect and support each other deeply. There are no hurt feelings, no shame or sense of falling behind or insecurities otherwise involved. We simply had to get to know each other well enough to talk openly so we could pinpoint problem areas in the relationship.
I wish you all the good fortune.16 -
I agree with those who have said that ultimately, no one else is control of what you put in your body besides you. That being said, it sounds like your wife and you have some issues that should be talked out, with a counselor if need be. Try to get to the source of her unhappiness with you working to improve you habits.
A lot of times, spouses/partners worry that if you lose weight, you'll want to leave them for someone new. So that could be part of the reason why is she is negative about it. It may be because of different underlying issues. But its something that shouldn't be ignored and just hope that it improves. You guys need to have a serious, mature conversation about it12 -
This comes up from time to time..and it happens to many of us. It has happened to me too.
if you can help it.. don't talk about your fitness plans with her. It takes some self control..but just do your thing without talking about it..because all it does is draw their attention faster.
When your wife tries to tempt you with food or outings where there will be food.. you're going to have to hang tough and just say.. I can't eat that.. I have health goals that I just want to achieve.. I would appreciate your understanding.." (there's nothing much anyone can say to that)
also..keep busy... I actually work later and try to come home later so my husband won't tempt me with drinks.
But..the good news is.. now my husband is full on board...trying to lose his weight and is actually leaning on me for advice. So.. things can change.
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My dad used to sabotage me. He eats the worst food and expected me to eat with him. He'd say, "I really want (insert bad food). Do you want some?" If I said, "I can't have that but you should make it for you," he'd reply with, "Oh... I guess I won't have it then..."
It was so frustrating, but eventually I decided to be strong and ignore him and do what I needed to do for me. It's hard and I felt guilty about it for a while, but then I realized I shouldn't make him responsible for my diet's success any more than he should make me responsible for getting the food he wanted. I took control of my choices and he started realizing if he wanted that food he was just going to have to eat it on his own.
If she's depressed, there are other ways to comfort than comfort food. It took me too long to figure that out myself.10 -
My family dose this as well . I need to learn to be stronger and not cave in .2
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Communicate, communicate, communicate! and reassure her that you are trying to better yourself for you and that it doesn't mean that you love her any less. I'm not trying to make any assumptions about your relationship but as a wife who also spends alot of time apart from my husband, feelings of doubt about our relationship are sometimes hard to shake and even more so when you can see changes in your spouse without understanding why those changes are happening. I'm guessing that if she felt reassured and confident in the relationship that she may not throw the little sabotages at you anymore.9
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I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.6
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robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.
That is exactly what i have been experiencing.... that pout when there is not any good food on the table. Then I feel guilty and end up cooking something or worse ordering something that i know she likes.2 -
robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.
That is exactly what i have been experiencing.... that pout when there is not any good food on the table. Then I feel guilty and end up cooking something or worse ordering something that i know she likes.
I think you have to let her own her own emotions.
Pouting is something a three year old does. (??)
She is an adult and she'll get over it, or she can fix her own food.7 -
robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.
That is exactly what i have been experiencing.... that pout when there is not any good food on the table. Then I feel guilty and end up cooking something or worse ordering something that i know she likes.
She is an adult. She can feed herself if she doesn't like what you've cooked. I think that's kind of rude, after you've spent time making a meal for the two of you and for her to pout that it's not good enough. I would just stop babying her tbh. If she wants to pout and be upset because you're eating healthier and losing weight, that's on her.7 -
My husband offers me lots of food after dinner (how he stays a manageable weight, I still don't understand!). Fortunately, he can tell when I'm serious about managing my own weight because he offers once then not again. It's up to me to say no. While I wish he didn't offer it to me, I'd also be more irritated if he got some for himself without offering me any Anyway, it's a chance for me to make my own choice and then own my choice. 3
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robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.
That is exactly what i have been experiencing.... that pout when there is not any good food on the table. Then I feel guilty and end up cooking something or worse ordering something that i know she likes.
Emotional manipulation.
Don't feel guilty. She's an adult, she can make her own food or order something she'll like better. You see what she does... suck up any guilt you might be feeling and stand strong with your healthier choices. If SHE wants to eat bad, that's on her.
Sabotaging yourself isn't doing anyone any favors. You're obviously not happy that it's happening. You see what's happening. You recognize it. Now change it for the better.
