A father watching time slip by: Intelligent and failing miserably. Support requested.

mochrist87

Hey all,

32 year old father and husband who loves sports and theoretically knows what's good for him, but I've been heavy my whole life except for 16-21 years old. At 6'0, I'm at 217, but I believe I should be smart and active enough to get below 200 and stay there - afterall, I know the benefits of sleep, hydration, meal planning, diet over exercise, food prep, developing a system, no "all or nothing" thinking, etc. I love sports - theoretically I could play them all of the time.

In 2015, I dropped from 228 to 201 for a brief moment and then it slipped through my fingers. A decade of back problems (probably exacerbated by weight and inactivity) and a baby on the way in 2017, I ballooned back to mid 220s and find myself stuck at 213, having good weeks and bad weeks alternately.

I am prone to bingeing and, for 5 years was prone to purging, but I'm happy to say that the purging is behind me. Still, I get frustrated as clothes don't fit, as random bouts of back pain interfere with my fathering, as days of restraint/moderation end in 3 beers or a binge of a ton of small things that add up - spoon of peanut butter, handful of lunch meat, nutrigrain bar (in the house for easy child snack - not for me), etc.

I'm not worried about ever growing past 230 again, but something is wrong - I have read, spoken, and reflected on all of this before and know that "self control" is a fallacy, but what else do you call it when someone has all of the theoretical knowledge and none of the follow through?

At 32, I know my back and joints will only get more difficult to work with. That time will only disappear faster. This saddens me because I feel my weight and health will ultimately limit the time I can devote to my family, be it in physical activity or heart health.

I have beaten myself up. I've forgiven myself. I've been extreme. I've been moderate. I've practiced kindness to self. About the only thing I haven't done is immerse myself in a community who could help. Despite the frustration and sadness, I still think it's within my grasp, but a new route needs to happen.

Suggestions, encouraging words, commiseration all appreciated. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,
Christian

quiksylver296

Suggestion: Read this thread.

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1080242/a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants/p1

corinasue1143

WHY do you binge? Bored= find something to do, hungry= logging on MFP, then looking to see what you ate or didn’t eat for about a day before you binged, don’t do that again, hurting= tend to the pain, tired= take a 15-minute nap before you eat anything.
Plan, be prepared. Have lots of low calorie things you like readily available. Fruit, vegetables, ?

mochrist87 wrote: »

as days of restraint/moderation end in 3 beers or a binge of a ton of small things that add up - spoon of peanut butter, handful of lunch meat, nutrigrain bar (in the house for easy child snack - not for me), etc.

Maybe you are restricting too much? Maybe you need to eat a little more while trying to lose, lose a little slower?
Maybe you need to experiment with which foods leave you better satisfied in the long run. For many of us it is protein. For others, it’s something different.

mochrist87

I think you're onto something with boredom. To be closer to friends and work, we downsized to 1300 ft apartment with a two year old child. Even though we're doing things, I feel like a lot of time is spent inside (naps, baths, etc) but mere feet from the kitchen at any given time. Managing boredom has always been tricky for me.

Additionally, I like the idea of checking successful MFP days and replicating, but I have to admit that after a great run in 2015, logging daily feels impossible. The morning starts well but it falls apart.

corinasue1143

Hacky sack. Remember those? Small. Easy to fit in a small apartment, on top of the fridge? Challenge friends. Practice so you can beat them. Win, win!

busyPK

I've lost, then gained weight back more than I'd like to admit. For me, and it could be you as well as others have said, could it be boredom? I try and only focus on the today in regards to food. Stick to my calories today and don't look at the long term fact that I have 30lbs to drop. Finding exercise and an exercise goal has also helped me. I run charity races and have one in a couple weeks that I've been training for. The exercise is my me time and provides a stress relief from life. Feel free to friend me - having some friends on here has helped me when I'm having a rough patch.

88olds

I weighed 285 lbs. We had 2 little kids. I had a CPAP, HBP, debilitating back pain and what seemed like a permanent cough. I was going to kill myself eating and leave two kids with no dad. What kind of person would do something like that?

I didn’t decide that I loved myself at 285 lbs, but somehow I found my way to self respect. Failing my kids was a bridge too far for me. Setting an example was part of my job. I had taken it on. My grandfathers were coal miners. Its was like my DNA woke up. I went to work.

No, I didn’t do grueling workouts in the gym. At least not a first. Not for a couple of years. I didn’t become a model of iron will discipline. But I did start paying attention to what I was doing, including what went on in my head. I quit drinking alcohol. Alcohol made it hard to concentrate. I started a moderate exercise program, mostly stationary bike and walking.

Then I discovered the gym. If weight loss happened at the gym I would have made my goal weigh of 184 lbs a lot sooner than I did. Fortunately, I eventually found my way to calorie counting. Actually, I joined Weight Watchers, which was really just copyright protected calorie counting. I got a food scale, used it, planned menus, crunched numbers and kept a food diary.

I reread your post. I don’t see where you mention anything about calorie counting. I joined WW out of desperation. It was embarrassing. But I had been stuck at about 215 lbs for years. I had a personal trainer who came to the house. He’d leave me on the floor unable to get up. Remember I was 285 at one point. I didn’t believe the stuff I could do. But I couldn’t get the scale under 212 lbs.

The problem? I was eating too much. Well, too many calories. I still eat a lot but I weigh much less. It can be done. Swallow your pride, get a food scale and start crunching numbers. Start a food diary that you keep going no matter what. If the voice in your head starts telling you that you should do it some other way, tell the voice to shut up. There are a lot of ways to lose weight, but I came on to your thread to try to convince you to try the way that actually helped me. And I tried a lot of them. I have a soft spot for people who say they want to change for their kids. A lot of people will say no, you have to do it for yourself. I think I did. Ultimately it was about the kind of person I was going to be. But my kids, now grown, were big beneficiaries.

And just FYI- our son never had much interest in sports, he’s a math guy. But somewhere along the line he discovered weight training. Our daughter played some sports, but the emphasis with her was on the play part. She just became a certified personal trainer. I rarely said anything to either kid about diet, exercise or fitness. But somehow they got it.

Really, try full on calorie counting. Friend me if you want, I’ll walk you through it. It works. Its the laws of physics.

puffbrat

mochrist87 wrote: »

I think you're onto something with boredom. To be closer to friends and work, we downsized to 1300 ft apartment with a two year old child. Even though we're doing things, I feel like a lot of time is spent inside (naps, baths, etc) but mere feet from the kitchen at any given time. Managing boredom has always been tricky for me.

Additionally, I like the idea of checking successful MFP days and replicating, but I have to admit that after a great run in 2015, logging daily feels impossible. The morning starts well but it falls apart.

I suggest focusing on this. Pre-logging my day is one of the best tools for keeping me on track. I still have plenty of days of going over and eating things that weren't pre-logged, but I am also more likely to resist eating something unplanned if I know it doesn't fit with the rest of my day.

I also have a 2-year old and understand how much a toddler's snacks and regimented schedule can throw yours off. But like everything else in parenting, you just have to adjust your life to make it work. I like to do yoga or lift weights during nap time and after my kid goes to bed. That is also when I tend to clean, fold laundry, and do hobbies like sewing, crocheting or puzzles.

gallicinvasion

I felt so similar. The only thing that helped me get started was behavioral therapy I highly recommend it.

haydennorris04

If ya ever need support or motivation hit me up. Message me when you need someone to help ya through and you're feeling like you're giving in to the boredom. I'm in the same boat, we can help eachother out.

elisa123gal

You are not stuck, you are not broken. You just have not found your path.. or way of eating that works for you. Or, maybe it is a way of eating paired with exercise that will do it for you. You have to get to that place where you find what works and what you can stick with forever. Then it gets easy.

You sound a lot like my husband... he has lost weight on Atkins but always regains..as who can eat meat and cheese forever when you love all food? He is finally losing weight after all these years eating like what has worked for me.. whole foods six times a day all food groups and lots of water. this way of eating works for the both of us. He is so happy that he's losing weight and eating, no hungry. Yet, many on here count calories.. that works for them. Just keep trying..you will find your way.

TravisJHunt

Just know you aren't alone! I've yoyo'd most of my adult life. I was the peak of being in shape 14-22 and then it all went south and I've struggled since. Yes its simple and yes everyone should be able to do it but just like not everyone who tries alcohol becomes an alcoholic, not everyone who eats has food issues. There are tons on here that will tell you how simple it is and just do it. While its true, it isn't that easy for everyone and they'll never understand. The good news is just like alcoholics and recover, so can people with food issues. You've recognized the issue which is the first step and the hardest one. Good luck!

cmriverside

I'm just gonna say...have you thought about a little therapy? I mean to me you sound depressed, and there is hope and help. You have a lot of good going on in your life, but you're focusing on the thing that bugs you.