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I have the same problem, but I refuse. She brings home donuts, they go stale on the table. They go to DQ, they go without me. As my daughter says, nobody forced you to drink the shake DAddy. Just outright refuse to consume.6
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I get you, it's tough to find the balance between making your loved ones happy and doing what's right for you.4
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for the weekends - why not sit down and plan meals with her - that way you make foods that she likes and you can enjoy as well8
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Lol 😆 she really pouts like my 2yr old? My 2yr olds are sabotaging 🤴 King. He refuses food or eats but wants pizza. Pizza 🍕 he says to his Dad sad eyes 👀 blazing ...I wanna pizza (over exaggerates his sighs* ) lol next thing I know I get have you fed the baby? Well of course I did this isn’t a 🌵 desert 🐫 the boys as tall as a 6yr old he can open the pantry grab something if I tried lol. Next thing I know I’m told to order the baby pizza 🍕. Lol he’s lucky his parents are old my Adult Daughter laughs says you never let me get away with that. She says I’m treating him like a grandkids lol. But I skipped the pizza 🍕 when I can or change up my diet for the day to match 1 slice only a day to none. It’s funny to hear a grown woman trying that. You need to try what I do with cooking for the hubby (Kid Is a whole other battle lol) .I cook 1 portion in 1 skillet 🍳 another portion in another totally different meals.I serve his up on his plate from his pan. Then serve my healthy one from my pan to my plate. I Tupperware any extra.3
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I'm not trying to be harsh but... she's a grown woman. The one responsible for her negative feelings and insecurity is her and her alone. Just as she isn't responsible for your food choices, you are not responsible for her emotions. You can support and love her, but you can't feel her feelings for her or fix her problems.
She needs to address her issues herself. You should be encouraging therapy.2 -
I'm not trying to be harsh but... she's a grown woman. The one responsible for her negative feelings and insecurity is her and her alone. Just as she isn't responsible for your food choices, you are not responsible for her emotions. You can support and love her, but you can't feel her feelings for her or fix her problems.
She needs to address her issues herself. You should be encouraging therapy.
I wish it was that easy2 -
can you sit down with her and meal plan for the week ahead? that way you're both eating the same of something together. I agree communication plays a huge part in helping her realise its not about her. she is free to eat the food, but you're not hungry or interested. it will go back and forth for a few weeks until she realises you're serious and probably stop. There are other ways to make her feel better without food being the answer to make her happy. Surely something like movies out or a trip to her favourite place? But still at end of day, do try communicate with her that rejecting food isn't a rejection of her.5
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Losing weight when not everyone in the house is on board is tricky. I make the food (most of the time) in our house too, so I make foods my husband and I both enjoy but that I can fit into my calorie budget. I also keep extra snacks around for him. The most important thing I've found is that I continue counting my calories regardless of how much anyone objects or says "let's have a treat day" or whatever. I have failed on the journey a few times before now and I became obese because of it. I'm a healthy weight now, and everyone is just used to me logging my food. I have just made it a priority. My health is a "hill I'm willing to die on", as they say.5
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I am really curious about the types of food that are being eaten and cooked in your home. For example, what would you consider a good, healthy, normal dinner VS. what does your wife consider "a good meal"?
I know this is nosy of me to ask -- but I'm just perplexed many times by things along these lines.
Isn't there some kind of happy compromise that can be reached? Like, you both eat chicken, but you have a salad or veggies with it and she has mashed potatoes & gravy with it? A pizza night when you get thin crust with one meat & veggie for toppings and she has the deep dish with everything? Sub sandwiches with a cookie & chips for her and carrot sticks and fruit for you?
I think on these forums we see this same topic a lot, but more often it's the wife complaining that her husband wants to eat more food, richer, higher calorie food or junk food. I fully grasp that the gender roles can make it more complex sometimes...some women have the idea that they should always eat less than a guy does and it makes them feel insecure if not. Too bad. As others have said, she should respect your fitness & health goals. It's your life and your body at stake.
Hoping you two can reach some sort of compromise when it comes to meals. I think it's good that you're not expecting her to eat healthy 100% of the time or join the weight loss bandwagon simply because you are. If she can't grasp that, it's her problem.19 -
Just get 2 seperate meals cooking your now granola bars to spinach juice 🥤 she’s still burger y 🍟 fries. She’s not going to make that huge of a leap all at once she hasn’t made your choice yet. When she does maybe it a ease into it1
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robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm sorry to hear that. My husband does that to me. He says he wants me to lose weight, but as soon as I get serious and stick to my journaling he wants to stuff me with food. He then starts this "Well if you don't eat any, I won't either" thing and starts pouting.
That is exactly what i have been experiencing.... that pout when there is not any good food on the table. Then I feel guilty and end up cooking something or worse ordering something that i know she likes.
Bummer. Maybe ask her to cook with you if there something she wants that you don’t need. Then she can’t complain because she had a chance to contribute.1 -
can you give examples of what you're putting on the table for the two of you to have?0
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seltzermint555 wrote: »I am really curious about the types of food that are being eaten and cooked in your home. For example, what would you consider a good, healthy, normal dinner VS. what does your wife consider "a good meal"?
I know this is nosy of me to ask -- but I'm just perplexed many times by things along these lines.
Isn't there some kind of happy compromise that can be reached? Like, you both eat chicken, but you have a salad or veggies with it and she has mashed potatoes & gravy with it? A pizza night when you get thin crust with one meat & veggie for toppings and she has the deep dish with everything? Sub sandwiches with a cookie & chips for her and carrot sticks and fruit for you?
[snip]
Hoping you two can reach some sort of compromise when it comes to meals. I think it's good that you're not expecting her to eat healthy 100% of the time or join the weight loss bandwagon simply because you are. If she can't grasp that, it's her problem.
^^ This. I think this is the best answer yet. Quoting it in hopes you'll see it OP!3
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