In the meantime, my suggestions is to put that kiddo in a stroller and get outside. Nature can heal just about anything that life can throw. I don't think it has to be a "sport" - just looking at trees and grass and the occasional wild animal does wonders for the soul.

This will calm you while you browse the forums. It's my morning dose of peace to you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qm846KdZN_c

Zinka61

Including your kids in physical activity, nature walks, trips to the park to play (and you play too), even gong out to toss a ball around will keep you busy and away from the kitchen and set your kids on the right path. When my kids were little, I was thinner than I am now, because I was often pushing a little one in a stroller for long periods of time with breaks for exploration, visiting the library, etc. Now, with my kids grown, I find that immersing myself in some activity outside is the best way to get my mind off of food. As a former fast- binge eater (I still binge after emotional stress, tbh), I find that planning my day with a reasonable number of calories, the most nourishing and filling food I can think of, and frequent, planned meals and snacks helps keep me from binging due to deprivation. Once I establish the routine, it gets easier. Remember that your kids are watching you and developing eating habits, so eating this way will benefit them as well.

rheddmobile

Logging shouldn’t feel impossible - are you using all the tools to make logging easier? Restaurant menus and the location function, scanning barcodes, recipe builder and saved meals for combinations of things you eat more often?

It takes me moments to log most days - I eat one of two different breakfasts so that’s usually a slide to copy from the previous day. Lunch is usually a meal out which I use the location button for unless it’s a place I go all the time and I can do it even quicker using a saved meal. By this time 90% of my snacks and dinners are already in my recent list.

It does take a little bit to get everything set up, but it gets easier as more foods are in your recent list. And logging everything tends to give me a little extra push to avoid the kind of grazing you describe - I could go back and get that little bit of whatever, but then I would have to log it!

pontious11349

Habits are stronger than will power.

This might sound like a regurgitated motivational quote (probably is), but really think about it. Do you want to be weighing foods, meal prepping and doing gruelling workouts? If so thats great. Go you, and you'l be sub 200 in no time. I just know as a young father myself that time is precious.

So I'd recommend making make small changes which have negligible impact on your lifestyle but incrementally have a large impact over time. These small changes will become habitual.

The key is identifying where you are sinking calories unnecessarily. For me I realised I was having 2 milky coffees a day which amounted to circa 320Kcals of milk every day. Over a week thats 2240Kcals. So by simply dropping the milk and making no other changes at all to my life I'd lose 1lb every 12 days (3500kcals). Crazy huh.

If you couldnt face black coffee, drop 1 cup of coffee and have a flavoured tea as your other warm cup. You might not drink coffee at all Whatever it is, just seek out those dead calories in your existing diet and replace them.

Chuck in some additional movement if your back permits and you will be on a journey to success. Might not be the quickest journey but you will make it.

Good luck.

glovepuppet

Therapy. Therapy is great. Sometimes you need more than a pep talk, an ap, or a kick up the butt. Sometimes you need to figure out why you aren't motivated to prioritise your well-being. Detox your mind, shed the excess weight from your head first.

88olds

pontious11349 wrote: »

Habits are stronger than will power.

...Do you want to be weighing foods, meal prepping and doing gruelling workouts?

Actually weighing food and meal prep are pretty easy once they become habits. The initial number crunching takes some effort. But overall, calorie counting isn’t much of a burden once you have it up and running.

Grueling workouts, however, are grueling.

VitaCica

There’s many layers to your weight struggles and fellow dieters on this forum have given their support and helpful advice. Some of which I hope you find beneficial.

Growing up I had a big issue with binge eating. If I managed to starve myself skinny I’d always gain the weight back which led to years of yoyo-dieting. Until about 8 years ago when I decided to change the way I eat entirely by cutting out most of the high carb, starchy elements that accompany every meal. I’m talking about breads, cereal, potatoes, pasta, rice ...etc. All the relatively tasteless things used as a vessel for the tasty stuff.

I mostly replace them with vegetables and high protein, even high fat foods. I don’t deny myself the occasional serving of these offenders but I keep it moderate. Also choosing better quality bread and replacing rice with buckwheat or quinoa helps break the cycle.

Making this change has curbed my hunger and cravings by 70% and my weight naturally has been sitting about 20lbs lower than before. It’s worked so consistently for me that even people that have known me for years wouldn’t believe I was ever chubby.

Everyone’s different obviously but it worked so well for me, maybe it would work for you too.

mochrist87

I really appreciate everyone's contributions here - ya'll are really leaning into that "community" noun. For those who've done therapy, I'm curious about your experience finding a good counselor. I've been to about four therapists at this point, sticking with them for various lengths, and I have yet to find someone I really connect with. Was there a fair amount of experimentation and jumping around you did?

As for those suggesting activity and where I "sink" my calories specifically, these are the strategies I'm referring to when I say that I know them, but I actively go against them some time. I'm very aware that the middle of the night snack is harmful - to the point that I've eaten before bed to stave it off, drink plenty of water, don't drink any water (so i don't wake up to go to bathroom, that I have pre-cut fruit in there to reduce how many calories I eat, etc). That's a pretty robust number of strategies, but I still raid the more unhealthy options or make my own unhealthy option (5 spoonfuls of peanut butter and milk from the jug? sure).

This is where things like mentality come in. One of the most poignant comments above was, "Sometimes you need to figure out why you aren't motivated to prioritise your well-being." I'm curious if any of you had a flip switch and a realization that was happening. OR if it was more an overtime changing of attitudes that you needed to.

Fuzzipeg

I fear you will think my idea off the wall. I have a very good Chinese Doctor, she has made a real difference to my shoulders and spine with acupuncture, it feels so good not to have the nagging pain I'd become so accustomed to and did not notice any longer because I'd been living with it for so long. Also, she can address so much more even one's well being. I can't explain how it works only that it did for me and many others. If you can find someone similarly trained I would encourage you to give it a go, though it will probably take several to ease your problem.
All the very best.

glovepuppet

I was lucky, in that the first therapist my Dr advised was good for me.
I saw another a few years later, and she made me feel quite violated so I never went back.

I think that, unless you have negative feelings towards them, you don't really have to connect in order for them to understand your issues and for you to benefit from their insight. It's not a friend or a date, after all. Sessions will sometimes be uncomfortable and upsetting, but that's just part of the process, and you have to accept that you may feel worse before you feel better.

HappyEC

I had a “flip a switch” experience this time round, but after a build up. I’d lost weight before on MFP, then gained it back and more during a time of high stress. I saw calorie counting as too obsessive and began creating habits where I used food to relax, ease stress, and to “take care of myself” by allowing myself treats.

I’ve been embroiled in a bitter custody dispute for years. My current husband and I have also had miscarriages and fostered babies during that time, and downsized to a smaller home, and changed jobs, so I feel the pain of experiencing a number of different stresses - change, relationship strain, toddlers and babies, etc. Policing my food seemed like too much to ask.

But like you I was also wanting to change. My switch flipped after several months of build-up. During that time I consciously created new habits one at a time. I saw an intuitive eating nutritionist to get past feelings of shame about diet and food, and began to work on identifying what was going on emotionally when I reached for food (anyone can do this by tracking how you feel before and after you eat anything, and then examining that to see where you’re eating in a fog or out of hunger or to avoid emotions like boredom).

I began to eat the same breakfast daily, with some variety on weekends. I like it and it keeps me full. After some time, this is now a firm habit that starts me off well and makes tracking breakfast easy - I just swipe to add previous day’s meal. One less decision daily.

After a few weeks, I moved on to lunch. I did get bored sometimes and switch it up, but overall I have a habit now.

Snacks next. Believe me when I say I’m not a “schedule” person. But having these building blocks firmly in place because I built them one at a time has meant I have more headspace to deal with life without using food and making things worse.

One habit at a time until it really takes. Currently I’m mastering having a clear flavoured tea at night with TV instead of cookies or crackers. I have switched to black coffee during the day except for work meetings etc, which has automatically freed up more calories for me for food.

All this brought me to my moment, when I was so stressed with my ex and the custody battle, and the worry was so emotionally unbearable, that I decided to take control of something - and that something was my weight. Suddenly, with my habits supporting me, I wanted to get my body back. And so off I went. I set a goal for the month and chose a dress to fit into for an event.

I think if you also work on one habit at a time, you could set yourself up for your “flip a switch” moment. When it does flip, you’ll be ready to go for it.

staticsplit

I'm in Cognitive Analytical Therapy for bulimia at the moment (the purging has stopped and the binging has also largely stopped). I am in the UK so I was referred to the local eating disorder clinic. I had a very severe eating disorder as a teen, so this time I reached out quite soon into the relapse and before it started interfering with my life.

I did a round of group art therapy which was good and now one on one therapy, and I really like my therapist. She's been good at articulating why I keep bouncing between extremes and helping me find a good middle ground. She's OK with my logging etc as it when I don't log I tend to spiral and thing 'well I've already eating so much let's just eat everything.' Then I freak out when I feel too full and can't deal with it. Therapy was mostly me confronting why I can't deal with certain emotions and distract myself with food/negative coping mechanisms.

Looking at food through logging helped me a lot. I try to view it as data. You are likely being too restrictive on your 'good' days, which is setting you up for binging. I was trying to eat 1400 as an active 6 ft woman. It was too little for how much I do. I'd manage for a week, then 'binge' (say eat 3.5k one day, most of it eaten within an hour) which only ended up softening my aggressive deficit. Once I told myself I had to eat at least 1700 but ideally 1800 and then try not to go above 2600 (but if I do once or twice, especially on active days, that's OK), my binging pretty much stopped. Logging helps me be more mindful and I aim to have actual balanced meals instead of eating a bunch of crackers and calling that lunch (which leads to a blood sugar spike down the line). I have successfully maintained my healthy weight since October, and 2019 has had a lot less ED slip ups. I'm still probably a bit too food focused and exercise a bit too much, but it's not overkill and is manageable. I'm in such a better place than I was last year and I never want to go back to that headspace ever again.

There's no shame in therapy. I think we should all do therapy now and again as a general mind check up, just how we go for routine physical checkups. We all have our hangups.

mochrist87

Just circling back here. I recently read The Obesity Code which normalized things like skipping a meal when appropriate, reducing snacking, and being smarter with carb choices. All of these things made inherent sense, but - for me - seeing the tremendous link between constant glucose/insulin spikes and weight gain was excellent for gaining a mindset to go against it. I'm down to 203 right now after the healthiest month in years. I have taken care of my back while playing hockey twice a week, even as my knees and abs sometimes protest (they'll get in line), and I'm optimistic. Thank you to everyone here for the encouragement, and - if you need it yourself - keep trying things. You never know what'll stick.

ladyzherra

Thanks for sharing so openly. I used to purge, as well, many years ago. I am a food addict and binge eater. Check out the Emotional Eating group here on MFP. I have found a lot of support there.

hlr1987

I'm the same age and I really hate feeling like you know you body could do something, only it can't.
Two things I've realised personally that may or may not apply to you:
1. My normal diet throughout the years (usual breakfast, lunches, dinners) were geared to a calorie and macro content for someone about 30 pounds smaller than me. As I'd grown, my meal sizes hadn't gotten bigger, nor had the amount of nutrients I was getting to support my body function.
2. Its a normal response to not meeting enough nutrients, and macronutrient and care needs, for my body to up the cravings for quick fixes. I was meeting a physical need for extra calories, usually with sugar because I'd be tired all the bloody time. So if you took snacks away, my deficit was too much to sustain and it became a cycle.
Long term this means that I overeat on sugar, gain weight, try to fix it and struggle to keep going which ends with binging again. This time I'm really focused on getting my protein and carbs, with a small deficit which is meaning some rearranging of my plate at normal meals, sometimes eating more, and planning snacks that support that for if I need more protein or particular vitamins, and I'm trying to really listen to my body if I'm physically hungry. Im determined that I will be successful even if it takes a lot longer, because I want that active life again so much. But I recognise that it will take me time, and intense introspection, self awareness to say - today I'm hungry. What can I eat that will be best for me right now?
Sorry for the longer post, I've been musing on past failures a lot and many of your physical frustrations chime with how I feel getting older.

jhanleybrown

They call it "dad bod" for a reason. (Dad of 3.) Probably better advice above but...

Just want to point out 2 things:
- lack of sleep causes a whole lot of things including a huge hit on discipline (young kids = sleep challenges), depression etc.
- alcohol for me = snacking (even small amounts of alcohol = massive snacking)

To lose my dad bod 25 (well 20 of 25 so far...5 to go) I had to focus on sleep and eliminate alcohol. (I give myself breaks and am not psycho about it but have to do it when serious about weight loss...)

You still have to do all the other stuff. It was a hamster wheel until I addressed those things. And while not easy, it got 10x easier.

I didn't address them until my LDL started to climb. So it took threat of health issues to actually change.

Hope this is possibly useful.

gemiller87

I'm 32, turning 33 soon (yuck...), have two young daughters and have been "heavy" for most of my life and so is much of my family. There's definate mental games that need to be played but it can absolutely be done. I went from 350-360 at Dec2018/Jan2019 to 215 as of this morning... it can be done. If you'd like to chat please send me a request and a message!